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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
No brain at all, some of them [people], only grey fluff that's blown into their heads by mistake, and they don't Think.
- A.A. Milne
The House at Pooh Corner
Topic: Funny
Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Very Good, Jeeves!
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
But, of course, you might be asking yourself, 'Am I a feminist? I might not be. I don't know! I still don't know what it is! I'm too knackered and confused to work it out. That curtain pole really still isn't up! I don't have time to work out if I am a women's libber! There seems to be a lot to it. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?'
I understand.
So here is the quick way of working out if you're a feminist. Put your hand in your pants.

a) Do you have a vagina? and
b) Do you want to be in charge of it?

If you said 'yes' to both, then congratulations! You're a feminist.
- Caitlin Moran
How to Be a Woman
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
I think part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids.
- Stephen King
Christine
Topic: Funny
The Destiny of Man is to unite, not to divide. If you keep on dividing you end up as a collection of monkeys throwing nuts at each other out of separate trees.
- T.H. White
The Once and Future King
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I had a dream about you. You were an escalator, and I was a flight of stairs. You thought I was a Luddite, and I thought I was as ostrich, because I hadn’t figured out how to put the fly in flight. One day you broke down, and then you saw that you and I weren’t so different after all.
- Dora J. Arod
I Had a Dream About You
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Life, Relationships
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.
- Tina Fey
Bossypants
Topic: Funny
Leo,” Hazel gasped, “I can’t—my arms—”
“Hazel,” he said. “Do you trust me?”
“No!”
“Me neither,” Leo admitted.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Hazel!” he yelled. “That box! Open it!”
She hesitated, then saw the box he meant. Te label read WARNING. DO NOT OPEN.
“Open it!” Leo yelled again.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Why do all your brilliant ideas involve felonies?
- Kathy Reichs
Virals
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.
- Peter De Vries
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems
- Matt Groening
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
- Benjamin Brewster
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
‎No people whose word for 'yesterday' is the same as their word for 'tomorrow' can be said to have a firm grip on the time.
- Salman Rushdie
Midnight’s Children
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
You like them," I realized.
Noah's eyebrows lifted in question.
"Like as people."
"As opposed to...furniture?"
"They're my PARENTS."
"That is my understanding, yes.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Evolution of Mara Dyer
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Ayame: "Yuki, let's deepen the bond between us brothers!"
Yuki: "Before you can do that I'll drown you in the deepest part of that lake."
Ayame: "As long as we spend time together."
Yuki: "On second thought, go drown yourself.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Oh for craps sake. You're not dying again, are you? It's seriously inconvenient when you do that." -Aphrodite
- P.C. Cast
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Once, when a religionist denounced me in unmeasured terms, I sent him a card saying, "I am sure you believe that I will go to hell when I die, and that once there I will suffer all the pains and tortures the sadistic ingenuity of your deity can devise and that this torture will continue forever. Isn't that enough for you? Do you have to call me bad names in addition?
- Isaac Asimov
I. Asimov: A Memoir
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Religion
I’d heard you were dead.”
"I heard you wear a red lace corset,” I said matter-of-factly. “But I don’t believe every bit of nonsense that gets rumored about.
- Patrick Rothfuss
The Wise Man's Fear
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
A tiger only needs three things to be comfortable. Lots of food, sleep, and…actually, no it’s just those two things.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
And you're blind?"
Uh-huh," Iggy said, trying to sound bored.
Were you born that way?"
No."
How did you become blind, uh, Jeff, is it?"
Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened.
- James Patterson
School's Out—Forever
Topic: Funny
An alcoholic is someone you don't like, who drinks as much as you do.
- Dylan Thomas
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Jesus Christ, will you quit dictating this conversation to Hannah?' I grumble. 'Bros before hos, dude.'
'Call my girlfriend a ho one more time and you won't have a bro.
- Elle Kennedy
The Mistake
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
No' is a magical word," he told her. "Here's how it goes. You say, 'Simon, I have an insane, suicidal plan. Would you like to help me carry it out?' And I say, "Why, no.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
No brain at all, some of them [people], only grey fluff that's blown into their heads by mistake, and they don't Think.
- A.A. Milne
The House at Pooh Corner
Topic: Funny
Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Very Good, Jeeves!
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
But, of course, you might be asking yourself, 'Am I a feminist? I might not be. I don't know! I still don't know what it is! I'm too knackered and confused to work it out. That curtain pole really still isn't up! I don't have time to work out if I am a women's libber! There seems to be a lot to it. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?'
I understand.
So here is the quick way of working out if you're a feminist. Put your hand in your pants.

a) Do you have a vagina? and
b) Do you want to be in charge of it?

If you said 'yes' to both, then congratulations! You're a feminist.
- Caitlin Moran
How to Be a Woman
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
I think part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids.
- Stephen King
Christine
Topic: Funny
The Destiny of Man is to unite, not to divide. If you keep on dividing you end up as a collection of monkeys throwing nuts at each other out of separate trees.
- T.H. White
The Once and Future King
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I had a dream about you. You were an escalator, and I was a flight of stairs. You thought I was a Luddite, and I thought I was as ostrich, because I hadn’t figured out how to put the fly in flight. One day you broke down, and then you saw that you and I weren’t so different after all.
- Dora J. Arod
I Had a Dream About You
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Life, Relationships
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.
- Tina Fey
Bossypants
Topic: Funny
Leo,” Hazel gasped, “I can’t—my arms—”
“Hazel,” he said. “Do you trust me?”
“No!”
“Me neither,” Leo admitted.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Hazel!” he yelled. “That box! Open it!”
She hesitated, then saw the box he meant. Te label read WARNING. DO NOT OPEN.
“Open it!” Leo yelled again.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Why do all your brilliant ideas involve felonies?
- Kathy Reichs
Virals
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.
- Peter De Vries
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems
- Matt Groening
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
- Benjamin Brewster
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
‎No people whose word for 'yesterday' is the same as their word for 'tomorrow' can be said to have a firm grip on the time.
- Salman Rushdie
Midnight’s Children
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
You like them," I realized.
Noah's eyebrows lifted in question.
"Like as people."
"As opposed to...furniture?"
"They're my PARENTS."
"That is my understanding, yes.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Evolution of Mara Dyer
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Ayame: "Yuki, let's deepen the bond between us brothers!"
Yuki: "Before you can do that I'll drown you in the deepest part of that lake."
Ayame: "As long as we spend time together."
Yuki: "On second thought, go drown yourself.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Oh for craps sake. You're not dying again, are you? It's seriously inconvenient when you do that." -Aphrodite
- P.C. Cast
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Once, when a religionist denounced me in unmeasured terms, I sent him a card saying, "I am sure you believe that I will go to hell when I die, and that once there I will suffer all the pains and tortures the sadistic ingenuity of your deity can devise and that this torture will continue forever. Isn't that enough for you? Do you have to call me bad names in addition?
- Isaac Asimov
I. Asimov: A Memoir
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Religion
I’d heard you were dead.”
"I heard you wear a red lace corset,” I said matter-of-factly. “But I don’t believe every bit of nonsense that gets rumored about.
- Patrick Rothfuss
The Wise Man's Fear
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
A tiger only needs three things to be comfortable. Lots of food, sleep, and…actually, no it’s just those two things.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
And you're blind?"
Uh-huh," Iggy said, trying to sound bored.
Were you born that way?"
No."
How did you become blind, uh, Jeff, is it?"
Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened.
- James Patterson
School's Out—Forever
Topic: Funny
An alcoholic is someone you don't like, who drinks as much as you do.
- Dylan Thomas
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Jesus Christ, will you quit dictating this conversation to Hannah?' I grumble. 'Bros before hos, dude.'
'Call my girlfriend a ho one more time and you won't have a bro.
- Elle Kennedy
The Mistake
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
No' is a magical word," he told her. "Here's how it goes. You say, 'Simon, I have an insane, suicidal plan. Would you like to help me carry it out?' And I say, "Why, no.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
No brain at all, some of them [people], only grey fluff that's blown into their heads by mistake, and they don't Think.
- A.A. Milne
The House at Pooh Corner
Topic: Funny
Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Very Good, Jeeves!
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
But, of course, you might be asking yourself, 'Am I a feminist? I might not be. I don't know! I still don't know what it is! I'm too knackered and confused to work it out. That curtain pole really still isn't up! I don't have time to work out if I am a women's libber! There seems to be a lot to it. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?'
I understand.
So here is the quick way of working out if you're a feminist. Put your hand in your pants.

a) Do you have a vagina? and
b) Do you want to be in charge of it?

If you said 'yes' to both, then congratulations! You're a feminist.
- Caitlin Moran
How to Be a Woman
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
I think part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids.
- Stephen King
Christine
Topic: Funny
The Destiny of Man is to unite, not to divide. If you keep on dividing you end up as a collection of monkeys throwing nuts at each other out of separate trees.
- T.H. White
The Once and Future King
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I had a dream about you. You were an escalator, and I was a flight of stairs. You thought I was a Luddite, and I thought I was as ostrich, because I hadn’t figured out how to put the fly in flight. One day you broke down, and then you saw that you and I weren’t so different after all.
- Dora J. Arod
I Had a Dream About You
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Life, Relationships
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.
- Tina Fey
Bossypants
Topic: Funny
Leo,” Hazel gasped, “I can’t—my arms—”
“Hazel,” he said. “Do you trust me?”
“No!”
“Me neither,” Leo admitted.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Hazel!” he yelled. “That box! Open it!”
She hesitated, then saw the box he meant. Te label read WARNING. DO NOT OPEN.
“Open it!” Leo yelled again.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Why do all your brilliant ideas involve felonies?
- Kathy Reichs
Virals
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.
- Peter De Vries
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems
- Matt Groening
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
- Benjamin Brewster
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
‎No people whose word for 'yesterday' is the same as their word for 'tomorrow' can be said to have a firm grip on the time.
- Salman Rushdie
Midnight’s Children
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
You like them," I realized.
Noah's eyebrows lifted in question.
"Like as people."
"As opposed to...furniture?"
"They're my PARENTS."
"That is my understanding, yes.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Evolution of Mara Dyer
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Ayame: "Yuki, let's deepen the bond between us brothers!"
Yuki: "Before you can do that I'll drown you in the deepest part of that lake."
Ayame: "As long as we spend time together."
Yuki: "On second thought, go drown yourself.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Oh for craps sake. You're not dying again, are you? It's seriously inconvenient when you do that." -Aphrodite
- P.C. Cast
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Once, when a religionist denounced me in unmeasured terms, I sent him a card saying, "I am sure you believe that I will go to hell when I die, and that once there I will suffer all the pains and tortures the sadistic ingenuity of your deity can devise and that this torture will continue forever. Isn't that enough for you? Do you have to call me bad names in addition?
- Isaac Asimov
I. Asimov: A Memoir
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Religion
I’d heard you were dead.”
"I heard you wear a red lace corset,” I said matter-of-factly. “But I don’t believe every bit of nonsense that gets rumored about.
- Patrick Rothfuss
The Wise Man's Fear
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
A tiger only needs three things to be comfortable. Lots of food, sleep, and…actually, no it’s just those two things.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
And you're blind?"
Uh-huh," Iggy said, trying to sound bored.
Were you born that way?"
No."
How did you become blind, uh, Jeff, is it?"
Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened.
- James Patterson
School's Out—Forever
Topic: Funny
An alcoholic is someone you don't like, who drinks as much as you do.
- Dylan Thomas
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Jesus Christ, will you quit dictating this conversation to Hannah?' I grumble. 'Bros before hos, dude.'
'Call my girlfriend a ho one more time and you won't have a bro.
- Elle Kennedy
The Mistake
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
No' is a magical word," he told her. "Here's how it goes. You say, 'Simon, I have an insane, suicidal plan. Would you like to help me carry it out?' And I say, "Why, no.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
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130
131
132
133
134
 		...