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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
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"Um," Doc said in a mild voice, "medically speaking, I'm not sure that was the most helpful thing for his condition."
"But I feel better," Jared answered, sullen.
Doc smiled the tiniest smile. "Well, maybe a few more minutes of unconsciousness won't kill him."
- Stephenie Meyer
The Host
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"My bookcase is all yours."
I walked to the door. "I've just decided that those are my favorite five words in the world."
- Kasie West
Pivot Point
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She'll be back," Ranger said. "But not tonight."
[Stephanie] "How'd you get her to leave?"
"Told her I was gonna spend the next twelve hours ruining you for all other men, and so she might as well go home."
I could feel the heat rush to my face.
Ranger gave me the wolf smile. "I lied about it being tonight," he said.
- Janet Evanovich
Four to Score
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What's this about?"
"Finally. Interest," was the only response.
"If this is one of your tricks..." Like the time Torin had ordered hundreds of blow-up dolls and placed them throughout the fortress, all because Paris had foolishly complained about the lack of female companionship in town. The plastic "ladies" had stared our from every corner, their wide eyes and let-me-suck-you mouths taunting everyone who passed them.
Things like that happened when Torin was bored.
- Gena Showalter
The Darkest Night
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"Yo, beautiful. Come pop this collar off me.”
Natalya hissed, “Are you mad?”
“What’s she gonna do? Vivisect me? Imprison me? We’ve got a pact to fulfill,remember?”
To Dorada, she cried, “Seriously, sweetheart, shake that mummified ass over here.”
Regin kicked the glass. “Lemme the fuck out—”
La Dorada swung her head around,peering at Regin with her one eye.
“Okay. That’s freaky. Lookit, Gollum, if you spring me, I’ll help you find your Precious."
- Kresley Cole
Dreams of a Dark Warrior
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Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.
- Henry Kissinger
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"I'll go," he said.
"And that's safer because?"
"I'm a guy."
"Right, and having a pair of dingle balls makes you invincible how?"
- Gemma Halliday
Deadly Cool
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Bruce Wayne's parents get killed and he goes to Tibet or whatever, and Superman is an alien, and Spiderman had that radioactive spider. Me? I kissed a janitor in the school bathroom.
- Rachel Hawkins
Rebel Belle
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Bite me, Harry Potter.
- Meg Cabot
Runaway
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The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn't be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions?
- Terry Pratchett
Monstrous Regiment
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I didn't do anyting wrong. All I know is I saw two people struggling to get inside these walls and they [Minho and Alby] couldn't make it. To ignore that because of some stupid rule seemed selfish, cowardly, and... well, stupid. If you want to throw me in jail for trying to save someone's [Alby] life, then go ahead. Next time I promise I'll point at them and laugh, then go eat some of Frypan's dinner. -Thomas
- James Dashner
The Maze Runner
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How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does it
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I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.' I could not have phrased it better myself.
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If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
- Scott Adams
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Gaia visited her daughter Mnemosyne, who was busy being unpronounceable.
- Stephen Fry
Mythos: The Greek Myths Retold
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Nosoi?” Percy planted his feet in a fighting stance. “You know, I keep thinking, I have now killed every single thing in Greek mythology. But the list never seems to end.”

“You haven’t killed me yet,” I noted.

“Don’t tempt me.
- Rick Riordan
The Hidden Oracle
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That’s the problem with you nearly immortal types,” I said. “You couldn’t spot a pop culture reference if it skittered up and implanted an embryo down your esophagus.
- Jim Butcher
Small Favor
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My parents are going to kill me!"
"That seems rather harsh...
- Garth Nix
Sir Thursday
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Snoring keeps the monsters away.
- Judy Blume
Fudge-a-Mania
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I have detected disturbances in the wash.'

'The wash?'

'The space-time wash.'

'Are we talking about some sort of Vogon laundromat, or what are we talking about?'

'Eddies in the space-time continuum.'

'Ah...is he. Is he.'

'What?'

'Er, who is Eddy, then, exactly?
- Douglas Adams
Life, the Universe and Everything
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I stared at him (Dionysus). "You're...you're married? But I thought you got in trouble for chasing a wood nymph-
- Rick Riordan
The Titan’s Curse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How in the name of Merlin's pants have you managed to get your hands on those Horcrux books?
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So Dobby stopped us from getting on the train and broke your arm. . . ." He shook his head. "You know what, Harry? If he doesn't stop trying to save your life he's going to kill you.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Um," Doc said in a mild voice, "medically speaking, I'm not sure that was the most helpful thing for his condition."
"But I feel better," Jared answered, sullen.
Doc smiled the tiniest smile. "Well, maybe a few more minutes of unconsciousness won't kill him."
- Stephenie Meyer
The Host
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"My bookcase is all yours."
I walked to the door. "I've just decided that those are my favorite five words in the world."
- Kasie West
Pivot Point
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She'll be back," Ranger said. "But not tonight."
[Stephanie] "How'd you get her to leave?"
"Told her I was gonna spend the next twelve hours ruining you for all other men, and so she might as well go home."
I could feel the heat rush to my face.
Ranger gave me the wolf smile. "I lied about it being tonight," he said.
- Janet Evanovich
Four to Score
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What's this about?"
"Finally. Interest," was the only response.
"If this is one of your tricks..." Like the time Torin had ordered hundreds of blow-up dolls and placed them throughout the fortress, all because Paris had foolishly complained about the lack of female companionship in town. The plastic "ladies" had stared our from every corner, their wide eyes and let-me-suck-you mouths taunting everyone who passed them.
Things like that happened when Torin was bored.
- Gena Showalter
The Darkest Night
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Yo, beautiful. Come pop this collar off me.”
Natalya hissed, “Are you mad?”
“What’s she gonna do? Vivisect me? Imprison me? We’ve got a pact to fulfill,remember?”
To Dorada, she cried, “Seriously, sweetheart, shake that mummified ass over here.”
Regin kicked the glass. “Lemme the fuck out—”
La Dorada swung her head around,peering at Regin with her one eye.
“Okay. That’s freaky. Lookit, Gollum, if you spring me, I’ll help you find your Precious."
- Kresley Cole
Dreams of a Dark Warrior
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.
- Henry Kissinger
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"I'll go," he said.
"And that's safer because?"
"I'm a guy."
"Right, and having a pair of dingle balls makes you invincible how?"
- Gemma Halliday
Deadly Cool
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Bruce Wayne's parents get killed and he goes to Tibet or whatever, and Superman is an alien, and Spiderman had that radioactive spider. Me? I kissed a janitor in the school bathroom.
- Rachel Hawkins
Rebel Belle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Bite me, Harry Potter.
- Meg Cabot
Runaway
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn't be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions?
- Terry Pratchett
Monstrous Regiment
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I didn't do anyting wrong. All I know is I saw two people struggling to get inside these walls and they [Minho and Alby] couldn't make it. To ignore that because of some stupid rule seemed selfish, cowardly, and... well, stupid. If you want to throw me in jail for trying to save someone's [Alby] life, then go ahead. Next time I promise I'll point at them and laugh, then go eat some of Frypan's dinner. -Thomas
- James Dashner
The Maze Runner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does it
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.' I could not have phrased it better myself.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
- Scott Adams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Gaia visited her daughter Mnemosyne, who was busy being unpronounceable.
- Stephen Fry
Mythos: The Greek Myths Retold
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Nosoi?” Percy planted his feet in a fighting stance. “You know, I keep thinking, I have now killed every single thing in Greek mythology. But the list never seems to end.”

“You haven’t killed me yet,” I noted.

“Don’t tempt me.
- Rick Riordan
The Hidden Oracle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That’s the problem with you nearly immortal types,” I said. “You couldn’t spot a pop culture reference if it skittered up and implanted an embryo down your esophagus.
- Jim Butcher
Small Favor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My parents are going to kill me!"
"That seems rather harsh...
- Garth Nix
Sir Thursday
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Snoring keeps the monsters away.
- Judy Blume
Fudge-a-Mania
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have detected disturbances in the wash.'

'The wash?'

'The space-time wash.'

'Are we talking about some sort of Vogon laundromat, or what are we talking about?'

'Eddies in the space-time continuum.'

'Ah...is he. Is he.'

'What?'

'Er, who is Eddy, then, exactly?
- Douglas Adams
Life, the Universe and Everything
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I stared at him (Dionysus). "You're...you're married? But I thought you got in trouble for chasing a wood nymph-
- Rick Riordan
The Titan’s Curse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How in the name of Merlin's pants have you managed to get your hands on those Horcrux books?
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So Dobby stopped us from getting on the train and broke your arm. . . ." He shook his head. "You know what, Harry? If he doesn't stop trying to save your life he's going to kill you.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Um," Doc said in a mild voice, "medically speaking, I'm not sure that was the most helpful thing for his condition."
"But I feel better," Jared answered, sullen.
Doc smiled the tiniest smile. "Well, maybe a few more minutes of unconsciousness won't kill him."
- Stephenie Meyer
The Host
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"My bookcase is all yours."
I walked to the door. "I've just decided that those are my favorite five words in the world."
- Kasie West
Pivot Point
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She'll be back," Ranger said. "But not tonight."
[Stephanie] "How'd you get her to leave?"
"Told her I was gonna spend the next twelve hours ruining you for all other men, and so she might as well go home."
I could feel the heat rush to my face.
Ranger gave me the wolf smile. "I lied about it being tonight," he said.
- Janet Evanovich
Four to Score
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What's this about?"
"Finally. Interest," was the only response.
"If this is one of your tricks..." Like the time Torin had ordered hundreds of blow-up dolls and placed them throughout the fortress, all because Paris had foolishly complained about the lack of female companionship in town. The plastic "ladies" had stared our from every corner, their wide eyes and let-me-suck-you mouths taunting everyone who passed them.
Things like that happened when Torin was bored.
- Gena Showalter
The Darkest Night
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Yo, beautiful. Come pop this collar off me.”
Natalya hissed, “Are you mad?”
“What’s she gonna do? Vivisect me? Imprison me? We’ve got a pact to fulfill,remember?”
To Dorada, she cried, “Seriously, sweetheart, shake that mummified ass over here.”
Regin kicked the glass. “Lemme the fuck out—”
La Dorada swung her head around,peering at Regin with her one eye.
“Okay. That’s freaky. Lookit, Gollum, if you spring me, I’ll help you find your Precious."
- Kresley Cole
Dreams of a Dark Warrior
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.
- Henry Kissinger
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"I'll go," he said.
"And that's safer because?"
"I'm a guy."
"Right, and having a pair of dingle balls makes you invincible how?"
- Gemma Halliday
Deadly Cool
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Bruce Wayne's parents get killed and he goes to Tibet or whatever, and Superman is an alien, and Spiderman had that radioactive spider. Me? I kissed a janitor in the school bathroom.
- Rachel Hawkins
Rebel Belle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Bite me, Harry Potter.
- Meg Cabot
Runaway
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn't be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions?
- Terry Pratchett
Monstrous Regiment
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I didn't do anyting wrong. All I know is I saw two people struggling to get inside these walls and they [Minho and Alby] couldn't make it. To ignore that because of some stupid rule seemed selfish, cowardly, and... well, stupid. If you want to throw me in jail for trying to save someone's [Alby] life, then go ahead. Next time I promise I'll point at them and laugh, then go eat some of Frypan's dinner. -Thomas
- James Dashner
The Maze Runner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does it
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.' I could not have phrased it better myself.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
- Scott Adams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Gaia visited her daughter Mnemosyne, who was busy being unpronounceable.
- Stephen Fry
Mythos: The Greek Myths Retold
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Nosoi?” Percy planted his feet in a fighting stance. “You know, I keep thinking, I have now killed every single thing in Greek mythology. But the list never seems to end.”

“You haven’t killed me yet,” I noted.

“Don’t tempt me.
- Rick Riordan
The Hidden Oracle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That’s the problem with you nearly immortal types,” I said. “You couldn’t spot a pop culture reference if it skittered up and implanted an embryo down your esophagus.
- Jim Butcher
Small Favor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My parents are going to kill me!"
"That seems rather harsh...
- Garth Nix
Sir Thursday
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Snoring keeps the monsters away.
- Judy Blume
Fudge-a-Mania
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have detected disturbances in the wash.'

'The wash?'

'The space-time wash.'

'Are we talking about some sort of Vogon laundromat, or what are we talking about?'

'Eddies in the space-time continuum.'

'Ah...is he. Is he.'

'What?'

'Er, who is Eddy, then, exactly?
- Douglas Adams
Life, the Universe and Everything
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I stared at him (Dionysus). "You're...you're married? But I thought you got in trouble for chasing a wood nymph-
- Rick Riordan
The Titan’s Curse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How in the name of Merlin's pants have you managed to get your hands on those Horcrux books?
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So Dobby stopped us from getting on the train and broke your arm. . . ." He shook his head. "You know what, Harry? If he doesn't stop trying to save your life he's going to kill you.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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