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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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NOT YET RATED ▼
Nobody calls me 'blondie' and keeps their kneecaps.
- Cassandra Clare
Lady Midnight
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, “Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert.
- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
Topic: Funny, Relationships
NOT YET RATED ▼
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored.
- Dora J. Arod
Love quotes for the ages. And the ageless sages.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I am not really breaking any rules. Charlie said I could never take another step through the door again... I came in through the window... Still, the intent was clear," said Edward.
- Stephenie Meyer
Twilight
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
NO PDA,school rules. And besides she's my partner dickhead." said Alex.
- Simone Elkeles
Perfect Chemistry
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.
- George Bernard Shaw
Man and Superman
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I am not sure I trust you."
"You can trust me with your life, My King."
"But not with my wine, obviously. Give it back.
- Megan Whalen Turner
The King of Attolia
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Usually my form of turning someone down was shoving a stake through his heart while smirking, Gotcha!
- Jeaniene Frost
Halfway to the Grave
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm making a list
I'm making a list of things I must say
For politeness,
And goodness and kindness and gentleness
Sweetness and rightness:
Hello
Pardon me
How are you?
Excuse me
Bless you
May I?
Thank you
Goodbye
If you know some that I've forgot,
Please stick them in you eye!
- Shel Silverstein
Where the Sidewalk Ends
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
She'd absolutely adored the library_an entire building where anyone could take things they didn't own and feel no remorse about it.
- Ally Carter
Heist Society
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Can you define "plan" as "a loose sequence of manifestly inadequate observations and conjectures, held together by panic, indecision, and ignorance"? If so, it was a very good plan.
- Jonathan Stroud
The Ring of Solomon
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
"Do you love him?"
There were only a few people in the world who could ask me such insanely personal questions without getting punched. Dimitri was one of them.
- Richelle Mead
Last Sacrifice
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The first ten million years were the worst," said Marvin, "and the second ten million years, they were the worst too. The third ten million years I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Having a great intellect is no path to being happy.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You want him to walk?" Caleb demands. "Are you insane?"
"Did I shoot him in the leg?" I say. "No. He walks. Where do we go, Peter?
- Veronica Roth
Divergent
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
His eyes widened just a bit, his lips flexed. I realized he was trying not to laugh. I hate it when people find my threats amusing.
- Laurell K. Hamilton
The Laughing Corpse
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
This emotion I'm feeling now, this is love, right?"

"I don't know. Is it a longing? Is it a giddy stupid happiness just because you're with me?"

"Yes," she said.

"That's influenza," said Miro. "Watch for nausea or diarrhea within a few hours.
- Orson Scott Card
Children of the Mind
Topic: Funny, Relationships
NOT YET RATED ▼
I think the very word stalking implies that you're not supposed to like it. Otherwise, it would be called 'fluffy harmless observation time'.
- Molly Harper
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
We need to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn't matter, but work is third.
- Leslie Knope
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Nobody calls me 'blondie' and keeps their kneecaps.
- Cassandra Clare
Lady Midnight
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, “Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert.
- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
Topic: Funny, Relationships
NOT YET RATED ▼
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored.
- Dora J. Arod
Love quotes for the ages. And the ageless sages.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I am not really breaking any rules. Charlie said I could never take another step through the door again... I came in through the window... Still, the intent was clear," said Edward.
- Stephenie Meyer
Twilight
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
NO PDA,school rules. And besides she's my partner dickhead." said Alex.
- Simone Elkeles
Perfect Chemistry
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.
- George Bernard Shaw
Man and Superman
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I am not sure I trust you."
"You can trust me with your life, My King."
"But not with my wine, obviously. Give it back.
- Megan Whalen Turner
The King of Attolia
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Usually my form of turning someone down was shoving a stake through his heart while smirking, Gotcha!
- Jeaniene Frost
Halfway to the Grave
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm making a list
I'm making a list of things I must say
For politeness,
And goodness and kindness and gentleness
Sweetness and rightness:
Hello
Pardon me
How are you?
Excuse me
Bless you
May I?
Thank you
Goodbye
If you know some that I've forgot,
Please stick them in you eye!
- Shel Silverstein
Where the Sidewalk Ends
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
She'd absolutely adored the library_an entire building where anyone could take things they didn't own and feel no remorse about it.
- Ally Carter
Heist Society
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Can you define "plan" as "a loose sequence of manifestly inadequate observations and conjectures, held together by panic, indecision, and ignorance"? If so, it was a very good plan.
- Jonathan Stroud
The Ring of Solomon
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
"Do you love him?"
There were only a few people in the world who could ask me such insanely personal questions without getting punched. Dimitri was one of them.
- Richelle Mead
Last Sacrifice
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The first ten million years were the worst," said Marvin, "and the second ten million years, they were the worst too. The third ten million years I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Having a great intellect is no path to being happy.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You want him to walk?" Caleb demands. "Are you insane?"
"Did I shoot him in the leg?" I say. "No. He walks. Where do we go, Peter?
- Veronica Roth
Divergent
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
His eyes widened just a bit, his lips flexed. I realized he was trying not to laugh. I hate it when people find my threats amusing.
- Laurell K. Hamilton
The Laughing Corpse
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
This emotion I'm feeling now, this is love, right?"

"I don't know. Is it a longing? Is it a giddy stupid happiness just because you're with me?"

"Yes," she said.

"That's influenza," said Miro. "Watch for nausea or diarrhea within a few hours.
- Orson Scott Card
Children of the Mind
Topic: Funny, Relationships
NOT YET RATED ▼
I think the very word stalking implies that you're not supposed to like it. Otherwise, it would be called 'fluffy harmless observation time'.
- Molly Harper
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
We need to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn't matter, but work is third.
- Leslie Knope
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Nobody calls me 'blondie' and keeps their kneecaps.
- Cassandra Clare
Lady Midnight
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, “Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert.
- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
Topic: Funny, Relationships
NOT YET RATED ▼
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored.
- Dora J. Arod
Love quotes for the ages. And the ageless sages.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I am not really breaking any rules. Charlie said I could never take another step through the door again... I came in through the window... Still, the intent was clear," said Edward.
- Stephenie Meyer
Twilight
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
NO PDA,school rules. And besides she's my partner dickhead." said Alex.
- Simone Elkeles
Perfect Chemistry
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.
- George Bernard Shaw
Man and Superman
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I am not sure I trust you."
"You can trust me with your life, My King."
"But not with my wine, obviously. Give it back.
- Megan Whalen Turner
The King of Attolia
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Usually my form of turning someone down was shoving a stake through his heart while smirking, Gotcha!
- Jeaniene Frost
Halfway to the Grave
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm making a list
I'm making a list of things I must say
For politeness,
And goodness and kindness and gentleness
Sweetness and rightness:
Hello
Pardon me
How are you?
Excuse me
Bless you
May I?
Thank you
Goodbye
If you know some that I've forgot,
Please stick them in you eye!
- Shel Silverstein
Where the Sidewalk Ends
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
She'd absolutely adored the library_an entire building where anyone could take things they didn't own and feel no remorse about it.
- Ally Carter
Heist Society
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Can you define "plan" as "a loose sequence of manifestly inadequate observations and conjectures, held together by panic, indecision, and ignorance"? If so, it was a very good plan.
- Jonathan Stroud
The Ring of Solomon
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
"Do you love him?"
There were only a few people in the world who could ask me such insanely personal questions without getting punched. Dimitri was one of them.
- Richelle Mead
Last Sacrifice
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The first ten million years were the worst," said Marvin, "and the second ten million years, they were the worst too. The third ten million years I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Having a great intellect is no path to being happy.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You want him to walk?" Caleb demands. "Are you insane?"
"Did I shoot him in the leg?" I say. "No. He walks. Where do we go, Peter?
- Veronica Roth
Divergent
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
His eyes widened just a bit, his lips flexed. I realized he was trying not to laugh. I hate it when people find my threats amusing.
- Laurell K. Hamilton
The Laughing Corpse
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
This emotion I'm feeling now, this is love, right?"

"I don't know. Is it a longing? Is it a giddy stupid happiness just because you're with me?"

"Yes," she said.

"That's influenza," said Miro. "Watch for nausea or diarrhea within a few hours.
- Orson Scott Card
Children of the Mind
Topic: Funny, Relationships
NOT YET RATED ▼
I think the very word stalking implies that you're not supposed to like it. Otherwise, it would be called 'fluffy harmless observation time'.
- Molly Harper
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
We need to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn't matter, but work is third.
- Leslie Knope
Topic: Funny
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20
21
22
23
 		...