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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Really, these wizards! You'd think no one had ever had a cold before! Well, what is it?" she asked, hobbling through the bedroom door onto the filthy carpet.
"I'm dying of boredom," Howl said pathetically. "Or maybe just dying.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
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Hello, Minister!" bellowed Percy, sending a neat jinx straight at Thicknesse, who dropped his wand and clawed at the front of his robes, apparently in awful discomfort. "Did I mention I'm resigning?
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
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They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit," Valkyrie said.

China glanced at her. "They've obviously never met me.
- Derek Landy
Mortal Coil
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We have now left Reason and Sanity Junction. Next stop, Looneyville.
- Jim Butcher
Grave Peril
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Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it.
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If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.
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Okay," I said. "Just a normal afternoon and two normal people."
She nodded. "And so...hypothetically, if these to people likes each other, what would it take to get the stupid guy to kiss the girl, huh?"
"Oh..." I felt like one of Apollo's sacred cows-slow, dumb, and bright red. "Um...
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
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I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.
- P.G. Wodehouse
The Code of the Woosters
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Huh," Leo said. "Well, if you ever get off this island and want a job, let me know. You're not a total klutz."

She smirked. "A job, eh?" Making things in your forge?"

"Nah, we could start our own shop," Leo said, surprising himself. Starting a machine shop had always been one of his dreams, but he'd never told anyone about it. "Leo and Calypso's Garage: Auto Repair and Mechanical Monsters.
- Rick Riordan
The House of Hades
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If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
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I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft" is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.
- Tina Fey
Bossypants
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am a wizard, not a baboon brandishing a stick.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Interviewer: 'So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?'
Frank Zappa: 'You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible.
- Jane Austen
Northanger Abbey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There’s a fine line between support and stalking and let’s all stay on the right side of that.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No wonder kids grow up crazy. A cat's cradle is nothing but a bunch of X's between somebody's hands, and little kids look and look and look at all those X's . . ."
"And?"
"No damn cat, and no damn cradle.
- Kurt Vonnegut
Cat’s Cradle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You'd be surprised how many people in the modern age no longer fear zombies as much as teletubies.
- Sherrilyn Kenyon
Dream Warrior
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred times its own weight, but there is no known limit to the lifting power of the average tiny eighty-year-old Spanish peasant grandmother.
- Terry Pratchett
Reaper Man
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I see a light in the kitchen. Let us not deprive Molly any longer of the chance to deplore how thin you are.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As for monkeys, I would have five, and they would be named: See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, Do Pretty Much Whatever The Hell You Want, and Expensive Attorney.
- Tad Williams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"So," he called to her back, "Just out of curiosity, you know, purely conversation and all, at what age will you be entertaining offers of marriage?"
"You think it'll be so easy?" she called back over her shoulder. "No way. There will be tasks. Like in a fairy tale."
"Sounds dangerous."
"Very, so think twice."
"No need," he said. "You're worth it."
- Laini Taylor
Days of Blood & Starlight
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A girl can still admire, can’t she? Even those who can’t afford to go in the store can still window-shop. Right? Knowing he wasn’t for me didn’t mean I couldn’t covet the merchandise.
- Colleen Houck
Tiger's Curse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Really, these wizards! You'd think no one had ever had a cold before! Well, what is it?" she asked, hobbling through the bedroom door onto the filthy carpet.
"I'm dying of boredom," Howl said pathetically. "Or maybe just dying.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hello, Minister!" bellowed Percy, sending a neat jinx straight at Thicknesse, who dropped his wand and clawed at the front of his robes, apparently in awful discomfort. "Did I mention I'm resigning?
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit," Valkyrie said.

China glanced at her. "They've obviously never met me.
- Derek Landy
Mortal Coil
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We have now left Reason and Sanity Junction. Next stop, Looneyville.
- Jim Butcher
Grave Peril
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Okay," I said. "Just a normal afternoon and two normal people."
She nodded. "And so...hypothetically, if these to people likes each other, what would it take to get the stupid guy to kiss the girl, huh?"
"Oh..." I felt like one of Apollo's sacred cows-slow, dumb, and bright red. "Um...
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.
- P.G. Wodehouse
The Code of the Woosters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Huh," Leo said. "Well, if you ever get off this island and want a job, let me know. You're not a total klutz."

She smirked. "A job, eh?" Making things in your forge?"

"Nah, we could start our own shop," Leo said, surprising himself. Starting a machine shop had always been one of his dreams, but he'd never told anyone about it. "Leo and Calypso's Garage: Auto Repair and Mechanical Monsters.
- Rick Riordan
The House of Hades
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft" is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.
- Tina Fey
Bossypants
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am a wizard, not a baboon brandishing a stick.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Interviewer: 'So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?'
Frank Zappa: 'You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible.
- Jane Austen
Northanger Abbey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There’s a fine line between support and stalking and let’s all stay on the right side of that.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No wonder kids grow up crazy. A cat's cradle is nothing but a bunch of X's between somebody's hands, and little kids look and look and look at all those X's . . ."
"And?"
"No damn cat, and no damn cradle.
- Kurt Vonnegut
Cat’s Cradle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You'd be surprised how many people in the modern age no longer fear zombies as much as teletubies.
- Sherrilyn Kenyon
Dream Warrior
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred times its own weight, but there is no known limit to the lifting power of the average tiny eighty-year-old Spanish peasant grandmother.
- Terry Pratchett
Reaper Man
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I see a light in the kitchen. Let us not deprive Molly any longer of the chance to deplore how thin you are.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As for monkeys, I would have five, and they would be named: See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, Do Pretty Much Whatever The Hell You Want, and Expensive Attorney.
- Tad Williams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"So," he called to her back, "Just out of curiosity, you know, purely conversation and all, at what age will you be entertaining offers of marriage?"
"You think it'll be so easy?" she called back over her shoulder. "No way. There will be tasks. Like in a fairy tale."
"Sounds dangerous."
"Very, so think twice."
"No need," he said. "You're worth it."
- Laini Taylor
Days of Blood & Starlight
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A girl can still admire, can’t she? Even those who can’t afford to go in the store can still window-shop. Right? Knowing he wasn’t for me didn’t mean I couldn’t covet the merchandise.
- Colleen Houck
Tiger's Curse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Really, these wizards! You'd think no one had ever had a cold before! Well, what is it?" she asked, hobbling through the bedroom door onto the filthy carpet.
"I'm dying of boredom," Howl said pathetically. "Or maybe just dying.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hello, Minister!" bellowed Percy, sending a neat jinx straight at Thicknesse, who dropped his wand and clawed at the front of his robes, apparently in awful discomfort. "Did I mention I'm resigning?
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit," Valkyrie said.

China glanced at her. "They've obviously never met me.
- Derek Landy
Mortal Coil
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We have now left Reason and Sanity Junction. Next stop, Looneyville.
- Jim Butcher
Grave Peril
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Okay," I said. "Just a normal afternoon and two normal people."
She nodded. "And so...hypothetically, if these to people likes each other, what would it take to get the stupid guy to kiss the girl, huh?"
"Oh..." I felt like one of Apollo's sacred cows-slow, dumb, and bright red. "Um...
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.
- P.G. Wodehouse
The Code of the Woosters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Huh," Leo said. "Well, if you ever get off this island and want a job, let me know. You're not a total klutz."

She smirked. "A job, eh?" Making things in your forge?"

"Nah, we could start our own shop," Leo said, surprising himself. Starting a machine shop had always been one of his dreams, but he'd never told anyone about it. "Leo and Calypso's Garage: Auto Repair and Mechanical Monsters.
- Rick Riordan
The House of Hades
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft" is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.
- Tina Fey
Bossypants
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am a wizard, not a baboon brandishing a stick.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Interviewer: 'So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?'
Frank Zappa: 'You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible.
- Jane Austen
Northanger Abbey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There’s a fine line between support and stalking and let’s all stay on the right side of that.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No wonder kids grow up crazy. A cat's cradle is nothing but a bunch of X's between somebody's hands, and little kids look and look and look at all those X's . . ."
"And?"
"No damn cat, and no damn cradle.
- Kurt Vonnegut
Cat’s Cradle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You'd be surprised how many people in the modern age no longer fear zombies as much as teletubies.
- Sherrilyn Kenyon
Dream Warrior
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred times its own weight, but there is no known limit to the lifting power of the average tiny eighty-year-old Spanish peasant grandmother.
- Terry Pratchett
Reaper Man
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I see a light in the kitchen. Let us not deprive Molly any longer of the chance to deplore how thin you are.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As for monkeys, I would have five, and they would be named: See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, Do Pretty Much Whatever The Hell You Want, and Expensive Attorney.
- Tad Williams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"So," he called to her back, "Just out of curiosity, you know, purely conversation and all, at what age will you be entertaining offers of marriage?"
"You think it'll be so easy?" she called back over her shoulder. "No way. There will be tasks. Like in a fairy tale."
"Sounds dangerous."
"Very, so think twice."
"No need," he said. "You're worth it."
- Laini Taylor
Days of Blood & Starlight
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A girl can still admire, can’t she? Even those who can’t afford to go in the store can still window-shop. Right? Knowing he wasn’t for me didn’t mean I couldn’t covet the merchandise.
- Colleen Houck
Tiger's Curse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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114
115
116
117
118
 		...