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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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I’m no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.
- Mark A. Cooper
Royal Decree
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That's brain tissue. How can you-?" Claire shut her mouth, fast. "Never mind. I don't think I wanna know."

"Truly, I think that's best. Please take it." He showed his teeth briefly in a very unsettling grin. "I'm giving you a piece of my mind."

"I so wish you hadn't said that.
- Rachel Caine
Feast of Fools
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Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to.
- George Saunders
The Braindead Megaphone
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If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mine.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Love Among the Chickens
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Do I look stupid?" snarled Uncle Vernon, a bit of fried egg dangling from his bushy mustache.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
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Babcock fidgeted with one of his cufflinks while staring down the remaining brokers in his office. He then delivered something akin to a pep talk in a severe tone. "... The world depends on our services. Services that must not be impeded. We don't break our backs producing things that have no real value—food, shelter, clothes ... art. No! We're titans of finance. We move intangible things and ideas around the world on digital platforms. No one else in the world can accumulate as much wealth as we do by simply moving around one and zeros on computers.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He tackled a woman's baby carriage. After the seven-month-old baby skidded across the pavement and began bawling his eyes out, Bill Brady started shouting at the toddler, 'What are you, a pussy? Walk it off! Walk it off!' After the mother shouted out her baby's age and how he wasn't able to walk yet, Bill Brady started barking in the vexed mother's face like she was a referee who had made a bad call.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed.
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We're being lead by an idiot with a crayon.
- Eoin Colfer
The Arctic Incident
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Well you seemed too busy to call him a prat and I thought someone should.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My dad used to say that life's a journey, but somebody screwed up and lost the map.
- Rachel Caine
Kiss of Death
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I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better.
- Tom Robbins
Still Life with Woodpecker
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall!
- Aleister Crowley
Moonchild
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it.
- Rene Descartes
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Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?
- Bill Hicks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Are you a female dog?"
"What?" Massie asked. "Why?"
"Because you are acting like a real bitch!
- Lisi Harrison
The Clique
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
why can't you see i'm a kid', said the kid.
Why try to make me like you?
Why are you hurt when I don't cuddle?
Why do you sigh when I splash through a puddle?
Why do you scream when I do what I did?
Im a kid.
- Shel Silverstein
Falling Up
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you didn't grow up like I did then you don't know, and if you don't know it's probably better you don't judge.
- Junot Díaz
The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao
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Hey, our hair's the same color," I said, eying us side by side in the mirror.

"Sure is, girlfriend." Eric grinned at me.
- Charlaine Harris
Living Dead in Dallas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some things are fairly obvious when it's a seven-foot skeleton with a scythe telling you them
- Terry Pratchett
Hogfather
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!
- Lewis Carroll
Alice Through The Looking Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Haven't you ever heard of the saying, "If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!"?' --Lin
If you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!' --Ed
- Hiromu Arakawa
Fullmetal Alchemist, Vol. 14
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’m no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.
- Mark A. Cooper
Royal Decree
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That's brain tissue. How can you-?" Claire shut her mouth, fast. "Never mind. I don't think I wanna know."

"Truly, I think that's best. Please take it." He showed his teeth briefly in a very unsettling grin. "I'm giving you a piece of my mind."

"I so wish you hadn't said that.
- Rachel Caine
Feast of Fools
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to.
- George Saunders
The Braindead Megaphone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mine.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Love Among the Chickens
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do I look stupid?" snarled Uncle Vernon, a bit of fried egg dangling from his bushy mustache.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Babcock fidgeted with one of his cufflinks while staring down the remaining brokers in his office. He then delivered something akin to a pep talk in a severe tone. "... The world depends on our services. Services that must not be impeded. We don't break our backs producing things that have no real value—food, shelter, clothes ... art. No! We're titans of finance. We move intangible things and ideas around the world on digital platforms. No one else in the world can accumulate as much wealth as we do by simply moving around one and zeros on computers.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He tackled a woman's baby carriage. After the seven-month-old baby skidded across the pavement and began bawling his eyes out, Bill Brady started shouting at the toddler, 'What are you, a pussy? Walk it off! Walk it off!' After the mother shouted out her baby's age and how he wasn't able to walk yet, Bill Brady started barking in the vexed mother's face like she was a referee who had made a bad call.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed.
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We're being lead by an idiot with a crayon.
- Eoin Colfer
The Arctic Incident
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well you seemed too busy to call him a prat and I thought someone should.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My dad used to say that life's a journey, but somebody screwed up and lost the map.
- Rachel Caine
Kiss of Death
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better.
- Tom Robbins
Still Life with Woodpecker
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall!
- Aleister Crowley
Moonchild
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it.
- Rene Descartes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?
- Bill Hicks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Are you a female dog?"
"What?" Massie asked. "Why?"
"Because you are acting like a real bitch!
- Lisi Harrison
The Clique
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
why can't you see i'm a kid', said the kid.
Why try to make me like you?
Why are you hurt when I don't cuddle?
Why do you sigh when I splash through a puddle?
Why do you scream when I do what I did?
Im a kid.
- Shel Silverstein
Falling Up
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you didn't grow up like I did then you don't know, and if you don't know it's probably better you don't judge.
- Junot Díaz
The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hey, our hair's the same color," I said, eying us side by side in the mirror.

"Sure is, girlfriend." Eric grinned at me.
- Charlaine Harris
Living Dead in Dallas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some things are fairly obvious when it's a seven-foot skeleton with a scythe telling you them
- Terry Pratchett
Hogfather
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!
- Lewis Carroll
Alice Through The Looking Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Haven't you ever heard of the saying, "If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!"?' --Lin
If you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!' --Ed
- Hiromu Arakawa
Fullmetal Alchemist, Vol. 14
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’m no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.
- Mark A. Cooper
Royal Decree
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That's brain tissue. How can you-?" Claire shut her mouth, fast. "Never mind. I don't think I wanna know."

"Truly, I think that's best. Please take it." He showed his teeth briefly in a very unsettling grin. "I'm giving you a piece of my mind."

"I so wish you hadn't said that.
- Rachel Caine
Feast of Fools
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to.
- George Saunders
The Braindead Megaphone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mine.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Love Among the Chickens
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do I look stupid?" snarled Uncle Vernon, a bit of fried egg dangling from his bushy mustache.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Babcock fidgeted with one of his cufflinks while staring down the remaining brokers in his office. He then delivered something akin to a pep talk in a severe tone. "... The world depends on our services. Services that must not be impeded. We don't break our backs producing things that have no real value—food, shelter, clothes ... art. No! We're titans of finance. We move intangible things and ideas around the world on digital platforms. No one else in the world can accumulate as much wealth as we do by simply moving around one and zeros on computers.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He tackled a woman's baby carriage. After the seven-month-old baby skidded across the pavement and began bawling his eyes out, Bill Brady started shouting at the toddler, 'What are you, a pussy? Walk it off! Walk it off!' After the mother shouted out her baby's age and how he wasn't able to walk yet, Bill Brady started barking in the vexed mother's face like she was a referee who had made a bad call.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed.
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We're being lead by an idiot with a crayon.
- Eoin Colfer
The Arctic Incident
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well you seemed too busy to call him a prat and I thought someone should.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My dad used to say that life's a journey, but somebody screwed up and lost the map.
- Rachel Caine
Kiss of Death
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better.
- Tom Robbins
Still Life with Woodpecker
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall!
- Aleister Crowley
Moonchild
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it.
- Rene Descartes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?
- Bill Hicks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Are you a female dog?"
"What?" Massie asked. "Why?"
"Because you are acting like a real bitch!
- Lisi Harrison
The Clique
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
why can't you see i'm a kid', said the kid.
Why try to make me like you?
Why are you hurt when I don't cuddle?
Why do you sigh when I splash through a puddle?
Why do you scream when I do what I did?
Im a kid.
- Shel Silverstein
Falling Up
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you didn't grow up like I did then you don't know, and if you don't know it's probably better you don't judge.
- Junot Díaz
The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hey, our hair's the same color," I said, eying us side by side in the mirror.

"Sure is, girlfriend." Eric grinned at me.
- Charlaine Harris
Living Dead in Dallas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some things are fairly obvious when it's a seven-foot skeleton with a scythe telling you them
- Terry Pratchett
Hogfather
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!
- Lewis Carroll
Alice Through The Looking Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Haven't you ever heard of the saying, "If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!"?' --Lin
If you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!' --Ed
- Hiromu Arakawa
Fullmetal Alchemist, Vol. 14
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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