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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Humor was a good way to hide the pain.
- Rick Riordan
The Lost Hero
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Gabi to Marcus "I can't believe out of one hundred thousand sperm, you were the fastest!
- Cherise Sinclair
Make Me, Sir
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Because I trust in the ever-changing climate of the heart. (At least, today I feel that way.) I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something; for the sake of being challenged, and for the sake of being expressive, to offer something to someone else, to learn what we are capable of.
- Jason Mraz
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Thinking I'm a moron gives people something to feel smug about," Charles Wallace said. "Why should I disillusion them?
- Madeleine L'Engle
A Wrinkle in Time
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There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
- Wodehouse
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I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
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Everything not forbidden is compulsory
- T.H. White
The Once and Future King
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How do you feel right now?"
"I hurt like hell."
"You'll feel worse tomorrow."
"So?"
"So, better get a jump on this while you still feel...not as bad."
"What kind of logic is that?" I retorted.
- Richelle Mead
Vampire Academy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Elizabeth: "Your balls, Mr. Darcy?"
Darcy: "They belong to you, Miss Bennett.
- Seth Grahame-Smith
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...cursing my heels and debating whether it was faster to stop and take them off--damn ankle straps!--or keep running with the potential neck breakers. Wouldn’t that make a charming epitaph? Here lies Cat. Killed not by fang, but Ferragamos.
- Jeaniene Frost
One Foot in the Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Bitten? You mean you're a-"
"A werewolf," said the girl. "Like everyone else here. Except you, and the asshole. And the asshole's sister.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad,
For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad.
- G.K. Chesterton
The Ballad of the White Horse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.
- Stephen Colbert
I Am America
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hey!" Caleb snapped as he realized Nick was about to lock him on the outside with their attackers. He pushed the door open and glared at him. "No man left behind."

Nick scoffed. "This aint' the army, boy. It's every man for himself. Fall behind. Get eaten
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
- Stephen Colbert
I Am America
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
V shook his head. “Remember what you saw in that clearing, cop? How’d you like that anywhere near a female you loved?”

Butch put down the Bud without drinking from it. His eyes traveled over Rhage’s body.

“We’re going to need a shitload of steel,” the human muttered.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Eternal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Claim whatever you want. Say you only want a happy family or a successful career or a big house. I say: no, that's not what you want. You'll settle for those things, but you really want a monkey that does your evil bidding. Pullman is a genius just for this.
- Maureen Johnson
World of the Golden Compass: The Otherworldly Ride Continues [Paperback]
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I like the sound of that, crashing Monica's party," he glanced at Michael, then quickly away. "What about you? That break some kind of vampire rules or something?"
"Blow me Shane."
"Boys," Eve said primly. "Language. Minor at the table."
"Well," Shane said, "I wasn't actually planning to do it."
Claire rolled her eyes. "Not like it's the first time I've heard it. Or said it."
"You shouldnt say it," Michael said, all seriousness. "No, I mean it. Girls should say 'eat me' not 'blow me'. Wouldn't recommend 'bite me' though. Not around here.
- Rachel Caine
Midnight Alley
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If reassurances could dull pain, nobody would ever go to the trouble of pressing grapes.
- Scott Lynch
The Lies of Locke Lamora
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Look. Survey. Inspect. My hair is ruined! I look like a pan of bacon and eggs!
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are four simple ways for the observant to tell Mr. Croup and Mr. Vandemar apart: first, Mr. Vandemar is two and a half heads taller than Mr. Croup; second, Mr. Croup has eyes of a faded china blue, while Mr. Vandemar's eyes are brown; third, while Mr. Vandemar fashioned the rings he wears on his right hand out of the skulls of four ravens, Mr. Croup has no obvious jewelery; fourth, Mr. Croup likes words, while Mr. Vandemar is always hungry. Also, they look nothing at all alike.
- Neil Gaiman
Neverwhere
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
- Drew Carey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Humor was a good way to hide the pain.
- Rick Riordan
The Lost Hero
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Gabi to Marcus "I can't believe out of one hundred thousand sperm, you were the fastest!
- Cherise Sinclair
Make Me, Sir
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Because I trust in the ever-changing climate of the heart. (At least, today I feel that way.) I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something; for the sake of being challenged, and for the sake of being expressive, to offer something to someone else, to learn what we are capable of.
- Jason Mraz
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Thinking I'm a moron gives people something to feel smug about," Charles Wallace said. "Why should I disillusion them?
- Madeleine L'Engle
A Wrinkle in Time
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
- Wodehouse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everything not forbidden is compulsory
- T.H. White
The Once and Future King
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How do you feel right now?"
"I hurt like hell."
"You'll feel worse tomorrow."
"So?"
"So, better get a jump on this while you still feel...not as bad."
"What kind of logic is that?" I retorted.
- Richelle Mead
Vampire Academy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Elizabeth: "Your balls, Mr. Darcy?"
Darcy: "They belong to you, Miss Bennett.
- Seth Grahame-Smith
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...cursing my heels and debating whether it was faster to stop and take them off--damn ankle straps!--or keep running with the potential neck breakers. Wouldn’t that make a charming epitaph? Here lies Cat. Killed not by fang, but Ferragamos.
- Jeaniene Frost
One Foot in the Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Bitten? You mean you're a-"
"A werewolf," said the girl. "Like everyone else here. Except you, and the asshole. And the asshole's sister.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad,
For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad.
- G.K. Chesterton
The Ballad of the White Horse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.
- Stephen Colbert
I Am America
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hey!" Caleb snapped as he realized Nick was about to lock him on the outside with their attackers. He pushed the door open and glared at him. "No man left behind."

Nick scoffed. "This aint' the army, boy. It's every man for himself. Fall behind. Get eaten
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
- Stephen Colbert
I Am America
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
V shook his head. “Remember what you saw in that clearing, cop? How’d you like that anywhere near a female you loved?”

Butch put down the Bud without drinking from it. His eyes traveled over Rhage’s body.

“We’re going to need a shitload of steel,” the human muttered.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Eternal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Claim whatever you want. Say you only want a happy family or a successful career or a big house. I say: no, that's not what you want. You'll settle for those things, but you really want a monkey that does your evil bidding. Pullman is a genius just for this.
- Maureen Johnson
World of the Golden Compass: The Otherworldly Ride Continues [Paperback]
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I like the sound of that, crashing Monica's party," he glanced at Michael, then quickly away. "What about you? That break some kind of vampire rules or something?"
"Blow me Shane."
"Boys," Eve said primly. "Language. Minor at the table."
"Well," Shane said, "I wasn't actually planning to do it."
Claire rolled her eyes. "Not like it's the first time I've heard it. Or said it."
"You shouldnt say it," Michael said, all seriousness. "No, I mean it. Girls should say 'eat me' not 'blow me'. Wouldn't recommend 'bite me' though. Not around here.
- Rachel Caine
Midnight Alley
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If reassurances could dull pain, nobody would ever go to the trouble of pressing grapes.
- Scott Lynch
The Lies of Locke Lamora
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Look. Survey. Inspect. My hair is ruined! I look like a pan of bacon and eggs!
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are four simple ways for the observant to tell Mr. Croup and Mr. Vandemar apart: first, Mr. Vandemar is two and a half heads taller than Mr. Croup; second, Mr. Croup has eyes of a faded china blue, while Mr. Vandemar's eyes are brown; third, while Mr. Vandemar fashioned the rings he wears on his right hand out of the skulls of four ravens, Mr. Croup has no obvious jewelery; fourth, Mr. Croup likes words, while Mr. Vandemar is always hungry. Also, they look nothing at all alike.
- Neil Gaiman
Neverwhere
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
- Drew Carey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Humor was a good way to hide the pain.
- Rick Riordan
The Lost Hero
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Gabi to Marcus "I can't believe out of one hundred thousand sperm, you were the fastest!
- Cherise Sinclair
Make Me, Sir
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Because I trust in the ever-changing climate of the heart. (At least, today I feel that way.) I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something; for the sake of being challenged, and for the sake of being expressive, to offer something to someone else, to learn what we are capable of.
- Jason Mraz
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Thinking I'm a moron gives people something to feel smug about," Charles Wallace said. "Why should I disillusion them?
- Madeleine L'Engle
A Wrinkle in Time
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
- Wodehouse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everything not forbidden is compulsory
- T.H. White
The Once and Future King
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How do you feel right now?"
"I hurt like hell."
"You'll feel worse tomorrow."
"So?"
"So, better get a jump on this while you still feel...not as bad."
"What kind of logic is that?" I retorted.
- Richelle Mead
Vampire Academy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Elizabeth: "Your balls, Mr. Darcy?"
Darcy: "They belong to you, Miss Bennett.
- Seth Grahame-Smith
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...cursing my heels and debating whether it was faster to stop and take them off--damn ankle straps!--or keep running with the potential neck breakers. Wouldn’t that make a charming epitaph? Here lies Cat. Killed not by fang, but Ferragamos.
- Jeaniene Frost
One Foot in the Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Bitten? You mean you're a-"
"A werewolf," said the girl. "Like everyone else here. Except you, and the asshole. And the asshole's sister.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad,
For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad.
- G.K. Chesterton
The Ballad of the White Horse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.
- Stephen Colbert
I Am America
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hey!" Caleb snapped as he realized Nick was about to lock him on the outside with their attackers. He pushed the door open and glared at him. "No man left behind."

Nick scoffed. "This aint' the army, boy. It's every man for himself. Fall behind. Get eaten
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
- Stephen Colbert
I Am America
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
V shook his head. “Remember what you saw in that clearing, cop? How’d you like that anywhere near a female you loved?”

Butch put down the Bud without drinking from it. His eyes traveled over Rhage’s body.

“We’re going to need a shitload of steel,” the human muttered.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Eternal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Claim whatever you want. Say you only want a happy family or a successful career or a big house. I say: no, that's not what you want. You'll settle for those things, but you really want a monkey that does your evil bidding. Pullman is a genius just for this.
- Maureen Johnson
World of the Golden Compass: The Otherworldly Ride Continues [Paperback]
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I like the sound of that, crashing Monica's party," he glanced at Michael, then quickly away. "What about you? That break some kind of vampire rules or something?"
"Blow me Shane."
"Boys," Eve said primly. "Language. Minor at the table."
"Well," Shane said, "I wasn't actually planning to do it."
Claire rolled her eyes. "Not like it's the first time I've heard it. Or said it."
"You shouldnt say it," Michael said, all seriousness. "No, I mean it. Girls should say 'eat me' not 'blow me'. Wouldn't recommend 'bite me' though. Not around here.
- Rachel Caine
Midnight Alley
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If reassurances could dull pain, nobody would ever go to the trouble of pressing grapes.
- Scott Lynch
The Lies of Locke Lamora
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Look. Survey. Inspect. My hair is ruined! I look like a pan of bacon and eggs!
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are four simple ways for the observant to tell Mr. Croup and Mr. Vandemar apart: first, Mr. Vandemar is two and a half heads taller than Mr. Croup; second, Mr. Croup has eyes of a faded china blue, while Mr. Vandemar's eyes are brown; third, while Mr. Vandemar fashioned the rings he wears on his right hand out of the skulls of four ravens, Mr. Croup has no obvious jewelery; fourth, Mr. Croup likes words, while Mr. Vandemar is always hungry. Also, they look nothing at all alike.
- Neil Gaiman
Neverwhere
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
- Drew Carey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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