TOPICS
SPEAKERS
HOME
BROWSE TOPICS
BROWSE SPEAKERS

FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
...
134
135
136
137
138
Madame Bellwings, Memoir Elf Coordinator, was not at all pleased with this request, because elves who write the memoirs of teenage girls have the habit of returning to the magical realm with atrocious grammar. They can't seem to shake the phrases "watever" and "no way," and they insert the word like into so many sentences that the other elves start slapping them...and for no apparent reason occasionally call out the name Edward Cullen.
- Janette Rallison
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
The powers of a man's mind are directly proportioned to the quantity of coffee he drinks.
- Sir James Mackintosh
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.
- Jarod Kintz
This Book Has No Title
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
If possible, try to avoid pushing each other over the edge, as that would cause me extra paperwork.
- Rick Riordan
The Lost Hero
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I hate patience. Slows everything down.
- J.D. Robb
Witness in Death
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
There are some dogs which, when you meet them, remind you that, despite thousands of years of man-made evolution, every dog is still only two meals away from being a wolf. These dogs advance deliberately, purposefully, the wilderness made flesh, their teeth yellow, their breath a-stink, while in the distance their owners witter, "He's an old soppy really, just poke him if he's a nuisance," and in the green of their eyes the red campfires of the Pleistocene gleam and flicker.
- Neil Gaiman
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I hope you feel better today. Please ring me at work if you are dead.
- Jaclyn Moriarty
Feeling Sorry for Celia
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
What's the point of being a grown-up if you don't get to be immature?
- Steven Moffat
Doctor Who: The Shooting Scripts
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
A real scientist solves problems, not wails that they are unsolvable.
- Anne McCaffrey
Acorna: The Unicorn Girl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.
- Stephen Colbert
I Am America
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
So let me get this straight. You were living in a tent in the woods, but now you're living with Prince Charming and anger management boy? SERIOUSLY?!
- Natsuki Takaya
Fruits Basket, Vol. 2
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
General fiction is pretty much about ways that people get into problems and screw their lives up. Science fiction is about everything else.
- Marvin Minsky
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Now we're going to save a bunch of dirty meatsacks from a bunch of dirty cannibals? Why don't we rescue some orphaned kittens and put food out for stray puppies while we're at it?
- Julie Kagawa
The Eternity Cure
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
It's the perfect solution. We argue all the time. We can't stand each other. It's like we're already married.
- Lisa Kleypas
Married by Morning
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
All sins are forgiven once you start making a lot of money.
- RuPaul
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Listen, street punk. You're a guy, and you're a couple inches taller, and maybe forty pounds heavier, and ooh, you're in a gang. But I've survived ten years of Catholic school, and I will cut you off at your knees without a blink. Do you understand?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
See? This is why I'm not religious. I couldn't possibly keep my mouth shut long enough to get along with everyone else.
- Jim Butcher
White Night
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Religion
The only reason there's such a thing as a morning in the first place is to keep night and afternoon from bumping into each other.
-Kheldar
- David Eddings
King of the Murgos
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Be you wise and never sad,
You will get your lovely lad.
Never serious be, nor true,
And your wish will come to you--
And if that makes you happy, kid,
You'll be the first it ever did.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Death, taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them.
- Margaret Mitchell
Gone with the Wind
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Death, Funny
Madame Bellwings, Memoir Elf Coordinator, was not at all pleased with this request, because elves who write the memoirs of teenage girls have the habit of returning to the magical realm with atrocious grammar. They can't seem to shake the phrases "watever" and "no way," and they insert the word like into so many sentences that the other elves start slapping them...and for no apparent reason occasionally call out the name Edward Cullen.
- Janette Rallison
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
The powers of a man's mind are directly proportioned to the quantity of coffee he drinks.
- Sir James Mackintosh
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.
- Jarod Kintz
This Book Has No Title
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
If possible, try to avoid pushing each other over the edge, as that would cause me extra paperwork.
- Rick Riordan
The Lost Hero
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I hate patience. Slows everything down.
- J.D. Robb
Witness in Death
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
There are some dogs which, when you meet them, remind you that, despite thousands of years of man-made evolution, every dog is still only two meals away from being a wolf. These dogs advance deliberately, purposefully, the wilderness made flesh, their teeth yellow, their breath a-stink, while in the distance their owners witter, "He's an old soppy really, just poke him if he's a nuisance," and in the green of their eyes the red campfires of the Pleistocene gleam and flicker.
- Neil Gaiman
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I hope you feel better today. Please ring me at work if you are dead.
- Jaclyn Moriarty
Feeling Sorry for Celia
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
What's the point of being a grown-up if you don't get to be immature?
- Steven Moffat
Doctor Who: The Shooting Scripts
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
A real scientist solves problems, not wails that they are unsolvable.
- Anne McCaffrey
Acorna: The Unicorn Girl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.
- Stephen Colbert
I Am America
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
So let me get this straight. You were living in a tent in the woods, but now you're living with Prince Charming and anger management boy? SERIOUSLY?!
- Natsuki Takaya
Fruits Basket, Vol. 2
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
General fiction is pretty much about ways that people get into problems and screw their lives up. Science fiction is about everything else.
- Marvin Minsky
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Now we're going to save a bunch of dirty meatsacks from a bunch of dirty cannibals? Why don't we rescue some orphaned kittens and put food out for stray puppies while we're at it?
- Julie Kagawa
The Eternity Cure
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
It's the perfect solution. We argue all the time. We can't stand each other. It's like we're already married.
- Lisa Kleypas
Married by Morning
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
All sins are forgiven once you start making a lot of money.
- RuPaul
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Listen, street punk. You're a guy, and you're a couple inches taller, and maybe forty pounds heavier, and ooh, you're in a gang. But I've survived ten years of Catholic school, and I will cut you off at your knees without a blink. Do you understand?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
See? This is why I'm not religious. I couldn't possibly keep my mouth shut long enough to get along with everyone else.
- Jim Butcher
White Night
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Religion
The only reason there's such a thing as a morning in the first place is to keep night and afternoon from bumping into each other.
-Kheldar
- David Eddings
King of the Murgos
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Be you wise and never sad,
You will get your lovely lad.
Never serious be, nor true,
And your wish will come to you--
And if that makes you happy, kid,
You'll be the first it ever did.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Death, taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them.
- Margaret Mitchell
Gone with the Wind
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Death, Funny
Madame Bellwings, Memoir Elf Coordinator, was not at all pleased with this request, because elves who write the memoirs of teenage girls have the habit of returning to the magical realm with atrocious grammar. They can't seem to shake the phrases "watever" and "no way," and they insert the word like into so many sentences that the other elves start slapping them...and for no apparent reason occasionally call out the name Edward Cullen.
- Janette Rallison
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
The powers of a man's mind are directly proportioned to the quantity of coffee he drinks.
- Sir James Mackintosh
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.
- Jarod Kintz
This Book Has No Title
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
If possible, try to avoid pushing each other over the edge, as that would cause me extra paperwork.
- Rick Riordan
The Lost Hero
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I hate patience. Slows everything down.
- J.D. Robb
Witness in Death
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
There are some dogs which, when you meet them, remind you that, despite thousands of years of man-made evolution, every dog is still only two meals away from being a wolf. These dogs advance deliberately, purposefully, the wilderness made flesh, their teeth yellow, their breath a-stink, while in the distance their owners witter, "He's an old soppy really, just poke him if he's a nuisance," and in the green of their eyes the red campfires of the Pleistocene gleam and flicker.
- Neil Gaiman
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
I hope you feel better today. Please ring me at work if you are dead.
- Jaclyn Moriarty
Feeling Sorry for Celia
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
What's the point of being a grown-up if you don't get to be immature?
- Steven Moffat
Doctor Who: The Shooting Scripts
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
A real scientist solves problems, not wails that they are unsolvable.
- Anne McCaffrey
Acorna: The Unicorn Girl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.
- Stephen Colbert
I Am America
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
So let me get this straight. You were living in a tent in the woods, but now you're living with Prince Charming and anger management boy? SERIOUSLY?!
- Natsuki Takaya
Fruits Basket, Vol. 2
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
General fiction is pretty much about ways that people get into problems and screw their lives up. Science fiction is about everything else.
- Marvin Minsky
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Now we're going to save a bunch of dirty meatsacks from a bunch of dirty cannibals? Why don't we rescue some orphaned kittens and put food out for stray puppies while we're at it?
- Julie Kagawa
The Eternity Cure
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
It's the perfect solution. We argue all the time. We can't stand each other. It's like we're already married.
- Lisa Kleypas
Married by Morning
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
All sins are forgiven once you start making a lot of money.
- RuPaul
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Listen, street punk. You're a guy, and you're a couple inches taller, and maybe forty pounds heavier, and ooh, you're in a gang. But I've survived ten years of Catholic school, and I will cut you off at your knees without a blink. Do you understand?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
See? This is why I'm not religious. I couldn't possibly keep my mouth shut long enough to get along with everyone else.
- Jim Butcher
White Night
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny, Religion
The only reason there's such a thing as a morning in the first place is to keep night and afternoon from bumping into each other.
-Kheldar
- David Eddings
King of the Murgos
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Be you wise and never sad,
You will get your lovely lad.
Never serious be, nor true,
And your wish will come to you--
And if that makes you happy, kid,
You'll be the first it ever did.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Funny
Death, taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them.
- Margaret Mitchell
Gone with the Wind
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Topic: Death, Funny
...
134
135
136
137
138