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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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NOT YET RATED ▼
I am your Prince and you will marry me," Humperdinck said.
Buttercup whispered, "I am your servant and I refuse."
"I am you Prince and you cannot refuse."
"I am your loyal servant and I just did."
"Refusal means death."
"Kill me then.
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If I ever meet myself,' said Zaphod, 'I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what's hit me.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Take off your shirt."
Jace raised his eyebrows.
"I'm not going to attack you," she said impatiently. "I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning."
"Are you sure?" he asked, obediently sliding the shirt off his shoulders. "Because viewing my naked chest has caused many women to seriously injure themselves stampeding to get to me.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, 'Do trousers matter?'"
"The mood will pass, sir.
- P.G. Wodehouse
The Code of the Woosters
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Relax, having kids is years away. But can you imagine? Your brains, my charm, our collective good looks... then add in the usual physical abilities dhampirs get.

It's really not even fair to everyone else.
- Richelle Mead
The Fiery Heart
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Poison!" Grover yelped. "Don't let those things touch you or..."
"Or we'll die?" I guessed.
"Well...after you shrivel slowly to dust, yes."
"Let's avoid the swords," I decided.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
A gun. I had been brought down by a gun. It was practically comical. Cheaters, I thought.
- Richelle Mead
Last Sacrifice
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
We are not going to die."

Butters stared up at me, pale, his eyes terrified. "We're not?"

"No. And do you know why?" He shook his head. "Because Thomas is too pretty to die. And because I'm too stubborn to die." I hauled on the shirt even harder. "And most of all because tomorrow is Oktoberfest, Butters, and polka will never die.
- Jim Butcher
Dead Beat
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
It's lovely. If only you could frost someone to death."

"Don't be so superior. You can never tell what you will find in the arena. Say it's a gigantic cake-
- Suzanne Collins
The Hunger Games
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Are you sleepwalking?' A voice asked behind me.
"I was testing dorm security," I said. "It sucks.
- Richelle Mead
Shadow Kiss
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Well, that's an evil smile...
- James Patterson
The Angel Experiment
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
He f**ks even better than he looks”, I settled on saying. Several heads turned. I didn’t care; I was pissed. “And that beautiful face is going to be clamped between my legs as soon as we get home, don’t you worry.
- Jeaniene Frost
Destined for an Early Grave
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If you're trapped in the dream of the Other, you're fucked.
- Gilles Deleuze
Topic: Funny, Philosophical, Relationships
NOT YET RATED ▼
I swear, my dear. Sometimes our conversations remind me of a broken sword."

She raised an eyebrow.

"Sharp as hell," Lightsong said, "but lacking a point.
- Brandon Sanderson
Warbreaker
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says "Morning, boys. How's the water?" And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes "What the hell is water?
- David Foster Wallace
This Is Water: Some Thoughts, Delivered on a Significant Occasion, about Living a Compassionate Life
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.
- Thomas Bernhard
Correction
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
NOT YET RATED ▼
25 And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying 'Where is the flaming sword that was given unto thee?'
26 And the Angel said, 'I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down some where, forget my own head next.'
27 And the Lord did not ask him again.
- Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Once I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
When a man learns to love, he must bear the risk of hatred.
- Uchiha Madara
Topic: Funny, Life, Philosophical
NOT YET RATED ▼
I don't like it when I outweigh my men.
- Patricia Briggs
Moon Called
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating.
- Greg Behrendt
He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I am your Prince and you will marry me," Humperdinck said.
Buttercup whispered, "I am your servant and I refuse."
"I am you Prince and you cannot refuse."
"I am your loyal servant and I just did."
"Refusal means death."
"Kill me then.
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If I ever meet myself,' said Zaphod, 'I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what's hit me.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Take off your shirt."
Jace raised his eyebrows.
"I'm not going to attack you," she said impatiently. "I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning."
"Are you sure?" he asked, obediently sliding the shirt off his shoulders. "Because viewing my naked chest has caused many women to seriously injure themselves stampeding to get to me.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, 'Do trousers matter?'"
"The mood will pass, sir.
- P.G. Wodehouse
The Code of the Woosters
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Relax, having kids is years away. But can you imagine? Your brains, my charm, our collective good looks... then add in the usual physical abilities dhampirs get.

It's really not even fair to everyone else.
- Richelle Mead
The Fiery Heart
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Poison!" Grover yelped. "Don't let those things touch you or..."
"Or we'll die?" I guessed.
"Well...after you shrivel slowly to dust, yes."
"Let's avoid the swords," I decided.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
A gun. I had been brought down by a gun. It was practically comical. Cheaters, I thought.
- Richelle Mead
Last Sacrifice
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
We are not going to die."

Butters stared up at me, pale, his eyes terrified. "We're not?"

"No. And do you know why?" He shook his head. "Because Thomas is too pretty to die. And because I'm too stubborn to die." I hauled on the shirt even harder. "And most of all because tomorrow is Oktoberfest, Butters, and polka will never die.
- Jim Butcher
Dead Beat
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
It's lovely. If only you could frost someone to death."

"Don't be so superior. You can never tell what you will find in the arena. Say it's a gigantic cake-
- Suzanne Collins
The Hunger Games
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Are you sleepwalking?' A voice asked behind me.
"I was testing dorm security," I said. "It sucks.
- Richelle Mead
Shadow Kiss
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Well, that's an evil smile...
- James Patterson
The Angel Experiment
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
He f**ks even better than he looks”, I settled on saying. Several heads turned. I didn’t care; I was pissed. “And that beautiful face is going to be clamped between my legs as soon as we get home, don’t you worry.
- Jeaniene Frost
Destined for an Early Grave
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If you're trapped in the dream of the Other, you're fucked.
- Gilles Deleuze
Topic: Funny, Philosophical, Relationships
NOT YET RATED ▼
I swear, my dear. Sometimes our conversations remind me of a broken sword."

She raised an eyebrow.

"Sharp as hell," Lightsong said, "but lacking a point.
- Brandon Sanderson
Warbreaker
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says "Morning, boys. How's the water?" And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes "What the hell is water?
- David Foster Wallace
This Is Water: Some Thoughts, Delivered on a Significant Occasion, about Living a Compassionate Life
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.
- Thomas Bernhard
Correction
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
NOT YET RATED ▼
25 And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying 'Where is the flaming sword that was given unto thee?'
26 And the Angel said, 'I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down some where, forget my own head next.'
27 And the Lord did not ask him again.
- Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Once I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
When a man learns to love, he must bear the risk of hatred.
- Uchiha Madara
Topic: Funny, Life, Philosophical
NOT YET RATED ▼
I don't like it when I outweigh my men.
- Patricia Briggs
Moon Called
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating.
- Greg Behrendt
He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I am your Prince and you will marry me," Humperdinck said.
Buttercup whispered, "I am your servant and I refuse."
"I am you Prince and you cannot refuse."
"I am your loyal servant and I just did."
"Refusal means death."
"Kill me then.
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If I ever meet myself,' said Zaphod, 'I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what's hit me.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Take off your shirt."
Jace raised his eyebrows.
"I'm not going to attack you," she said impatiently. "I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning."
"Are you sure?" he asked, obediently sliding the shirt off his shoulders. "Because viewing my naked chest has caused many women to seriously injure themselves stampeding to get to me.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, 'Do trousers matter?'"
"The mood will pass, sir.
- P.G. Wodehouse
The Code of the Woosters
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Relax, having kids is years away. But can you imagine? Your brains, my charm, our collective good looks... then add in the usual physical abilities dhampirs get.

It's really not even fair to everyone else.
- Richelle Mead
The Fiery Heart
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Poison!" Grover yelped. "Don't let those things touch you or..."
"Or we'll die?" I guessed.
"Well...after you shrivel slowly to dust, yes."
"Let's avoid the swords," I decided.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
A gun. I had been brought down by a gun. It was practically comical. Cheaters, I thought.
- Richelle Mead
Last Sacrifice
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
We are not going to die."

Butters stared up at me, pale, his eyes terrified. "We're not?"

"No. And do you know why?" He shook his head. "Because Thomas is too pretty to die. And because I'm too stubborn to die." I hauled on the shirt even harder. "And most of all because tomorrow is Oktoberfest, Butters, and polka will never die.
- Jim Butcher
Dead Beat
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
It's lovely. If only you could frost someone to death."

"Don't be so superior. You can never tell what you will find in the arena. Say it's a gigantic cake-
- Suzanne Collins
The Hunger Games
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Are you sleepwalking?' A voice asked behind me.
"I was testing dorm security," I said. "It sucks.
- Richelle Mead
Shadow Kiss
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Well, that's an evil smile...
- James Patterson
The Angel Experiment
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
He f**ks even better than he looks”, I settled on saying. Several heads turned. I didn’t care; I was pissed. “And that beautiful face is going to be clamped between my legs as soon as we get home, don’t you worry.
- Jeaniene Frost
Destined for an Early Grave
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If you're trapped in the dream of the Other, you're fucked.
- Gilles Deleuze
Topic: Funny, Philosophical, Relationships
NOT YET RATED ▼
I swear, my dear. Sometimes our conversations remind me of a broken sword."

She raised an eyebrow.

"Sharp as hell," Lightsong said, "but lacking a point.
- Brandon Sanderson
Warbreaker
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says "Morning, boys. How's the water?" And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes "What the hell is water?
- David Foster Wallace
This Is Water: Some Thoughts, Delivered on a Significant Occasion, about Living a Compassionate Life
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.
- Thomas Bernhard
Correction
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
NOT YET RATED ▼
25 And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying 'Where is the flaming sword that was given unto thee?'
26 And the Angel said, 'I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down some where, forget my own head next.'
27 And the Lord did not ask him again.
- Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Once I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
When a man learns to love, he must bear the risk of hatred.
- Uchiha Madara
Topic: Funny, Life, Philosophical
NOT YET RATED ▼
I don't like it when I outweigh my men.
- Patricia Briggs
Moon Called
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating.
- Greg Behrendt
He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.
Topic: Funny
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 		...