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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Merlin’s beard.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
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A few said they'd be horses. Most said they'd be some sort of cat. My friend said she'd like to come back as a porcupine. I don't like crowds, she said.
- Brian Andreas
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When forced to leave my house for an extended period of time, I take my typewriter with me, and together we endure the wretchedness of passing through the X-ray scanner. The laptops roll merrily down the belt, while I’m instructed to stand aside and open my bag. To me it seems like a normal enough thing to be carrying, but the typewriter’s declining popularity arouses suspicion and I wind up eliciting the sort of reaction one might expect when traveling with a cannon.

It’s a typewriter,’ I say. ‘You use it to write angry letters to airport security.
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Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.
- Anonymous
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No,” said Hermione shortly. “Have either of you seen my copy of Numerology and Gramatica?”
“Oh, yeah, I borrowed it for a bit of bedtime reading,” said Ron, but very quietly.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Always watch where you are going. Otherwise, you may step on a piece of the Forest that was left out by mistake.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Razo hopped back up and adopted a posture that said he was completely unruffled, never had been, and in fact was ready to do something manly like lift boulders or swallow live worms.
- Shannon Hale
River Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It looks as though your shop is doing well," Luka said gazing around, "Could you help me find a gift for a lady friend of mine?"

My heart plunged to my grenn satin slippers, and I had to stare down at Azarte for a minute, petting him hard. Naturally Luka had a "lady friend." She was probably nobly born: the daughter of a count or a duke. I imagined her having thick dark hair and clear skin, and was bitterly jealous. "Of course," I stammered after a time. "What would she like? A gown? A sash?" If she came in for a fitting, I decided to "accidentlly" poke her with every pin.
- Jessica Day George
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Why don't you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut? Why don't you take a flying fuck at the mooooooooooooon?
- Kurt Vonnegut
Slapstick, or Lonesome No More!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Not entirely fair?" His voice became that of the inferno: a rushing, booming howl of icy evil that flew around the great cavern, as swift and cold as the Wendigo on skates. "I am Satan, also called Lucifer the Light Bearer..."
Cabal winced. What was it about devils that they always had to give you their whole family history?
"I was cast down from the presence of God himself into this dark, sulfurous pit and condemned to spend eternity here-"
"Have you tried saying sorry?" interrupted Cabal.
"No, I haven't! I was sent down for a sin of pride. It rather undermines my position if I say 'sorry'!
- Jonathan L. Howard
Johannes Cabal the Necromancer
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I am perfectly qualified to give you an injection. You're not going to tell me you're afraid of a little prick?"
"I wouldn't call you that...
- Anthony Horowitz
Scorpia
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All of those faeries and duels and mad queens and so on, and no one quoted old Billy Shakespeare. Not even once.
- Jim Butcher
Summer Knight
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'd love to...but only with you.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He smiled in a way that made me want to kiss him right on the spot. Or the lips. Whichever was closer.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The ill-informed masses included her own family among their ranks, a family that specialized in being both inconvenient and asinine.
- Gail Carriger
Soulless
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Those guys who want to have the Mohawk...which, to me, is the new business casual.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Frank stared at her. "But you throw Ding Dongs at monsters."
Iris looked horrified. "Oh, they're not Ding Dongs."
She rummaged under the counter and brought out a package of chocolate covered cakes that looked exactly like Ding Dongs.
"These are gluten-free, no-sugar-added, vitamin-enriched, soy-free, goat-milk-and-seaweed-based cupcake simulations."
"All natural!" Fleecy chimed in.
"I stand corrected." Frank suddenly felt as queasy as Percy.
- Rick Riordan
The Son of Neptune
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It was sad music. But it waved its sadness like a battle flag. It said the universe had done all it could, but you were still alive.
- Terry Pratchett
Soul Music
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I've got, roughly speaking, half the amount of brain a normal bloke ought to possess. And when a girl comes along who has about twice the regular allowance, she too often makes a bee line for me with the love light in her eyes. I don't know how to account for it, but it is so."

"It may be Nature's provision for maintaining the balance of the species, sir.
- Wodehouse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Bite me, Goth princess,” Shane called from the back. “Not literally or anything.”
“Maybe you should say that to Michael.”
“Not funny, Eve,” Michael said.
Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. “Little bit,” she said.
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Literary detection and firearms don't really go hand in hand; pen mighter than the sword and so forth.
- Jasper Fforde
The Eyre Affair
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If Marilyn Monroe was alive right now, what would she be doing?'

Clawing at the roof of her coffin.
- Chuck Palahniuk
Fight Club
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm amazing and studly, but I have limits.
- Jim Butcher
Grave Peril
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People think first love is sweet, and never sweeter than when that first bond snaps. You've heard a thousand pop and country songs that prove the point; some fool got his heart broke. Yet that first broken heart is always the most painful, the slowest to mend, and leaves the most visible scar. What's so sweet about that?
- Stephen King
Joyland
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Merlin’s beard.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A few said they'd be horses. Most said they'd be some sort of cat. My friend said she'd like to come back as a porcupine. I don't like crowds, she said.
- Brian Andreas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When forced to leave my house for an extended period of time, I take my typewriter with me, and together we endure the wretchedness of passing through the X-ray scanner. The laptops roll merrily down the belt, while I’m instructed to stand aside and open my bag. To me it seems like a normal enough thing to be carrying, but the typewriter’s declining popularity arouses suspicion and I wind up eliciting the sort of reaction one might expect when traveling with a cannon.

It’s a typewriter,’ I say. ‘You use it to write angry letters to airport security.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.
- Anonymous
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No,” said Hermione shortly. “Have either of you seen my copy of Numerology and Gramatica?”
“Oh, yeah, I borrowed it for a bit of bedtime reading,” said Ron, but very quietly.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Always watch where you are going. Otherwise, you may step on a piece of the Forest that was left out by mistake.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Razo hopped back up and adopted a posture that said he was completely unruffled, never had been, and in fact was ready to do something manly like lift boulders or swallow live worms.
- Shannon Hale
River Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It looks as though your shop is doing well," Luka said gazing around, "Could you help me find a gift for a lady friend of mine?"

My heart plunged to my grenn satin slippers, and I had to stare down at Azarte for a minute, petting him hard. Naturally Luka had a "lady friend." She was probably nobly born: the daughter of a count or a duke. I imagined her having thick dark hair and clear skin, and was bitterly jealous. "Of course," I stammered after a time. "What would she like? A gown? A sash?" If she came in for a fitting, I decided to "accidentlly" poke her with every pin.
- Jessica Day George
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why don't you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut? Why don't you take a flying fuck at the mooooooooooooon?
- Kurt Vonnegut
Slapstick, or Lonesome No More!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Not entirely fair?" His voice became that of the inferno: a rushing, booming howl of icy evil that flew around the great cavern, as swift and cold as the Wendigo on skates. "I am Satan, also called Lucifer the Light Bearer..."
Cabal winced. What was it about devils that they always had to give you their whole family history?
"I was cast down from the presence of God himself into this dark, sulfurous pit and condemned to spend eternity here-"
"Have you tried saying sorry?" interrupted Cabal.
"No, I haven't! I was sent down for a sin of pride. It rather undermines my position if I say 'sorry'!
- Jonathan L. Howard
Johannes Cabal the Necromancer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am perfectly qualified to give you an injection. You're not going to tell me you're afraid of a little prick?"
"I wouldn't call you that...
- Anthony Horowitz
Scorpia
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All of those faeries and duels and mad queens and so on, and no one quoted old Billy Shakespeare. Not even once.
- Jim Butcher
Summer Knight
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'd love to...but only with you.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He smiled in a way that made me want to kiss him right on the spot. Or the lips. Whichever was closer.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The ill-informed masses included her own family among their ranks, a family that specialized in being both inconvenient and asinine.
- Gail Carriger
Soulless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Those guys who want to have the Mohawk...which, to me, is the new business casual.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Frank stared at her. "But you throw Ding Dongs at monsters."
Iris looked horrified. "Oh, they're not Ding Dongs."
She rummaged under the counter and brought out a package of chocolate covered cakes that looked exactly like Ding Dongs.
"These are gluten-free, no-sugar-added, vitamin-enriched, soy-free, goat-milk-and-seaweed-based cupcake simulations."
"All natural!" Fleecy chimed in.
"I stand corrected." Frank suddenly felt as queasy as Percy.
- Rick Riordan
The Son of Neptune
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It was sad music. But it waved its sadness like a battle flag. It said the universe had done all it could, but you were still alive.
- Terry Pratchett
Soul Music
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I've got, roughly speaking, half the amount of brain a normal bloke ought to possess. And when a girl comes along who has about twice the regular allowance, she too often makes a bee line for me with the love light in her eyes. I don't know how to account for it, but it is so."

"It may be Nature's provision for maintaining the balance of the species, sir.
- Wodehouse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Bite me, Goth princess,” Shane called from the back. “Not literally or anything.”
“Maybe you should say that to Michael.”
“Not funny, Eve,” Michael said.
Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. “Little bit,” she said.
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Literary detection and firearms don't really go hand in hand; pen mighter than the sword and so forth.
- Jasper Fforde
The Eyre Affair
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If Marilyn Monroe was alive right now, what would she be doing?'

Clawing at the roof of her coffin.
- Chuck Palahniuk
Fight Club
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm amazing and studly, but I have limits.
- Jim Butcher
Grave Peril
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People think first love is sweet, and never sweeter than when that first bond snaps. You've heard a thousand pop and country songs that prove the point; some fool got his heart broke. Yet that first broken heart is always the most painful, the slowest to mend, and leaves the most visible scar. What's so sweet about that?
- Stephen King
Joyland
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Merlin’s beard.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A few said they'd be horses. Most said they'd be some sort of cat. My friend said she'd like to come back as a porcupine. I don't like crowds, she said.
- Brian Andreas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When forced to leave my house for an extended period of time, I take my typewriter with me, and together we endure the wretchedness of passing through the X-ray scanner. The laptops roll merrily down the belt, while I’m instructed to stand aside and open my bag. To me it seems like a normal enough thing to be carrying, but the typewriter’s declining popularity arouses suspicion and I wind up eliciting the sort of reaction one might expect when traveling with a cannon.

It’s a typewriter,’ I say. ‘You use it to write angry letters to airport security.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.
- Anonymous
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No,” said Hermione shortly. “Have either of you seen my copy of Numerology and Gramatica?”
“Oh, yeah, I borrowed it for a bit of bedtime reading,” said Ron, but very quietly.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Always watch where you are going. Otherwise, you may step on a piece of the Forest that was left out by mistake.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Razo hopped back up and adopted a posture that said he was completely unruffled, never had been, and in fact was ready to do something manly like lift boulders or swallow live worms.
- Shannon Hale
River Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It looks as though your shop is doing well," Luka said gazing around, "Could you help me find a gift for a lady friend of mine?"

My heart plunged to my grenn satin slippers, and I had to stare down at Azarte for a minute, petting him hard. Naturally Luka had a "lady friend." She was probably nobly born: the daughter of a count or a duke. I imagined her having thick dark hair and clear skin, and was bitterly jealous. "Of course," I stammered after a time. "What would she like? A gown? A sash?" If she came in for a fitting, I decided to "accidentlly" poke her with every pin.
- Jessica Day George
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why don't you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut? Why don't you take a flying fuck at the mooooooooooooon?
- Kurt Vonnegut
Slapstick, or Lonesome No More!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Not entirely fair?" His voice became that of the inferno: a rushing, booming howl of icy evil that flew around the great cavern, as swift and cold as the Wendigo on skates. "I am Satan, also called Lucifer the Light Bearer..."
Cabal winced. What was it about devils that they always had to give you their whole family history?
"I was cast down from the presence of God himself into this dark, sulfurous pit and condemned to spend eternity here-"
"Have you tried saying sorry?" interrupted Cabal.
"No, I haven't! I was sent down for a sin of pride. It rather undermines my position if I say 'sorry'!
- Jonathan L. Howard
Johannes Cabal the Necromancer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am perfectly qualified to give you an injection. You're not going to tell me you're afraid of a little prick?"
"I wouldn't call you that...
- Anthony Horowitz
Scorpia
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All of those faeries and duels and mad queens and so on, and no one quoted old Billy Shakespeare. Not even once.
- Jim Butcher
Summer Knight
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'd love to...but only with you.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He smiled in a way that made me want to kiss him right on the spot. Or the lips. Whichever was closer.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The ill-informed masses included her own family among their ranks, a family that specialized in being both inconvenient and asinine.
- Gail Carriger
Soulless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Those guys who want to have the Mohawk...which, to me, is the new business casual.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Frank stared at her. "But you throw Ding Dongs at monsters."
Iris looked horrified. "Oh, they're not Ding Dongs."
She rummaged under the counter and brought out a package of chocolate covered cakes that looked exactly like Ding Dongs.
"These are gluten-free, no-sugar-added, vitamin-enriched, soy-free, goat-milk-and-seaweed-based cupcake simulations."
"All natural!" Fleecy chimed in.
"I stand corrected." Frank suddenly felt as queasy as Percy.
- Rick Riordan
The Son of Neptune
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It was sad music. But it waved its sadness like a battle flag. It said the universe had done all it could, but you were still alive.
- Terry Pratchett
Soul Music
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I've got, roughly speaking, half the amount of brain a normal bloke ought to possess. And when a girl comes along who has about twice the regular allowance, she too often makes a bee line for me with the love light in her eyes. I don't know how to account for it, but it is so."

"It may be Nature's provision for maintaining the balance of the species, sir.
- Wodehouse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Bite me, Goth princess,” Shane called from the back. “Not literally or anything.”
“Maybe you should say that to Michael.”
“Not funny, Eve,” Michael said.
Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. “Little bit,” she said.
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Literary detection and firearms don't really go hand in hand; pen mighter than the sword and so forth.
- Jasper Fforde
The Eyre Affair
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If Marilyn Monroe was alive right now, what would she be doing?'

Clawing at the roof of her coffin.
- Chuck Palahniuk
Fight Club
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm amazing and studly, but I have limits.
- Jim Butcher
Grave Peril
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People think first love is sweet, and never sweeter than when that first bond snaps. You've heard a thousand pop and country songs that prove the point; some fool got his heart broke. Yet that first broken heart is always the most painful, the slowest to mend, and leaves the most visible scar. What's so sweet about that?
- Stephen King
Joyland
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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39
40
41
42
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