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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.
- Samuel Johnson
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You can do anything with bayonets except sit on them.
- Thomas Hardy
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I rant, therefore I am.
- Dennis Miller
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Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
- H. G. Wells
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The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
- Jay Leno
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I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.
- Paul Simon
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We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder.
- Andre Maurois
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I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced.
- Ruby Wax
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He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.
- Raymond Chandler
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I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
- Hillary Clinton
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When you're eight years old nothing is your business.
- Lenny Bruce
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If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
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All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
- Jane Wagner
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I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
- Emo Philips
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I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
- Rita Rudner
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I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
- Paula Poundstone
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I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
- Elayne Boosler
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The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes.
- William Feather
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The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
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The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
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Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.
Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.
Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.
Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
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When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
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One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.
- Samuel Johnson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can do anything with bayonets except sit on them.
- Thomas Hardy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I rant, therefore I am.
- Dennis Miller
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
- H. G. Wells
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
- Jay Leno
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.
- Paul Simon
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder.
- Andre Maurois
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced.
- Ruby Wax
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.
- Raymond Chandler
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
- Hillary Clinton
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When you're eight years old nothing is your business.
- Lenny Bruce
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
- Jane Wagner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
- Emo Philips
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
- Rita Rudner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
- Paula Poundstone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
- Elayne Boosler
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes.
- William Feather
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.
Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.
Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.
Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.
- Samuel Johnson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can do anything with bayonets except sit on them.
- Thomas Hardy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I rant, therefore I am.
- Dennis Miller
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
- H. G. Wells
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
- Jay Leno
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.
- Paul Simon
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder.
- Andre Maurois
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced.
- Ruby Wax
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.
- Raymond Chandler
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
- Hillary Clinton
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When you're eight years old nothing is your business.
- Lenny Bruce
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
- Jane Wagner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
- Emo Philips
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
- Rita Rudner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
- Paula Poundstone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
- Elayne Boosler
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes.
- William Feather
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.
Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.
Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.
Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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