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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
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Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
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A cavalryman's horse should be smarter than he is. But the horse must never be alowed to know this.
- Steven Pressfield
The Virtues of War
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I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.
- Michael Summers
I Had a Dream About You
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Buttercup's mother whirled on him. 'Did you forget to pay your taxes?' (This was after taxes. But everything is after taxes. Taxes were here even before stew.)
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
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We seemed to be trapped in an episode of One Life To Waste. It's all very dull.
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Oh yes? Can you identify yourself?
-Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.
- Terry Pratchett
Maskerade
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He gave a dark chuckle. “But you’re not, so you had absolutely no qualms about kneeing me in the groin, right?”

“I hit your thigh!”

“Oh, please. A man doesn’t need that long to recover from a knee to the thigh,” he replied, his voice full of skepticism.
- Kiera Cass
The Selection
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Most helmsmen would’ve been satisfied with a pilot’s wheel or a tiller. Leo had also installed a keyboard, monitor, aviation controls from a Learjet, a dubstep soundboard, and motion-control sensors from a Nintendo Wii. He could turn the ship by pulling on the throttle, fire weapons by sampling an album, or raise sails by shaking his Wii controllers really fast. Even by demigod standards, Leo was seriously ADHD.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
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Everyone knows revenge is a dish best served when you've had enough time to build up enough vitriol and fury.
- Sophie Kinsella
Twenties Girl
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Ransom really looked at the other man for the first time, shook his head, stared again. “Holy hell, your eyes are like a fucking viper’s.”

Venom raised an eyebrow. “You have hair prettier than one of Astaad’s concubines.”

Ransom gave the vampire the finger.

Venom grinned.
- Nalini Singh
Archangel's Consort
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On the first day Coraline's family moved in, Miss Spink and Miss Forcible made a point of telling Coraline how dangerous the well was, and they warned her to be sure she kept away from it. So Coraline set off to explore for it, so that she knew where it was, to keep away from it properly.
- Neil Gaiman
Coraline
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I am a socially awkward mandork. (Nick)
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Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.
- Chelsea Handler
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I've never created a riot before. I did cause a brawl at the last formal. A large number of young women there actually arrived with the expectation of seducing me into matrimony, and a couple of their mothers came to blows. It was hilari—I mean, dreadful. Simply dreadful.
- Ilona Andrews
On the Edge
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And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before--and thus was the Empire forged.
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
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I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.
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Damien has died and gone straight to gay boy heaven,' Shaunee said...
- P.C. Cast and Kristin Cast
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I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk.
- Criss Jami
Killosophy
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Want to have a short phone call with someone? Call them at 11:55 a.m., right before lunch. They'll talk fast. You may think you are interesting, but you are not more interesting than lunch.
- Randy Pausch
The Last Lecture
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I have made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regretted
most of them, but never the potatoes that went with them.
- Nora Ephron
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A perfect person is easy to love. But when somebody likes all your imperfections, well, that's when you know they really mean it.
- Michelle Dalton
Sixteenth Summer
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Hell's holy stars and freaking stones shit bells.
- Jim Butcher
Blood Rites
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Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A cavalryman's horse should be smarter than he is. But the horse must never be alowed to know this.
- Steven Pressfield
The Virtues of War
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.
- Michael Summers
I Had a Dream About You
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Buttercup's mother whirled on him. 'Did you forget to pay your taxes?' (This was after taxes. But everything is after taxes. Taxes were here even before stew.)
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We seemed to be trapped in an episode of One Life To Waste. It's all very dull.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh yes? Can you identify yourself?
-Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.
- Terry Pratchett
Maskerade
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He gave a dark chuckle. “But you’re not, so you had absolutely no qualms about kneeing me in the groin, right?”

“I hit your thigh!”

“Oh, please. A man doesn’t need that long to recover from a knee to the thigh,” he replied, his voice full of skepticism.
- Kiera Cass
The Selection
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Most helmsmen would’ve been satisfied with a pilot’s wheel or a tiller. Leo had also installed a keyboard, monitor, aviation controls from a Learjet, a dubstep soundboard, and motion-control sensors from a Nintendo Wii. He could turn the ship by pulling on the throttle, fire weapons by sampling an album, or raise sails by shaking his Wii controllers really fast. Even by demigod standards, Leo was seriously ADHD.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everyone knows revenge is a dish best served when you've had enough time to build up enough vitriol and fury.
- Sophie Kinsella
Twenties Girl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ransom really looked at the other man for the first time, shook his head, stared again. “Holy hell, your eyes are like a fucking viper’s.”

Venom raised an eyebrow. “You have hair prettier than one of Astaad’s concubines.”

Ransom gave the vampire the finger.

Venom grinned.
- Nalini Singh
Archangel's Consort
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
On the first day Coraline's family moved in, Miss Spink and Miss Forcible made a point of telling Coraline how dangerous the well was, and they warned her to be sure she kept away from it. So Coraline set off to explore for it, so that she knew where it was, to keep away from it properly.
- Neil Gaiman
Coraline
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am a socially awkward mandork. (Nick)
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.
- Chelsea Handler
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've never created a riot before. I did cause a brawl at the last formal. A large number of young women there actually arrived with the expectation of seducing me into matrimony, and a couple of their mothers came to blows. It was hilari—I mean, dreadful. Simply dreadful.
- Ilona Andrews
On the Edge
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before--and thus was the Empire forged.
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Damien has died and gone straight to gay boy heaven,' Shaunee said...
- P.C. Cast and Kristin Cast
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk.
- Criss Jami
Killosophy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Want to have a short phone call with someone? Call them at 11:55 a.m., right before lunch. They'll talk fast. You may think you are interesting, but you are not more interesting than lunch.
- Randy Pausch
The Last Lecture
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regretted
most of them, but never the potatoes that went with them.
- Nora Ephron
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A perfect person is easy to love. But when somebody likes all your imperfections, well, that's when you know they really mean it.
- Michelle Dalton
Sixteenth Summer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hell's holy stars and freaking stones shit bells.
- Jim Butcher
Blood Rites
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A cavalryman's horse should be smarter than he is. But the horse must never be alowed to know this.
- Steven Pressfield
The Virtues of War
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.
- Michael Summers
I Had a Dream About You
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Buttercup's mother whirled on him. 'Did you forget to pay your taxes?' (This was after taxes. But everything is after taxes. Taxes were here even before stew.)
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We seemed to be trapped in an episode of One Life To Waste. It's all very dull.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh yes? Can you identify yourself?
-Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.
- Terry Pratchett
Maskerade
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He gave a dark chuckle. “But you’re not, so you had absolutely no qualms about kneeing me in the groin, right?”

“I hit your thigh!”

“Oh, please. A man doesn’t need that long to recover from a knee to the thigh,” he replied, his voice full of skepticism.
- Kiera Cass
The Selection
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Most helmsmen would’ve been satisfied with a pilot’s wheel or a tiller. Leo had also installed a keyboard, monitor, aviation controls from a Learjet, a dubstep soundboard, and motion-control sensors from a Nintendo Wii. He could turn the ship by pulling on the throttle, fire weapons by sampling an album, or raise sails by shaking his Wii controllers really fast. Even by demigod standards, Leo was seriously ADHD.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everyone knows revenge is a dish best served when you've had enough time to build up enough vitriol and fury.
- Sophie Kinsella
Twenties Girl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ransom really looked at the other man for the first time, shook his head, stared again. “Holy hell, your eyes are like a fucking viper’s.”

Venom raised an eyebrow. “You have hair prettier than one of Astaad’s concubines.”

Ransom gave the vampire the finger.

Venom grinned.
- Nalini Singh
Archangel's Consort
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
On the first day Coraline's family moved in, Miss Spink and Miss Forcible made a point of telling Coraline how dangerous the well was, and they warned her to be sure she kept away from it. So Coraline set off to explore for it, so that she knew where it was, to keep away from it properly.
- Neil Gaiman
Coraline
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am a socially awkward mandork. (Nick)
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.
- Chelsea Handler
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've never created a riot before. I did cause a brawl at the last formal. A large number of young women there actually arrived with the expectation of seducing me into matrimony, and a couple of their mothers came to blows. It was hilari—I mean, dreadful. Simply dreadful.
- Ilona Andrews
On the Edge
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before--and thus was the Empire forged.
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Damien has died and gone straight to gay boy heaven,' Shaunee said...
- P.C. Cast and Kristin Cast
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk.
- Criss Jami
Killosophy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Want to have a short phone call with someone? Call them at 11:55 a.m., right before lunch. They'll talk fast. You may think you are interesting, but you are not more interesting than lunch.
- Randy Pausch
The Last Lecture
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regretted
most of them, but never the potatoes that went with them.
- Nora Ephron
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A perfect person is easy to love. But when somebody likes all your imperfections, well, that's when you know they really mean it.
- Michelle Dalton
Sixteenth Summer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hell's holy stars and freaking stones shit bells.
- Jim Butcher
Blood Rites
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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133
134
135
136
137
 		...