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Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Seventeen, eh!" said Hagrid as he accepted a bucket-sized glass of wine from Fred.
"Six years to the day we met, Harry, d’yeh remember it?"
"Vaguely," said Harry, grinning up at him. "Didn’t you smash down the front door, give Dudley a pig’s tail, and tell me I was a wizard?"
"I forge’ the details," Hagrid chortled.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Rachel: You're a half-blood, too?
Annabeth: Shhh! Just announce it to the world, how about?
Rachel: Okay. Hey, everybody! These two aren't human! They're half Greek god!...They don't seem to care.
- Rick Riordan
The Battle of the Labyrinth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Are you always a smartass?'

Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep.
- Jim Butcher
Blood Rites
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To you, I'm an atheist.
To God, I'm the loyal opposition.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Little Boy and the Old Man

Said the little boy, "Sometimes I drop my spoon."
Said the old man, "I do that too."
The little boy whispered, "I wet my pants."
I do that too," laughed the little old man.
Said the little boy, "I often cry."
The old man nodded, "So do I."
But worst of all," said the boy, "it seems
Grown-ups don't pay attention to me."
And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.
I know what you mean," said the little old man.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hey," said Shadow. "Huginn or Muninn, or whoever you are."
The bird turned, head tipped, suspiciously, on one side, and it stared at him with bright eyes.
"Say 'Nevermore,'" said Shadow.
"Fuck you," said the raven.
- Neil Gaiman
American Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It seemed weird calling a teenager 'sir' but I'd learned to be careful with immortals. They tended to get offended easily. Then, they blew stuff up.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
- Stephenie Meyer
Breaking Dawn
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I guess it’s true what they say," observed Jace. "There are no straight men in the trenches."
"That’s atheists, jackass," said Simon furiously. "There are no atheists in the trenches.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Takes a lot of tries before you hit perfection." He paused to reconsider that. "Well, except for my parents. They got it on the first try." (Adrian)
- Richelle Mead
Bloodlines
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh no. Don't smile. You'll kill me. I stop breathing when you smile.
- Tessa Dare
A Lady of Persuasion
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't mean to be rude—" he began, in a tone that threatened rudeness in every syllable.
"Yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often," Dumbledore finished the sentence gravely.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Harry — I think I've just understood something! I've got to go to the library!”
And she sprinted away, up the stairs.
“What does she understand?” said Harry distractedly, still looking around, trying to tell where the voice had come from.
“Loads more than I do,” said Ron, shaking his head.
“But why’s she got to go to the library?”
“Because that’s what Hermione does,” said Ron, shrugging. “When in doubt, go to the library.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Let's carpe the hell out of this diem.
- Alexandra Bracken
The Darkest Minds
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression.
- C.S. Lewis
The Screwtape Letters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Poirot," I said. "I have been thinking."
"An admirable exercise my friend. Continue it.
- Agatha Christie
Peril at End House
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You so need to lighten up about that potato-launcher incident," Butch said.
Phury rolled his eyes and eased back in the banquette. "You broke my window."
"Of course we did. V and I were aiming for it."
"Twice."
"Thus proving that he and I are outstanding marksmen.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Unbound
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Colonel led all the cheers.
Cornbread!" he screamed.
CHICKEN!" the crowd responded.
Rice!"
PEAS!"
And then, all together: "WE GOT HIGHER SATs."
Hip Hip Hip Hooray!" the Colonel cried.
YOU'LL BE WORKIN' FOR US SOMEDAY!
- John Green
Looking for Alaska
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I make mistakes; I'll be the second to admit it.
- Jean Kerr
The Snake Has All the Lines
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Seventeen, eh!" said Hagrid as he accepted a bucket-sized glass of wine from Fred.
"Six years to the day we met, Harry, d’yeh remember it?"
"Vaguely," said Harry, grinning up at him. "Didn’t you smash down the front door, give Dudley a pig’s tail, and tell me I was a wizard?"
"I forge’ the details," Hagrid chortled.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Rachel: You're a half-blood, too?
Annabeth: Shhh! Just announce it to the world, how about?
Rachel: Okay. Hey, everybody! These two aren't human! They're half Greek god!...They don't seem to care.
- Rick Riordan
The Battle of the Labyrinth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Are you always a smartass?'

Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep.
- Jim Butcher
Blood Rites
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To you, I'm an atheist.
To God, I'm the loyal opposition.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Little Boy and the Old Man

Said the little boy, "Sometimes I drop my spoon."
Said the old man, "I do that too."
The little boy whispered, "I wet my pants."
I do that too," laughed the little old man.
Said the little boy, "I often cry."
The old man nodded, "So do I."
But worst of all," said the boy, "it seems
Grown-ups don't pay attention to me."
And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.
I know what you mean," said the little old man.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hey," said Shadow. "Huginn or Muninn, or whoever you are."
The bird turned, head tipped, suspiciously, on one side, and it stared at him with bright eyes.
"Say 'Nevermore,'" said Shadow.
"Fuck you," said the raven.
- Neil Gaiman
American Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It seemed weird calling a teenager 'sir' but I'd learned to be careful with immortals. They tended to get offended easily. Then, they blew stuff up.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
- Stephenie Meyer
Breaking Dawn
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I guess it’s true what they say," observed Jace. "There are no straight men in the trenches."
"That’s atheists, jackass," said Simon furiously. "There are no atheists in the trenches.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Takes a lot of tries before you hit perfection." He paused to reconsider that. "Well, except for my parents. They got it on the first try." (Adrian)
- Richelle Mead
Bloodlines
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh no. Don't smile. You'll kill me. I stop breathing when you smile.
- Tessa Dare
A Lady of Persuasion
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't mean to be rude—" he began, in a tone that threatened rudeness in every syllable.
"Yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often," Dumbledore finished the sentence gravely.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Harry — I think I've just understood something! I've got to go to the library!”
And she sprinted away, up the stairs.
“What does she understand?” said Harry distractedly, still looking around, trying to tell where the voice had come from.
“Loads more than I do,” said Ron, shaking his head.
“But why’s she got to go to the library?”
“Because that’s what Hermione does,” said Ron, shrugging. “When in doubt, go to the library.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Let's carpe the hell out of this diem.
- Alexandra Bracken
The Darkest Minds
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression.
- C.S. Lewis
The Screwtape Letters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Poirot," I said. "I have been thinking."
"An admirable exercise my friend. Continue it.
- Agatha Christie
Peril at End House
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You so need to lighten up about that potato-launcher incident," Butch said.
Phury rolled his eyes and eased back in the banquette. "You broke my window."
"Of course we did. V and I were aiming for it."
"Twice."
"Thus proving that he and I are outstanding marksmen.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Unbound
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Colonel led all the cheers.
Cornbread!" he screamed.
CHICKEN!" the crowd responded.
Rice!"
PEAS!"
And then, all together: "WE GOT HIGHER SATs."
Hip Hip Hip Hooray!" the Colonel cried.
YOU'LL BE WORKIN' FOR US SOMEDAY!
- John Green
Looking for Alaska
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I make mistakes; I'll be the second to admit it.
- Jean Kerr
The Snake Has All the Lines
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Seventeen, eh!" said Hagrid as he accepted a bucket-sized glass of wine from Fred.
"Six years to the day we met, Harry, d’yeh remember it?"
"Vaguely," said Harry, grinning up at him. "Didn’t you smash down the front door, give Dudley a pig’s tail, and tell me I was a wizard?"
"I forge’ the details," Hagrid chortled.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Rachel: You're a half-blood, too?
Annabeth: Shhh! Just announce it to the world, how about?
Rachel: Okay. Hey, everybody! These two aren't human! They're half Greek god!...They don't seem to care.
- Rick Riordan
The Battle of the Labyrinth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Are you always a smartass?'

Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep.
- Jim Butcher
Blood Rites
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To you, I'm an atheist.
To God, I'm the loyal opposition.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Little Boy and the Old Man

Said the little boy, "Sometimes I drop my spoon."
Said the old man, "I do that too."
The little boy whispered, "I wet my pants."
I do that too," laughed the little old man.
Said the little boy, "I often cry."
The old man nodded, "So do I."
But worst of all," said the boy, "it seems
Grown-ups don't pay attention to me."
And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.
I know what you mean," said the little old man.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hey," said Shadow. "Huginn or Muninn, or whoever you are."
The bird turned, head tipped, suspiciously, on one side, and it stared at him with bright eyes.
"Say 'Nevermore,'" said Shadow.
"Fuck you," said the raven.
- Neil Gaiman
American Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It seemed weird calling a teenager 'sir' but I'd learned to be careful with immortals. They tended to get offended easily. Then, they blew stuff up.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
- Stephenie Meyer
Breaking Dawn
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I guess it’s true what they say," observed Jace. "There are no straight men in the trenches."
"That’s atheists, jackass," said Simon furiously. "There are no atheists in the trenches.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Takes a lot of tries before you hit perfection." He paused to reconsider that. "Well, except for my parents. They got it on the first try." (Adrian)
- Richelle Mead
Bloodlines
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh no. Don't smile. You'll kill me. I stop breathing when you smile.
- Tessa Dare
A Lady of Persuasion
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't mean to be rude—" he began, in a tone that threatened rudeness in every syllable.
"Yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often," Dumbledore finished the sentence gravely.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Harry — I think I've just understood something! I've got to go to the library!”
And she sprinted away, up the stairs.
“What does she understand?” said Harry distractedly, still looking around, trying to tell where the voice had come from.
“Loads more than I do,” said Ron, shaking his head.
“But why’s she got to go to the library?”
“Because that’s what Hermione does,” said Ron, shrugging. “When in doubt, go to the library.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Let's carpe the hell out of this diem.
- Alexandra Bracken
The Darkest Minds
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression.
- C.S. Lewis
The Screwtape Letters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Poirot," I said. "I have been thinking."
"An admirable exercise my friend. Continue it.
- Agatha Christie
Peril at End House
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You so need to lighten up about that potato-launcher incident," Butch said.
Phury rolled his eyes and eased back in the banquette. "You broke my window."
"Of course we did. V and I were aiming for it."
"Twice."
"Thus proving that he and I are outstanding marksmen.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Unbound
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Colonel led all the cheers.
Cornbread!" he screamed.
CHICKEN!" the crowd responded.
Rice!"
PEAS!"
And then, all together: "WE GOT HIGHER SATs."
Hip Hip Hip Hooray!" the Colonel cried.
YOU'LL BE WORKIN' FOR US SOMEDAY!
- John Green
Looking for Alaska
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I make mistakes; I'll be the second to admit it.
- Jean Kerr
The Snake Has All the Lines
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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113
114
115
116
 		...