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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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You know, Miss Holly, you look very dramatic like that, backlit by the fire. Very attractive, if I may say so. I know you shared a moment passionne with Artemis which he subsequently fouled up with his typical boorish behavior. Let me just throw something out there for you to consider while we're chasing the probe: I share Artemis's passion but not his boorishness. No pressure; just think about it.
This was enough to elicit a deafening moment of silence even in the middle of a crisis, which Orion seemed to be blissfully unaffected by.
- Eoin Colfer
The Atlantis Complex
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This is me.’" He handed her the precious scrap of paper. ‘Call me or I’ll call you, but one of us will call, yes? What I mean is it’s not a competition. You don’t lose if you phone first.
- David Nicholls
One Day
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"What's up?" [asked Ford.]
"I don't know," said Marvin, "I've never been there."
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Come work for me, and I’ll tell you.”
My eyes went to his. “You are a thief, a cheat, a murderer, and a not-nice man,” I said calmly. “I don’t like you.”
He shrugged, the motion making him look utterly harmless. “I’m not a thief,” he said. “And I don’t mind manipulating you into working for me when I need it.” He smiled, showing me perfect teeth. “I enjoy it, actually.
- Kim Harrison
The Good, the Bad, and the Undead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"See?" she heard Shane yell at the kitchen. "She doesn't stomp around like a cattle stampede!"
"Bite me, Collins! No bacon for you, either!"
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do little pink fairies sing and dance in your world, Peabody?"
"Sometimes, when it's very quiet and no one else can see.
- J.D. Robb
Promises in Death
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Mentally, I was a slut. Physically, I was terrified of intimacy. Spiritually, I didn’t like men.
I was confused.
- Jasmine Mas
Psycho Devils
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The poor things keep calling in those – those pumbles, I think they're called – you know, the ones who mend pipes and things – "
"Plumbers?"
" – exactly, yes, but of course they're flummoxed.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I thought you said you were the one in charge!" Ce'Nedra exclaimed.

I lied." Silk said. "It's a vice I have.
- David Eddings
Queen of Sorcery
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'd never met coffee that wasn't wonderful. It was just a matter of how
wonderful it was.
- Laurell K. Hamilton
The Killing Dance
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!
- Bill Watterson
Something Under the Bed is Drooling
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are few sources of energy so powerful as a procrastinating college student.
- Paul Graham
Hackers & Painters: Big Ideas from the Computer Age
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You thought I was a werewolf?" Dervish asks.
"Yes" I answer hollowly.
"You ass.
- Darren Shan
Lord Loss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hate women who complain about being fat when they're like a size 5. Anything under size 5 isn't a woman. It's a boy with breasts.
- Laurell K. Hamilton
Obsidian Butterfly
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm your friend, and friends don't let friends die.
- C.B. Cook
Twinepathy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I will describe my eyes and then begin the story. My eyes are blue and resplendent. Now I will begin the story.
- Jonathan Safran Foer
Everything Is Illuminated
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Could we wear spandex and blow things up?
- Lisa Mantchev
Eyes Like Stars
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"I do not," I felt oddly appalled by her statement. "I'm an excellent liar. Ask my dentist. He swears I floss regularly."
- Darynda Jones
Second Grave on the Left
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To say I had some pent-up anger would be like saying Britney Spears had minor impulse-control issues.
- Molly Harper
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.
- Justin Halpern
Sh*t My Dad Says
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
OK," Josh said evenly, "I've seen men made of mud, I guess I can accept spying rats. Do they talk?" he wondered aloud.
Don't be ridiculous," Flamel snapped, "They're rats."
Josh really didn't think it was a ridiculous suggestion.
- Michael Scott
The Alchemyst
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.
- Werner Heisenberg
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: 'We don't serve colored people here.' "I said: 'that's all right, I don't eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken.
- Dick Gregory
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know, Miss Holly, you look very dramatic like that, backlit by the fire. Very attractive, if I may say so. I know you shared a moment passionne with Artemis which he subsequently fouled up with his typical boorish behavior. Let me just throw something out there for you to consider while we're chasing the probe: I share Artemis's passion but not his boorishness. No pressure; just think about it.
This was enough to elicit a deafening moment of silence even in the middle of a crisis, which Orion seemed to be blissfully unaffected by.
- Eoin Colfer
The Atlantis Complex
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is me.’" He handed her the precious scrap of paper. ‘Call me or I’ll call you, but one of us will call, yes? What I mean is it’s not a competition. You don’t lose if you phone first.
- David Nicholls
One Day
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"What's up?" [asked Ford.]
"I don't know," said Marvin, "I've never been there."
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Come work for me, and I’ll tell you.”
My eyes went to his. “You are a thief, a cheat, a murderer, and a not-nice man,” I said calmly. “I don’t like you.”
He shrugged, the motion making him look utterly harmless. “I’m not a thief,” he said. “And I don’t mind manipulating you into working for me when I need it.” He smiled, showing me perfect teeth. “I enjoy it, actually.
- Kim Harrison
The Good, the Bad, and the Undead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"See?" she heard Shane yell at the kitchen. "She doesn't stomp around like a cattle stampede!"
"Bite me, Collins! No bacon for you, either!"
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do little pink fairies sing and dance in your world, Peabody?"
"Sometimes, when it's very quiet and no one else can see.
- J.D. Robb
Promises in Death
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Mentally, I was a slut. Physically, I was terrified of intimacy. Spiritually, I didn’t like men.
I was confused.
- Jasmine Mas
Psycho Devils
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The poor things keep calling in those – those pumbles, I think they're called – you know, the ones who mend pipes and things – "
"Plumbers?"
" – exactly, yes, but of course they're flummoxed.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I thought you said you were the one in charge!" Ce'Nedra exclaimed.

I lied." Silk said. "It's a vice I have.
- David Eddings
Queen of Sorcery
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'd never met coffee that wasn't wonderful. It was just a matter of how
wonderful it was.
- Laurell K. Hamilton
The Killing Dance
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!
- Bill Watterson
Something Under the Bed is Drooling
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are few sources of energy so powerful as a procrastinating college student.
- Paul Graham
Hackers & Painters: Big Ideas from the Computer Age
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You thought I was a werewolf?" Dervish asks.
"Yes" I answer hollowly.
"You ass.
- Darren Shan
Lord Loss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hate women who complain about being fat when they're like a size 5. Anything under size 5 isn't a woman. It's a boy with breasts.
- Laurell K. Hamilton
Obsidian Butterfly
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm your friend, and friends don't let friends die.
- C.B. Cook
Twinepathy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I will describe my eyes and then begin the story. My eyes are blue and resplendent. Now I will begin the story.
- Jonathan Safran Foer
Everything Is Illuminated
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Could we wear spandex and blow things up?
- Lisa Mantchev
Eyes Like Stars
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"I do not," I felt oddly appalled by her statement. "I'm an excellent liar. Ask my dentist. He swears I floss regularly."
- Darynda Jones
Second Grave on the Left
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To say I had some pent-up anger would be like saying Britney Spears had minor impulse-control issues.
- Molly Harper
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.
- Justin Halpern
Sh*t My Dad Says
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
OK," Josh said evenly, "I've seen men made of mud, I guess I can accept spying rats. Do they talk?" he wondered aloud.
Don't be ridiculous," Flamel snapped, "They're rats."
Josh really didn't think it was a ridiculous suggestion.
- Michael Scott
The Alchemyst
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.
- Werner Heisenberg
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: 'We don't serve colored people here.' "I said: 'that's all right, I don't eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken.
- Dick Gregory
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know, Miss Holly, you look very dramatic like that, backlit by the fire. Very attractive, if I may say so. I know you shared a moment passionne with Artemis which he subsequently fouled up with his typical boorish behavior. Let me just throw something out there for you to consider while we're chasing the probe: I share Artemis's passion but not his boorishness. No pressure; just think about it.
This was enough to elicit a deafening moment of silence even in the middle of a crisis, which Orion seemed to be blissfully unaffected by.
- Eoin Colfer
The Atlantis Complex
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is me.’" He handed her the precious scrap of paper. ‘Call me or I’ll call you, but one of us will call, yes? What I mean is it’s not a competition. You don’t lose if you phone first.
- David Nicholls
One Day
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"What's up?" [asked Ford.]
"I don't know," said Marvin, "I've never been there."
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Come work for me, and I’ll tell you.”
My eyes went to his. “You are a thief, a cheat, a murderer, and a not-nice man,” I said calmly. “I don’t like you.”
He shrugged, the motion making him look utterly harmless. “I’m not a thief,” he said. “And I don’t mind manipulating you into working for me when I need it.” He smiled, showing me perfect teeth. “I enjoy it, actually.
- Kim Harrison
The Good, the Bad, and the Undead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"See?" she heard Shane yell at the kitchen. "She doesn't stomp around like a cattle stampede!"
"Bite me, Collins! No bacon for you, either!"
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do little pink fairies sing and dance in your world, Peabody?"
"Sometimes, when it's very quiet and no one else can see.
- J.D. Robb
Promises in Death
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Mentally, I was a slut. Physically, I was terrified of intimacy. Spiritually, I didn’t like men.
I was confused.
- Jasmine Mas
Psycho Devils
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The poor things keep calling in those – those pumbles, I think they're called – you know, the ones who mend pipes and things – "
"Plumbers?"
" – exactly, yes, but of course they're flummoxed.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I thought you said you were the one in charge!" Ce'Nedra exclaimed.

I lied." Silk said. "It's a vice I have.
- David Eddings
Queen of Sorcery
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'd never met coffee that wasn't wonderful. It was just a matter of how
wonderful it was.
- Laurell K. Hamilton
The Killing Dance
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!
- Bill Watterson
Something Under the Bed is Drooling
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are few sources of energy so powerful as a procrastinating college student.
- Paul Graham
Hackers & Painters: Big Ideas from the Computer Age
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You thought I was a werewolf?" Dervish asks.
"Yes" I answer hollowly.
"You ass.
- Darren Shan
Lord Loss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hate women who complain about being fat when they're like a size 5. Anything under size 5 isn't a woman. It's a boy with breasts.
- Laurell K. Hamilton
Obsidian Butterfly
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm your friend, and friends don't let friends die.
- C.B. Cook
Twinepathy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I will describe my eyes and then begin the story. My eyes are blue and resplendent. Now I will begin the story.
- Jonathan Safran Foer
Everything Is Illuminated
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Could we wear spandex and blow things up?
- Lisa Mantchev
Eyes Like Stars
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"I do not," I felt oddly appalled by her statement. "I'm an excellent liar. Ask my dentist. He swears I floss regularly."
- Darynda Jones
Second Grave on the Left
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To say I had some pent-up anger would be like saying Britney Spears had minor impulse-control issues.
- Molly Harper
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.
- Justin Halpern
Sh*t My Dad Says
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
OK," Josh said evenly, "I've seen men made of mud, I guess I can accept spying rats. Do they talk?" he wondered aloud.
Don't be ridiculous," Flamel snapped, "They're rats."
Josh really didn't think it was a ridiculous suggestion.
- Michael Scott
The Alchemyst
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.
- Werner Heisenberg
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: 'We don't serve colored people here.' "I said: 'that's all right, I don't eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken.
- Dick Gregory
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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