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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.
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For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him will believeth in anything. - Hitchens 3:16
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Westley: This is true love — you think this happens every day?
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
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I don't like to think of it as 'stolen'. They have no proof that I didn't plan on giving it back."
"You're kidding, right?"
He shrugged. "You have no proof either."
She squinted back at him. "Were you planning on giving it back?"
"Maybe."
An orange light blinked on in the corner of Cinder's vision-her cyborg programming picking up on the lie.
- Marissa Meyer
Scarlet
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I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt
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We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is being an ass.
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Chocolate is God's apology for brocolli
- Richard Paul Evans
The Sunflower
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Nothing's a better cure for writer's block than to eat ice cream right out of the carton.
- Don Roff
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I'm going to make it a law that the correct way to address your sovereign is my giving a high five.' Kai's smiled brightened. 'That's genius. Me too.
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...slow and drunk is no match for fast and scared shitless.
- Ransom Riggs
Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children
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This is the best night of my life," Raffy says, crying.
"Raffy, half our House has burnt down," I say wearily. "We don't have a kitchen."
"Why do you always have to be so pessimistic?" she asks. "We can double up in our rooms and have a barbecue every night like the Cadets."
Silently I vow to keep Raffy around for the rest of my life.
- Melina Marchetta
On the Jellicoe Road
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I'm having a panic attack, you inconsiderate ass.
- Tahereh Mafi
Restore Me
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The more you talk about it, rehash it, rethink it, cross analyze it, debate it, respond to it, get paranoid about it, compete with it, complain about it, immortalize it, cry over it, kick it, defame it, stalk it, gossip about it, pray over it, put it down or dissect its motives it continues to rot in your brain. It is dead. It is over. It is gone. It is done. It is time to bury it because it is smelling up your life and no one wants to be near your rotted corpse of memories and decaying attitude. Be the funeral director of your life and bury that thing!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life's greatest tragedy is not that it will someday end, but that most only live to follow directions and sometimes we end up totally lost.
- Alex Gaskarth
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If you are good life is good.
- Roald Dahl
Matilda
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I still can't believe," Michael said, sotto voce, "that you came to the Vampires' Masquerade Ball dressed as a vampire.
- Jim Butcher
Grave Peril
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I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.
- Demetri Martin
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If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.

- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
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Because this absolutely insane - the craziest thing I'd ever done. Worse than giving a one-star review, scarier than asking for an interview with an author I'd give my firstborn to eat lunch with, more stupid than kissing Daemon.
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An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.
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Grumpy. Angry. Stupid. How long since last sleep, question?
- Andy Weir
Project Hail Mary
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This is a good place," he said.
"There's a lot of liquor," I agreed.
- Ernest Hemingway
The Sun Also Rises
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Writing is like getting married. One should never commit oneself until one is amazed at one's luck.
- Iris Murdoch
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Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him will believeth in anything. - Hitchens 3:16
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Westley: This is true love — you think this happens every day?
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't like to think of it as 'stolen'. They have no proof that I didn't plan on giving it back."
"You're kidding, right?"
He shrugged. "You have no proof either."
She squinted back at him. "Were you planning on giving it back?"
"Maybe."
An orange light blinked on in the corner of Cinder's vision-her cyborg programming picking up on the lie.
- Marissa Meyer
Scarlet
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is being an ass.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Chocolate is God's apology for brocolli
- Richard Paul Evans
The Sunflower
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Nothing's a better cure for writer's block than to eat ice cream right out of the carton.
- Don Roff
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm going to make it a law that the correct way to address your sovereign is my giving a high five.' Kai's smiled brightened. 'That's genius. Me too.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...slow and drunk is no match for fast and scared shitless.
- Ransom Riggs
Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is the best night of my life," Raffy says, crying.
"Raffy, half our House has burnt down," I say wearily. "We don't have a kitchen."
"Why do you always have to be so pessimistic?" she asks. "We can double up in our rooms and have a barbecue every night like the Cadets."
Silently I vow to keep Raffy around for the rest of my life.
- Melina Marchetta
On the Jellicoe Road
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm having a panic attack, you inconsiderate ass.
- Tahereh Mafi
Restore Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The more you talk about it, rehash it, rethink it, cross analyze it, debate it, respond to it, get paranoid about it, compete with it, complain about it, immortalize it, cry over it, kick it, defame it, stalk it, gossip about it, pray over it, put it down or dissect its motives it continues to rot in your brain. It is dead. It is over. It is gone. It is done. It is time to bury it because it is smelling up your life and no one wants to be near your rotted corpse of memories and decaying attitude. Be the funeral director of your life and bury that thing!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life's greatest tragedy is not that it will someday end, but that most only live to follow directions and sometimes we end up totally lost.
- Alex Gaskarth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you are good life is good.
- Roald Dahl
Matilda
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I still can't believe," Michael said, sotto voce, "that you came to the Vampires' Masquerade Ball dressed as a vampire.
- Jim Butcher
Grave Peril
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.
- Demetri Martin
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.

- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Because this absolutely insane - the craziest thing I'd ever done. Worse than giving a one-star review, scarier than asking for an interview with an author I'd give my firstborn to eat lunch with, more stupid than kissing Daemon.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Grumpy. Angry. Stupid. How long since last sleep, question?
- Andy Weir
Project Hail Mary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is a good place," he said.
"There's a lot of liquor," I agreed.
- Ernest Hemingway
The Sun Also Rises
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Writing is like getting married. One should never commit oneself until one is amazed at one's luck.
- Iris Murdoch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him will believeth in anything. - Hitchens 3:16
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Westley: This is true love — you think this happens every day?
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't like to think of it as 'stolen'. They have no proof that I didn't plan on giving it back."
"You're kidding, right?"
He shrugged. "You have no proof either."
She squinted back at him. "Were you planning on giving it back?"
"Maybe."
An orange light blinked on in the corner of Cinder's vision-her cyborg programming picking up on the lie.
- Marissa Meyer
Scarlet
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is being an ass.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Chocolate is God's apology for brocolli
- Richard Paul Evans
The Sunflower
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Nothing's a better cure for writer's block than to eat ice cream right out of the carton.
- Don Roff
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm going to make it a law that the correct way to address your sovereign is my giving a high five.' Kai's smiled brightened. 'That's genius. Me too.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...slow and drunk is no match for fast and scared shitless.
- Ransom Riggs
Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is the best night of my life," Raffy says, crying.
"Raffy, half our House has burnt down," I say wearily. "We don't have a kitchen."
"Why do you always have to be so pessimistic?" she asks. "We can double up in our rooms and have a barbecue every night like the Cadets."
Silently I vow to keep Raffy around for the rest of my life.
- Melina Marchetta
On the Jellicoe Road
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm having a panic attack, you inconsiderate ass.
- Tahereh Mafi
Restore Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The more you talk about it, rehash it, rethink it, cross analyze it, debate it, respond to it, get paranoid about it, compete with it, complain about it, immortalize it, cry over it, kick it, defame it, stalk it, gossip about it, pray over it, put it down or dissect its motives it continues to rot in your brain. It is dead. It is over. It is gone. It is done. It is time to bury it because it is smelling up your life and no one wants to be near your rotted corpse of memories and decaying attitude. Be the funeral director of your life and bury that thing!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life's greatest tragedy is not that it will someday end, but that most only live to follow directions and sometimes we end up totally lost.
- Alex Gaskarth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you are good life is good.
- Roald Dahl
Matilda
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I still can't believe," Michael said, sotto voce, "that you came to the Vampires' Masquerade Ball dressed as a vampire.
- Jim Butcher
Grave Peril
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.
- Demetri Martin
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.

- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Because this absolutely insane - the craziest thing I'd ever done. Worse than giving a one-star review, scarier than asking for an interview with an author I'd give my firstborn to eat lunch with, more stupid than kissing Daemon.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Grumpy. Angry. Stupid. How long since last sleep, question?
- Andy Weir
Project Hail Mary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is a good place," he said.
"There's a lot of liquor," I agreed.
- Ernest Hemingway
The Sun Also Rises
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Writing is like getting married. One should never commit oneself until one is amazed at one's luck.
- Iris Murdoch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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129
130
131
132
133
 		...