TOPICS
SPEAKERS
HOME
BROWSE TOPICS
BROWSE SPEAKERS

FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
...
115
116
117
118
119
 		...
In the name of the Pizza Lord. Charge!
- Jim Butcher
Summer Knight
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Just about everything in this world is easier said than done, with the exception of "systematically assisting Sisyphus's stealthy, cyst-susceptible sister," which is easier done than said.
- Lemony Snicket
The Hostile Hospital
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Max, if you survive your final test, can you steal me one of those magic outfits for me?"
I'll try to get one for each of us. Hey! 'If'?
- James Patterson
Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You've got no sense of humor."

"I'm going to laugh really hard after I kick your ass.
- J.D. Robb
Imitation in Death
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally asked for.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're still here. No beer. I'm not corrupting a minor."
"But you're a minor," she pointed out. "At least for beer."
"Yeah, and by the way, how much does it suck that I'm an adult if I kill somebody, and I'm not if I want a beer?
- Rachel Caine
Glass Houses
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I planted a kamikaze kiss on Jamie’s cheek.
“FUCK,” he shouted, wiping it off. “What if you killed me!” He threw a Skittle at my face. It hit my forehead.
“Ow!”
“Taste the rainbow bitch.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Retribution of Mara Dyer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I died. I died and someone made a clerical error and I am in Heaven.
- Jim Butcher
Summer Knight
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What was that?" Belgarath asked, coming back around the corner.
"Brill," Silk replied blandly, pulling his Murgo robe back on.
"Again?" Belgarath demanded with exasperation. "What was he doing this time?"
"Trying to fly, last time I saw him." Silk smirked.
The old man looked puzzled.
"He wasn't doing it very well," Silk added.
Belgarath shrugged. "Maybe it'll come to him in time."
"He doesn't really have all that much time." Silk glanced out over the edge.
"From far below - terribly far below - there came a faint, muffled crash; then, after several seconds, another. "Does bouncing count?" Silk asked.
Belgarath made a wry face. "Not really."
"Then I'd say he didn't learn in time." Silk said blithely.
- David Eddings
Magician's Gambit
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So. You get handed a holy sword by an archangel, told to go fight the forces of evil, and you somehow remain an atheist. Is that what you're saying?
- Jim Butcher
Death Masks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What's a philosopher?' said Brutha.
Someone who's bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,' said a voice in his head.
- Terry Pratchett
Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Before we go, I gotta know: If mind-reading abilities are real, there's something else I wondered if fiction got right about vampires-"

"Ask me if I sparkle and I'll kill you where you stand," Bones cut him off with utmost seriousness.
- Jeaniene Frost
This Side of the Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well, spit on my empty grave--if it ain't the attack of the Disney princesses!
- Amy Plum
Die for Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I liked you, cop. From the moment I met you. No… not the first moment. I wanted to kill you when I first met you. But then I liked you. A lot.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Revealed
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, "Why me?", then a voice answers "Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.
- Charles Schulz
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Kenji snorts.“That’s because you’re not fragile,” Kenji says. “If anything, everyone needs to protect themselves from you. You’re like a freaking beast,” he says. Then adds, “I mean, you know—like, a cute beast. A little beast that tears shit up and breaks the earth and sucks the life out of people.
- Tahereh Mafi
Ignite Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success.... I'm just here to cash in.
- Bill Watterson
Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're a very difficult person to manipulate, you know."
"Nonsense," he said. "You just have to promise me that I won't have to do a thing, and then I'll do anything you want."
"Anything?"
"Anything that doesn't require doing anything."
"That's nothing, then."
"Is it?"
"Yes."
"Well, that's something.
- Brandon Sanderson
Warbreaker
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Kenji has a hand pressed to his mouth, desperately trying to suppress a smile. He’s shaking his head, holding up a hand in apology. And then he breaks, laughing out loud, snorting as he tries to muffle the sound. “I’m sorry,” he says, pressing his lips together, shaking his head again. “This is not a funny moment. It’s not. I’m not laughing
- Tahereh Mafi
Ignite Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He looked back at her, and when she saw the look on his face, she saw his eyes at Renwick’s, when he had watched the Portal that separated him from his home shatter into a thousand irretrievable pieces. He held her gaze for a split second, then looked away from her, the muscles in his throat working.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
- Robert Bloch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The thing I hate the most about advertising is that it attracts all the bright, creative and ambitious young people, leaving us mainly with the slow and self-obsessed to become our artists.. Modern art is a disaster area. Never in the field of human history has so much been used by so many to say so little.
- Banksy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why are you limping like that?' Nicholas demanded.
'I'm swaggering,' I informed him.
'You look like you're wearing a diaper.'
Charming. And I had a crush on this guy.
Wait.
I had a crush on this guy?
'Now what?' he asked. 'You're making weird faces.'
'Nothing,' I said quickly. 'Never mind.
- Alyxandra Harvey
My Love Lies Bleeding
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In the name of the Pizza Lord. Charge!
- Jim Butcher
Summer Knight
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Just about everything in this world is easier said than done, with the exception of "systematically assisting Sisyphus's stealthy, cyst-susceptible sister," which is easier done than said.
- Lemony Snicket
The Hostile Hospital
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Max, if you survive your final test, can you steal me one of those magic outfits for me?"
I'll try to get one for each of us. Hey! 'If'?
- James Patterson
Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You've got no sense of humor."

"I'm going to laugh really hard after I kick your ass.
- J.D. Robb
Imitation in Death
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally asked for.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're still here. No beer. I'm not corrupting a minor."
"But you're a minor," she pointed out. "At least for beer."
"Yeah, and by the way, how much does it suck that I'm an adult if I kill somebody, and I'm not if I want a beer?
- Rachel Caine
Glass Houses
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I planted a kamikaze kiss on Jamie’s cheek.
“FUCK,” he shouted, wiping it off. “What if you killed me!” He threw a Skittle at my face. It hit my forehead.
“Ow!”
“Taste the rainbow bitch.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Retribution of Mara Dyer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I died. I died and someone made a clerical error and I am in Heaven.
- Jim Butcher
Summer Knight
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What was that?" Belgarath asked, coming back around the corner.
"Brill," Silk replied blandly, pulling his Murgo robe back on.
"Again?" Belgarath demanded with exasperation. "What was he doing this time?"
"Trying to fly, last time I saw him." Silk smirked.
The old man looked puzzled.
"He wasn't doing it very well," Silk added.
Belgarath shrugged. "Maybe it'll come to him in time."
"He doesn't really have all that much time." Silk glanced out over the edge.
"From far below - terribly far below - there came a faint, muffled crash; then, after several seconds, another. "Does bouncing count?" Silk asked.
Belgarath made a wry face. "Not really."
"Then I'd say he didn't learn in time." Silk said blithely.
- David Eddings
Magician's Gambit
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So. You get handed a holy sword by an archangel, told to go fight the forces of evil, and you somehow remain an atheist. Is that what you're saying?
- Jim Butcher
Death Masks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What's a philosopher?' said Brutha.
Someone who's bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,' said a voice in his head.
- Terry Pratchett
Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Before we go, I gotta know: If mind-reading abilities are real, there's something else I wondered if fiction got right about vampires-"

"Ask me if I sparkle and I'll kill you where you stand," Bones cut him off with utmost seriousness.
- Jeaniene Frost
This Side of the Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well, spit on my empty grave--if it ain't the attack of the Disney princesses!
- Amy Plum
Die for Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I liked you, cop. From the moment I met you. No… not the first moment. I wanted to kill you when I first met you. But then I liked you. A lot.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Revealed
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, "Why me?", then a voice answers "Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.
- Charles Schulz
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Kenji snorts.“That’s because you’re not fragile,” Kenji says. “If anything, everyone needs to protect themselves from you. You’re like a freaking beast,” he says. Then adds, “I mean, you know—like, a cute beast. A little beast that tears shit up and breaks the earth and sucks the life out of people.
- Tahereh Mafi
Ignite Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success.... I'm just here to cash in.
- Bill Watterson
Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're a very difficult person to manipulate, you know."
"Nonsense," he said. "You just have to promise me that I won't have to do a thing, and then I'll do anything you want."
"Anything?"
"Anything that doesn't require doing anything."
"That's nothing, then."
"Is it?"
"Yes."
"Well, that's something.
- Brandon Sanderson
Warbreaker
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Kenji has a hand pressed to his mouth, desperately trying to suppress a smile. He’s shaking his head, holding up a hand in apology. And then he breaks, laughing out loud, snorting as he tries to muffle the sound. “I’m sorry,” he says, pressing his lips together, shaking his head again. “This is not a funny moment. It’s not. I’m not laughing
- Tahereh Mafi
Ignite Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He looked back at her, and when she saw the look on his face, she saw his eyes at Renwick’s, when he had watched the Portal that separated him from his home shatter into a thousand irretrievable pieces. He held her gaze for a split second, then looked away from her, the muscles in his throat working.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
- Robert Bloch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The thing I hate the most about advertising is that it attracts all the bright, creative and ambitious young people, leaving us mainly with the slow and self-obsessed to become our artists.. Modern art is a disaster area. Never in the field of human history has so much been used by so many to say so little.
- Banksy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why are you limping like that?' Nicholas demanded.
'I'm swaggering,' I informed him.
'You look like you're wearing a diaper.'
Charming. And I had a crush on this guy.
Wait.
I had a crush on this guy?
'Now what?' he asked. 'You're making weird faces.'
'Nothing,' I said quickly. 'Never mind.
- Alyxandra Harvey
My Love Lies Bleeding
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In the name of the Pizza Lord. Charge!
- Jim Butcher
Summer Knight
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Just about everything in this world is easier said than done, with the exception of "systematically assisting Sisyphus's stealthy, cyst-susceptible sister," which is easier done than said.
- Lemony Snicket
The Hostile Hospital
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Max, if you survive your final test, can you steal me one of those magic outfits for me?"
I'll try to get one for each of us. Hey! 'If'?
- James Patterson
Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You've got no sense of humor."

"I'm going to laugh really hard after I kick your ass.
- J.D. Robb
Imitation in Death
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally asked for.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're still here. No beer. I'm not corrupting a minor."
"But you're a minor," she pointed out. "At least for beer."
"Yeah, and by the way, how much does it suck that I'm an adult if I kill somebody, and I'm not if I want a beer?
- Rachel Caine
Glass Houses
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I planted a kamikaze kiss on Jamie’s cheek.
“FUCK,” he shouted, wiping it off. “What if you killed me!” He threw a Skittle at my face. It hit my forehead.
“Ow!”
“Taste the rainbow bitch.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Retribution of Mara Dyer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I died. I died and someone made a clerical error and I am in Heaven.
- Jim Butcher
Summer Knight
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What was that?" Belgarath asked, coming back around the corner.
"Brill," Silk replied blandly, pulling his Murgo robe back on.
"Again?" Belgarath demanded with exasperation. "What was he doing this time?"
"Trying to fly, last time I saw him." Silk smirked.
The old man looked puzzled.
"He wasn't doing it very well," Silk added.
Belgarath shrugged. "Maybe it'll come to him in time."
"He doesn't really have all that much time." Silk glanced out over the edge.
"From far below - terribly far below - there came a faint, muffled crash; then, after several seconds, another. "Does bouncing count?" Silk asked.
Belgarath made a wry face. "Not really."
"Then I'd say he didn't learn in time." Silk said blithely.
- David Eddings
Magician's Gambit
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So. You get handed a holy sword by an archangel, told to go fight the forces of evil, and you somehow remain an atheist. Is that what you're saying?
- Jim Butcher
Death Masks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What's a philosopher?' said Brutha.
Someone who's bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,' said a voice in his head.
- Terry Pratchett
Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Before we go, I gotta know: If mind-reading abilities are real, there's something else I wondered if fiction got right about vampires-"

"Ask me if I sparkle and I'll kill you where you stand," Bones cut him off with utmost seriousness.
- Jeaniene Frost
This Side of the Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well, spit on my empty grave--if it ain't the attack of the Disney princesses!
- Amy Plum
Die for Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I liked you, cop. From the moment I met you. No… not the first moment. I wanted to kill you when I first met you. But then I liked you. A lot.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Revealed
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, "Why me?", then a voice answers "Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.
- Charles Schulz
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Kenji snorts.“That’s because you’re not fragile,” Kenji says. “If anything, everyone needs to protect themselves from you. You’re like a freaking beast,” he says. Then adds, “I mean, you know—like, a cute beast. A little beast that tears shit up and breaks the earth and sucks the life out of people.
- Tahereh Mafi
Ignite Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success.... I'm just here to cash in.
- Bill Watterson
Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're a very difficult person to manipulate, you know."
"Nonsense," he said. "You just have to promise me that I won't have to do a thing, and then I'll do anything you want."
"Anything?"
"Anything that doesn't require doing anything."
"That's nothing, then."
"Is it?"
"Yes."
"Well, that's something.
- Brandon Sanderson
Warbreaker
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Kenji has a hand pressed to his mouth, desperately trying to suppress a smile. He’s shaking his head, holding up a hand in apology. And then he breaks, laughing out loud, snorting as he tries to muffle the sound. “I’m sorry,” he says, pressing his lips together, shaking his head again. “This is not a funny moment. It’s not. I’m not laughing
- Tahereh Mafi
Ignite Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He looked back at her, and when she saw the look on his face, she saw his eyes at Renwick’s, when he had watched the Portal that separated him from his home shatter into a thousand irretrievable pieces. He held her gaze for a split second, then looked away from her, the muscles in his throat working.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
- Robert Bloch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The thing I hate the most about advertising is that it attracts all the bright, creative and ambitious young people, leaving us mainly with the slow and self-obsessed to become our artists.. Modern art is a disaster area. Never in the field of human history has so much been used by so many to say so little.
- Banksy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why are you limping like that?' Nicholas demanded.
'I'm swaggering,' I informed him.
'You look like you're wearing a diaper.'
Charming. And I had a crush on this guy.
Wait.
I had a crush on this guy?
'Now what?' he asked. 'You're making weird faces.'
'Nothing,' I said quickly. 'Never mind.
- Alyxandra Harvey
My Love Lies Bleeding
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...
115
116
117
118
119
 		...