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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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I'm not absolutely certain of my facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare -- or, if not, it's some equally brainy lad -- who says that it's always just when a chappie is feeling particularly top-hole, and more than usually braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with a bit of lead piping.
- P.G. Wodehouse
My Man Jeeves
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A writer flirts with schizophrenia, nurtures synesthesia, and embraces obsessive-compulsive disorder. Your art feeds on you, your soul, and, yes, to a degree, your sanity. Writing novels worth reading will bugger up your mind, jeopardize your relationships, and distend your life. You have been warned.
- David Mitchell
The Bone Clocks
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Welsh is an actual, currently used language and our next-door neighbors Angela and Gaenor spoke it. It sounds like Wizard.
- Maureen Johnson
The Name of the Star
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The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
- Jeff Foxworthy
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You called me at four thirty-four....I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve.
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
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On the whole, we're a murderous race. According to Genesis, it took as few as four people to make the planet too crowded to stand, and the first murder was a fratricide. Genesis says that in a fit of jealous rage, the very first child born to mortal parents, Cain, snapped and popped the first metaphorical cap in another human being. The attack was a bloody, brutal, violent, reprehensible killing. Cain's brother Abel probably never saw it coming. As I opened the door to my apartment, I was filled with a sense of empathic sympathy and intuitive understanding. For freaking Cain.
- Jim Butcher
Dead Beat
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He started to touch the mechanism under the keyboard,
then pulled his hand back with a snap.
"Ah," he said. "Must deactivate the security....Turn around, please."
"What?"
"Turn around, Claire. It's a secure password!"
"You have GOT to be kidding."
"Why ever would I joke about that? Please turn.
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Walking around nude in front of humans was not a good way to keep a low profile with the community. It was an excellent way to make new friends, though.
- Rachel Vincent
Rogue
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Humor is just another defense against the
universe.
- Mel Brooks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No," said Luis, "You can't date the Lord of the Night Court."
"Well, I'm not, he dumped me."
"You can't get dumped by the lord of the night court."
"Oh, yes, you can. You so completely can.
- Holly Black
Ironside
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love being a wizard. Every day is like Disneyland.
- Jim Butcher
Turn Coat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was also built from delusional optimism and folly.
- A.S. King
Please Ignore Vera Dietz
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yeah. Floyd is his batman."
His what?"
Batman, like in the British army, each officer had a batman, a personal servant."
You spend too much time reading, Spenser. You know more stuff that don't make you money than anybody I know.
- Robert B. Parker
Mortal Stakes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If God wanted a world filled with saints, He never would have created adolescence.
- Susan Beth Pfeffer
The Dead and the Gone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm so horny the crack of dawn isn't safe.
- John Sandford
Bad Blood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Running ain't no bad thing. Leastways if you run in the right direction.
- Mark Lawrence
Prince of Thorns
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Heroism doesn't pay very well. I try to be cold-blooded and money-oriented, but I keep screwing it up.
- Jim Butcher
Dead Beat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sit, Phantom!" Ivy cooed. "On your bottom!"

"Oh, for goodness' sake!" Gabriel put down his book and pointed a longer finger at Phantom. "Sit," he commanded in a deep voice. Phantom looked sheepish and sank straight to the floor.

Ivy scowled in frustration. "I've been trying to get him to do that all day! What is it with dogs and male authority?
- Alexandra Adornetto
Halo
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Are you going to tell me what that was about?” Adam asked as we went back upstairs.

“Sometime,” I told him. “When we're telling ghost stories around a campfire, and I want to scare you.
- Patricia Briggs
Bone Crossed
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was conceived because it would be good for my House to have an heir and because my parents' genes ticked the right set of boxes. You were probably conceived because your parents loved each other."

"According to our mother," Bern said, "he was conceived because she was too wasted to remember a rubber."

Mad Rogan stopped chewing.

"I was conceived because my mother skipped bail. Her boyfriend at the time threatened to call the cops on her so she had to do something to keep him from doing it," Bern said helpfully.

Awesome. Just the right kind of information to share.

"Aunt Giselea isn't the best mother," I said. "There's one in every family.
- Ilona Andrews
Burn for Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
let’s face it: Most girls are annoying. I mean, most humans are annoying, so it’s not specific to girls. Also, I don’t really mean “annoying.” I guess I mean that most humans like to try to fuck up your plans.
- Jesse Andrews
Me and Earl and the Dying Girl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Isabelle says the Queen of the Seelie Court has requested an audience with is"
Sure" said Magnus. "And Madonna wants me as a backup dancer on her next world tour
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Then I guess I'll just have to try biting again"
"You wanna try?" He leaned the curve of my cheek. "Let me suggest more appropriate places. I have this piercing.
- Jennifer L. Armentrout
White Hot Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not absolutely certain of my facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare -- or, if not, it's some equally brainy lad -- who says that it's always just when a chappie is feeling particularly top-hole, and more than usually braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with a bit of lead piping.
- P.G. Wodehouse
My Man Jeeves
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A writer flirts with schizophrenia, nurtures synesthesia, and embraces obsessive-compulsive disorder. Your art feeds on you, your soul, and, yes, to a degree, your sanity. Writing novels worth reading will bugger up your mind, jeopardize your relationships, and distend your life. You have been warned.
- David Mitchell
The Bone Clocks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Welsh is an actual, currently used language and our next-door neighbors Angela and Gaenor spoke it. It sounds like Wizard.
- Maureen Johnson
The Name of the Star
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
- Jeff Foxworthy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You called me at four thirty-four....I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve.
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
On the whole, we're a murderous race. According to Genesis, it took as few as four people to make the planet too crowded to stand, and the first murder was a fratricide. Genesis says that in a fit of jealous rage, the very first child born to mortal parents, Cain, snapped and popped the first metaphorical cap in another human being. The attack was a bloody, brutal, violent, reprehensible killing. Cain's brother Abel probably never saw it coming. As I opened the door to my apartment, I was filled with a sense of empathic sympathy and intuitive understanding. For freaking Cain.
- Jim Butcher
Dead Beat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He started to touch the mechanism under the keyboard,
then pulled his hand back with a snap.
"Ah," he said. "Must deactivate the security....Turn around, please."
"What?"
"Turn around, Claire. It's a secure password!"
"You have GOT to be kidding."
"Why ever would I joke about that? Please turn.
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Walking around nude in front of humans was not a good way to keep a low profile with the community. It was an excellent way to make new friends, though.
- Rachel Vincent
Rogue
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Humor is just another defense against the
universe.
- Mel Brooks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No," said Luis, "You can't date the Lord of the Night Court."
"Well, I'm not, he dumped me."
"You can't get dumped by the lord of the night court."
"Oh, yes, you can. You so completely can.
- Holly Black
Ironside
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love being a wizard. Every day is like Disneyland.
- Jim Butcher
Turn Coat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was also built from delusional optimism and folly.
- A.S. King
Please Ignore Vera Dietz
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yeah. Floyd is his batman."
His what?"
Batman, like in the British army, each officer had a batman, a personal servant."
You spend too much time reading, Spenser. You know more stuff that don't make you money than anybody I know.
- Robert B. Parker
Mortal Stakes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If God wanted a world filled with saints, He never would have created adolescence.
- Susan Beth Pfeffer
The Dead and the Gone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm so horny the crack of dawn isn't safe.
- John Sandford
Bad Blood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Running ain't no bad thing. Leastways if you run in the right direction.
- Mark Lawrence
Prince of Thorns
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Heroism doesn't pay very well. I try to be cold-blooded and money-oriented, but I keep screwing it up.
- Jim Butcher
Dead Beat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sit, Phantom!" Ivy cooed. "On your bottom!"

"Oh, for goodness' sake!" Gabriel put down his book and pointed a longer finger at Phantom. "Sit," he commanded in a deep voice. Phantom looked sheepish and sank straight to the floor.

Ivy scowled in frustration. "I've been trying to get him to do that all day! What is it with dogs and male authority?
- Alexandra Adornetto
Halo
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Are you going to tell me what that was about?” Adam asked as we went back upstairs.

“Sometime,” I told him. “When we're telling ghost stories around a campfire, and I want to scare you.
- Patricia Briggs
Bone Crossed
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was conceived because it would be good for my House to have an heir and because my parents' genes ticked the right set of boxes. You were probably conceived because your parents loved each other."

"According to our mother," Bern said, "he was conceived because she was too wasted to remember a rubber."

Mad Rogan stopped chewing.

"I was conceived because my mother skipped bail. Her boyfriend at the time threatened to call the cops on her so she had to do something to keep him from doing it," Bern said helpfully.

Awesome. Just the right kind of information to share.

"Aunt Giselea isn't the best mother," I said. "There's one in every family.
- Ilona Andrews
Burn for Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
let’s face it: Most girls are annoying. I mean, most humans are annoying, so it’s not specific to girls. Also, I don’t really mean “annoying.” I guess I mean that most humans like to try to fuck up your plans.
- Jesse Andrews
Me and Earl and the Dying Girl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Isabelle says the Queen of the Seelie Court has requested an audience with is"
Sure" said Magnus. "And Madonna wants me as a backup dancer on her next world tour
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Then I guess I'll just have to try biting again"
"You wanna try?" He leaned the curve of my cheek. "Let me suggest more appropriate places. I have this piercing.
- Jennifer L. Armentrout
White Hot Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not absolutely certain of my facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare -- or, if not, it's some equally brainy lad -- who says that it's always just when a chappie is feeling particularly top-hole, and more than usually braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with a bit of lead piping.
- P.G. Wodehouse
My Man Jeeves
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A writer flirts with schizophrenia, nurtures synesthesia, and embraces obsessive-compulsive disorder. Your art feeds on you, your soul, and, yes, to a degree, your sanity. Writing novels worth reading will bugger up your mind, jeopardize your relationships, and distend your life. You have been warned.
- David Mitchell
The Bone Clocks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Welsh is an actual, currently used language and our next-door neighbors Angela and Gaenor spoke it. It sounds like Wizard.
- Maureen Johnson
The Name of the Star
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
- Jeff Foxworthy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You called me at four thirty-four....I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve.
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
On the whole, we're a murderous race. According to Genesis, it took as few as four people to make the planet too crowded to stand, and the first murder was a fratricide. Genesis says that in a fit of jealous rage, the very first child born to mortal parents, Cain, snapped and popped the first metaphorical cap in another human being. The attack was a bloody, brutal, violent, reprehensible killing. Cain's brother Abel probably never saw it coming. As I opened the door to my apartment, I was filled with a sense of empathic sympathy and intuitive understanding. For freaking Cain.
- Jim Butcher
Dead Beat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He started to touch the mechanism under the keyboard,
then pulled his hand back with a snap.
"Ah," he said. "Must deactivate the security....Turn around, please."
"What?"
"Turn around, Claire. It's a secure password!"
"You have GOT to be kidding."
"Why ever would I joke about that? Please turn.
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Walking around nude in front of humans was not a good way to keep a low profile with the community. It was an excellent way to make new friends, though.
- Rachel Vincent
Rogue
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Humor is just another defense against the
universe.
- Mel Brooks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No," said Luis, "You can't date the Lord of the Night Court."
"Well, I'm not, he dumped me."
"You can't get dumped by the lord of the night court."
"Oh, yes, you can. You so completely can.
- Holly Black
Ironside
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love being a wizard. Every day is like Disneyland.
- Jim Butcher
Turn Coat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was also built from delusional optimism and folly.
- A.S. King
Please Ignore Vera Dietz
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yeah. Floyd is his batman."
His what?"
Batman, like in the British army, each officer had a batman, a personal servant."
You spend too much time reading, Spenser. You know more stuff that don't make you money than anybody I know.
- Robert B. Parker
Mortal Stakes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If God wanted a world filled with saints, He never would have created adolescence.
- Susan Beth Pfeffer
The Dead and the Gone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm so horny the crack of dawn isn't safe.
- John Sandford
Bad Blood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Running ain't no bad thing. Leastways if you run in the right direction.
- Mark Lawrence
Prince of Thorns
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Heroism doesn't pay very well. I try to be cold-blooded and money-oriented, but I keep screwing it up.
- Jim Butcher
Dead Beat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sit, Phantom!" Ivy cooed. "On your bottom!"

"Oh, for goodness' sake!" Gabriel put down his book and pointed a longer finger at Phantom. "Sit," he commanded in a deep voice. Phantom looked sheepish and sank straight to the floor.

Ivy scowled in frustration. "I've been trying to get him to do that all day! What is it with dogs and male authority?
- Alexandra Adornetto
Halo
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Are you going to tell me what that was about?” Adam asked as we went back upstairs.

“Sometime,” I told him. “When we're telling ghost stories around a campfire, and I want to scare you.
- Patricia Briggs
Bone Crossed
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was conceived because it would be good for my House to have an heir and because my parents' genes ticked the right set of boxes. You were probably conceived because your parents loved each other."

"According to our mother," Bern said, "he was conceived because she was too wasted to remember a rubber."

Mad Rogan stopped chewing.

"I was conceived because my mother skipped bail. Her boyfriend at the time threatened to call the cops on her so she had to do something to keep him from doing it," Bern said helpfully.

Awesome. Just the right kind of information to share.

"Aunt Giselea isn't the best mother," I said. "There's one in every family.
- Ilona Andrews
Burn for Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
let’s face it: Most girls are annoying. I mean, most humans are annoying, so it’s not specific to girls. Also, I don’t really mean “annoying.” I guess I mean that most humans like to try to fuck up your plans.
- Jesse Andrews
Me and Earl and the Dying Girl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Isabelle says the Queen of the Seelie Court has requested an audience with is"
Sure" said Magnus. "And Madonna wants me as a backup dancer on her next world tour
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Then I guess I'll just have to try biting again"
"You wanna try?" He leaned the curve of my cheek. "Let me suggest more appropriate places. I have this piercing.
- Jennifer L. Armentrout
White Hot Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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39
40
41
42
43
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