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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
I've never stunned anyone except in our D.A. lessons," said Luna, sounding mildly interested. "That was noisier than I thought it would be.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Topic: Funny
Is there any point asking what you're going to make me do on Sunday?'
'Not really.'
Okay. 'Is there any point asking what you're going to do to me?'
He grinned wickedly. 'Not really.'
Fabulous. 'Does it involve the use of a safe word?'
'That will depend entirely on you.' Noah moved impossibly closer, just inches away. A few freckles disappeared into the scruff on his jaw. 'I'll be gentle,' Noah added. My breath caught in my throat as he looked at me from beneath those lashes, ruining me.
I narrowed my eyes at him. 'You're evil.'
In response, Noah smiled, and raised his finger to gently tap the tip of my nose. 'And you're mine,' he said, then walked away.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I wasn't fooled. He was avoiding looking at me. "There's nothing to talk about."
"I knew you'd say that. Actually, it was a toss-up between that and 'I don't know what you're talking about.'"
Dimitri sighed.
- Richelle Mead
Last Sacrifice
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Number of empty Ben & Jerry's containers: 3 -- two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I have been stabbed, shot, burned, bitten, beaten unconscious too many times to count, and even staked. None of those held a candle to the pain I felt at seeing his mouth on hers.
- Jeaniene Frost
One Foot in the Grave
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Now what happens?" asked the man in black.
"We face each other as God intended," Fezzik said. "No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone."
"You mean you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try to kill each other like civilized people, is that it?
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Do not do that again," he said stiffly.
"Don't kiss me back then," I retorted.
He stared at me for what seemed like forever. "I don't give 'Zen lessons' to hear myself talk. I don't give them because you're another student. I'm doing this to teach you control."
"You're doing a great job," I said bitterly.
- Richelle Mead
Frostbite
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.
- Bill Watterson
The Essential Calvin and Hobbes
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Margaret Atwood, the Canadian novelist, once asked a group of women at a university why they felt threatened by men. The women said they were afraid of being beaten, raped, or killed by men. She then asked a group of men why they felt threatened by women. They said they were afraid women would laugh at them.
- Molly Ivins
Molly Ivins Can't Say That, Can She?
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
And, whoa!" He turned to Mr.D. "Your the wine dude? No way!"
Mr.D turned hi eyes away from me and gave Nico a look of loathing. "The wine dude?"
"Dionysus, right? Oh, wow! I've got your figurine!"
"My figurine."
"In my game, Mythomagic. And holofoil card, too! And even though you've only got like five hundred attack points and everybody thinks your the lamest god card, I totally think your powers are sweet!"
"Ah." Mr.D seemed truly perplexed, which probably saved my life. "Well, that's...gratifying.
- Rick Riordan
The Titan’s Curse
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Akhlys lunged at Percy, and for a split second he thought: Well, hey, I’m just smoke. She can’t touch me, right?
He imagined the Fates up in Olympus, laughing at his wishful thinking: LOL, NOOB!
- Rick Riordan
The House of Hades
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.
- Hermann Hesse
Steppenwolf
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Wear that scarf," he said, pointing to a blue cashmere scarf hanging on a peg. "It matches your eyes."
Alec looked at it. Suddenly he was filled with hate - for the scarf, for Magnus, and most of all for himself. "Don't tell me," he said. "The scarf's a hundred years old, and it was given to you by Queen Victoria right before she died, for special services to the Crown or something."
Magnus sat up. "What's gotten into you?"
Alec stared at him. "Am I the newest thing in this apartment?"
"I think that honor goes to Chairman Meow. He's only two."
"I said newest, not youngest," Alec snapped.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The only French word I know is oui, which means “yes,” and only recently did I learn it’s spelled o-​u-​i and not w-​e-​e.
- Stephanie Perkins
Anna and the French Kiss
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism.
- Jess C Scott
EyeLeash: A Blog Novel
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Life, Relationships
Can't you just like a girl who likes you back?'
'None of them likes me back. I may as well like the one I really want.
- Rainbow Rowell
Eleanor & Park
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Arthur blinked at the screens and felt he was missing something important. Suddenly he realized what it was.

"Is there any tea on this spaceship?" he asked.
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Topic: Funny
A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.
- Mary Karr
The Liars' Club
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
- Drew Carey
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Life
I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken!
- Chuck Palahniuk
Fight Club
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
You're Valentine's son. I'm sure you're the one the Queen really wants to see. Besides, you're charming. Maybe not at the moment.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
I've never stunned anyone except in our D.A. lessons," said Luna, sounding mildly interested. "That was noisier than I thought it would be.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Topic: Funny
Is there any point asking what you're going to make me do on Sunday?'
'Not really.'
Okay. 'Is there any point asking what you're going to do to me?'
He grinned wickedly. 'Not really.'
Fabulous. 'Does it involve the use of a safe word?'
'That will depend entirely on you.' Noah moved impossibly closer, just inches away. A few freckles disappeared into the scruff on his jaw. 'I'll be gentle,' Noah added. My breath caught in my throat as he looked at me from beneath those lashes, ruining me.
I narrowed my eyes at him. 'You're evil.'
In response, Noah smiled, and raised his finger to gently tap the tip of my nose. 'And you're mine,' he said, then walked away.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I wasn't fooled. He was avoiding looking at me. "There's nothing to talk about."
"I knew you'd say that. Actually, it was a toss-up between that and 'I don't know what you're talking about.'"
Dimitri sighed.
- Richelle Mead
Last Sacrifice
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Number of empty Ben & Jerry's containers: 3 -- two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I have been stabbed, shot, burned, bitten, beaten unconscious too many times to count, and even staked. None of those held a candle to the pain I felt at seeing his mouth on hers.
- Jeaniene Frost
One Foot in the Grave
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Now what happens?" asked the man in black.
"We face each other as God intended," Fezzik said. "No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone."
"You mean you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try to kill each other like civilized people, is that it?
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Do not do that again," he said stiffly.
"Don't kiss me back then," I retorted.
He stared at me for what seemed like forever. "I don't give 'Zen lessons' to hear myself talk. I don't give them because you're another student. I'm doing this to teach you control."
"You're doing a great job," I said bitterly.
- Richelle Mead
Frostbite
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.
- Bill Watterson
The Essential Calvin and Hobbes
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Margaret Atwood, the Canadian novelist, once asked a group of women at a university why they felt threatened by men. The women said they were afraid of being beaten, raped, or killed by men. She then asked a group of men why they felt threatened by women. They said they were afraid women would laugh at them.
- Molly Ivins
Molly Ivins Can't Say That, Can She?
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
And, whoa!" He turned to Mr.D. "Your the wine dude? No way!"
Mr.D turned hi eyes away from me and gave Nico a look of loathing. "The wine dude?"
"Dionysus, right? Oh, wow! I've got your figurine!"
"My figurine."
"In my game, Mythomagic. And holofoil card, too! And even though you've only got like five hundred attack points and everybody thinks your the lamest god card, I totally think your powers are sweet!"
"Ah." Mr.D seemed truly perplexed, which probably saved my life. "Well, that's...gratifying.
- Rick Riordan
The Titan’s Curse
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Akhlys lunged at Percy, and for a split second he thought: Well, hey, I’m just smoke. She can’t touch me, right?
He imagined the Fates up in Olympus, laughing at his wishful thinking: LOL, NOOB!
- Rick Riordan
The House of Hades
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.
- Hermann Hesse
Steppenwolf
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Wear that scarf," he said, pointing to a blue cashmere scarf hanging on a peg. "It matches your eyes."
Alec looked at it. Suddenly he was filled with hate - for the scarf, for Magnus, and most of all for himself. "Don't tell me," he said. "The scarf's a hundred years old, and it was given to you by Queen Victoria right before she died, for special services to the Crown or something."
Magnus sat up. "What's gotten into you?"
Alec stared at him. "Am I the newest thing in this apartment?"
"I think that honor goes to Chairman Meow. He's only two."
"I said newest, not youngest," Alec snapped.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The only French word I know is oui, which means “yes,” and only recently did I learn it’s spelled o-​u-​i and not w-​e-​e.
- Stephanie Perkins
Anna and the French Kiss
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism.
- Jess C Scott
EyeLeash: A Blog Novel
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Life, Relationships
Can't you just like a girl who likes you back?'
'None of them likes me back. I may as well like the one I really want.
- Rainbow Rowell
Eleanor & Park
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Arthur blinked at the screens and felt he was missing something important. Suddenly he realized what it was.

"Is there any tea on this spaceship?" he asked.
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Topic: Funny
A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.
- Mary Karr
The Liars' Club
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
- Drew Carey
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Life
I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken!
- Chuck Palahniuk
Fight Club
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
You're Valentine's son. I'm sure you're the one the Queen really wants to see. Besides, you're charming. Maybe not at the moment.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
I've never stunned anyone except in our D.A. lessons," said Luna, sounding mildly interested. "That was noisier than I thought it would be.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Topic: Funny
Is there any point asking what you're going to make me do on Sunday?'
'Not really.'
Okay. 'Is there any point asking what you're going to do to me?'
He grinned wickedly. 'Not really.'
Fabulous. 'Does it involve the use of a safe word?'
'That will depend entirely on you.' Noah moved impossibly closer, just inches away. A few freckles disappeared into the scruff on his jaw. 'I'll be gentle,' Noah added. My breath caught in my throat as he looked at me from beneath those lashes, ruining me.
I narrowed my eyes at him. 'You're evil.'
In response, Noah smiled, and raised his finger to gently tap the tip of my nose. 'And you're mine,' he said, then walked away.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I wasn't fooled. He was avoiding looking at me. "There's nothing to talk about."
"I knew you'd say that. Actually, it was a toss-up between that and 'I don't know what you're talking about.'"
Dimitri sighed.
- Richelle Mead
Last Sacrifice
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Number of empty Ben & Jerry's containers: 3 -- two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I have been stabbed, shot, burned, bitten, beaten unconscious too many times to count, and even staked. None of those held a candle to the pain I felt at seeing his mouth on hers.
- Jeaniene Frost
One Foot in the Grave
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Now what happens?" asked the man in black.
"We face each other as God intended," Fezzik said. "No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone."
"You mean you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try to kill each other like civilized people, is that it?
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Do not do that again," he said stiffly.
"Don't kiss me back then," I retorted.
He stared at me for what seemed like forever. "I don't give 'Zen lessons' to hear myself talk. I don't give them because you're another student. I'm doing this to teach you control."
"You're doing a great job," I said bitterly.
- Richelle Mead
Frostbite
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.
- Bill Watterson
The Essential Calvin and Hobbes
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Margaret Atwood, the Canadian novelist, once asked a group of women at a university why they felt threatened by men. The women said they were afraid of being beaten, raped, or killed by men. She then asked a group of men why they felt threatened by women. They said they were afraid women would laugh at them.
- Molly Ivins
Molly Ivins Can't Say That, Can She?
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
And, whoa!" He turned to Mr.D. "Your the wine dude? No way!"
Mr.D turned hi eyes away from me and gave Nico a look of loathing. "The wine dude?"
"Dionysus, right? Oh, wow! I've got your figurine!"
"My figurine."
"In my game, Mythomagic. And holofoil card, too! And even though you've only got like five hundred attack points and everybody thinks your the lamest god card, I totally think your powers are sweet!"
"Ah." Mr.D seemed truly perplexed, which probably saved my life. "Well, that's...gratifying.
- Rick Riordan
The Titan’s Curse
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Akhlys lunged at Percy, and for a split second he thought: Well, hey, I’m just smoke. She can’t touch me, right?
He imagined the Fates up in Olympus, laughing at his wishful thinking: LOL, NOOB!
- Rick Riordan
The House of Hades
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.
- Hermann Hesse
Steppenwolf
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Wear that scarf," he said, pointing to a blue cashmere scarf hanging on a peg. "It matches your eyes."
Alec looked at it. Suddenly he was filled with hate - for the scarf, for Magnus, and most of all for himself. "Don't tell me," he said. "The scarf's a hundred years old, and it was given to you by Queen Victoria right before she died, for special services to the Crown or something."
Magnus sat up. "What's gotten into you?"
Alec stared at him. "Am I the newest thing in this apartment?"
"I think that honor goes to Chairman Meow. He's only two."
"I said newest, not youngest," Alec snapped.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The only French word I know is oui, which means “yes,” and only recently did I learn it’s spelled o-​u-​i and not w-​e-​e.
- Stephanie Perkins
Anna and the French Kiss
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism.
- Jess C Scott
EyeLeash: A Blog Novel
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Life, Relationships
Can't you just like a girl who likes you back?'
'None of them likes me back. I may as well like the one I really want.
- Rainbow Rowell
Eleanor & Park
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Arthur blinked at the screens and felt he was missing something important. Suddenly he realized what it was.

"Is there any tea on this spaceship?" he asked.
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Topic: Funny
A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.
- Mary Karr
The Liars' Club
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
- Drew Carey
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Life
I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken!
- Chuck Palahniuk
Fight Club
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
You're Valentine's son. I'm sure you're the one the Queen really wants to see. Besides, you're charming. Maybe not at the moment.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
...
128
129
130
131
132
 		...