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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I win!
Calvin: You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mindmeld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I knew you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Oh! Aarg!
[Calvin runs in circles around Hobbes screaming "Aaaaaaaaaaaa", then falls over.]
Hobbes: Look, it's just a game.
Calvin: I know! You should see me when I lose in real life!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No brain at all, some of them [people], only grey fluff that's blown into their heads by mistake, and they don't Think.
- A.A. Milne
The House at Pooh Corner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Very Good, Jeeves!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
But, of course, you might be asking yourself, 'Am I a feminist? I might not be. I don't know! I still don't know what it is! I'm too knackered and confused to work it out. That curtain pole really still isn't up! I don't have time to work out if I am a women's libber! There seems to be a lot to it. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?'
I understand.
So here is the quick way of working out if you're a feminist. Put your hand in your pants.

a) Do you have a vagina? and
b) Do you want to be in charge of it?

If you said 'yes' to both, then congratulations! You're a feminist.
- Caitlin Moran
How to Be a Woman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids.
- Stephen King
Christine
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Destiny of Man is to unite, not to divide. If you keep on dividing you end up as a collection of monkeys throwing nuts at each other out of separate trees.
- T.H. White
The Once and Future King
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I had a dream about you. You were an escalator, and I was a flight of stairs. You thought I was a Luddite, and I thought I was as ostrich, because I hadn’t figured out how to put the fly in flight. One day you broke down, and then you saw that you and I weren’t so different after all.
- Dora J. Arod
I Had a Dream About You
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.
- Tina Fey
Bossypants
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Leo,” Hazel gasped, “I can’t—my arms—”
“Hazel,” he said. “Do you trust me?”
“No!”
“Me neither,” Leo admitted.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hazel!” he yelled. “That box! Open it!”
She hesitated, then saw the box he meant. Te label read WARNING. DO NOT OPEN.
“Open it!” Leo yelled again.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why do all your brilliant ideas involve felonies?
- Kathy Reichs
Virals
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.
- Peter De Vries
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems
- Matt Groening
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
- Benjamin Brewster
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
‎No people whose word for 'yesterday' is the same as their word for 'tomorrow' can be said to have a firm grip on the time.
- Salman Rushdie
Midnight’s Children
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You like them," I realized.
Noah's eyebrows lifted in question.
"Like as people."
"As opposed to...furniture?"
"They're my PARENTS."
"That is my understanding, yes.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Evolution of Mara Dyer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ayame: "Yuki, let's deepen the bond between us brothers!"
Yuki: "Before you can do that I'll drown you in the deepest part of that lake."
Ayame: "As long as we spend time together."
Yuki: "On second thought, go drown yourself.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh for craps sake. You're not dying again, are you? It's seriously inconvenient when you do that." -Aphrodite
- P.C. Cast
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Once, when a religionist denounced me in unmeasured terms, I sent him a card saying, "I am sure you believe that I will go to hell when I die, and that once there I will suffer all the pains and tortures the sadistic ingenuity of your deity can devise and that this torture will continue forever. Isn't that enough for you? Do you have to call me bad names in addition?
- Isaac Asimov
I. Asimov: A Memoir
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’d heard you were dead.”
"I heard you wear a red lace corset,” I said matter-of-factly. “But I don’t believe every bit of nonsense that gets rumored about.
- Patrick Rothfuss
The Wise Man's Fear
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think you learn more if you're laughing at the same time.
- Mary Ann Shaffer & Annie Barrows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A tiger only needs three things to be comfortable. Lots of food, sleep, and…actually, no it’s just those two things.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And you're blind?"
Uh-huh," Iggy said, trying to sound bored.
Were you born that way?"
No."
How did you become blind, uh, Jeff, is it?"
Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened.
- James Patterson
School's Out—Forever
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An alcoholic is someone you don't like, who drinks as much as you do.
- Dylan Thomas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I win!
Calvin: You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mindmeld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I knew you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Oh! Aarg!
[Calvin runs in circles around Hobbes screaming "Aaaaaaaaaaaa", then falls over.]
Hobbes: Look, it's just a game.
Calvin: I know! You should see me when I lose in real life!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No brain at all, some of them [people], only grey fluff that's blown into their heads by mistake, and they don't Think.
- A.A. Milne
The House at Pooh Corner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Very Good, Jeeves!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
But, of course, you might be asking yourself, 'Am I a feminist? I might not be. I don't know! I still don't know what it is! I'm too knackered and confused to work it out. That curtain pole really still isn't up! I don't have time to work out if I am a women's libber! There seems to be a lot to it. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?'
I understand.
So here is the quick way of working out if you're a feminist. Put your hand in your pants.

a) Do you have a vagina? and
b) Do you want to be in charge of it?

If you said 'yes' to both, then congratulations! You're a feminist.
- Caitlin Moran
How to Be a Woman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids.
- Stephen King
Christine
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Destiny of Man is to unite, not to divide. If you keep on dividing you end up as a collection of monkeys throwing nuts at each other out of separate trees.
- T.H. White
The Once and Future King
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I had a dream about you. You were an escalator, and I was a flight of stairs. You thought I was a Luddite, and I thought I was as ostrich, because I hadn’t figured out how to put the fly in flight. One day you broke down, and then you saw that you and I weren’t so different after all.
- Dora J. Arod
I Had a Dream About You
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.
- Tina Fey
Bossypants
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Leo,” Hazel gasped, “I can’t—my arms—”
“Hazel,” he said. “Do you trust me?”
“No!”
“Me neither,” Leo admitted.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hazel!” he yelled. “That box! Open it!”
She hesitated, then saw the box he meant. Te label read WARNING. DO NOT OPEN.
“Open it!” Leo yelled again.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why do all your brilliant ideas involve felonies?
- Kathy Reichs
Virals
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.
- Peter De Vries
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems
- Matt Groening
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
- Benjamin Brewster
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
‎No people whose word for 'yesterday' is the same as their word for 'tomorrow' can be said to have a firm grip on the time.
- Salman Rushdie
Midnight’s Children
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You like them," I realized.
Noah's eyebrows lifted in question.
"Like as people."
"As opposed to...furniture?"
"They're my PARENTS."
"That is my understanding, yes.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Evolution of Mara Dyer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ayame: "Yuki, let's deepen the bond between us brothers!"
Yuki: "Before you can do that I'll drown you in the deepest part of that lake."
Ayame: "As long as we spend time together."
Yuki: "On second thought, go drown yourself.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh for craps sake. You're not dying again, are you? It's seriously inconvenient when you do that." -Aphrodite
- P.C. Cast
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Once, when a religionist denounced me in unmeasured terms, I sent him a card saying, "I am sure you believe that I will go to hell when I die, and that once there I will suffer all the pains and tortures the sadistic ingenuity of your deity can devise and that this torture will continue forever. Isn't that enough for you? Do you have to call me bad names in addition?
- Isaac Asimov
I. Asimov: A Memoir
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’d heard you were dead.”
"I heard you wear a red lace corset,” I said matter-of-factly. “But I don’t believe every bit of nonsense that gets rumored about.
- Patrick Rothfuss
The Wise Man's Fear
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think you learn more if you're laughing at the same time.
- Mary Ann Shaffer & Annie Barrows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A tiger only needs three things to be comfortable. Lots of food, sleep, and…actually, no it’s just those two things.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And you're blind?"
Uh-huh," Iggy said, trying to sound bored.
Were you born that way?"
No."
How did you become blind, uh, Jeff, is it?"
Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened.
- James Patterson
School's Out—Forever
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An alcoholic is someone you don't like, who drinks as much as you do.
- Dylan Thomas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I win!
Calvin: You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mindmeld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I knew you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Oh! Aarg!
[Calvin runs in circles around Hobbes screaming "Aaaaaaaaaaaa", then falls over.]
Hobbes: Look, it's just a game.
Calvin: I know! You should see me when I lose in real life!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No brain at all, some of them [people], only grey fluff that's blown into their heads by mistake, and they don't Think.
- A.A. Milne
The House at Pooh Corner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Very Good, Jeeves!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
But, of course, you might be asking yourself, 'Am I a feminist? I might not be. I don't know! I still don't know what it is! I'm too knackered and confused to work it out. That curtain pole really still isn't up! I don't have time to work out if I am a women's libber! There seems to be a lot to it. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?'
I understand.
So here is the quick way of working out if you're a feminist. Put your hand in your pants.

a) Do you have a vagina? and
b) Do you want to be in charge of it?

If you said 'yes' to both, then congratulations! You're a feminist.
- Caitlin Moran
How to Be a Woman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids.
- Stephen King
Christine
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Destiny of Man is to unite, not to divide. If you keep on dividing you end up as a collection of monkeys throwing nuts at each other out of separate trees.
- T.H. White
The Once and Future King
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I had a dream about you. You were an escalator, and I was a flight of stairs. You thought I was a Luddite, and I thought I was as ostrich, because I hadn’t figured out how to put the fly in flight. One day you broke down, and then you saw that you and I weren’t so different after all.
- Dora J. Arod
I Had a Dream About You
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.
- Tina Fey
Bossypants
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Leo,” Hazel gasped, “I can’t—my arms—”
“Hazel,” he said. “Do you trust me?”
“No!”
“Me neither,” Leo admitted.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hazel!” he yelled. “That box! Open it!”
She hesitated, then saw the box he meant. Te label read WARNING. DO NOT OPEN.
“Open it!” Leo yelled again.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why do all your brilliant ideas involve felonies?
- Kathy Reichs
Virals
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.
- Peter De Vries
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems
- Matt Groening
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
- Benjamin Brewster
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
‎No people whose word for 'yesterday' is the same as their word for 'tomorrow' can be said to have a firm grip on the time.
- Salman Rushdie
Midnight’s Children
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You like them," I realized.
Noah's eyebrows lifted in question.
"Like as people."
"As opposed to...furniture?"
"They're my PARENTS."
"That is my understanding, yes.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Evolution of Mara Dyer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ayame: "Yuki, let's deepen the bond between us brothers!"
Yuki: "Before you can do that I'll drown you in the deepest part of that lake."
Ayame: "As long as we spend time together."
Yuki: "On second thought, go drown yourself.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh for craps sake. You're not dying again, are you? It's seriously inconvenient when you do that." -Aphrodite
- P.C. Cast
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Once, when a religionist denounced me in unmeasured terms, I sent him a card saying, "I am sure you believe that I will go to hell when I die, and that once there I will suffer all the pains and tortures the sadistic ingenuity of your deity can devise and that this torture will continue forever. Isn't that enough for you? Do you have to call me bad names in addition?
- Isaac Asimov
I. Asimov: A Memoir
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’d heard you were dead.”
"I heard you wear a red lace corset,” I said matter-of-factly. “But I don’t believe every bit of nonsense that gets rumored about.
- Patrick Rothfuss
The Wise Man's Fear
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think you learn more if you're laughing at the same time.
- Mary Ann Shaffer & Annie Barrows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A tiger only needs three things to be comfortable. Lots of food, sleep, and…actually, no it’s just those two things.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And you're blind?"
Uh-huh," Iggy said, trying to sound bored.
Were you born that way?"
No."
How did you become blind, uh, Jeff, is it?"
Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened.
- James Patterson
School's Out—Forever
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An alcoholic is someone you don't like, who drinks as much as you do.
- Dylan Thomas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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131
132
133
134
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