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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.
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Topic: Funny
He studied my appearance carefully. “You cut your hair.” “Yes. Do you like it?” “That depends. How long is it?” I pulled a curl down and showed him it ended just past my shoulder. He grunted, “That’s still long enough, so I like it.” “Long enough for what?” “Long enough for a man to run his hands through.
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Topic: Funny
That woman doesn't have the sense God gave a retarded flea.
- Nora Roberts
Black Rose
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Topic: Funny, Life
I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
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Topic: Funny
If money’s the god people worship, I’d rather go worship the devil instead.
- Jess C Scott
Rockstar
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Topic: Funny, Religion
We do need a system, and we do need you and your 'Bertos, and sometimes we need Sam to just come along and kick some ass. - Quinn
- Michael Grant
Lies
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Topic: Funny
If you're right & I'm not, I'm going to be hell to live with, she said. So, you better think about that next time you want to be right.
- Brian Andreas
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Topic: Funny, Relationships
Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
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Topic: Funny
Halt you villains! Unhand that science!
- N.D. Stevenson
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Topic: Funny
I sometimes think I prefer suitors in books rather than right in front of me. How awful, backward, cowardly, and mentally warped that will be if it turns out to be true.
- Mary Ann Shaffer
The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
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Topic: Funny
Things that try to look like things often do look more like things than things.
- Terry Pratchett
Wyrd Sisters
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Topic: Funny
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Topic: Funny
My beard grows down to my toes,
I never wears no clothes,
I wraps my hair
Around my bare,
And down the road I goes.
- Shel Silverstein
Where the Sidewalk Ends: Poems and Drawings
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Topic: Funny
An Assassin, a real Assassin, had to look like one - black clothes, hood, boots, and all. If they could wear any clothes, any disguise, then what could anyone do but spend all day in a small room with a loaded crossbow pointed at the door?
- Terry Pratchett
Night Watch
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Topic: Funny
Finding a life partner is like choosing a bed. You need one as a friend either in times of health or sickness. Freshness or weariness. Happiness or sadness. And we can be certain that we've picked the right one without having to sleep with it first.
- Isman H. Suryaman
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Topic: Funny
There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous and
shallow: Yet it was the schoolboy who said 'Faith is believing what you
know ain't so'.
- Mark Twain
Pudd'nhead Wilson
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Topic: Funny
Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can't get enough of them.
- Laurie Notaro
I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl
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Topic: Funny
Basically, all women are nurturers and healers, and all men are mental patients to varying degrees.
- Nelson DeMille
The General's Daughter
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Topic: Funny, Relationships
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
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Topic: Funny
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Topic: Funny
Tis an ill cook that cannot lick his own fingers.
- William Shakespeare
Romeo and Juliet
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Topic: Funny
Good-humor is a philosophic state of mind; it seems to say to Nature that we take her no more seriously than she takes us. I maintain that one should always talk of philosophy with a smile.
- William James
The Varieties of Religious Experience
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Topic: Funny, Philosophical
Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Topic: Funny
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
He studied my appearance carefully. “You cut your hair.” “Yes. Do you like it?” “That depends. How long is it?” I pulled a curl down and showed him it ended just past my shoulder. He grunted, “That’s still long enough, so I like it.” “Long enough for what?” “Long enough for a man to run his hands through.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
That woman doesn't have the sense God gave a retarded flea.
- Nora Roberts
Black Rose
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Life
I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
If money’s the god people worship, I’d rather go worship the devil instead.
- Jess C Scott
Rockstar
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Religion
We do need a system, and we do need you and your 'Bertos, and sometimes we need Sam to just come along and kick some ass. - Quinn
- Michael Grant
Lies
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
If you're right & I'm not, I'm going to be hell to live with, she said. So, you better think about that next time you want to be right.
- Brian Andreas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Relationships
Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Halt you villains! Unhand that science!
- N.D. Stevenson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I sometimes think I prefer suitors in books rather than right in front of me. How awful, backward, cowardly, and mentally warped that will be if it turns out to be true.
- Mary Ann Shaffer
The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Things that try to look like things often do look more like things than things.
- Terry Pratchett
Wyrd Sisters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
My beard grows down to my toes,
I never wears no clothes,
I wraps my hair
Around my bare,
And down the road I goes.
- Shel Silverstein
Where the Sidewalk Ends: Poems and Drawings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
An Assassin, a real Assassin, had to look like one - black clothes, hood, boots, and all. If they could wear any clothes, any disguise, then what could anyone do but spend all day in a small room with a loaded crossbow pointed at the door?
- Terry Pratchett
Night Watch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Finding a life partner is like choosing a bed. You need one as a friend either in times of health or sickness. Freshness or weariness. Happiness or sadness. And we can be certain that we've picked the right one without having to sleep with it first.
- Isman H. Suryaman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous and
shallow: Yet it was the schoolboy who said 'Faith is believing what you
know ain't so'.
- Mark Twain
Pudd'nhead Wilson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can't get enough of them.
- Laurie Notaro
I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Basically, all women are nurturers and healers, and all men are mental patients to varying degrees.
- Nelson DeMille
The General's Daughter
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Relationships
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Tis an ill cook that cannot lick his own fingers.
- William Shakespeare
Romeo and Juliet
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Good-humor is a philosophic state of mind; it seems to say to Nature that we take her no more seriously than she takes us. I maintain that one should always talk of philosophy with a smile.
- William James
The Varieties of Religious Experience
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
He studied my appearance carefully. “You cut your hair.” “Yes. Do you like it?” “That depends. How long is it?” I pulled a curl down and showed him it ended just past my shoulder. He grunted, “That’s still long enough, so I like it.” “Long enough for what?” “Long enough for a man to run his hands through.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
That woman doesn't have the sense God gave a retarded flea.
- Nora Roberts
Black Rose
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Life
I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
If money’s the god people worship, I’d rather go worship the devil instead.
- Jess C Scott
Rockstar
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Religion
We do need a system, and we do need you and your 'Bertos, and sometimes we need Sam to just come along and kick some ass. - Quinn
- Michael Grant
Lies
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
If you're right & I'm not, I'm going to be hell to live with, she said. So, you better think about that next time you want to be right.
- Brian Andreas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Relationships
Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Halt you villains! Unhand that science!
- N.D. Stevenson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I sometimes think I prefer suitors in books rather than right in front of me. How awful, backward, cowardly, and mentally warped that will be if it turns out to be true.
- Mary Ann Shaffer
The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Things that try to look like things often do look more like things than things.
- Terry Pratchett
Wyrd Sisters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
My beard grows down to my toes,
I never wears no clothes,
I wraps my hair
Around my bare,
And down the road I goes.
- Shel Silverstein
Where the Sidewalk Ends: Poems and Drawings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
An Assassin, a real Assassin, had to look like one - black clothes, hood, boots, and all. If they could wear any clothes, any disguise, then what could anyone do but spend all day in a small room with a loaded crossbow pointed at the door?
- Terry Pratchett
Night Watch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Finding a life partner is like choosing a bed. You need one as a friend either in times of health or sickness. Freshness or weariness. Happiness or sadness. And we can be certain that we've picked the right one without having to sleep with it first.
- Isman H. Suryaman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous and
shallow: Yet it was the schoolboy who said 'Faith is believing what you
know ain't so'.
- Mark Twain
Pudd'nhead Wilson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can't get enough of them.
- Laurie Notaro
I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Basically, all women are nurturers and healers, and all men are mental patients to varying degrees.
- Nelson DeMille
The General's Daughter
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Relationships
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Tis an ill cook that cannot lick his own fingers.
- William Shakespeare
Romeo and Juliet
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Good-humor is a philosophic state of mind; it seems to say to Nature that we take her no more seriously than she takes us. I maintain that one should always talk of philosophy with a smile.
- William James
The Varieties of Religious Experience
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
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133
134
135
136
 		...