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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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I wouldn't even consider it if I were you. But then if I were you, I would not be me, and if I were not me, I would not be able to advise you, and if I were unable to advise you, you'd do as you like, so you might as well do as you like and have done with it.
- Catherynne M. Valente
The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making
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Hey, yummy leather guy? Can you hear me? (Amanda)
- Sherrilyn Kenyon
Night Pleasures
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Having solved all the major mathematical, physical, chemical, biological, sociological, philosophical, etymological, meteorological and psychological problems of the Universe except for his own, three times over, [Marvin] was severely stuck for something to do, and had taken up composing short dolorous ditties of no tone, or indeed tune. The latest one was a lullaby.
Marvin droned,
Now the world has gone to bed,
Darkness won't engulf my head,
I can see in infrared,
How I hate the night.
He paused to gather the artistic and emotional strength to tackle the next verse.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
Try to count electric sheep,
Sweet dream wishes you can keep,
How I hate the night.
- Douglas Adams
Life, the Universe and Everything
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The problem with a life spent reading is you know too much.
- Josh Lanyon
The Dickens with Love
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The Prince found Buttercup waiting unhappily outside his chamber doors.
It's my letter,' she began. 'I cannot make it right.'
Come in, come in,' the Prince said gently. 'Maybe we can help you.' She sat down in the same chair as before. 'All right, I'll close my eyes and listen; read to me.'
Westley, my passion, my sweet, my only my own. Come back, come back. I shall kill myself otherwise. Yours in torment, Buttercup.' She looked at Humperdinck. 'Well? Do you think I'm throwing myself at him?
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
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A man's subconscious self is not the ideal companion. It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den of its own, hidden away, and emerges only to taunt and deride and increase the misery of a miserable hour.
- P.G. Wodehouse
The Adventures of Sally
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And if humanity is the last war, then I am the battlefield.
- Rick Yancey
The 5th Wave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When we were almost to the other campus, I felt the weird nausea hit me. I called a warning to Christian, just as a Strigoi grabbed him. But Christian was fast. Flames wreathed the Strigoi's head. He screamed and released Christian, trying frantically to put the flames out. The Strigoi never saw me coming with the stake. The whole thing took under a minute. Christian and I exchanged looks.

Yeah. We were badasses.
- Richelle Mead
Shadow Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Will you quit shouting and let me bleed in peace!
- Ransom Riggs
Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children
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This is the fast lane, folks...and some of us like it here.
- Hunter S. Thompson
Kingdom of Fear: Loathsome Secrets of a Star-Crossed Child in the Final Days of the American Century
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Plans are invitation to disappointment.
- Derek Landy
Mortal Coil
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
POZZO:
I am blind.
(Silence.)
ESTRAGON:
Perhaps he can see into the future.
- Samuel Beckett
Waiting for Godot
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I'll cut you in fer half the business here.
- Moira Young
Blood Red Road
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hugging my pillow to my chest, I told myself, At least soon you won't have so much time to miss him. Soon school will start again, and then you'll be busier.
Wait. Am I reduced to HOPING for school to start?
Somehow, I have discovered a whole new level of pathetic.
- Claudia Gray
Stargazer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hunters will tell you that a moose is a wily and ferocious forest creature. Nonsense. A moose is a cow drawn by a three-year-old.
- Bill Bryson
A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
But that was life: Nobody got a guided tour to their own theme park. You had to hop on the rides as they presented themselves, never knowing whether you would like the one you were in line for...or if the bastard was going to make you throw up your corn dog and your cotton candy all over the place.
- J.R. Ward
Crave
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Do you sleep naked?
- Becca Fitzpatrick
Hush, Hush
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You told me I was the best sex you'd ever had in your life...You couldn't get enough...At one point you were so loud I thought sure hotel security was going to beat down the door.
- Rachel Gibson
I'm In No Mood For Love
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I alternate between feeling sympathetic toward humanity and being a misanthrope. When I'm sympathetic, it usually means I haven't been around people in awhile.
- John R Lindensmith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A guy walks up to me and asks, "What's Punk?". So I kick over a garbage can and say. "That's punk!". So he kicks over the garbage can and says, "That's Punk?", and I say, "No that's trendy!
- Billie Joe Armstrong
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We had our breakfasts--whatever happens in a house, robbery or murder, it doesn't matter, you must have your breakfast.
- Wilkie Collins
The Moonstone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Personally, I like it much better when someone else does the decision making. That way you have legitimate grounds to whine and complain. I tend to find both whining and complaining quite interesting and amusing, though sometimes--unfortunately--it's hard to choose which one of the two I want to do.
Sigh. LIfe can be so tough sometimes.
- Brandon Sanderson
Alcatraz Versus the Scrivener's Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.
- Dave Barry
Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, But Some Actual Journalism!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I wouldn't even consider it if I were you. But then if I were you, I would not be me, and if I were not me, I would not be able to advise you, and if I were unable to advise you, you'd do as you like, so you might as well do as you like and have done with it.
- Catherynne M. Valente
The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hey, yummy leather guy? Can you hear me? (Amanda)
- Sherrilyn Kenyon
Night Pleasures
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Having solved all the major mathematical, physical, chemical, biological, sociological, philosophical, etymological, meteorological and psychological problems of the Universe except for his own, three times over, [Marvin] was severely stuck for something to do, and had taken up composing short dolorous ditties of no tone, or indeed tune. The latest one was a lullaby.
Marvin droned,
Now the world has gone to bed,
Darkness won't engulf my head,
I can see in infrared,
How I hate the night.
He paused to gather the artistic and emotional strength to tackle the next verse.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
Try to count electric sheep,
Sweet dream wishes you can keep,
How I hate the night.
- Douglas Adams
Life, the Universe and Everything
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The problem with a life spent reading is you know too much.
- Josh Lanyon
The Dickens with Love
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Prince found Buttercup waiting unhappily outside his chamber doors.
It's my letter,' she began. 'I cannot make it right.'
Come in, come in,' the Prince said gently. 'Maybe we can help you.' She sat down in the same chair as before. 'All right, I'll close my eyes and listen; read to me.'
Westley, my passion, my sweet, my only my own. Come back, come back. I shall kill myself otherwise. Yours in torment, Buttercup.' She looked at Humperdinck. 'Well? Do you think I'm throwing myself at him?
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A man's subconscious self is not the ideal companion. It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den of its own, hidden away, and emerges only to taunt and deride and increase the misery of a miserable hour.
- P.G. Wodehouse
The Adventures of Sally
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And if humanity is the last war, then I am the battlefield.
- Rick Yancey
The 5th Wave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When we were almost to the other campus, I felt the weird nausea hit me. I called a warning to Christian, just as a Strigoi grabbed him. But Christian was fast. Flames wreathed the Strigoi's head. He screamed and released Christian, trying frantically to put the flames out. The Strigoi never saw me coming with the stake. The whole thing took under a minute. Christian and I exchanged looks.

Yeah. We were badasses.
- Richelle Mead
Shadow Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Will you quit shouting and let me bleed in peace!
- Ransom Riggs
Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is the fast lane, folks...and some of us like it here.
- Hunter S. Thompson
Kingdom of Fear: Loathsome Secrets of a Star-Crossed Child in the Final Days of the American Century
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Plans are invitation to disappointment.
- Derek Landy
Mortal Coil
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
POZZO:
I am blind.
(Silence.)
ESTRAGON:
Perhaps he can see into the future.
- Samuel Beckett
Waiting for Godot
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I'll cut you in fer half the business here.
- Moira Young
Blood Red Road
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hugging my pillow to my chest, I told myself, At least soon you won't have so much time to miss him. Soon school will start again, and then you'll be busier.
Wait. Am I reduced to HOPING for school to start?
Somehow, I have discovered a whole new level of pathetic.
- Claudia Gray
Stargazer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hunters will tell you that a moose is a wily and ferocious forest creature. Nonsense. A moose is a cow drawn by a three-year-old.
- Bill Bryson
A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
But that was life: Nobody got a guided tour to their own theme park. You had to hop on the rides as they presented themselves, never knowing whether you would like the one you were in line for...or if the bastard was going to make you throw up your corn dog and your cotton candy all over the place.
- J.R. Ward
Crave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do you sleep naked?
- Becca Fitzpatrick
Hush, Hush
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You told me I was the best sex you'd ever had in your life...You couldn't get enough...At one point you were so loud I thought sure hotel security was going to beat down the door.
- Rachel Gibson
I'm In No Mood For Love
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I alternate between feeling sympathetic toward humanity and being a misanthrope. When I'm sympathetic, it usually means I haven't been around people in awhile.
- John R Lindensmith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A guy walks up to me and asks, "What's Punk?". So I kick over a garbage can and say. "That's punk!". So he kicks over the garbage can and says, "That's Punk?", and I say, "No that's trendy!
- Billie Joe Armstrong
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We had our breakfasts--whatever happens in a house, robbery or murder, it doesn't matter, you must have your breakfast.
- Wilkie Collins
The Moonstone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Personally, I like it much better when someone else does the decision making. That way you have legitimate grounds to whine and complain. I tend to find both whining and complaining quite interesting and amusing, though sometimes--unfortunately--it's hard to choose which one of the two I want to do.
Sigh. LIfe can be so tough sometimes.
- Brandon Sanderson
Alcatraz Versus the Scrivener's Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.
- Dave Barry
Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, But Some Actual Journalism!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I wouldn't even consider it if I were you. But then if I were you, I would not be me, and if I were not me, I would not be able to advise you, and if I were unable to advise you, you'd do as you like, so you might as well do as you like and have done with it.
- Catherynne M. Valente
The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hey, yummy leather guy? Can you hear me? (Amanda)
- Sherrilyn Kenyon
Night Pleasures
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Having solved all the major mathematical, physical, chemical, biological, sociological, philosophical, etymological, meteorological and psychological problems of the Universe except for his own, three times over, [Marvin] was severely stuck for something to do, and had taken up composing short dolorous ditties of no tone, or indeed tune. The latest one was a lullaby.
Marvin droned,
Now the world has gone to bed,
Darkness won't engulf my head,
I can see in infrared,
How I hate the night.
He paused to gather the artistic and emotional strength to tackle the next verse.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
Try to count electric sheep,
Sweet dream wishes you can keep,
How I hate the night.
- Douglas Adams
Life, the Universe and Everything
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The problem with a life spent reading is you know too much.
- Josh Lanyon
The Dickens with Love
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Prince found Buttercup waiting unhappily outside his chamber doors.
It's my letter,' she began. 'I cannot make it right.'
Come in, come in,' the Prince said gently. 'Maybe we can help you.' She sat down in the same chair as before. 'All right, I'll close my eyes and listen; read to me.'
Westley, my passion, my sweet, my only my own. Come back, come back. I shall kill myself otherwise. Yours in torment, Buttercup.' She looked at Humperdinck. 'Well? Do you think I'm throwing myself at him?
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A man's subconscious self is not the ideal companion. It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den of its own, hidden away, and emerges only to taunt and deride and increase the misery of a miserable hour.
- P.G. Wodehouse
The Adventures of Sally
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And if humanity is the last war, then I am the battlefield.
- Rick Yancey
The 5th Wave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When we were almost to the other campus, I felt the weird nausea hit me. I called a warning to Christian, just as a Strigoi grabbed him. But Christian was fast. Flames wreathed the Strigoi's head. He screamed and released Christian, trying frantically to put the flames out. The Strigoi never saw me coming with the stake. The whole thing took under a minute. Christian and I exchanged looks.

Yeah. We were badasses.
- Richelle Mead
Shadow Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Will you quit shouting and let me bleed in peace!
- Ransom Riggs
Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is the fast lane, folks...and some of us like it here.
- Hunter S. Thompson
Kingdom of Fear: Loathsome Secrets of a Star-Crossed Child in the Final Days of the American Century
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Plans are invitation to disappointment.
- Derek Landy
Mortal Coil
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
POZZO:
I am blind.
(Silence.)
ESTRAGON:
Perhaps he can see into the future.
- Samuel Beckett
Waiting for Godot
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I'll cut you in fer half the business here.
- Moira Young
Blood Red Road
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hugging my pillow to my chest, I told myself, At least soon you won't have so much time to miss him. Soon school will start again, and then you'll be busier.
Wait. Am I reduced to HOPING for school to start?
Somehow, I have discovered a whole new level of pathetic.
- Claudia Gray
Stargazer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hunters will tell you that a moose is a wily and ferocious forest creature. Nonsense. A moose is a cow drawn by a three-year-old.
- Bill Bryson
A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
But that was life: Nobody got a guided tour to their own theme park. You had to hop on the rides as they presented themselves, never knowing whether you would like the one you were in line for...or if the bastard was going to make you throw up your corn dog and your cotton candy all over the place.
- J.R. Ward
Crave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do you sleep naked?
- Becca Fitzpatrick
Hush, Hush
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You told me I was the best sex you'd ever had in your life...You couldn't get enough...At one point you were so loud I thought sure hotel security was going to beat down the door.
- Rachel Gibson
I'm In No Mood For Love
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I alternate between feeling sympathetic toward humanity and being a misanthrope. When I'm sympathetic, it usually means I haven't been around people in awhile.
- John R Lindensmith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A guy walks up to me and asks, "What's Punk?". So I kick over a garbage can and say. "That's punk!". So he kicks over the garbage can and says, "That's Punk?", and I say, "No that's trendy!
- Billie Joe Armstrong
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We had our breakfasts--whatever happens in a house, robbery or murder, it doesn't matter, you must have your breakfast.
- Wilkie Collins
The Moonstone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Personally, I like it much better when someone else does the decision making. That way you have legitimate grounds to whine and complain. I tend to find both whining and complaining quite interesting and amusing, though sometimes--unfortunately--it's hard to choose which one of the two I want to do.
Sigh. LIfe can be so tough sometimes.
- Brandon Sanderson
Alcatraz Versus the Scrivener's Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.
- Dave Barry
Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, But Some Actual Journalism!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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134
135
136
137
138