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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Which of us is happy in this world? Which of us has his desire? or, having it, is satisfied?
- William Makepeace Thackeray
Vanity Fair
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I need to know you believe me when I say I love you. That is all."
"I believe everything you say," Tessa said with a smile, her hands creeping doen from his waist to his weapons belt. Her fingers closed on the hilt of the dagger, and she yanked it from the belt, smiling as he looked down at her in surprise. "After all," she said, "you weren't lying about the tattoo of the dragon of Wales, were you?
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Princess
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They say: Think twice before you jump. I say: Jump first and then think as much as you want!
- Osho
Courage: The Joy of Living Dangerously
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It is happy for you that you possess the talent of flattering with delicacy. May I ask whether these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment, or are they the result of previous study?
- Jane Austen
Pride and Prejudice
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She wondered if it was her stupid mother, the goddess of love, messing with her thoughts. If Piper started getting urges to read fashion magazines, she was going to have to find Aphrodite and smack her.
- Rick Riordan
The Lost Hero
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I don't know what I was expecting a vampire's room to look like. Maybe lots of black, a bunch of books by Camus... oh, and a sensitive portrait of the only human the vamp ever loved, who had no doubt died of something beautiful and tragic, thus dooming the vamp to an eternity of moping and sighing dramatically.
What can I say? I read a lot of books.
- Rachel Hawkins
Hex Hall
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is and will ever remain an equation incapable of solution, but it contains certain known factors.
- Nikola Tesla
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Regardless of what I think about Islam or Wicca or any other religion, the fact is that it's a group of people. Every faith has its ceremonies. And since it's made up of people, every faith also has its assholes.
- Jim Butcher
White Night
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys.
- George R.R. Martin
A Storm of Swords
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"I tried to tell you. You said you didn't care, remember?"
A muscle ticked below his eye. "You should have told me anyway."
"While you had barbells within your reach? Please. I'm Disease, not Stupid."
- Gena Showalter
The Darkest Night
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Charlotte, darling, Henry said to his wife, who was staring at im in gape-mouthed horror. Jassamine, beside her, was wided eyed. Sorry im late. You know, i think i might nearly have the sensor working-
Will interrupted. Henry, he said, your on fire. You do know that, don't you?

Oh, yes, Henry said eagerly. The flames were now nearly to his shoulder. I've been working like a man possessed all day. Charlotte, did you hear what i said about the sensor?
Charlotte dropped her hand from her mouth. Henry! She shrieked. Your arm!

Henry glanced down at his arm, and his mouth dropped open.
Bloody hell!
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Angel
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There is nothing particularly wrong with salmon, of course, but like caramel candy, strawberry yogurt, or liquid carpet cleaner, if you eat too much of it you are not going to enjoy your meal.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm very polite by nature, even the voices in my head let each other finish their sentences.
- Graham Parke
Unspent Time
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
- E. V. Lucas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How long have you been with Raphael?”

“You ask a lot of questions for a dead woman.”

“What can I say? I prefer to die well-informed.
- Nalini Singh
Angels' Blood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"I just rely on natural talent," said Adrian, strolling up to the start of the Dragon's Lair. "When you have such a wealth of it to draw from, the danger comes from having too much."
- Richelle Mead
Bloodlines
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wild!" Ron said, twiddling the replay knob on the side. "I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again... and again... and again...
- J. K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Work fast."
"Yeah." I point at the screen. "First I have to wait for my computer to wake up."
"Hurry."
"Okay, I'll wait faster."
"Sarcasm.
- Andy Weir
Project Hail Mary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sometimes I think it is a great mistake to have matter that can think and feel. It complains so. By the same token, though, I suppose that boulders and mountains and moons could be accused of being a little too phlegmatic.
- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you sit down and think about it sensibly, you come up with some very funny ideas. Like: why make people inquisitive, and then put some forbidden fruit where they can see it with a big neon finger flashing on and off saying 'THIS IS IT!'? ... I mean, why do that if you really don't want them to eat it, eh? I mean, maybe you just want to see how it all turns out. Maybe it's all part of a great big ineffable plan. All of it. You, me, him, everything. Some great big test to see if what you've built all works properly, eh? You start thinking: it can't be a great cosmic game of chess, it has to be just very complicated Solitaire.
- Neil Gaiman
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Which of us is happy in this world? Which of us has his desire? or, having it, is satisfied?
- William Makepeace Thackeray
Vanity Fair
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I need to know you believe me when I say I love you. That is all."
"I believe everything you say," Tessa said with a smile, her hands creeping doen from his waist to his weapons belt. Her fingers closed on the hilt of the dagger, and she yanked it from the belt, smiling as he looked down at her in surprise. "After all," she said, "you weren't lying about the tattoo of the dragon of Wales, were you?
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Princess
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They say: Think twice before you jump. I say: Jump first and then think as much as you want!
- Osho
Courage: The Joy of Living Dangerously
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is happy for you that you possess the talent of flattering with delicacy. May I ask whether these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment, or are they the result of previous study?
- Jane Austen
Pride and Prejudice
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She wondered if it was her stupid mother, the goddess of love, messing with her thoughts. If Piper started getting urges to read fashion magazines, she was going to have to find Aphrodite and smack her.
- Rick Riordan
The Lost Hero
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't know what I was expecting a vampire's room to look like. Maybe lots of black, a bunch of books by Camus... oh, and a sensitive portrait of the only human the vamp ever loved, who had no doubt died of something beautiful and tragic, thus dooming the vamp to an eternity of moping and sighing dramatically.
What can I say? I read a lot of books.
- Rachel Hawkins
Hex Hall
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is and will ever remain an equation incapable of solution, but it contains certain known factors.
- Nikola Tesla
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Regardless of what I think about Islam or Wicca or any other religion, the fact is that it's a group of people. Every faith has its ceremonies. And since it's made up of people, every faith also has its assholes.
- Jim Butcher
White Night
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys.
- George R.R. Martin
A Storm of Swords
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"I tried to tell you. You said you didn't care, remember?"
A muscle ticked below his eye. "You should have told me anyway."
"While you had barbells within your reach? Please. I'm Disease, not Stupid."
- Gena Showalter
The Darkest Night
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Charlotte, darling, Henry said to his wife, who was staring at im in gape-mouthed horror. Jassamine, beside her, was wided eyed. Sorry im late. You know, i think i might nearly have the sensor working-
Will interrupted. Henry, he said, your on fire. You do know that, don't you?

Oh, yes, Henry said eagerly. The flames were now nearly to his shoulder. I've been working like a man possessed all day. Charlotte, did you hear what i said about the sensor?
Charlotte dropped her hand from her mouth. Henry! She shrieked. Your arm!

Henry glanced down at his arm, and his mouth dropped open.
Bloody hell!
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Angel
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There is nothing particularly wrong with salmon, of course, but like caramel candy, strawberry yogurt, or liquid carpet cleaner, if you eat too much of it you are not going to enjoy your meal.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm very polite by nature, even the voices in my head let each other finish their sentences.
- Graham Parke
Unspent Time
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
- E. V. Lucas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How long have you been with Raphael?”

“You ask a lot of questions for a dead woman.”

“What can I say? I prefer to die well-informed.
- Nalini Singh
Angels' Blood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"I just rely on natural talent," said Adrian, strolling up to the start of the Dragon's Lair. "When you have such a wealth of it to draw from, the danger comes from having too much."
- Richelle Mead
Bloodlines
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wild!" Ron said, twiddling the replay knob on the side. "I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again... and again... and again...
- J. K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Work fast."
"Yeah." I point at the screen. "First I have to wait for my computer to wake up."
"Hurry."
"Okay, I'll wait faster."
"Sarcasm.
- Andy Weir
Project Hail Mary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sometimes I think it is a great mistake to have matter that can think and feel. It complains so. By the same token, though, I suppose that boulders and mountains and moons could be accused of being a little too phlegmatic.
- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you sit down and think about it sensibly, you come up with some very funny ideas. Like: why make people inquisitive, and then put some forbidden fruit where they can see it with a big neon finger flashing on and off saying 'THIS IS IT!'? ... I mean, why do that if you really don't want them to eat it, eh? I mean, maybe you just want to see how it all turns out. Maybe it's all part of a great big ineffable plan. All of it. You, me, him, everything. Some great big test to see if what you've built all works properly, eh? You start thinking: it can't be a great cosmic game of chess, it has to be just very complicated Solitaire.
- Neil Gaiman
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Which of us is happy in this world? Which of us has his desire? or, having it, is satisfied?
- William Makepeace Thackeray
Vanity Fair
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I need to know you believe me when I say I love you. That is all."
"I believe everything you say," Tessa said with a smile, her hands creeping doen from his waist to his weapons belt. Her fingers closed on the hilt of the dagger, and she yanked it from the belt, smiling as he looked down at her in surprise. "After all," she said, "you weren't lying about the tattoo of the dragon of Wales, were you?
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Princess
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They say: Think twice before you jump. I say: Jump first and then think as much as you want!
- Osho
Courage: The Joy of Living Dangerously
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is happy for you that you possess the talent of flattering with delicacy. May I ask whether these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment, or are they the result of previous study?
- Jane Austen
Pride and Prejudice
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She wondered if it was her stupid mother, the goddess of love, messing with her thoughts. If Piper started getting urges to read fashion magazines, she was going to have to find Aphrodite and smack her.
- Rick Riordan
The Lost Hero
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't know what I was expecting a vampire's room to look like. Maybe lots of black, a bunch of books by Camus... oh, and a sensitive portrait of the only human the vamp ever loved, who had no doubt died of something beautiful and tragic, thus dooming the vamp to an eternity of moping and sighing dramatically.
What can I say? I read a lot of books.
- Rachel Hawkins
Hex Hall
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is and will ever remain an equation incapable of solution, but it contains certain known factors.
- Nikola Tesla
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Regardless of what I think about Islam or Wicca or any other religion, the fact is that it's a group of people. Every faith has its ceremonies. And since it's made up of people, every faith also has its assholes.
- Jim Butcher
White Night
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys.
- George R.R. Martin
A Storm of Swords
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"I tried to tell you. You said you didn't care, remember?"
A muscle ticked below his eye. "You should have told me anyway."
"While you had barbells within your reach? Please. I'm Disease, not Stupid."
- Gena Showalter
The Darkest Night
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Charlotte, darling, Henry said to his wife, who was staring at im in gape-mouthed horror. Jassamine, beside her, was wided eyed. Sorry im late. You know, i think i might nearly have the sensor working-
Will interrupted. Henry, he said, your on fire. You do know that, don't you?

Oh, yes, Henry said eagerly. The flames were now nearly to his shoulder. I've been working like a man possessed all day. Charlotte, did you hear what i said about the sensor?
Charlotte dropped her hand from her mouth. Henry! She shrieked. Your arm!

Henry glanced down at his arm, and his mouth dropped open.
Bloody hell!
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Angel
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There is nothing particularly wrong with salmon, of course, but like caramel candy, strawberry yogurt, or liquid carpet cleaner, if you eat too much of it you are not going to enjoy your meal.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm very polite by nature, even the voices in my head let each other finish their sentences.
- Graham Parke
Unspent Time
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
- E. V. Lucas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How long have you been with Raphael?”

“You ask a lot of questions for a dead woman.”

“What can I say? I prefer to die well-informed.
- Nalini Singh
Angels' Blood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"I just rely on natural talent," said Adrian, strolling up to the start of the Dragon's Lair. "When you have such a wealth of it to draw from, the danger comes from having too much."
- Richelle Mead
Bloodlines
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wild!" Ron said, twiddling the replay knob on the side. "I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again... and again... and again...
- J. K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Work fast."
"Yeah." I point at the screen. "First I have to wait for my computer to wake up."
"Hurry."
"Okay, I'll wait faster."
"Sarcasm.
- Andy Weir
Project Hail Mary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sometimes I think it is a great mistake to have matter that can think and feel. It complains so. By the same token, though, I suppose that boulders and mountains and moons could be accused of being a little too phlegmatic.
- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you sit down and think about it sensibly, you come up with some very funny ideas. Like: why make people inquisitive, and then put some forbidden fruit where they can see it with a big neon finger flashing on and off saying 'THIS IS IT!'? ... I mean, why do that if you really don't want them to eat it, eh? I mean, maybe you just want to see how it all turns out. Maybe it's all part of a great big ineffable plan. All of it. You, me, him, everything. Some great big test to see if what you've built all works properly, eh? You start thinking: it can't be a great cosmic game of chess, it has to be just very complicated Solitaire.
- Neil Gaiman
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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34
35
36
37
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