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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Collected Writings Of Ambrose Bierce
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I let out a battle cry. Sure, a lot of people might have mistaken it for a sudden yelp of unmanly fear, but trust me. It was a battle cry.
- Jim Butcher
My Big Fat Supernatural Wedding
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't know how you persist in being so stubborn-"
"It's a superpower. I was bitten by a radioactive mule.
- Shannon Hale
The Actor and the Housewife
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That was horrible. Horrible. That poor little guy."
Pex was unrepentant. "Yeah, well, he asked for it. Calling us ... all those things."
But---buried alive! That's like in that horror movie. Y'know -- the one with all the horror."
I think I saw that one. With all the words going up on the screen at the end?"
Yeah, that was it. Tell you the truth, those words kinda ruined it for me.
- Eoin Colfer
The Eternity Code
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think that men ought to treat women like something other than weaker men with breasts.
- Jim Butcher
Storm Front
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.
- Bill Watterson
The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No one believes a liar. Even when she's telling the truth.
- Sara Shepard
Heartless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’m forever near a stereo saying, ‘What the fuck is this garbage?’ And the answer is always the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
- Nick Cave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In the action business, when you don't want to say you ran like a mouse, you call it 'taking cover.' It's more heroic.
- Jim Butcher
Dead Beat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You don't need a search warrant to go through someone's trash. Seriously. Once it hits the curb it is totally fair game-you an look it up.
- Ally Carter
Cross My Heart and Hope to Spy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That's a sweet piece," said Jean, briefly forgetting to be aggravated. "You didn't snatch that off a street."

"No," said Locke, before taking another deep draught of the warm water in the decanter. "I got it from the neck of the governor's mistress."

"You can't be serious."

"In the governor's manor."

"Of all the -"

"In the governor's bed."

"Damned lunatic!"

"With the governor sleeping next to her."

The night quiet was broken by the high, distant trill of a whistle, the traditional swarming noise of city watches everywhere. Several other whistles joined in a few moments later.

"It is possible," said Locke with a sheepish grin, "that I have been slightly too bold.
- Scott Lynch
Red Seas Under Red Skies
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's a lazy Saturday afternoon, there's a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopediea Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more 'numinous' than the Ressurection. Do they know how to have a good time, or don't they?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Thus, though I dislike to differ with such a great man, Voltaire was simply ludicrous when he said that if god did not exist it would be necessary to invent him. The human invention of god is the problem to begin with.
- Christopher Hitchens
God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Eric moved the broom experimentally and made an attempt to sweep the glass into the pan while it lay in the middle of the floor. Of course, the pan slid away. Eric scowled.
I'd finally found something Eric did poorly.
- Charlaine Harris
Dead as a Doornail
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't stop" I tease in a seductive voice. " Give me more, Ben. Did you read eBooks or..." I run my finger slowly down his chest."Hardbacks?"
He pulls his hands behind his head and a smug look washes over his face. "Oh, they were hardbacks, all right. And I'm not sure if you're ready for this, but...I have my own TBR pile. You should read it, Fallon. It's huge"
- Colleen Hoover
November 9
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
His mouth captured hers, trying to show her with his kiss what he was still learning to express in words. He loved her. He worshipped her. He'd walk across fire for her. He—

—still had the audience of her three brothers.

Slowly breaking the kiss, he turned his face to the side. Anthony, Benedict, and Colin were still standing in the foyer. Anthony was studying the ceiling, Benedict was pretending to inspect his fingernails, and Colin was staring quite shamelessly.
- Julia Quinn
The Duke and I
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Either get out of bed or else take your clothes off," he said. "I'm not in the mood to compromise.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The only way a woman can ever reform a man is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Kat laughed. 'Who wants to live forever?'
Kish put his hand up. 'For the record, I do.'
Sin scowled at him. 'Then why do you irritate me so often?'
Suicidal tendencies are inherent in my species?
- Sherrilyn Kenyon
Devil May Cry
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Peter, you're twelve years old. I'm ten. They have a word for people our age. They call us children and they treat us like mice.
- Orson Scott Card
Ender’s Game
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm a big believer in putting things off, In fact, I even put off procrastinating.

-Ella Varner
- Lisa Kleypas
Smooth Talking Stranger
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Collected Writings Of Ambrose Bierce
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I let out a battle cry. Sure, a lot of people might have mistaken it for a sudden yelp of unmanly fear, but trust me. It was a battle cry.
- Jim Butcher
My Big Fat Supernatural Wedding
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't know how you persist in being so stubborn-"
"It's a superpower. I was bitten by a radioactive mule.
- Shannon Hale
The Actor and the Housewife
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That was horrible. Horrible. That poor little guy."
Pex was unrepentant. "Yeah, well, he asked for it. Calling us ... all those things."
But---buried alive! That's like in that horror movie. Y'know -- the one with all the horror."
I think I saw that one. With all the words going up on the screen at the end?"
Yeah, that was it. Tell you the truth, those words kinda ruined it for me.
- Eoin Colfer
The Eternity Code
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think that men ought to treat women like something other than weaker men with breasts.
- Jim Butcher
Storm Front
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.
- Bill Watterson
The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No one believes a liar. Even when she's telling the truth.
- Sara Shepard
Heartless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’m forever near a stereo saying, ‘What the fuck is this garbage?’ And the answer is always the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
- Nick Cave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In the action business, when you don't want to say you ran like a mouse, you call it 'taking cover.' It's more heroic.
- Jim Butcher
Dead Beat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You don't need a search warrant to go through someone's trash. Seriously. Once it hits the curb it is totally fair game-you an look it up.
- Ally Carter
Cross My Heart and Hope to Spy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That's a sweet piece," said Jean, briefly forgetting to be aggravated. "You didn't snatch that off a street."

"No," said Locke, before taking another deep draught of the warm water in the decanter. "I got it from the neck of the governor's mistress."

"You can't be serious."

"In the governor's manor."

"Of all the -"

"In the governor's bed."

"Damned lunatic!"

"With the governor sleeping next to her."

The night quiet was broken by the high, distant trill of a whistle, the traditional swarming noise of city watches everywhere. Several other whistles joined in a few moments later.

"It is possible," said Locke with a sheepish grin, "that I have been slightly too bold.
- Scott Lynch
Red Seas Under Red Skies
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's a lazy Saturday afternoon, there's a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopediea Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more 'numinous' than the Ressurection. Do they know how to have a good time, or don't they?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Thus, though I dislike to differ with such a great man, Voltaire was simply ludicrous when he said that if god did not exist it would be necessary to invent him. The human invention of god is the problem to begin with.
- Christopher Hitchens
God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Eric moved the broom experimentally and made an attempt to sweep the glass into the pan while it lay in the middle of the floor. Of course, the pan slid away. Eric scowled.
I'd finally found something Eric did poorly.
- Charlaine Harris
Dead as a Doornail
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't stop" I tease in a seductive voice. " Give me more, Ben. Did you read eBooks or..." I run my finger slowly down his chest."Hardbacks?"
He pulls his hands behind his head and a smug look washes over his face. "Oh, they were hardbacks, all right. And I'm not sure if you're ready for this, but...I have my own TBR pile. You should read it, Fallon. It's huge"
- Colleen Hoover
November 9
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
His mouth captured hers, trying to show her with his kiss what he was still learning to express in words. He loved her. He worshipped her. He'd walk across fire for her. He—

—still had the audience of her three brothers.

Slowly breaking the kiss, he turned his face to the side. Anthony, Benedict, and Colin were still standing in the foyer. Anthony was studying the ceiling, Benedict was pretending to inspect his fingernails, and Colin was staring quite shamelessly.
- Julia Quinn
The Duke and I
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Either get out of bed or else take your clothes off," he said. "I'm not in the mood to compromise.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The only way a woman can ever reform a man is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Kat laughed. 'Who wants to live forever?'
Kish put his hand up. 'For the record, I do.'
Sin scowled at him. 'Then why do you irritate me so often?'
Suicidal tendencies are inherent in my species?
- Sherrilyn Kenyon
Devil May Cry
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Peter, you're twelve years old. I'm ten. They have a word for people our age. They call us children and they treat us like mice.
- Orson Scott Card
Ender’s Game
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm a big believer in putting things off, In fact, I even put off procrastinating.

-Ella Varner
- Lisa Kleypas
Smooth Talking Stranger
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Collected Writings Of Ambrose Bierce
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I let out a battle cry. Sure, a lot of people might have mistaken it for a sudden yelp of unmanly fear, but trust me. It was a battle cry.
- Jim Butcher
My Big Fat Supernatural Wedding
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't know how you persist in being so stubborn-"
"It's a superpower. I was bitten by a radioactive mule.
- Shannon Hale
The Actor and the Housewife
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That was horrible. Horrible. That poor little guy."
Pex was unrepentant. "Yeah, well, he asked for it. Calling us ... all those things."
But---buried alive! That's like in that horror movie. Y'know -- the one with all the horror."
I think I saw that one. With all the words going up on the screen at the end?"
Yeah, that was it. Tell you the truth, those words kinda ruined it for me.
- Eoin Colfer
The Eternity Code
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think that men ought to treat women like something other than weaker men with breasts.
- Jim Butcher
Storm Front
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.
- Bill Watterson
The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No one believes a liar. Even when she's telling the truth.
- Sara Shepard
Heartless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’m forever near a stereo saying, ‘What the fuck is this garbage?’ And the answer is always the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
- Nick Cave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In the action business, when you don't want to say you ran like a mouse, you call it 'taking cover.' It's more heroic.
- Jim Butcher
Dead Beat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You don't need a search warrant to go through someone's trash. Seriously. Once it hits the curb it is totally fair game-you an look it up.
- Ally Carter
Cross My Heart and Hope to Spy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That's a sweet piece," said Jean, briefly forgetting to be aggravated. "You didn't snatch that off a street."

"No," said Locke, before taking another deep draught of the warm water in the decanter. "I got it from the neck of the governor's mistress."

"You can't be serious."

"In the governor's manor."

"Of all the -"

"In the governor's bed."

"Damned lunatic!"

"With the governor sleeping next to her."

The night quiet was broken by the high, distant trill of a whistle, the traditional swarming noise of city watches everywhere. Several other whistles joined in a few moments later.

"It is possible," said Locke with a sheepish grin, "that I have been slightly too bold.
- Scott Lynch
Red Seas Under Red Skies
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's a lazy Saturday afternoon, there's a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopediea Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more 'numinous' than the Ressurection. Do they know how to have a good time, or don't they?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Thus, though I dislike to differ with such a great man, Voltaire was simply ludicrous when he said that if god did not exist it would be necessary to invent him. The human invention of god is the problem to begin with.
- Christopher Hitchens
God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Eric moved the broom experimentally and made an attempt to sweep the glass into the pan while it lay in the middle of the floor. Of course, the pan slid away. Eric scowled.
I'd finally found something Eric did poorly.
- Charlaine Harris
Dead as a Doornail
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't stop" I tease in a seductive voice. " Give me more, Ben. Did you read eBooks or..." I run my finger slowly down his chest."Hardbacks?"
He pulls his hands behind his head and a smug look washes over his face. "Oh, they were hardbacks, all right. And I'm not sure if you're ready for this, but...I have my own TBR pile. You should read it, Fallon. It's huge"
- Colleen Hoover
November 9
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
His mouth captured hers, trying to show her with his kiss what he was still learning to express in words. He loved her. He worshipped her. He'd walk across fire for her. He—

—still had the audience of her three brothers.

Slowly breaking the kiss, he turned his face to the side. Anthony, Benedict, and Colin were still standing in the foyer. Anthony was studying the ceiling, Benedict was pretending to inspect his fingernails, and Colin was staring quite shamelessly.
- Julia Quinn
The Duke and I
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Either get out of bed or else take your clothes off," he said. "I'm not in the mood to compromise.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The only way a woman can ever reform a man is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Kat laughed. 'Who wants to live forever?'
Kish put his hand up. 'For the record, I do.'
Sin scowled at him. 'Then why do you irritate me so often?'
Suicidal tendencies are inherent in my species?
- Sherrilyn Kenyon
Devil May Cry
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Peter, you're twelve years old. I'm ten. They have a word for people our age. They call us children and they treat us like mice.
- Orson Scott Card
Ender’s Game
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm a big believer in putting things off, In fact, I even put off procrastinating.

-Ella Varner
- Lisa Kleypas
Smooth Talking Stranger
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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117
118
119
120
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