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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Frank stared at him. "Unfair? You can breathe underwater and blow up glaciers and summon freaking hurricanes-and it's unfair that I can be an elephant?"
Percy considered. "Okay. I guess you got a point. But the next time I say you're totally beast-"
"Just shut up," Frank said. "Please."
Percy cracked a smile.
- Rick Riordan
The Son of Neptune
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We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse.' --Skulduggery Pleasant
- Derek Landy
Playing with Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Crap, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"I'm thinking we have about fifteen vampires and no blood," Claire said. "Is that it?"

"No, I was thinking we're out of chips. Of course that's what I was thinking.
- Rachel Caine
Feast of Fools
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hate you," I muttered.
Noah smiled wider. "I know.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did?
Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty.
Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin.
Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't go looking for boys in the dark
They will say pretty things then
leave you with scars.
Do go looking for boys in the park
For that is where the true gentlemen are.
- Anna Godbersen
The Luxe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"And now," Eric yelled into his mircophone, "we're going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one's for my girlfriend. We've been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We're gonna be together forever, baby. This one's called 'Bang You Like a Drum'."
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As with most of life's problems, this one can be solved by a box of pure radiation.
- Andy Weir
The Martian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing after all.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He gazed amusedly down the table at Tessa. “You’re the shape-changer, aren’t you?” he said. “Magnus Bane told me about you. No mark on you at all, they say.”
Tessa swallowed and looked him straight in the eye. They were discordantly human eyes, ordinary in his extraordinary face. “No. No mark.”
He grinned around his fork. “I do suppose they’ve looked everywhere?”
“I’m sure Will’s tried,” said Jessamine in a bored tone.
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What ho!" I said.
"What ho!" said Motty.
"What ho! What ho!"
"What ho! What ho! What ho!"
After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.
- Wodehouse
My Man Jeeves
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Stairs," Valkyrie said, disappointed.
"Not just ordinary stairs," Skulduggery told her as he led the way down. "Magic stairs."
"Really?"
"Oh, yes."
She followed him into the darkness. "How are they magic?"
"They just are."
"In what way?"
"In a magicky way."
She glared at the back of his head. "They aren't magic at all, are they?"
"Not really.
- Derek Landy
Mortal Coil
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is like a box of chocolates.
- Winston Groom
Gump & Co.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You backbiting, poisonous, treacherous, deceitful, wicked, clever girl. If this works I'll buy you a pony.
- Jim Butcher
Summer Knight
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Isabelle snorted, "All the boys are gay. In this truck, anyway. Well, not you, Simon."
"You noticed," said Simon.
"I think of myself as a freewheeling bisexual," added Magnus.
"Please never say those words in front of my parents," said Alec.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
'Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think it's kinda nice.' And I did. my mom isn't famous for her pies. No, she's famous for defusing a nuclear device in Brussels with only a pair of cuticle scissors and a ponytail holder. Somehow, at the moment, pies seemed cooler.
- Ally Carter
I'd Tell You I Love You, But Then I'd Have to Kill You
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Let's be reasonable and add an eighth day to the week that is devoted exclusively to reading.
- Lena Dunham
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hmm…” Jason snapped his fingers. “I can call a friend for a ride.”
Percy raised his eyebrows. “Oh, yeah? Me too. Let's see whose friend gets here first.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't.
- Stephen Chbosky
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't think you should be an Auror, Harry," said Luna unexpectedly. Everybody looked at her. "The Aurors are part of the Rotfang Conspiracy, I thought everyone knew that. They're working to bring down the Ministry of Magic from within using a mixture of dark magic and gum disease.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Frank stared at him. "Unfair? You can breathe underwater and blow up glaciers and summon freaking hurricanes-and it's unfair that I can be an elephant?"
Percy considered. "Okay. I guess you got a point. But the next time I say you're totally beast-"
"Just shut up," Frank said. "Please."
Percy cracked a smile.
- Rick Riordan
The Son of Neptune
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse.' --Skulduggery Pleasant
- Derek Landy
Playing with Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Crap, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"I'm thinking we have about fifteen vampires and no blood," Claire said. "Is that it?"

"No, I was thinking we're out of chips. Of course that's what I was thinking.
- Rachel Caine
Feast of Fools
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hate you," I muttered.
Noah smiled wider. "I know.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did?
Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty.
Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin.
Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't go looking for boys in the dark
They will say pretty things then
leave you with scars.
Do go looking for boys in the park
For that is where the true gentlemen are.
- Anna Godbersen
The Luxe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"And now," Eric yelled into his mircophone, "we're going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one's for my girlfriend. We've been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We're gonna be together forever, baby. This one's called 'Bang You Like a Drum'."
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As with most of life's problems, this one can be solved by a box of pure radiation.
- Andy Weir
The Martian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing after all.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He gazed amusedly down the table at Tessa. “You’re the shape-changer, aren’t you?” he said. “Magnus Bane told me about you. No mark on you at all, they say.”
Tessa swallowed and looked him straight in the eye. They were discordantly human eyes, ordinary in his extraordinary face. “No. No mark.”
He grinned around his fork. “I do suppose they’ve looked everywhere?”
“I’m sure Will’s tried,” said Jessamine in a bored tone.
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What ho!" I said.
"What ho!" said Motty.
"What ho! What ho!"
"What ho! What ho! What ho!"
After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.
- Wodehouse
My Man Jeeves
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Stairs," Valkyrie said, disappointed.
"Not just ordinary stairs," Skulduggery told her as he led the way down. "Magic stairs."
"Really?"
"Oh, yes."
She followed him into the darkness. "How are they magic?"
"They just are."
"In what way?"
"In a magicky way."
She glared at the back of his head. "They aren't magic at all, are they?"
"Not really.
- Derek Landy
Mortal Coil
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is like a box of chocolates.
- Winston Groom
Gump & Co.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You backbiting, poisonous, treacherous, deceitful, wicked, clever girl. If this works I'll buy you a pony.
- Jim Butcher
Summer Knight
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Isabelle snorted, "All the boys are gay. In this truck, anyway. Well, not you, Simon."
"You noticed," said Simon.
"I think of myself as a freewheeling bisexual," added Magnus.
"Please never say those words in front of my parents," said Alec.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
'Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think it's kinda nice.' And I did. my mom isn't famous for her pies. No, she's famous for defusing a nuclear device in Brussels with only a pair of cuticle scissors and a ponytail holder. Somehow, at the moment, pies seemed cooler.
- Ally Carter
I'd Tell You I Love You, But Then I'd Have to Kill You
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Let's be reasonable and add an eighth day to the week that is devoted exclusively to reading.
- Lena Dunham
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hmm…” Jason snapped his fingers. “I can call a friend for a ride.”
Percy raised his eyebrows. “Oh, yeah? Me too. Let's see whose friend gets here first.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't.
- Stephen Chbosky
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't think you should be an Auror, Harry," said Luna unexpectedly. Everybody looked at her. "The Aurors are part of the Rotfang Conspiracy, I thought everyone knew that. They're working to bring down the Ministry of Magic from within using a mixture of dark magic and gum disease.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Frank stared at him. "Unfair? You can breathe underwater and blow up glaciers and summon freaking hurricanes-and it's unfair that I can be an elephant?"
Percy considered. "Okay. I guess you got a point. But the next time I say you're totally beast-"
"Just shut up," Frank said. "Please."
Percy cracked a smile.
- Rick Riordan
The Son of Neptune
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse.' --Skulduggery Pleasant
- Derek Landy
Playing with Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Crap, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"I'm thinking we have about fifteen vampires and no blood," Claire said. "Is that it?"

"No, I was thinking we're out of chips. Of course that's what I was thinking.
- Rachel Caine
Feast of Fools
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hate you," I muttered.
Noah smiled wider. "I know.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did?
Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty.
Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin.
Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't go looking for boys in the dark
They will say pretty things then
leave you with scars.
Do go looking for boys in the park
For that is where the true gentlemen are.
- Anna Godbersen
The Luxe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"And now," Eric yelled into his mircophone, "we're going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one's for my girlfriend. We've been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We're gonna be together forever, baby. This one's called 'Bang You Like a Drum'."
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As with most of life's problems, this one can be solved by a box of pure radiation.
- Andy Weir
The Martian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing after all.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He gazed amusedly down the table at Tessa. “You’re the shape-changer, aren’t you?” he said. “Magnus Bane told me about you. No mark on you at all, they say.”
Tessa swallowed and looked him straight in the eye. They were discordantly human eyes, ordinary in his extraordinary face. “No. No mark.”
He grinned around his fork. “I do suppose they’ve looked everywhere?”
“I’m sure Will’s tried,” said Jessamine in a bored tone.
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What ho!" I said.
"What ho!" said Motty.
"What ho! What ho!"
"What ho! What ho! What ho!"
After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.
- Wodehouse
My Man Jeeves
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Stairs," Valkyrie said, disappointed.
"Not just ordinary stairs," Skulduggery told her as he led the way down. "Magic stairs."
"Really?"
"Oh, yes."
She followed him into the darkness. "How are they magic?"
"They just are."
"In what way?"
"In a magicky way."
She glared at the back of his head. "They aren't magic at all, are they?"
"Not really.
- Derek Landy
Mortal Coil
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is like a box of chocolates.
- Winston Groom
Gump & Co.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You backbiting, poisonous, treacherous, deceitful, wicked, clever girl. If this works I'll buy you a pony.
- Jim Butcher
Summer Knight
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Isabelle snorted, "All the boys are gay. In this truck, anyway. Well, not you, Simon."
"You noticed," said Simon.
"I think of myself as a freewheeling bisexual," added Magnus.
"Please never say those words in front of my parents," said Alec.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
'Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think it's kinda nice.' And I did. my mom isn't famous for her pies. No, she's famous for defusing a nuclear device in Brussels with only a pair of cuticle scissors and a ponytail holder. Somehow, at the moment, pies seemed cooler.
- Ally Carter
I'd Tell You I Love You, But Then I'd Have to Kill You
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Let's be reasonable and add an eighth day to the week that is devoted exclusively to reading.
- Lena Dunham
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hmm…” Jason snapped his fingers. “I can call a friend for a ride.”
Percy raised his eyebrows. “Oh, yeah? Me too. Let's see whose friend gets here first.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't.
- Stephen Chbosky
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't think you should be an Auror, Harry," said Luna unexpectedly. Everybody looked at her. "The Aurors are part of the Rotfang Conspiracy, I thought everyone knew that. They're working to bring down the Ministry of Magic from within using a mixture of dark magic and gum disease.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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46
47
48
49
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