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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Where I come from, we're more about efficiency,' he replies. 'A knife like this'll skewer food, smear butter, and slit throats all at the same time.
- Marie Lu
Champion
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I love you above all things, even pie.
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Ford carried on counting quietly. This is about the most aggressive thing you can do to a computer, the equivalent of going up to a human being and saying "Blood...blood...blood...blood...
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
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"Jessica, you are a pain in the arse, do you know that? If I were not so immensely fond of you, I should throw you out the window."
She wrapped her arms about his waist and laid her head against his chest. "Not merely 'fond,' but 'immensely fond.' Oh Dain, I do believe I shall swoon."
"Not now," he said crossly. "I haven't time to pick you up."
- Loretta Chase
Lord of Scoundrels
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I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Tell you what, you let me go, and I’ll ask you plenty of questions about your race. Until then, I’m slightly distracted with how this little vacation on the good ship Holy Sh*t is going to pan out for me.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Unbound
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you think I'm going to let six people risk their lives - !'
'because it's the first time for all of us,' said Ron.
'This is different, pretending to be me -'
'Well, none of us really fancy it, Harry,' said Fred earnestly. 'Imagine if something went wrong and we were stuck as specky, scrawny gits forever.'
Harry did not smile.
'You can't do it if I don't cooperate, you need me to give you some hair.'
'Well, that's the plan scuppered,' said George. 'Obviously there's no chance at all of us getting a bit of your hair unless you cooperate.'
'Yeah, thirteen of us against one bloke who's not allowed to use magic; we've got no chance,' said Fred.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There's nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn't even have to matter what they're laughing about.
- Criss Jami
Killosophy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Locke sighed.
'So this is winning,' he said.
'It is,' replied Jean.
'It can go fuck itself,' said Locke.
- Scott Lynch
The Lies of Locke Lamora
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Likest thou jelly within thy doughnut?
- Jim Butcher
Small Favor
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Why on earth would you buy a car like this if you can't drive a stick? There are dozens of cars--new cars--that have automatic transmission. It'd be a million times easier."
Adrian shrugged. "I like the color. It matches my living room.
- Richelle Mead
The Golden Lily
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're getting into some kind of shape, cop."
Aw, come on, now." Butch grinned. "Don't let that shower we took go to your head."
Rhage fired a towel at the male. "Just pointing out your beer gut's gone."
It was a Scotch pot. And I don't miss it.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Eternal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Anyone who knew the word slattern was worth cultivating as a friend.
- Alan Bradley
The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't leave it all unsaid,
somewhere in the wasteland of your head.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You have come to earth to entertain and to be entertained.
- Paramahansa Yogananda
Autobiography of a Yogi
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You climbed into my window in the middle of the night. So, either you're some kind of Vampire or some kind of Perv. Which is it?
- Kami Garcia
Beautiful Creatures
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've been embarrassing myself since about birth.
- Phil Lester
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You must have been going very fast."
"I was, until I hit the fence.
- Anthony Horowitz
Ark Angel
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What doesn't kill us makes us funnier.
- Marian Keyes
The Other Side of the Story
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You are my whole heart, Scarlet. And this is breaking it.'

My heart cracked open and clear dropped out of me. My mouth opened, and I looked round me and stamped my foot. 'Does this look like a good time to tell me that, you damn stupid boy?' I meant to sound mean but my voice wobbled. 'Now?'

He gave a little smile. 'My foul-mouthed warrior.
- A.C. Gaughen
Scarlet
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This paper, by its very length, defends itself from ever being read.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wow. I didn’t think it was possible for him to look any more intoxicating than he already did. But a leather clad Ren standing next to the gorgeous racing motorcycle holding his helmet made my brain go numb. I had kind of a this-is-your-brain-on-drugs moment, only mine was more like a this-is-your-brain-on-seeing-Ren-in-tight-leather moment. If they’d been smart, the Ducati Company should have used him in a commercial and given him the bike for free.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They don't fit you?" V asked his roommate.
"Not the point. No offense, but these are wicked Village People." Butch held his heavy arms out and turned in a circle, his bare chest catching the light. "I mean, come on."
"They're for fighting, not fashion."
"So are kilts, but you don't see me rocking the tartan."
"And thank God for that. You're too bowlegged to pull that shit off."
Butch assumed a bored expression. "You can bite me.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Unbound
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Where I come from, we're more about efficiency,' he replies. 'A knife like this'll skewer food, smear butter, and slit throats all at the same time.
- Marie Lu
Champion
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love you above all things, even pie.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ford carried on counting quietly. This is about the most aggressive thing you can do to a computer, the equivalent of going up to a human being and saying "Blood...blood...blood...blood...
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Jessica, you are a pain in the arse, do you know that? If I were not so immensely fond of you, I should throw you out the window."
She wrapped her arms about his waist and laid her head against his chest. "Not merely 'fond,' but 'immensely fond.' Oh Dain, I do believe I shall swoon."
"Not now," he said crossly. "I haven't time to pick you up."
- Loretta Chase
Lord of Scoundrels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Tell you what, you let me go, and I’ll ask you plenty of questions about your race. Until then, I’m slightly distracted with how this little vacation on the good ship Holy Sh*t is going to pan out for me.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Unbound
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you think I'm going to let six people risk their lives - !'
'because it's the first time for all of us,' said Ron.
'This is different, pretending to be me -'
'Well, none of us really fancy it, Harry,' said Fred earnestly. 'Imagine if something went wrong and we were stuck as specky, scrawny gits forever.'
Harry did not smile.
'You can't do it if I don't cooperate, you need me to give you some hair.'
'Well, that's the plan scuppered,' said George. 'Obviously there's no chance at all of us getting a bit of your hair unless you cooperate.'
'Yeah, thirteen of us against one bloke who's not allowed to use magic; we've got no chance,' said Fred.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There's nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn't even have to matter what they're laughing about.
- Criss Jami
Killosophy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Locke sighed.
'So this is winning,' he said.
'It is,' replied Jean.
'It can go fuck itself,' said Locke.
- Scott Lynch
The Lies of Locke Lamora
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Likest thou jelly within thy doughnut?
- Jim Butcher
Small Favor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why on earth would you buy a car like this if you can't drive a stick? There are dozens of cars--new cars--that have automatic transmission. It'd be a million times easier."
Adrian shrugged. "I like the color. It matches my living room.
- Richelle Mead
The Golden Lily
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're getting into some kind of shape, cop."
Aw, come on, now." Butch grinned. "Don't let that shower we took go to your head."
Rhage fired a towel at the male. "Just pointing out your beer gut's gone."
It was a Scotch pot. And I don't miss it.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Eternal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Anyone who knew the word slattern was worth cultivating as a friend.
- Alan Bradley
The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't leave it all unsaid,
somewhere in the wasteland of your head.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You have come to earth to entertain and to be entertained.
- Paramahansa Yogananda
Autobiography of a Yogi
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You climbed into my window in the middle of the night. So, either you're some kind of Vampire or some kind of Perv. Which is it?
- Kami Garcia
Beautiful Creatures
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've been embarrassing myself since about birth.
- Phil Lester
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You must have been going very fast."
"I was, until I hit the fence.
- Anthony Horowitz
Ark Angel
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What doesn't kill us makes us funnier.
- Marian Keyes
The Other Side of the Story
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You are my whole heart, Scarlet. And this is breaking it.'

My heart cracked open and clear dropped out of me. My mouth opened, and I looked round me and stamped my foot. 'Does this look like a good time to tell me that, you damn stupid boy?' I meant to sound mean but my voice wobbled. 'Now?'

He gave a little smile. 'My foul-mouthed warrior.
- A.C. Gaughen
Scarlet
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This paper, by its very length, defends itself from ever being read.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wow. I didn’t think it was possible for him to look any more intoxicating than he already did. But a leather clad Ren standing next to the gorgeous racing motorcycle holding his helmet made my brain go numb. I had kind of a this-is-your-brain-on-drugs moment, only mine was more like a this-is-your-brain-on-seeing-Ren-in-tight-leather moment. If they’d been smart, the Ducati Company should have used him in a commercial and given him the bike for free.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They don't fit you?" V asked his roommate.
"Not the point. No offense, but these are wicked Village People." Butch held his heavy arms out and turned in a circle, his bare chest catching the light. "I mean, come on."
"They're for fighting, not fashion."
"So are kilts, but you don't see me rocking the tartan."
"And thank God for that. You're too bowlegged to pull that shit off."
Butch assumed a bored expression. "You can bite me.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Unbound
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Where I come from, we're more about efficiency,' he replies. 'A knife like this'll skewer food, smear butter, and slit throats all at the same time.
- Marie Lu
Champion
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love you above all things, even pie.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ford carried on counting quietly. This is about the most aggressive thing you can do to a computer, the equivalent of going up to a human being and saying "Blood...blood...blood...blood...
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Jessica, you are a pain in the arse, do you know that? If I were not so immensely fond of you, I should throw you out the window."
She wrapped her arms about his waist and laid her head against his chest. "Not merely 'fond,' but 'immensely fond.' Oh Dain, I do believe I shall swoon."
"Not now," he said crossly. "I haven't time to pick you up."
- Loretta Chase
Lord of Scoundrels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Tell you what, you let me go, and I’ll ask you plenty of questions about your race. Until then, I’m slightly distracted with how this little vacation on the good ship Holy Sh*t is going to pan out for me.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Unbound
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you think I'm going to let six people risk their lives - !'
'because it's the first time for all of us,' said Ron.
'This is different, pretending to be me -'
'Well, none of us really fancy it, Harry,' said Fred earnestly. 'Imagine if something went wrong and we were stuck as specky, scrawny gits forever.'
Harry did not smile.
'You can't do it if I don't cooperate, you need me to give you some hair.'
'Well, that's the plan scuppered,' said George. 'Obviously there's no chance at all of us getting a bit of your hair unless you cooperate.'
'Yeah, thirteen of us against one bloke who's not allowed to use magic; we've got no chance,' said Fred.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There's nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn't even have to matter what they're laughing about.
- Criss Jami
Killosophy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Locke sighed.
'So this is winning,' he said.
'It is,' replied Jean.
'It can go fuck itself,' said Locke.
- Scott Lynch
The Lies of Locke Lamora
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Likest thou jelly within thy doughnut?
- Jim Butcher
Small Favor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why on earth would you buy a car like this if you can't drive a stick? There are dozens of cars--new cars--that have automatic transmission. It'd be a million times easier."
Adrian shrugged. "I like the color. It matches my living room.
- Richelle Mead
The Golden Lily
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're getting into some kind of shape, cop."
Aw, come on, now." Butch grinned. "Don't let that shower we took go to your head."
Rhage fired a towel at the male. "Just pointing out your beer gut's gone."
It was a Scotch pot. And I don't miss it.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Eternal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Anyone who knew the word slattern was worth cultivating as a friend.
- Alan Bradley
The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't leave it all unsaid,
somewhere in the wasteland of your head.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You have come to earth to entertain and to be entertained.
- Paramahansa Yogananda
Autobiography of a Yogi
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You climbed into my window in the middle of the night. So, either you're some kind of Vampire or some kind of Perv. Which is it?
- Kami Garcia
Beautiful Creatures
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've been embarrassing myself since about birth.
- Phil Lester
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You must have been going very fast."
"I was, until I hit the fence.
- Anthony Horowitz
Ark Angel
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What doesn't kill us makes us funnier.
- Marian Keyes
The Other Side of the Story
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You are my whole heart, Scarlet. And this is breaking it.'

My heart cracked open and clear dropped out of me. My mouth opened, and I looked round me and stamped my foot. 'Does this look like a good time to tell me that, you damn stupid boy?' I meant to sound mean but my voice wobbled. 'Now?'

He gave a little smile. 'My foul-mouthed warrior.
- A.C. Gaughen
Scarlet
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This paper, by its very length, defends itself from ever being read.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wow. I didn’t think it was possible for him to look any more intoxicating than he already did. But a leather clad Ren standing next to the gorgeous racing motorcycle holding his helmet made my brain go numb. I had kind of a this-is-your-brain-on-drugs moment, only mine was more like a this-is-your-brain-on-seeing-Ren-in-tight-leather moment. If they’d been smart, the Ducati Company should have used him in a commercial and given him the bike for free.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They don't fit you?" V asked his roommate.
"Not the point. No offense, but these are wicked Village People." Butch held his heavy arms out and turned in a circle, his bare chest catching the light. "I mean, come on."
"They're for fighting, not fashion."
"So are kilts, but you don't see me rocking the tartan."
"And thank God for that. You're too bowlegged to pull that shit off."
Butch assumed a bored expression. "You can bite me.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Unbound
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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