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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Truth would quickly cease to be stranger than fiction, once we got as used to it.
- H. L. Mencken
A Little Book In C Major
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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
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As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.
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"You're kidding," Shane said. "Do you think I want to visit Crazy McTeeth in his lair of insanity?"
"No," Claire said, "but I'm pretty sure you won't like it if I go alone when I just kind of promised to be with you. So...?"
"Right. I've been missing Nutty McFang anyway."
"Stop making up names for him."
"What about Count Crackula?"
"Just stop."
- Rachel Caine
Last Breath
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I hear your insults and plan to silence them with my victory.
- Claudia Gray
Stargazer
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I'm a Christian first, and a mean-spirited, bigoted conservative second, and don't you ever forget it. You know who else was kind of "divisive" in terms of challenging the status quo and the powers-that-be of his day? Jesus Christ.
- Ann Coulter
If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans
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That is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger,” said Snape coolly. “Five more points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
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One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well, my love,” said Alexia with prodigious daring to Lord Maccon, “shall we?” The earl started to move forward and then stopped abruptly and looked down at her, not moving at all. “Am I?”

“Are you what?” She peeked up at him through her tangled hair, pretending confusion. There was no possible way she was going to make this easy for him.

“Your love?”

“Well, you are a werewolf, Scottish, naked, and covered in blood, and I am still holding your hand.”

He sighed in evident relief. “Good. That is settled, then.
- Gail Carriger
Soulless
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"Rose took my nose, I suppose,” he repeated; the bubble of phlegm in his throat made a disgusting crackle. “And it really blows."
- James Dashner
The Scorch Trials
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There was this book Dad used to read to me every night called "The Giving Tree." It was a really good book, but the back of it had a picture of the author, this guy named Shel Silverstein.
But Shel Silverstein looks more like a burglar or a pirate than a guy who should be writing books for kids.
Dad must have known that picture kind of freaked me out, because one night after I got out of bed, Dad said: "IF YOU GET OUT OF BED AGAIN TONIGHT, YOU'LL PROBABLY RUN INTO SHEL SILVERSTEIN IN THE HALLWAY."
That really did the trick, Ever since then, I STILL don't get out of bed at night, even if I really need to use the bathroom.
- Jeff Kinney
The Last Straw
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Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them.
- Noel Fielding
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Luck is a woman. She's drawn to those that least deserve her.
- Joe Abercrombie
Last Argument of Kings
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"I will remember this word," he said. "Shenanigans. It is a good word."
- John Flanagan
The Emperor of Nihon-Ja
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America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.
- Stephen Colbert
I Am America
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If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
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It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I'm right.
- Molière
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From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: Moaning
Date: May 31 2011 19:39 EST
To: Christian Grey
Gotta go.
Laters, baby.

.....

From: Christian Grey
Subject: Plagiarism
Date: May 31 2011 16:41
To: Anastasia Steele
You stole my line.
And left me hanging.
Enjoy your dinner.
Christian Grey
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.
- E.L. James
Fifty Shades of Grey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm about as intimidating as a butterfly.
- Dan Howell
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I hate girls that giggle all the time...
You hate any girl that David looks at.
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Stick your dick in’?” I asked, my brows probably touching. “Did you actually just say that?”

“Make love. I meant make love … of course. I would never just stick my dick in you. I would make mad, passionate love to this sweet, sweet body of yours for days, no, weeks. It would be beautiful, pumpkin. There’d be little angels, and birdies, and you know … all just hanging around, watching. Perverts.
- Kylie Scott
Play
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know, my sister and I can’t understand what Dawson sees in you. You’re just a silly little human.” His arm shot out so fast it was a blur, picked up a strand of her hair. “And you’re really not even that pretty.”

Oh…oh, that stung more than it should have. Tears burned her eyes as she fought to keep her voice level. “I guess it’s a good thing, then. A relationship between us would never work.”

His eyes narrowed. “And why is that?”

“Because I’m allergic to assholes.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Writer’s block is only a failure of the ego.
- Norman Mailer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.
- Bill Cosby
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Truth would quickly cease to be stranger than fiction, once we got as used to it.
- H. L. Mencken
A Little Book In C Major
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"You're kidding," Shane said. "Do you think I want to visit Crazy McTeeth in his lair of insanity?"
"No," Claire said, "but I'm pretty sure you won't like it if I go alone when I just kind of promised to be with you. So...?"
"Right. I've been missing Nutty McFang anyway."
"Stop making up names for him."
"What about Count Crackula?"
"Just stop."
- Rachel Caine
Last Breath
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hear your insults and plan to silence them with my victory.
- Claudia Gray
Stargazer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm a Christian first, and a mean-spirited, bigoted conservative second, and don't you ever forget it. You know who else was kind of "divisive" in terms of challenging the status quo and the powers-that-be of his day? Jesus Christ.
- Ann Coulter
If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger,” said Snape coolly. “Five more points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well, my love,” said Alexia with prodigious daring to Lord Maccon, “shall we?” The earl started to move forward and then stopped abruptly and looked down at her, not moving at all. “Am I?”

“Are you what?” She peeked up at him through her tangled hair, pretending confusion. There was no possible way she was going to make this easy for him.

“Your love?”

“Well, you are a werewolf, Scottish, naked, and covered in blood, and I am still holding your hand.”

He sighed in evident relief. “Good. That is settled, then.
- Gail Carriger
Soulless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Rose took my nose, I suppose,” he repeated; the bubble of phlegm in his throat made a disgusting crackle. “And it really blows."
- James Dashner
The Scorch Trials
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There was this book Dad used to read to me every night called "The Giving Tree." It was a really good book, but the back of it had a picture of the author, this guy named Shel Silverstein.
But Shel Silverstein looks more like a burglar or a pirate than a guy who should be writing books for kids.
Dad must have known that picture kind of freaked me out, because one night after I got out of bed, Dad said: "IF YOU GET OUT OF BED AGAIN TONIGHT, YOU'LL PROBABLY RUN INTO SHEL SILVERSTEIN IN THE HALLWAY."
That really did the trick, Ever since then, I STILL don't get out of bed at night, even if I really need to use the bathroom.
- Jeff Kinney
The Last Straw
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them.
- Noel Fielding
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Luck is a woman. She's drawn to those that least deserve her.
- Joe Abercrombie
Last Argument of Kings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"I will remember this word," he said. "Shenanigans. It is a good word."
- John Flanagan
The Emperor of Nihon-Ja
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.
- Stephen Colbert
I Am America
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I'm right.
- Molière
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: Moaning
Date: May 31 2011 19:39 EST
To: Christian Grey
Gotta go.
Laters, baby.

.....

From: Christian Grey
Subject: Plagiarism
Date: May 31 2011 16:41
To: Anastasia Steele
You stole my line.
And left me hanging.
Enjoy your dinner.
Christian Grey
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.
- E.L. James
Fifty Shades of Grey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm about as intimidating as a butterfly.
- Dan Howell
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hate girls that giggle all the time...
You hate any girl that David looks at.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Stick your dick in’?” I asked, my brows probably touching. “Did you actually just say that?”

“Make love. I meant make love … of course. I would never just stick my dick in you. I would make mad, passionate love to this sweet, sweet body of yours for days, no, weeks. It would be beautiful, pumpkin. There’d be little angels, and birdies, and you know … all just hanging around, watching. Perverts.
- Kylie Scott
Play
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know, my sister and I can’t understand what Dawson sees in you. You’re just a silly little human.” His arm shot out so fast it was a blur, picked up a strand of her hair. “And you’re really not even that pretty.”

Oh…oh, that stung more than it should have. Tears burned her eyes as she fought to keep her voice level. “I guess it’s a good thing, then. A relationship between us would never work.”

His eyes narrowed. “And why is that?”

“Because I’m allergic to assholes.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Writer’s block is only a failure of the ego.
- Norman Mailer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.
- Bill Cosby
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Truth would quickly cease to be stranger than fiction, once we got as used to it.
- H. L. Mencken
A Little Book In C Major
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"You're kidding," Shane said. "Do you think I want to visit Crazy McTeeth in his lair of insanity?"
"No," Claire said, "but I'm pretty sure you won't like it if I go alone when I just kind of promised to be with you. So...?"
"Right. I've been missing Nutty McFang anyway."
"Stop making up names for him."
"What about Count Crackula?"
"Just stop."
- Rachel Caine
Last Breath
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hear your insults and plan to silence them with my victory.
- Claudia Gray
Stargazer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm a Christian first, and a mean-spirited, bigoted conservative second, and don't you ever forget it. You know who else was kind of "divisive" in terms of challenging the status quo and the powers-that-be of his day? Jesus Christ.
- Ann Coulter
If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger,” said Snape coolly. “Five more points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well, my love,” said Alexia with prodigious daring to Lord Maccon, “shall we?” The earl started to move forward and then stopped abruptly and looked down at her, not moving at all. “Am I?”

“Are you what?” She peeked up at him through her tangled hair, pretending confusion. There was no possible way she was going to make this easy for him.

“Your love?”

“Well, you are a werewolf, Scottish, naked, and covered in blood, and I am still holding your hand.”

He sighed in evident relief. “Good. That is settled, then.
- Gail Carriger
Soulless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Rose took my nose, I suppose,” he repeated; the bubble of phlegm in his throat made a disgusting crackle. “And it really blows."
- James Dashner
The Scorch Trials
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There was this book Dad used to read to me every night called "The Giving Tree." It was a really good book, but the back of it had a picture of the author, this guy named Shel Silverstein.
But Shel Silverstein looks more like a burglar or a pirate than a guy who should be writing books for kids.
Dad must have known that picture kind of freaked me out, because one night after I got out of bed, Dad said: "IF YOU GET OUT OF BED AGAIN TONIGHT, YOU'LL PROBABLY RUN INTO SHEL SILVERSTEIN IN THE HALLWAY."
That really did the trick, Ever since then, I STILL don't get out of bed at night, even if I really need to use the bathroom.
- Jeff Kinney
The Last Straw
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them.
- Noel Fielding
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Luck is a woman. She's drawn to those that least deserve her.
- Joe Abercrombie
Last Argument of Kings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"I will remember this word," he said. "Shenanigans. It is a good word."
- John Flanagan
The Emperor of Nihon-Ja
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.
- Stephen Colbert
I Am America
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I'm right.
- Molière
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: Moaning
Date: May 31 2011 19:39 EST
To: Christian Grey
Gotta go.
Laters, baby.

.....

From: Christian Grey
Subject: Plagiarism
Date: May 31 2011 16:41
To: Anastasia Steele
You stole my line.
And left me hanging.
Enjoy your dinner.
Christian Grey
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.
- E.L. James
Fifty Shades of Grey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm about as intimidating as a butterfly.
- Dan Howell
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hate girls that giggle all the time...
You hate any girl that David looks at.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Stick your dick in’?” I asked, my brows probably touching. “Did you actually just say that?”

“Make love. I meant make love … of course. I would never just stick my dick in you. I would make mad, passionate love to this sweet, sweet body of yours for days, no, weeks. It would be beautiful, pumpkin. There’d be little angels, and birdies, and you know … all just hanging around, watching. Perverts.
- Kylie Scott
Play
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know, my sister and I can’t understand what Dawson sees in you. You’re just a silly little human.” His arm shot out so fast it was a blur, picked up a strand of her hair. “And you’re really not even that pretty.”

Oh…oh, that stung more than it should have. Tears burned her eyes as she fought to keep her voice level. “I guess it’s a good thing, then. A relationship between us would never work.”

His eyes narrowed. “And why is that?”

“Because I’m allergic to assholes.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Writer’s block is only a failure of the ego.
- Norman Mailer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.
- Bill Cosby
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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