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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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I feel like, like pudding," Iggy groaned. "Pudding with nerve endings. Pudding in great pain.
- James Patterson
The Angel Experiment
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Every one suspects himself of at least one of the cardinal virtues, and this is mine: I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Great Gatsby
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If there was anything that depressed him more than his own cynicism, it was that quite often it still wasn't as cynical as real life.
- Terry Pratchett
Guards! Guards!
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I know that David Tennant's Hamlet isn't till July. And lots of people are going to be doing Dr Who in Hamlet jokes, so this is just me getting it out of the way early, to avoid the rush...
"To be, or not to be, that is the question. Weeelll.... More of A question really. Not THE question. Because, well, I mean, there are billions and billions of questions out there, and well, when I say billions, I mean, when you add in the answers, not just the questions, weeelll, you're looking at numbers that are positively astronomical and... for that matter the other question is what you lot are doing on this planet in the first place, and er, did anyone try just pushing this little red button?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Soap?"
"School of America in Paris" he explains. "SOAP".
Nice. My father sent me here to be cleansed.
- Stephanie Perkins
Anna and the French Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What are you grinning at?" Katsa demanded for the third or fourth time. "Is the ceiling about to cave in on my head or something? You look like we're both on the verge of an enormous joke."
"Katsa, only you would consider the collapse of the ceiling a good joke.
- Kristin Cashore
Graceling
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm sorry. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Then you're aping him. Valentine was one of the most arrogant and disrespectful men I've ever met. I suppose he brought you up to be just like him."
"Yes," Jace said, unable to help himself, "I was trained to be an evil mastermind from a young age. Pulling the wings off flies, poisoning the earth's water supply — I was covering that stuff in kindergarten. I guess we're all just lucky my father faked his own death before he got to the raping and pillaging part of my education, or no one would be safe.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've always thought people would find a lot more pleasure in their routines if they burst into song at significant moments.
- John Barrowman
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Fate," Blue replied, glowering at her mother, "is a very weighty word to throw around before breakfast.
- Maggie Stiefvater
The Raven Boys
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.
- David Sedaris
Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls: Essays, Etc.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march.
- J. K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'll be famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons." - Greg Heffley,
- Jeff Kinney
Diary of a Wimpy Kid
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.
- P.G. Wodehouse
The Man Upstairs and Other Stories
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Someday I must read this scholar Everyone. He seems to have written so much--all of it wrong.
- Tamora Pierce
Emperor Mage
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
V-Day…if you need this one day in a year to show everyone else you truly care for “your loved one” I think it’s quite stupid. I hate this commercialism. It’s all artificial, and has nothing to do with real love.
- Jess C Scott
EyeLeash: A Blog Novel
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you’re a loser. I think you’re wonderful. I want to be with you. I don’t want to be with you. I would never date you. I hate you. I love you…..I think the madness started the moment we met and you shook my hand. Did you have a disease or something?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It doesn't matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don't appreciate your genius for inventing the internet-"
"You invented the internet?"
It was my idea, Martha said.
Rats are delicious, George said.
"It was my idea!" Hermes said. "I mean the internet, not the rats. But that's not the point.
- Rick Riordan
The Sea of Monsters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Very Good, Jeeves!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Boys. I'd turn gay if they weren't so sexy.
- Rachel Caine
The Dead Girls' Dance
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've had great success being a total idiot.
- Jerry Lewis
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People talk too much. Humans aren't descended from monkeys. They come from parrots.
- Carlos Ruiz Zafón
The Shadow of the Wind
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I feel like, like pudding," Iggy groaned. "Pudding with nerve endings. Pudding in great pain.
- James Patterson
The Angel Experiment
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Every one suspects himself of at least one of the cardinal virtues, and this is mine: I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Great Gatsby
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If there was anything that depressed him more than his own cynicism, it was that quite often it still wasn't as cynical as real life.
- Terry Pratchett
Guards! Guards!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I know that David Tennant's Hamlet isn't till July. And lots of people are going to be doing Dr Who in Hamlet jokes, so this is just me getting it out of the way early, to avoid the rush...
"To be, or not to be, that is the question. Weeelll.... More of A question really. Not THE question. Because, well, I mean, there are billions and billions of questions out there, and well, when I say billions, I mean, when you add in the answers, not just the questions, weeelll, you're looking at numbers that are positively astronomical and... for that matter the other question is what you lot are doing on this planet in the first place, and er, did anyone try just pushing this little red button?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Soap?"
"School of America in Paris" he explains. "SOAP".
Nice. My father sent me here to be cleansed.
- Stephanie Perkins
Anna and the French Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What are you grinning at?" Katsa demanded for the third or fourth time. "Is the ceiling about to cave in on my head or something? You look like we're both on the verge of an enormous joke."
"Katsa, only you would consider the collapse of the ceiling a good joke.
- Kristin Cashore
Graceling
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm sorry. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Then you're aping him. Valentine was one of the most arrogant and disrespectful men I've ever met. I suppose he brought you up to be just like him."
"Yes," Jace said, unable to help himself, "I was trained to be an evil mastermind from a young age. Pulling the wings off flies, poisoning the earth's water supply — I was covering that stuff in kindergarten. I guess we're all just lucky my father faked his own death before he got to the raping and pillaging part of my education, or no one would be safe.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've always thought people would find a lot more pleasure in their routines if they burst into song at significant moments.
- John Barrowman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Fate," Blue replied, glowering at her mother, "is a very weighty word to throw around before breakfast.
- Maggie Stiefvater
The Raven Boys
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.
- David Sedaris
Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls: Essays, Etc.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march.
- J. K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'll be famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons." - Greg Heffley,
- Jeff Kinney
Diary of a Wimpy Kid
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.
- P.G. Wodehouse
The Man Upstairs and Other Stories
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Someday I must read this scholar Everyone. He seems to have written so much--all of it wrong.
- Tamora Pierce
Emperor Mage
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
V-Day…if you need this one day in a year to show everyone else you truly care for “your loved one” I think it’s quite stupid. I hate this commercialism. It’s all artificial, and has nothing to do with real love.
- Jess C Scott
EyeLeash: A Blog Novel
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you’re a loser. I think you’re wonderful. I want to be with you. I don’t want to be with you. I would never date you. I hate you. I love you…..I think the madness started the moment we met and you shook my hand. Did you have a disease or something?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It doesn't matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don't appreciate your genius for inventing the internet-"
"You invented the internet?"
It was my idea, Martha said.
Rats are delicious, George said.
"It was my idea!" Hermes said. "I mean the internet, not the rats. But that's not the point.
- Rick Riordan
The Sea of Monsters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Very Good, Jeeves!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Boys. I'd turn gay if they weren't so sexy.
- Rachel Caine
The Dead Girls' Dance
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've had great success being a total idiot.
- Jerry Lewis
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People talk too much. Humans aren't descended from monkeys. They come from parrots.
- Carlos Ruiz Zafón
The Shadow of the Wind
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I feel like, like pudding," Iggy groaned. "Pudding with nerve endings. Pudding in great pain.
- James Patterson
The Angel Experiment
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Every one suspects himself of at least one of the cardinal virtues, and this is mine: I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Great Gatsby
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If there was anything that depressed him more than his own cynicism, it was that quite often it still wasn't as cynical as real life.
- Terry Pratchett
Guards! Guards!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I know that David Tennant's Hamlet isn't till July. And lots of people are going to be doing Dr Who in Hamlet jokes, so this is just me getting it out of the way early, to avoid the rush...
"To be, or not to be, that is the question. Weeelll.... More of A question really. Not THE question. Because, well, I mean, there are billions and billions of questions out there, and well, when I say billions, I mean, when you add in the answers, not just the questions, weeelll, you're looking at numbers that are positively astronomical and... for that matter the other question is what you lot are doing on this planet in the first place, and er, did anyone try just pushing this little red button?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Soap?"
"School of America in Paris" he explains. "SOAP".
Nice. My father sent me here to be cleansed.
- Stephanie Perkins
Anna and the French Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What are you grinning at?" Katsa demanded for the third or fourth time. "Is the ceiling about to cave in on my head or something? You look like we're both on the verge of an enormous joke."
"Katsa, only you would consider the collapse of the ceiling a good joke.
- Kristin Cashore
Graceling
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm sorry. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Then you're aping him. Valentine was one of the most arrogant and disrespectful men I've ever met. I suppose he brought you up to be just like him."
"Yes," Jace said, unable to help himself, "I was trained to be an evil mastermind from a young age. Pulling the wings off flies, poisoning the earth's water supply — I was covering that stuff in kindergarten. I guess we're all just lucky my father faked his own death before he got to the raping and pillaging part of my education, or no one would be safe.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've always thought people would find a lot more pleasure in their routines if they burst into song at significant moments.
- John Barrowman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Fate," Blue replied, glowering at her mother, "is a very weighty word to throw around before breakfast.
- Maggie Stiefvater
The Raven Boys
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.
- David Sedaris
Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls: Essays, Etc.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march.
- J. K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'll be famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons." - Greg Heffley,
- Jeff Kinney
Diary of a Wimpy Kid
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.
- P.G. Wodehouse
The Man Upstairs and Other Stories
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Someday I must read this scholar Everyone. He seems to have written so much--all of it wrong.
- Tamora Pierce
Emperor Mage
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
V-Day…if you need this one day in a year to show everyone else you truly care for “your loved one” I think it’s quite stupid. I hate this commercialism. It’s all artificial, and has nothing to do with real love.
- Jess C Scott
EyeLeash: A Blog Novel
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you’re a loser. I think you’re wonderful. I want to be with you. I don’t want to be with you. I would never date you. I hate you. I love you…..I think the madness started the moment we met and you shook my hand. Did you have a disease or something?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It doesn't matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don't appreciate your genius for inventing the internet-"
"You invented the internet?"
It was my idea, Martha said.
Rats are delicious, George said.
"It was my idea!" Hermes said. "I mean the internet, not the rats. But that's not the point.
- Rick Riordan
The Sea of Monsters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Very Good, Jeeves!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Boys. I'd turn gay if they weren't so sexy.
- Rachel Caine
The Dead Girls' Dance
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've had great success being a total idiot.
- Jerry Lewis
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People talk too much. Humans aren't descended from monkeys. They come from parrots.
- Carlos Ruiz Zafón
The Shadow of the Wind
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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44
45
46
47
48
 		...