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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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The merest accident of microgeography had meant that the first man to hear the voice of Om, and who gave Om his view of humans, was a shepherd and not a goatherd. They have quite different ways of looking at the world, and the whole of history might have been different. For sheep are stupid, and have to be driven. But goats are intelligent, and need to be led.
- Terry Pratchett
Small Gods
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What the hell is going on?" demanded Kami's dad, advancing with his black eyes snapping. Jared blurted, "My intentions are honourable."
Kami sat up straight in her bed and stared in Jared's direction. "Are you completely crazy?" she wanted to know. "This isn't the eighteenth century. How do you think that's going to help?"
"Well, I mean," Jared said, back against the wall like a cornered animal. "When we're older. I mean-"
"Please shut up," Kami begged.
"I agree with Kami," said Dad. "When you're in an abyss-like hole, quit digging.
- Sarah Rees Brennan
Unspoken
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I once loved a girl who almost loved me, but not as much as she loved John Cusack.
- Chuck Klosterman
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I never gossip. I observe. And then relay my observations to practically everyone.
- Gail Carriger
Timeless
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I don't need anything to get high. I'm high on life.
- Melissa de la Cruz
Blue Bloods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
'What’s your name?' she asked, and surprised herself. But for some reason, she wanted to know.
Dean’s brother—he hadn’t been just some nameless Bad Guy Number Four. This vampire wasn’t, either. He had a name, a history, maybe even people who cared what happened to him.
'My name is none of your business,' he said, and continued to stare out the window, even though there was nothing but blurry brick out there.
'Can I call you None for short?'
- Rachel Caine
Carpe Corpus
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Sometimes I think I must have a Guardian Idiot. A little invisible spirit just behind my shoulder, looking out for me...only he's an imbecile.
- Spider Robinson
Off the Wall at Callahan's
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Can you enter a house uninvited?"
"No."
"Why?"
"That would be rude."
- Abigail Gibbs
Dinner with a Vampire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.
- John Bingham
No Need for Speed: A Beginner's Guide to the Joy of Running
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.
- Scott Dikkers
You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride - where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation.
- Jane Austen
Pride and Prejudice
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I really should come with a warning label.
- Tom Upton
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.
- Nora Ephron
I Feel Bad About My Neck and Other Thoughts on Being a Woman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'll not listen to reason... reason always means what someone else has got to say.
- Elizabeth Gaskell
Cranford
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why are you here?"
"'Here' as in your bedroom, or 'here' as in the great, spiritual question of our purpose here on this planet? If you're asking me whether this is all some cosmic coincidence or if there's a greater meta-ethical purpose to life, well, that's a puzzler for the ages. I mean, modern-day reductionism is clearly a fallacious argument, but-,"
-"I'm going back to bed."
-"I'm here because Hodge reminded me it's your birthday.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The secret to humor is surprise.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There's a difference between preferring books to parties and preferring sixteen cats to seeing the light of day.
- Lauren Morrill
Meant to Be
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Somewhere, the zebra is dancing.
- Garth Stein
The Art of Racing in the Rain
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An untied shoelace can be dangerous,' he said.
'I could have tripped.'
She stared at him. A moment dragged by.
'I'm joking,' he said at last.
She relaxed. 'Really?'
'Absolutely. I would never have tripped. I'm far too graceful.
- Derek Landy
Playing with Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't care for her tongue, do you? How strange. I find it one of my favorite parts.

Bones to Gregor
- Jeaniene Frost
Destined for an Early Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Nobody comes here anymore, its too crowded
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The merest accident of microgeography had meant that the first man to hear the voice of Om, and who gave Om his view of humans, was a shepherd and not a goatherd. They have quite different ways of looking at the world, and the whole of history might have been different. For sheep are stupid, and have to be driven. But goats are intelligent, and need to be led.
- Terry Pratchett
Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What the hell is going on?" demanded Kami's dad, advancing with his black eyes snapping. Jared blurted, "My intentions are honourable."
Kami sat up straight in her bed and stared in Jared's direction. "Are you completely crazy?" she wanted to know. "This isn't the eighteenth century. How do you think that's going to help?"
"Well, I mean," Jared said, back against the wall like a cornered animal. "When we're older. I mean-"
"Please shut up," Kami begged.
"I agree with Kami," said Dad. "When you're in an abyss-like hole, quit digging.
- Sarah Rees Brennan
Unspoken
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I once loved a girl who almost loved me, but not as much as she loved John Cusack.
- Chuck Klosterman
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I never gossip. I observe. And then relay my observations to practically everyone.
- Gail Carriger
Timeless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't need anything to get high. I'm high on life.
- Melissa de la Cruz
Blue Bloods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
'What’s your name?' she asked, and surprised herself. But for some reason, she wanted to know.
Dean’s brother—he hadn’t been just some nameless Bad Guy Number Four. This vampire wasn’t, either. He had a name, a history, maybe even people who cared what happened to him.
'My name is none of your business,' he said, and continued to stare out the window, even though there was nothing but blurry brick out there.
'Can I call you None for short?'
- Rachel Caine
Carpe Corpus
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sometimes I think I must have a Guardian Idiot. A little invisible spirit just behind my shoulder, looking out for me...only he's an imbecile.
- Spider Robinson
Off the Wall at Callahan's
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Can you enter a house uninvited?"
"No."
"Why?"
"That would be rude."
- Abigail Gibbs
Dinner with a Vampire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.
- John Bingham
No Need for Speed: A Beginner's Guide to the Joy of Running
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.
- Scott Dikkers
You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride - where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation.
- Jane Austen
Pride and Prejudice
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I really should come with a warning label.
- Tom Upton
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.
- Nora Ephron
I Feel Bad About My Neck and Other Thoughts on Being a Woman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'll not listen to reason... reason always means what someone else has got to say.
- Elizabeth Gaskell
Cranford
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why are you here?"
"'Here' as in your bedroom, or 'here' as in the great, spiritual question of our purpose here on this planet? If you're asking me whether this is all some cosmic coincidence or if there's a greater meta-ethical purpose to life, well, that's a puzzler for the ages. I mean, modern-day reductionism is clearly a fallacious argument, but-,"
-"I'm going back to bed."
-"I'm here because Hodge reminded me it's your birthday.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The secret to humor is surprise.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There's a difference between preferring books to parties and preferring sixteen cats to seeing the light of day.
- Lauren Morrill
Meant to Be
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Somewhere, the zebra is dancing.
- Garth Stein
The Art of Racing in the Rain
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An untied shoelace can be dangerous,' he said.
'I could have tripped.'
She stared at him. A moment dragged by.
'I'm joking,' he said at last.
She relaxed. 'Really?'
'Absolutely. I would never have tripped. I'm far too graceful.
- Derek Landy
Playing with Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't care for her tongue, do you? How strange. I find it one of my favorite parts.

Bones to Gregor
- Jeaniene Frost
Destined for an Early Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Nobody comes here anymore, its too crowded
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The merest accident of microgeography had meant that the first man to hear the voice of Om, and who gave Om his view of humans, was a shepherd and not a goatherd. They have quite different ways of looking at the world, and the whole of history might have been different. For sheep are stupid, and have to be driven. But goats are intelligent, and need to be led.
- Terry Pratchett
Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What the hell is going on?" demanded Kami's dad, advancing with his black eyes snapping. Jared blurted, "My intentions are honourable."
Kami sat up straight in her bed and stared in Jared's direction. "Are you completely crazy?" she wanted to know. "This isn't the eighteenth century. How do you think that's going to help?"
"Well, I mean," Jared said, back against the wall like a cornered animal. "When we're older. I mean-"
"Please shut up," Kami begged.
"I agree with Kami," said Dad. "When you're in an abyss-like hole, quit digging.
- Sarah Rees Brennan
Unspoken
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I once loved a girl who almost loved me, but not as much as she loved John Cusack.
- Chuck Klosterman
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I never gossip. I observe. And then relay my observations to practically everyone.
- Gail Carriger
Timeless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't need anything to get high. I'm high on life.
- Melissa de la Cruz
Blue Bloods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
'What’s your name?' she asked, and surprised herself. But for some reason, she wanted to know.
Dean’s brother—he hadn’t been just some nameless Bad Guy Number Four. This vampire wasn’t, either. He had a name, a history, maybe even people who cared what happened to him.
'My name is none of your business,' he said, and continued to stare out the window, even though there was nothing but blurry brick out there.
'Can I call you None for short?'
- Rachel Caine
Carpe Corpus
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sometimes I think I must have a Guardian Idiot. A little invisible spirit just behind my shoulder, looking out for me...only he's an imbecile.
- Spider Robinson
Off the Wall at Callahan's
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Can you enter a house uninvited?"
"No."
"Why?"
"That would be rude."
- Abigail Gibbs
Dinner with a Vampire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.
- John Bingham
No Need for Speed: A Beginner's Guide to the Joy of Running
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.
- Scott Dikkers
You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride - where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation.
- Jane Austen
Pride and Prejudice
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I really should come with a warning label.
- Tom Upton
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.
- Nora Ephron
I Feel Bad About My Neck and Other Thoughts on Being a Woman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'll not listen to reason... reason always means what someone else has got to say.
- Elizabeth Gaskell
Cranford
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why are you here?"
"'Here' as in your bedroom, or 'here' as in the great, spiritual question of our purpose here on this planet? If you're asking me whether this is all some cosmic coincidence or if there's a greater meta-ethical purpose to life, well, that's a puzzler for the ages. I mean, modern-day reductionism is clearly a fallacious argument, but-,"
-"I'm going back to bed."
-"I'm here because Hodge reminded me it's your birthday.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The secret to humor is surprise.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There's a difference between preferring books to parties and preferring sixteen cats to seeing the light of day.
- Lauren Morrill
Meant to Be
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Somewhere, the zebra is dancing.
- Garth Stein
The Art of Racing in the Rain
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An untied shoelace can be dangerous,' he said.
'I could have tripped.'
She stared at him. A moment dragged by.
'I'm joking,' he said at last.
She relaxed. 'Really?'
'Absolutely. I would never have tripped. I'm far too graceful.
- Derek Landy
Playing with Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't care for her tongue, do you? How strange. I find it one of my favorite parts.

Bones to Gregor
- Jeaniene Frost
Destined for an Early Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Nobody comes here anymore, its too crowded
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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