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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.
- Ray Romano
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Librarians are the secret masters of the world. They control information. Don't ever piss one off.
- Spider Robinson
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How can a person deal with anxiety? You might try what one fellow did. He worried so much that he decided to hire someone to do his worrying for him. He found a man who agreed to be his hired worrier for a salary of $200,000 per year. After the man accepted the job, his first question to his boss was, "Where are you going to get $200,000 per year?" To which the man responded, "That's your worry.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Not too fast," called Raoul. "Let's not scare anyone."
"His majesty said with all deliberate speed!" chirped the courier. He flinched under Lerant's glare.
"That's how we're doing it," Raoul told him. "Deliberately.
- Tamora Pierce
Squire
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The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse
- Bill Watterson
It's a Magical World
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In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's Sanjit. It's a Hindu name. It means 'invincible.'"
"That's great," Lana said.
"Invincible. I can't be vinced."
"That's not even a word," Lana said.
"Go ahead: try to vince me," Sanjit said.
- Michael Grant
Plague
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Murder is like potato chips: you can't stop with just one.
- Stephen King
Under the Dome
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Miss Fitt, you know curiosity gets men killed."
I grinned. "Then I daresay it's good I'm a woman.
- Susan Dennard
Something Strange and Deadly
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hate when couples fight and change their status to 'single' when they're still together and are just mad at one another. Do you see me changing my status to 'orphan' after I fight with my parents?
- Anonymous
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I was raised right — I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners.
- Kathy Griffin
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Atheism is not a philosophy; it is not even a view of the world; it is simply an admission of the obvious. In fact, 'atheism' is a term that should not even exist. No one needs to identify himself as a 'non-astrologer' or a 'non-alchemist.' We do not have words for people who doubt that Elvis is still alive or that aliens have traversed the galaxy only to molest ranchers and cattle. Atheism is nothing more than the noises reasonable people make in the presence of unjustified religious beliefs.
- Sam Harris
Letter to a Christian Nation
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy offers this definition of
the word "Infinite".
Infinite: Bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some.
Much bigger than that in fact, really amazingly immense, a
totally stunning size, "wow, that's big", time. Infinity is just so
big that by comparison, bigness itself looks really titchy.
Gigantic multiplied by colossal multiplied by staggeringly
huge is the sort of concept we're trying to get across here.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
God helps those who strut their stuff.
- Dan Sofer
A Love and Beyond
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Mirrors should think longer before they reflect.
- Jean Cocteau
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I bet," said Mulch, "that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn."
Opal tapped the suggestion into a small electronic notepad on her pocket computer.
Thanks for that. Now, tell me everything.
- Eoin Colfer
The Time Paradox
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yeah you can have a word," said Harry savagely. "Good-bye.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn't believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
- Ricky Gervais
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes Headwoman Azaze. But I never lie to Rosethorn. She, um, discourages it."
"Evvy and I have an understanding." She grabbed the teakettle and poured hot water into the mug. "She tells me the truth, and I don't hang her in the first well we come to. It's a solution that works tolerably well for both of us.
- Tamora Pierce
Melting Stones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Bursar?"
"Yes, Archchancellor?"
"You ain't a member of some secret society or somethin', are you?"
"Me? No, Archchancellor."
"Then it'd be a damn good idea to take your underpants off your head.
- Terry Pratchett
Lords and Ladies
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.
- Scott Adams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Let me be clear. Last I was aware you were neither my husband nor my father nor my King. Therefore, any control you may imagine you hold over me is just that- imaginary
- Sarah MacLean
The Season
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I wish we could make out in your bed."
Noah sighed. "As do I, but I'm afraid we have ritual burning to conduct."
"It's always something."
"Isn't it though?
- Michelle Hodkin
The Evolution of Mara Dyer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He has fought many battles with us" (Jace)
By which you mean one battle" muttered Simon. "Two if you count the one I was a rat
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.
- Ray Romano
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Librarians are the secret masters of the world. They control information. Don't ever piss one off.
- Spider Robinson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How can a person deal with anxiety? You might try what one fellow did. He worried so much that he decided to hire someone to do his worrying for him. He found a man who agreed to be his hired worrier for a salary of $200,000 per year. After the man accepted the job, his first question to his boss was, "Where are you going to get $200,000 per year?" To which the man responded, "That's your worry.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Not too fast," called Raoul. "Let's not scare anyone."
"His majesty said with all deliberate speed!" chirped the courier. He flinched under Lerant's glare.
"That's how we're doing it," Raoul told him. "Deliberately.
- Tamora Pierce
Squire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse
- Bill Watterson
It's a Magical World
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's Sanjit. It's a Hindu name. It means 'invincible.'"
"That's great," Lana said.
"Invincible. I can't be vinced."
"That's not even a word," Lana said.
"Go ahead: try to vince me," Sanjit said.
- Michael Grant
Plague
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Murder is like potato chips: you can't stop with just one.
- Stephen King
Under the Dome
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Miss Fitt, you know curiosity gets men killed."
I grinned. "Then I daresay it's good I'm a woman.
- Susan Dennard
Something Strange and Deadly
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hate when couples fight and change their status to 'single' when they're still together and are just mad at one another. Do you see me changing my status to 'orphan' after I fight with my parents?
- Anonymous
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was raised right — I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners.
- Kathy Griffin
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Atheism is not a philosophy; it is not even a view of the world; it is simply an admission of the obvious. In fact, 'atheism' is a term that should not even exist. No one needs to identify himself as a 'non-astrologer' or a 'non-alchemist.' We do not have words for people who doubt that Elvis is still alive or that aliens have traversed the galaxy only to molest ranchers and cattle. Atheism is nothing more than the noises reasonable people make in the presence of unjustified religious beliefs.
- Sam Harris
Letter to a Christian Nation
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy offers this definition of
the word "Infinite".
Infinite: Bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some.
Much bigger than that in fact, really amazingly immense, a
totally stunning size, "wow, that's big", time. Infinity is just so
big that by comparison, bigness itself looks really titchy.
Gigantic multiplied by colossal multiplied by staggeringly
huge is the sort of concept we're trying to get across here.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
God helps those who strut their stuff.
- Dan Sofer
A Love and Beyond
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Mirrors should think longer before they reflect.
- Jean Cocteau
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I bet," said Mulch, "that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn."
Opal tapped the suggestion into a small electronic notepad on her pocket computer.
Thanks for that. Now, tell me everything.
- Eoin Colfer
The Time Paradox
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yeah you can have a word," said Harry savagely. "Good-bye.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn't believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
- Ricky Gervais
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes Headwoman Azaze. But I never lie to Rosethorn. She, um, discourages it."
"Evvy and I have an understanding." She grabbed the teakettle and poured hot water into the mug. "She tells me the truth, and I don't hang her in the first well we come to. It's a solution that works tolerably well for both of us.
- Tamora Pierce
Melting Stones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Bursar?"
"Yes, Archchancellor?"
"You ain't a member of some secret society or somethin', are you?"
"Me? No, Archchancellor."
"Then it'd be a damn good idea to take your underpants off your head.
- Terry Pratchett
Lords and Ladies
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.
- Scott Adams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Let me be clear. Last I was aware you were neither my husband nor my father nor my King. Therefore, any control you may imagine you hold over me is just that- imaginary
- Sarah MacLean
The Season
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I wish we could make out in your bed."
Noah sighed. "As do I, but I'm afraid we have ritual burning to conduct."
"It's always something."
"Isn't it though?
- Michelle Hodkin
The Evolution of Mara Dyer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He has fought many battles with us" (Jace)
By which you mean one battle" muttered Simon. "Two if you count the one I was a rat
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.
- Ray Romano
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Librarians are the secret masters of the world. They control information. Don't ever piss one off.
- Spider Robinson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How can a person deal with anxiety? You might try what one fellow did. He worried so much that he decided to hire someone to do his worrying for him. He found a man who agreed to be his hired worrier for a salary of $200,000 per year. After the man accepted the job, his first question to his boss was, "Where are you going to get $200,000 per year?" To which the man responded, "That's your worry.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Not too fast," called Raoul. "Let's not scare anyone."
"His majesty said with all deliberate speed!" chirped the courier. He flinched under Lerant's glare.
"That's how we're doing it," Raoul told him. "Deliberately.
- Tamora Pierce
Squire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse
- Bill Watterson
It's a Magical World
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's Sanjit. It's a Hindu name. It means 'invincible.'"
"That's great," Lana said.
"Invincible. I can't be vinced."
"That's not even a word," Lana said.
"Go ahead: try to vince me," Sanjit said.
- Michael Grant
Plague
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Murder is like potato chips: you can't stop with just one.
- Stephen King
Under the Dome
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Miss Fitt, you know curiosity gets men killed."
I grinned. "Then I daresay it's good I'm a woman.
- Susan Dennard
Something Strange and Deadly
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hate when couples fight and change their status to 'single' when they're still together and are just mad at one another. Do you see me changing my status to 'orphan' after I fight with my parents?
- Anonymous
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was raised right — I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners.
- Kathy Griffin
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Atheism is not a philosophy; it is not even a view of the world; it is simply an admission of the obvious. In fact, 'atheism' is a term that should not even exist. No one needs to identify himself as a 'non-astrologer' or a 'non-alchemist.' We do not have words for people who doubt that Elvis is still alive or that aliens have traversed the galaxy only to molest ranchers and cattle. Atheism is nothing more than the noises reasonable people make in the presence of unjustified religious beliefs.
- Sam Harris
Letter to a Christian Nation
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy offers this definition of
the word "Infinite".
Infinite: Bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some.
Much bigger than that in fact, really amazingly immense, a
totally stunning size, "wow, that's big", time. Infinity is just so
big that by comparison, bigness itself looks really titchy.
Gigantic multiplied by colossal multiplied by staggeringly
huge is the sort of concept we're trying to get across here.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
God helps those who strut their stuff.
- Dan Sofer
A Love and Beyond
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Mirrors should think longer before they reflect.
- Jean Cocteau
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I bet," said Mulch, "that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn."
Opal tapped the suggestion into a small electronic notepad on her pocket computer.
Thanks for that. Now, tell me everything.
- Eoin Colfer
The Time Paradox
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yeah you can have a word," said Harry savagely. "Good-bye.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn't believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
- Ricky Gervais
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes Headwoman Azaze. But I never lie to Rosethorn. She, um, discourages it."
"Evvy and I have an understanding." She grabbed the teakettle and poured hot water into the mug. "She tells me the truth, and I don't hang her in the first well we come to. It's a solution that works tolerably well for both of us.
- Tamora Pierce
Melting Stones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Bursar?"
"Yes, Archchancellor?"
"You ain't a member of some secret society or somethin', are you?"
"Me? No, Archchancellor."
"Then it'd be a damn good idea to take your underpants off your head.
- Terry Pratchett
Lords and Ladies
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.
- Scott Adams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Let me be clear. Last I was aware you were neither my husband nor my father nor my King. Therefore, any control you may imagine you hold over me is just that- imaginary
- Sarah MacLean
The Season
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I wish we could make out in your bed."
Noah sighed. "As do I, but I'm afraid we have ritual burning to conduct."
"It's always something."
"Isn't it though?
- Michelle Hodkin
The Evolution of Mara Dyer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He has fought many battles with us" (Jace)
By which you mean one battle" muttered Simon. "Two if you count the one I was a rat
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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