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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.    Back

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For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him will believeth in anything. - Hitchens 3:16
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
Westley: This is true love — you think this happens every day?
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
I don't like to think of it as 'stolen'. They have no proof that I didn't plan on giving it back."
"You're kidding, right?"
He shrugged. "You have no proof either."
She squinted back at him. "Were you planning on giving it back?"
"Maybe."
An orange light blinked on in the corner of Cinder's vision-her cyborg programming picking up on the lie.
- Marissa Meyer
Scarlet
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING
I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.
Topic: Funny
We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is being an ass.
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
Chocolate is God's apology for brocolli
- Richard Paul Evans
The Sunflower
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
Nothing's a better cure for writer's block than to eat ice cream right out of the carton.
- Don Roff
NOT YET RATING
I'm going to make it a law that the correct way to address your sovereign is my giving a high five.' Kai's smiled brightened. 'That's genius. Me too.
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
...slow and drunk is no match for fast and scared shitless.
- Ransom Riggs
Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
This is the best night of my life," Raffy says, crying.
"Raffy, half our House has burnt down," I say wearily. "We don't have a kitchen."
"Why do you always have to be so pessimistic?" she asks. "We can double up in our rooms and have a barbecue every night like the Cadets."
Silently I vow to keep Raffy around for the rest of my life.
- Melina Marchetta
On the Jellicoe Road
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
I'm having a panic attack, you inconsiderate ass.
- Tahereh Mafi
Restore Me
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
The more you talk about it, rehash it, rethink it, cross analyze it, debate it, respond to it, get paranoid about it, compete with it, complain about it, immortalize it, cry over it, kick it, defame it, stalk it, gossip about it, pray over it, put it down or dissect its motives it continues to rot in your brain. It is dead. It is over. It is gone. It is done. It is time to bury it because it is smelling up your life and no one wants to be near your rotted corpse of memories and decaying attitude. Be the funeral director of your life and bury that thing!
NOT YET RATING
Life's greatest tragedy is not that it will someday end, but that most only live to follow directions and sometimes we end up totally lost.
- Alex Gaskarth
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
If you are good life is good.
- Roald Dahl
Matilda
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
I still can't believe," Michael said, sotto voce, "that you came to the Vampires' Masquerade Ball dressed as a vampire.
- Jim Butcher
Grave Peril
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.
- Demetri Martin
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.

- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
NOT YET RATING
XXX
NOT YET RATING
Because this absolutely insane - the craziest thing I'd ever done. Worse than giving a one-star review, scarier than asking for an interview with an author I'd give my firstborn to eat lunch with, more stupid than kissing Daemon.
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING
An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.
Topic: Funny
Grumpy. Angry. Stupid. How long since last sleep, question?
- Andy Weir
Project Hail Mary
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING
This is a good place," he said.
"There's a lot of liquor," I agreed.
- Ernest Hemingway
The Sun Also Rises
Topic: Funny
Writing is like getting married. One should never commit oneself until one is amazed at one's luck.
- Iris Murdoch
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING
Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Topic: Funny
Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I win!
Calvin: You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mindmeld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I knew you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Oh! Aarg!
[Calvin runs in circles around Hobbes screaming "Aaaaaaaaaaaa", then falls over.]
Hobbes: Look, it's just a game.
Calvin: I know! You should see me when I lose in real life!
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him will believeth in anything. - Hitchens 3:16
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
Westley: This is true love — you think this happens every day?
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
I don't like to think of it as 'stolen'. They have no proof that I didn't plan on giving it back."
"You're kidding, right?"
He shrugged. "You have no proof either."
She squinted back at him. "Were you planning on giving it back?"
"Maybe."
An orange light blinked on in the corner of Cinder's vision-her cyborg programming picking up on the lie.
- Marissa Meyer
Scarlet
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING
I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.
Topic: Funny
We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is being an ass.
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
Chocolate is God's apology for brocolli
- Richard Paul Evans
The Sunflower
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
Nothing's a better cure for writer's block than to eat ice cream right out of the carton.
- Don Roff
NOT YET RATING
I'm going to make it a law that the correct way to address your sovereign is my giving a high five.' Kai's smiled brightened. 'That's genius. Me too.
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
...slow and drunk is no match for fast and scared shitless.
- Ransom Riggs
Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
This is the best night of my life," Raffy says, crying.
"Raffy, half our House has burnt down," I say wearily. "We don't have a kitchen."
"Why do you always have to be so pessimistic?" she asks. "We can double up in our rooms and have a barbecue every night like the Cadets."
Silently I vow to keep Raffy around for the rest of my life.
- Melina Marchetta
On the Jellicoe Road
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
I'm having a panic attack, you inconsiderate ass.
- Tahereh Mafi
Restore Me
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
The more you talk about it, rehash it, rethink it, cross analyze it, debate it, respond to it, get paranoid about it, compete with it, complain about it, immortalize it, cry over it, kick it, defame it, stalk it, gossip about it, pray over it, put it down or dissect its motives it continues to rot in your brain. It is dead. It is over. It is gone. It is done. It is time to bury it because it is smelling up your life and no one wants to be near your rotted corpse of memories and decaying attitude. Be the funeral director of your life and bury that thing!
NOT YET RATING
Life's greatest tragedy is not that it will someday end, but that most only live to follow directions and sometimes we end up totally lost.
- Alex Gaskarth
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
If you are good life is good.
- Roald Dahl
Matilda
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
I still can't believe," Michael said, sotto voce, "that you came to the Vampires' Masquerade Ball dressed as a vampire.
- Jim Butcher
Grave Peril
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.
- Demetri Martin
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.

- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
NOT YET RATING
XXX
NOT YET RATING
Because this absolutely insane - the craziest thing I'd ever done. Worse than giving a one-star review, scarier than asking for an interview with an author I'd give my firstborn to eat lunch with, more stupid than kissing Daemon.
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING
An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.
Topic: Funny
Grumpy. Angry. Stupid. How long since last sleep, question?
- Andy Weir
Project Hail Mary
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING
This is a good place," he said.
"There's a lot of liquor," I agreed.
- Ernest Hemingway
The Sun Also Rises
Topic: Funny
Writing is like getting married. One should never commit oneself until one is amazed at one's luck.
- Iris Murdoch
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING
Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Topic: Funny
Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I win!
Calvin: You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mindmeld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I knew you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Oh! Aarg!
[Calvin runs in circles around Hobbes screaming "Aaaaaaaaaaaa", then falls over.]
Hobbes: Look, it's just a game.
Calvin: I know! You should see me when I lose in real life!
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him will believeth in anything. - Hitchens 3:16
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
Westley: This is true love — you think this happens every day?
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
I don't like to think of it as 'stolen'. They have no proof that I didn't plan on giving it back."
"You're kidding, right?"
He shrugged. "You have no proof either."
She squinted back at him. "Were you planning on giving it back?"
"Maybe."
An orange light blinked on in the corner of Cinder's vision-her cyborg programming picking up on the lie.
- Marissa Meyer
Scarlet
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING
I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.
Topic: Funny
We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is being an ass.
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
Chocolate is God's apology for brocolli
- Richard Paul Evans
The Sunflower
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
Nothing's a better cure for writer's block than to eat ice cream right out of the carton.
- Don Roff
NOT YET RATING
I'm going to make it a law that the correct way to address your sovereign is my giving a high five.' Kai's smiled brightened. 'That's genius. Me too.
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
...slow and drunk is no match for fast and scared shitless.
- Ransom Riggs
Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
This is the best night of my life," Raffy says, crying.
"Raffy, half our House has burnt down," I say wearily. "We don't have a kitchen."
"Why do you always have to be so pessimistic?" she asks. "We can double up in our rooms and have a barbecue every night like the Cadets."
Silently I vow to keep Raffy around for the rest of my life.
- Melina Marchetta
On the Jellicoe Road
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
I'm having a panic attack, you inconsiderate ass.
- Tahereh Mafi
Restore Me
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
The more you talk about it, rehash it, rethink it, cross analyze it, debate it, respond to it, get paranoid about it, compete with it, complain about it, immortalize it, cry over it, kick it, defame it, stalk it, gossip about it, pray over it, put it down or dissect its motives it continues to rot in your brain. It is dead. It is over. It is gone. It is done. It is time to bury it because it is smelling up your life and no one wants to be near your rotted corpse of memories and decaying attitude. Be the funeral director of your life and bury that thing!
NOT YET RATING
Life's greatest tragedy is not that it will someday end, but that most only live to follow directions and sometimes we end up totally lost.
- Alex Gaskarth
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
If you are good life is good.
- Roald Dahl
Matilda
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
I still can't believe," Michael said, sotto voce, "that you came to the Vampires' Masquerade Ball dressed as a vampire.
- Jim Butcher
Grave Peril
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.
- Demetri Martin
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.

- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
NOT YET RATING
XXX
NOT YET RATING
Because this absolutely insane - the craziest thing I'd ever done. Worse than giving a one-star review, scarier than asking for an interview with an author I'd give my firstborn to eat lunch with, more stupid than kissing Daemon.
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING
An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.
Topic: Funny
Grumpy. Angry. Stupid. How long since last sleep, question?
- Andy Weir
Project Hail Mary
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING
This is a good place," he said.
"There's a lot of liquor," I agreed.
- Ernest Hemingway
The Sun Also Rises
Topic: Funny
Writing is like getting married. One should never commit oneself until one is amazed at one's luck.
- Iris Murdoch
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING
Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Topic: Funny
Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I win!
Calvin: You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mindmeld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I knew you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Oh! Aarg!
[Calvin runs in circles around Hobbes screaming "Aaaaaaaaaaaa", then falls over.]
Hobbes: Look, it's just a game.
Calvin: I know! You should see me when I lose in real life!
NOT YET RATING
Topic: Funny
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