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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.    Back

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NOT YET RATED
I've got a theory, it could be bunnies...

I've got a theor-

Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes
They've got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses.
And what's with all the carrots-?
What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?
Bunnies, bunnies it must be bunnies!

...or maybe midgets...
- Joss Whedon Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Shigure: JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR A SECOND, KYO!

Kyo: SHUT UP! I HATE THIS! DO YOU REALLY GET THAT MUCH ENJOYMENT FROM PLAYING WITH PEOPLES' LIVES?!

Shigure: Well, yes, now that you mention it, I do--BUT THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!

Kyo: Man, your persuasion skills SUCK!

Tohru: Um, welcome home. Dinner's-

Kyo: NOT HUNGRY!

Shigure: KYO! DON'T TAKE THIS OUT ON TOHRU! And come back to the entrance hall this instant and take those shoes off!

Yuki: He's right, Shigure. You really do suck at persuasion.
- Natsuki Takaya
Fruits Basket, Vol. 1
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Another relative?” Valek asked.

A broad smile stretched Moon Man’s lips. “Yes. I am her mother’s uncle’s wife’s third cousin.
- Maria V. Snyder
Magic Study
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal.
- Eoin Colfer
The Time Paradox
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
The woman is the home. That's where she used to be, and that's where she still is. You might ask me, What if a man tries to be part of the home -- will the woman let him? I answer yes. Because the he becomes one of the children.
- Marguerite Duras
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
People have hope because they cannot see Death standing behind them.
- Tite Kubo
Topic: Funny, Hope
NOT YET RATED
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again.
- Christopher Moore
A Dirty Job
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Before I begin, may I ask how old you are?"
"You may ask."
"How old are you?"
"It's none of your business
- Christopher Pike
The Last Vampire
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.
- Helen Rowland
A Guide To Men: Being Encore Reflections Of A Bachelor Girl
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Rule of life. If you bother to ask someone’s advice, then bother to listen to it.
- Sophie Kinsella
Confessions of a Shopaholic
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED
Linh Cinder. Such a pleasure. My master has spoken so highly of you.”

Cinder paused and studied her again. “Who are you?”

“I’m called Darla. I am Captain Thorne’s mistress.”

Cinder blinked. “Excuse me?”

“He asked me to stay and keep watch over the vehicle,” she said. “He’s just gone inside to be heroic. I’m sure he’ll be glad to know you’re here. I believe he’s under the impression that you’re out in space somewhere.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
His sentences didn't seem to have any verbs, which was par for a politician. All nouns, no action.
- Jennifer Crusie
Charlie All Night
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Now now, Emily, it isn't nice to tell the truth.
- Jun Mochizuki
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Who, last time I'd checked, was still on our official archenemy list. (Yes, we have to keep a list. It's kind of sad.)
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
I've learned that you know your husband still loves you when there are two brownies left and he takes the smaller one.
- H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
What's in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose by any other name would still smell.
- The Reduced Shakespeare Company
The Compleat Works of Wllm Shkspr
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Rule number 2 - don't listen to me!" Arriane laughed, "I'm certifiably insane!
- Lauren Kate
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Film lovers are sick people.
- François Truffaut
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
It is in the character of very few men to honor without envy a friend who has prospered.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
When they reached a maintenance closet, Iko ushered the escort-droid inside.

“I want you to know that I hold nothing against you,” she said, by way of introduction. “I understand that it isn’t your fault your programmer had so little imagination.”

The escort-droid held her gaze with empty eyes.

“In another life, we could have been sisters, and I feel it’s important to acknowledge that.”

A blank stare. A blink, every six seconds.

“But as it stands, I’m a part of an important mission right now, and I cannot be swayed from my goal by my sympathy for androids who are less advanced than myself.”

Nothing.

“All right then.” Iko held out her hands. “I need your clothes.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
I was watching a collection of vintage '80s cereal commercials when I paused to wonder why cereal manufacturers no longer included toy prizes inside every box. It was a tragedy, in my opinion. Another sign that civilization was going straight down the tubes.
- Ernest Cline
Ready Player One
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Harry," Bob drawled, his eye lights flickering smugly, "what you know about women, I could juggle.
- Jim Butcher
Storm Front
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
I think a man's "wordplay" can be so fucking sexy!!! I love a good mind fuck!!
- Junnita Jackson
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Unseen University had never admitted women, muttering something about problems with the plumbing, but the real reason was an unspoken dread that if women were allowed to mess around with magic they would probably be embarrassingly good at it…
- Terry Pratchett
The Light Fantastic
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
I've got a theory, it could be bunnies...

I've got a theor-

Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes
They've got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses.
And what's with all the carrots-?
What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?
Bunnies, bunnies it must be bunnies!

...or maybe midgets...
- Joss Whedon Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Shigure: JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR A SECOND, KYO!

Kyo: SHUT UP! I HATE THIS! DO YOU REALLY GET THAT MUCH ENJOYMENT FROM PLAYING WITH PEOPLES' LIVES?!

Shigure: Well, yes, now that you mention it, I do--BUT THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!

Kyo: Man, your persuasion skills SUCK!

Tohru: Um, welcome home. Dinner's-

Kyo: NOT HUNGRY!

Shigure: KYO! DON'T TAKE THIS OUT ON TOHRU! And come back to the entrance hall this instant and take those shoes off!

Yuki: He's right, Shigure. You really do suck at persuasion.
- Natsuki Takaya
Fruits Basket, Vol. 1
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Another relative?” Valek asked.

A broad smile stretched Moon Man’s lips. “Yes. I am her mother’s uncle’s wife’s third cousin.
- Maria V. Snyder
Magic Study
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal.
- Eoin Colfer
The Time Paradox
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
The woman is the home. That's where she used to be, and that's where she still is. You might ask me, What if a man tries to be part of the home -- will the woman let him? I answer yes. Because the he becomes one of the children.
- Marguerite Duras
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
People have hope because they cannot see Death standing behind them.
- Tite Kubo
Topic: Funny, Hope
NOT YET RATED
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again.
- Christopher Moore
A Dirty Job
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Before I begin, may I ask how old you are?"
"You may ask."
"How old are you?"
"It's none of your business
- Christopher Pike
The Last Vampire
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.
- Helen Rowland
A Guide To Men: Being Encore Reflections Of A Bachelor Girl
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Rule of life. If you bother to ask someone’s advice, then bother to listen to it.
- Sophie Kinsella
Confessions of a Shopaholic
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED
Linh Cinder. Such a pleasure. My master has spoken so highly of you.”

Cinder paused and studied her again. “Who are you?”

“I’m called Darla. I am Captain Thorne’s mistress.”

Cinder blinked. “Excuse me?”

“He asked me to stay and keep watch over the vehicle,” she said. “He’s just gone inside to be heroic. I’m sure he’ll be glad to know you’re here. I believe he’s under the impression that you’re out in space somewhere.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
His sentences didn't seem to have any verbs, which was par for a politician. All nouns, no action.
- Jennifer Crusie
Charlie All Night
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Now now, Emily, it isn't nice to tell the truth.
- Jun Mochizuki
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Who, last time I'd checked, was still on our official archenemy list. (Yes, we have to keep a list. It's kind of sad.)
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
I've learned that you know your husband still loves you when there are two brownies left and he takes the smaller one.
- H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
What's in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose by any other name would still smell.
- The Reduced Shakespeare Company
The Compleat Works of Wllm Shkspr
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Rule number 2 - don't listen to me!" Arriane laughed, "I'm certifiably insane!
- Lauren Kate
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Film lovers are sick people.
- François Truffaut
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
It is in the character of very few men to honor without envy a friend who has prospered.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
When they reached a maintenance closet, Iko ushered the escort-droid inside.

“I want you to know that I hold nothing against you,” she said, by way of introduction. “I understand that it isn’t your fault your programmer had so little imagination.”

The escort-droid held her gaze with empty eyes.

“In another life, we could have been sisters, and I feel it’s important to acknowledge that.”

A blank stare. A blink, every six seconds.

“But as it stands, I’m a part of an important mission right now, and I cannot be swayed from my goal by my sympathy for androids who are less advanced than myself.”

Nothing.

“All right then.” Iko held out her hands. “I need your clothes.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
I was watching a collection of vintage '80s cereal commercials when I paused to wonder why cereal manufacturers no longer included toy prizes inside every box. It was a tragedy, in my opinion. Another sign that civilization was going straight down the tubes.
- Ernest Cline
Ready Player One
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Harry," Bob drawled, his eye lights flickering smugly, "what you know about women, I could juggle.
- Jim Butcher
Storm Front
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
I think a man's "wordplay" can be so fucking sexy!!! I love a good mind fuck!!
- Junnita Jackson
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Unseen University had never admitted women, muttering something about problems with the plumbing, but the real reason was an unspoken dread that if women were allowed to mess around with magic they would probably be embarrassingly good at it…
- Terry Pratchett
The Light Fantastic
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
I've got a theory, it could be bunnies...

I've got a theor-

Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes
They've got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses.
And what's with all the carrots-?
What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?
Bunnies, bunnies it must be bunnies!

...or maybe midgets...
- Joss Whedon Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Shigure: JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR A SECOND, KYO!

Kyo: SHUT UP! I HATE THIS! DO YOU REALLY GET THAT MUCH ENJOYMENT FROM PLAYING WITH PEOPLES' LIVES?!

Shigure: Well, yes, now that you mention it, I do--BUT THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!

Kyo: Man, your persuasion skills SUCK!

Tohru: Um, welcome home. Dinner's-

Kyo: NOT HUNGRY!

Shigure: KYO! DON'T TAKE THIS OUT ON TOHRU! And come back to the entrance hall this instant and take those shoes off!

Yuki: He's right, Shigure. You really do suck at persuasion.
- Natsuki Takaya
Fruits Basket, Vol. 1
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Another relative?” Valek asked.

A broad smile stretched Moon Man’s lips. “Yes. I am her mother’s uncle’s wife’s third cousin.
- Maria V. Snyder
Magic Study
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal.
- Eoin Colfer
The Time Paradox
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
The woman is the home. That's where she used to be, and that's where she still is. You might ask me, What if a man tries to be part of the home -- will the woman let him? I answer yes. Because the he becomes one of the children.
- Marguerite Duras
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
People have hope because they cannot see Death standing behind them.
- Tite Kubo
Topic: Funny, Hope
NOT YET RATED
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again.
- Christopher Moore
A Dirty Job
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Before I begin, may I ask how old you are?"
"You may ask."
"How old are you?"
"It's none of your business
- Christopher Pike
The Last Vampire
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.
- Helen Rowland
A Guide To Men: Being Encore Reflections Of A Bachelor Girl
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Rule of life. If you bother to ask someone’s advice, then bother to listen to it.
- Sophie Kinsella
Confessions of a Shopaholic
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED
Linh Cinder. Such a pleasure. My master has spoken so highly of you.”

Cinder paused and studied her again. “Who are you?”

“I’m called Darla. I am Captain Thorne’s mistress.”

Cinder blinked. “Excuse me?”

“He asked me to stay and keep watch over the vehicle,” she said. “He’s just gone inside to be heroic. I’m sure he’ll be glad to know you’re here. I believe he’s under the impression that you’re out in space somewhere.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
His sentences didn't seem to have any verbs, which was par for a politician. All nouns, no action.
- Jennifer Crusie
Charlie All Night
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Now now, Emily, it isn't nice to tell the truth.
- Jun Mochizuki
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Who, last time I'd checked, was still on our official archenemy list. (Yes, we have to keep a list. It's kind of sad.)
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
I've learned that you know your husband still loves you when there are two brownies left and he takes the smaller one.
- H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
What's in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose by any other name would still smell.
- The Reduced Shakespeare Company
The Compleat Works of Wllm Shkspr
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Rule number 2 - don't listen to me!" Arriane laughed, "I'm certifiably insane!
- Lauren Kate
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Film lovers are sick people.
- François Truffaut
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
It is in the character of very few men to honor without envy a friend who has prospered.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
When they reached a maintenance closet, Iko ushered the escort-droid inside.

“I want you to know that I hold nothing against you,” she said, by way of introduction. “I understand that it isn’t your fault your programmer had so little imagination.”

The escort-droid held her gaze with empty eyes.

“In another life, we could have been sisters, and I feel it’s important to acknowledge that.”

A blank stare. A blink, every six seconds.

“But as it stands, I’m a part of an important mission right now, and I cannot be swayed from my goal by my sympathy for androids who are less advanced than myself.”

Nothing.

“All right then.” Iko held out her hands. “I need your clothes.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
I was watching a collection of vintage '80s cereal commercials when I paused to wonder why cereal manufacturers no longer included toy prizes inside every box. It was a tragedy, in my opinion. Another sign that civilization was going straight down the tubes.
- Ernest Cline
Ready Player One
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Harry," Bob drawled, his eye lights flickering smugly, "what you know about women, I could juggle.
- Jim Butcher
Storm Front
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
I think a man's "wordplay" can be so fucking sexy!!! I love a good mind fuck!!
- Junnita Jackson
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Unseen University had never admitted women, muttering something about problems with the plumbing, but the real reason was an unspoken dread that if women were allowed to mess around with magic they would probably be embarrassingly good at it…
- Terry Pratchett
The Light Fantastic
Topic: Funny
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121
122
123
124
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