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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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You cannot see what I see because you see what you see. You cannot know what I know because you know what you know. What I see and what I know cannot be added to what you see and what you know because they are not of the same kind. Neither can it replace what you see and what you know, because that would be to replace you yourself."

"Hang on, can I write this down?" said Arthur, excitedly fumbling in his pocket for a pencil.
- Douglas Adams
Mostly Harmless
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Doubtful, but it did work...
"Annabeth?" Percy said again. "You're planning something. You've got that I'm-planning-something look."
"I don't have an I'm-planning-something look."
"Yeah, you totally do. Your eyebrows knit and your lips press together and ---"
"Do you have a pen?" she asked him.
"You're kidding, right?" He brought out Riptide.
"Yes, but can you actually write with it?"
"I--I don't know," he admitted. "Never tried."
- Rick Riordan
The House of Hades
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You know how spooky Ashwini is. She called an hour ago to tell me she has a secret stash of handheld grenade launchers she thought I might want to know about. My response was, 'What the fuck?
- Nalini Singh
Angels' Blood
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Ask any guy if sex is important in a relationship and the one who says no is lying. I just haven't met that guy yet. When you meet him, let's get him in to the Smithsonian - he's that special and rare.
- Steve Harvey
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment
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I'm fresh out of fucks to give.
- Tucker Max
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We're taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side. Not in this case. In this case, assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule, not the exception. It's liberating. But we also know it's not an easy concept. -He's not just into you
- Greg Behrendt
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Apparently, dancing for him and throwing herself at him weren't enough. Apparently, she had to nearly commit murder to arouse him enough to attack her.
- Gena Showalter
The Darkest Kiss
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I’ve been thinking.”

“A dangerous pursuit.”

“Indeed.
- Victoria Schwab
The Archived
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Kami said, "I want you to go in there and vamp that receptionist."

"What?" Ash said blankly.

"You know," Kami said. "Dazzle her with your charms. Rock her world. Go on."

[...] "What," Ash said, "all of us?"

"Do you want to stand around trying to guess if she likes pretty boys or rough trade?" Jared asked, gesturing lazily from Ash to himself.

"Excuse me, what did you just call yourself?" Ash demanded. "No, wait a second, I don't care. What did you just call me?"
- Sarah Rees Brennan
Unspoken
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Listen, Peaches, trickery is what humans are all about," said the voice of Maurice. "They're so keen on tricking one another all the time that they elect governments to do it for them.
- Terry Pratchett
The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is what it's all been about with you," he said in an even tone. "All the fear, all the running. The nightmares." When she nodded, he said, "You called him the devil."
"He is." What are you thinking, Scot?
"But you... married him?"
MacRieve's disgusted with me. "Basically? Yes."
"Ceremony and everything?"
She swallowed. "He tricked me into it. I-I was only sixteen."
A muscle ticked in his cheek and his irises grew pale. "Then know this..."
She stopped breathing.
"Lass, I'm about to make you a widow--
- Kresley Cole
Pleasure of a Dark Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"You okay?"
"Fine."
"Your heart's beating really fast."
"Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it."
He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff.
"Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble."
"You sound like Shane."
"Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck."
"Liar."
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
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Is it really you this time, Kells?”
“Well, I’m no maggoty corpse, if that’s what you mean.”
He grinned. “That’s a relief. No maggoty corpse would be that sarcastic.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
... for most practical purposes, Tarbean had two parts: Waterside and Hillside. Waterside is where people are poor. That makes them beggars, thieves and whores. Hillside is where people are rich. That makes them solicitors, politicians and courtesans.
- Patrick Rothfuss
The Name of the Wind
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
- Gideon J. Tucker
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Cheeses crusty, got all musty, got damp on the stone of a peach,” I agreed. He looked blank, so I repeated it with proper emphasis. “ ChEEZ-zes crusty. Got Al -musty. Got DAMp on the StoneofapeaCH."
- Patricia Briggs
Iron Kissed
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm telling you, you really should stick to mating within your species, whatever that is.'

'I would,' I said, 'but unfortunately, there are no gorgeous, all-powerful, all-knowing gods around here. I'd even settle for a demigod. It's a step down, I know. But alas, there are nothing but low-brained mortals here. And half-brains, like you.
- Kristin Walker
A Match Made in High School
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"I adore Wilkie Collins,” Tessa cried. “Oh—Armadale! And The Woman in White …
Are you laughing at me?”
“Not at you,” said Will, grinning, “more because of you. I’ve never seen anyone get so
excited over books before. You’d think they were diamonds.”
“Well, they are, aren’t they? Isn’t there anything you love like that? And don’t say ‘spats’ or ‘lawn tennis’ or something silly.”
“Good Lord,” he said with mock horror, “it’s like she knows me already."
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Angel
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Writing in English is the most ingenious torture ever devised for sins committed in previous lives. The English reading public explains the reason why.
- James Joyce
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.
- Scott Adams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What's the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them?
- P.G. Wodehouse
Carry On, Jeeves
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say,
"Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that.
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think she just asked if she could touch my mango.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You cannot see what I see because you see what you see. You cannot know what I know because you know what you know. What I see and what I know cannot be added to what you see and what you know because they are not of the same kind. Neither can it replace what you see and what you know, because that would be to replace you yourself."

"Hang on, can I write this down?" said Arthur, excitedly fumbling in his pocket for a pencil.
- Douglas Adams
Mostly Harmless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Doubtful, but it did work...
"Annabeth?" Percy said again. "You're planning something. You've got that I'm-planning-something look."
"I don't have an I'm-planning-something look."
"Yeah, you totally do. Your eyebrows knit and your lips press together and ---"
"Do you have a pen?" she asked him.
"You're kidding, right?" He brought out Riptide.
"Yes, but can you actually write with it?"
"I--I don't know," he admitted. "Never tried."
- Rick Riordan
The House of Hades
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know how spooky Ashwini is. She called an hour ago to tell me she has a secret stash of handheld grenade launchers she thought I might want to know about. My response was, 'What the fuck?
- Nalini Singh
Angels' Blood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ask any guy if sex is important in a relationship and the one who says no is lying. I just haven't met that guy yet. When you meet him, let's get him in to the Smithsonian - he's that special and rare.
- Steve Harvey
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm fresh out of fucks to give.
- Tucker Max
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We're taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side. Not in this case. In this case, assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule, not the exception. It's liberating. But we also know it's not an easy concept. -He's not just into you
- Greg Behrendt
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Apparently, dancing for him and throwing herself at him weren't enough. Apparently, she had to nearly commit murder to arouse him enough to attack her.
- Gena Showalter
The Darkest Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’ve been thinking.”

“A dangerous pursuit.”

“Indeed.
- Victoria Schwab
The Archived
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Kami said, "I want you to go in there and vamp that receptionist."

"What?" Ash said blankly.

"You know," Kami said. "Dazzle her with your charms. Rock her world. Go on."

[...] "What," Ash said, "all of us?"

"Do you want to stand around trying to guess if she likes pretty boys or rough trade?" Jared asked, gesturing lazily from Ash to himself.

"Excuse me, what did you just call yourself?" Ash demanded. "No, wait a second, I don't care. What did you just call me?"
- Sarah Rees Brennan
Unspoken
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Listen, Peaches, trickery is what humans are all about," said the voice of Maurice. "They're so keen on tricking one another all the time that they elect governments to do it for them.
- Terry Pratchett
The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is what it's all been about with you," he said in an even tone. "All the fear, all the running. The nightmares." When she nodded, he said, "You called him the devil."
"He is." What are you thinking, Scot?
"But you... married him?"
MacRieve's disgusted with me. "Basically? Yes."
"Ceremony and everything?"
She swallowed. "He tricked me into it. I-I was only sixteen."
A muscle ticked in his cheek and his irises grew pale. "Then know this..."
She stopped breathing.
"Lass, I'm about to make you a widow--
- Kresley Cole
Pleasure of a Dark Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"You okay?"
"Fine."
"Your heart's beating really fast."
"Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it."
He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff.
"Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble."
"You sound like Shane."
"Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck."
"Liar."
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Is it really you this time, Kells?”
“Well, I’m no maggoty corpse, if that’s what you mean.”
He grinned. “That’s a relief. No maggoty corpse would be that sarcastic.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
... for most practical purposes, Tarbean had two parts: Waterside and Hillside. Waterside is where people are poor. That makes them beggars, thieves and whores. Hillside is where people are rich. That makes them solicitors, politicians and courtesans.
- Patrick Rothfuss
The Name of the Wind
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
- Gideon J. Tucker
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Cheeses crusty, got all musty, got damp on the stone of a peach,” I agreed. He looked blank, so I repeated it with proper emphasis. “ ChEEZ-zes crusty. Got Al -musty. Got DAMp on the StoneofapeaCH."
- Patricia Briggs
Iron Kissed
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm telling you, you really should stick to mating within your species, whatever that is.'

'I would,' I said, 'but unfortunately, there are no gorgeous, all-powerful, all-knowing gods around here. I'd even settle for a demigod. It's a step down, I know. But alas, there are nothing but low-brained mortals here. And half-brains, like you.
- Kristin Walker
A Match Made in High School
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"I adore Wilkie Collins,” Tessa cried. “Oh—Armadale! And The Woman in White …
Are you laughing at me?”
“Not at you,” said Will, grinning, “more because of you. I’ve never seen anyone get so
excited over books before. You’d think they were diamonds.”
“Well, they are, aren’t they? Isn’t there anything you love like that? And don’t say ‘spats’ or ‘lawn tennis’ or something silly.”
“Good Lord,” he said with mock horror, “it’s like she knows me already."
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Angel
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Writing in English is the most ingenious torture ever devised for sins committed in previous lives. The English reading public explains the reason why.
- James Joyce
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.
- Scott Adams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What's the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them?
- P.G. Wodehouse
Carry On, Jeeves
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say,
"Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that.
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think she just asked if she could touch my mango.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You cannot see what I see because you see what you see. You cannot know what I know because you know what you know. What I see and what I know cannot be added to what you see and what you know because they are not of the same kind. Neither can it replace what you see and what you know, because that would be to replace you yourself."

"Hang on, can I write this down?" said Arthur, excitedly fumbling in his pocket for a pencil.
- Douglas Adams
Mostly Harmless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Doubtful, but it did work...
"Annabeth?" Percy said again. "You're planning something. You've got that I'm-planning-something look."
"I don't have an I'm-planning-something look."
"Yeah, you totally do. Your eyebrows knit and your lips press together and ---"
"Do you have a pen?" she asked him.
"You're kidding, right?" He brought out Riptide.
"Yes, but can you actually write with it?"
"I--I don't know," he admitted. "Never tried."
- Rick Riordan
The House of Hades
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know how spooky Ashwini is. She called an hour ago to tell me she has a secret stash of handheld grenade launchers she thought I might want to know about. My response was, 'What the fuck?
- Nalini Singh
Angels' Blood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ask any guy if sex is important in a relationship and the one who says no is lying. I just haven't met that guy yet. When you meet him, let's get him in to the Smithsonian - he's that special and rare.
- Steve Harvey
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm fresh out of fucks to give.
- Tucker Max
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We're taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side. Not in this case. In this case, assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule, not the exception. It's liberating. But we also know it's not an easy concept. -He's not just into you
- Greg Behrendt
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Apparently, dancing for him and throwing herself at him weren't enough. Apparently, she had to nearly commit murder to arouse him enough to attack her.
- Gena Showalter
The Darkest Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’ve been thinking.”

“A dangerous pursuit.”

“Indeed.
- Victoria Schwab
The Archived
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Kami said, "I want you to go in there and vamp that receptionist."

"What?" Ash said blankly.

"You know," Kami said. "Dazzle her with your charms. Rock her world. Go on."

[...] "What," Ash said, "all of us?"

"Do you want to stand around trying to guess if she likes pretty boys or rough trade?" Jared asked, gesturing lazily from Ash to himself.

"Excuse me, what did you just call yourself?" Ash demanded. "No, wait a second, I don't care. What did you just call me?"
- Sarah Rees Brennan
Unspoken
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Listen, Peaches, trickery is what humans are all about," said the voice of Maurice. "They're so keen on tricking one another all the time that they elect governments to do it for them.
- Terry Pratchett
The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is what it's all been about with you," he said in an even tone. "All the fear, all the running. The nightmares." When she nodded, he said, "You called him the devil."
"He is." What are you thinking, Scot?
"But you... married him?"
MacRieve's disgusted with me. "Basically? Yes."
"Ceremony and everything?"
She swallowed. "He tricked me into it. I-I was only sixteen."
A muscle ticked in his cheek and his irises grew pale. "Then know this..."
She stopped breathing.
"Lass, I'm about to make you a widow--
- Kresley Cole
Pleasure of a Dark Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"You okay?"
"Fine."
"Your heart's beating really fast."
"Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it."
He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff.
"Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble."
"You sound like Shane."
"Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck."
"Liar."
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Is it really you this time, Kells?”
“Well, I’m no maggoty corpse, if that’s what you mean.”
He grinned. “That’s a relief. No maggoty corpse would be that sarcastic.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
... for most practical purposes, Tarbean had two parts: Waterside and Hillside. Waterside is where people are poor. That makes them beggars, thieves and whores. Hillside is where people are rich. That makes them solicitors, politicians and courtesans.
- Patrick Rothfuss
The Name of the Wind
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
- Gideon J. Tucker
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Cheeses crusty, got all musty, got damp on the stone of a peach,” I agreed. He looked blank, so I repeated it with proper emphasis. “ ChEEZ-zes crusty. Got Al -musty. Got DAMp on the StoneofapeaCH."
- Patricia Briggs
Iron Kissed
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm telling you, you really should stick to mating within your species, whatever that is.'

'I would,' I said, 'but unfortunately, there are no gorgeous, all-powerful, all-knowing gods around here. I'd even settle for a demigod. It's a step down, I know. But alas, there are nothing but low-brained mortals here. And half-brains, like you.
- Kristin Walker
A Match Made in High School
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"I adore Wilkie Collins,” Tessa cried. “Oh—Armadale! And The Woman in White …
Are you laughing at me?”
“Not at you,” said Will, grinning, “more because of you. I’ve never seen anyone get so
excited over books before. You’d think they were diamonds.”
“Well, they are, aren’t they? Isn’t there anything you love like that? And don’t say ‘spats’ or ‘lawn tennis’ or something silly.”
“Good Lord,” he said with mock horror, “it’s like she knows me already."
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Angel
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Writing in English is the most ingenious torture ever devised for sins committed in previous lives. The English reading public explains the reason why.
- James Joyce
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.
- Scott Adams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What's the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them?
- P.G. Wodehouse
Carry On, Jeeves
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say,
"Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that.
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think she just asked if she could touch my mango.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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