TOPICS
SPEAKERS
HOME
BROWSE TOPICS
BROWSE SPEAKERS

FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
...
47
48
49
50
51
 		...
A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They pulled apart when Keefe shouted, "YOU GUYS HAVE TO SEE THIS!"
They ran to the main room and found Keefe standing under the skylight, holding up Mr. Snuggles like it was a baby lion about to be made king. The sparkly red dragon twinkled almost as much as Keefe's eyes as he said, "I went in to check on our boy and found him cuddling with THIS!"
"Isn't that the same dragon Fitz brought to your house that one time?" Dex asked Sophie.
"WHAT?" Keefe shouted. "YOU KNEW AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?!"
"Mr. Snuggles wasn't my secret to share," Sophie said.
"IT'S NAME IS MR. SNUGGLES?! That is... I can't even..." Keefe ran back to Fitz's room shouting, "ARE YOU MISSING YOUR SNUGGLE BUDDY?!"
"Fitz is going to die of embarrassment, you know that, right?" Biana asked.
- Shannon Messenger
Neverseen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I still don't belong to anyone - I am mine.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal.
- T.S. Eliot
The Sacred Wood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Kira: L, do you know
Gods of death
love apples?

L: Damn you, Kira...
- Tsugumi Ohba
Death Note, Vol. 2: Confluence
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He had a bleeding cut on his leg and he smelled like shit.
Her nose wrinkled. "Step in something?" she asked innocently.
"That I did not mind." He took a menacing step toward her. "What I did mind was being hit by a cab, then landing on the lap of a naked man. With an erection, Anya. He had an erection.
- Gena Showalter
The Darkest Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
WATNEY: Look! A pair of boobs! -> (.Y.).
- Andy Weir
The Martian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There is a proverbial saying chiefly concerned with warning against too closely calculating the numerical value of un-hatched chicks.
- Neil Gaiman
Stardust
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I gave him my best cryptic smile. He did not fall down to his feet, kiss my shoes, and promise me the world. I must be getting rusty.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Bites
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Still it might be nice, once in a while, not to have to choose between evils. Just once, couldn't I choose the lesser good?
- Laurell K. Hamilton
Danse Macabre
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Fall off your own roof.
- Veronica Rossi
Under the Never Sky
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I get it,' said the prisoner. 'Good Cop, Bad Cop, eh?'
If you like.' said Vimes. 'But we're a bit short staffed here, so if I give you a cigarette would you mind kicking yourself in the teeth?
- Terry Pratchett
Night Watch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No single thing abides; and all things are fucked up.
- Philip K. Dick
The Transmigration of Timothy Archer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.
- Daniel Handler
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can knock on a deaf man's door forever.
- Nikos Kazantzakis
Zorba the Greek
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!
- Bill Hicks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Captain! To your left there’s a Lunar guard and on your right is a doctor who’s running tests on Lunars and I’m being held by one of Levana’s wolf hybrids and please be careful!”

Thorne took a step back into the hallway a gun from his waistband. He spent a moment swiveling the barrel of the gun in each direction, but nobody moved to attack him.

With some surprise, Cress realized that the operative’s grip had weakened.

“Er…” Thorne furrowed his brow, aiming the gun somewhere near the window. “Could you describe all those threats again because I feel like I missed something.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, "You named your breasts?"

I turned my back to him with a shrug. "I named my ovaries, too, but they don't get out as much.
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was supposed to be waiting up here when you got back, only your Phoenix lot got in the way...”
“Yes, they do that,” said Dumbledore.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He seemed only ... annoyed. Annoyed, and sweaty, and hot.
"Yeah, well," he said, "the next time you decide to sneak out of our magically warded apartment through a door that shouldn't really exist, leave a note.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's never just a game when you're winning.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A few seconds after he stepped out into the hallway and closed the door behind him, there was a fleshly smack and then Andrew yelling, “Ouch. What in the hell was that for?” “Your timing sucks on an epic level,” Daemon shot back.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Felix believed that the answer to every problem involved penguins; but it wasn't fair to birds, and I was getting tired of teleporting them back home. Somewhere in Antarctica, a whole flock of Magellanic penguins were undergoing psychotherapy.
- Rick Riordan
The Throne of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sensitive," I tried.

Sam translated: "Squishy."

"Creative."

"Dangerously emo."

"Thoughtful."

"Feng shui."

I laughed so hard I snorted. "How do you get feng shui out of 'thoughtful'?"

"You know, because in feng shui, you arrange furniture and plants and stuff in thoughtful ways." Sam shrugged. "To make you calm. Zenlike. Or something. I'm not one hundred percent sure how it all works, besides the thoughtful part.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They pulled apart when Keefe shouted, "YOU GUYS HAVE TO SEE THIS!"
They ran to the main room and found Keefe standing under the skylight, holding up Mr. Snuggles like it was a baby lion about to be made king. The sparkly red dragon twinkled almost as much as Keefe's eyes as he said, "I went in to check on our boy and found him cuddling with THIS!"
"Isn't that the same dragon Fitz brought to your house that one time?" Dex asked Sophie.
"WHAT?" Keefe shouted. "YOU KNEW AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?!"
"Mr. Snuggles wasn't my secret to share," Sophie said.
"IT'S NAME IS MR. SNUGGLES?! That is... I can't even..." Keefe ran back to Fitz's room shouting, "ARE YOU MISSING YOUR SNUGGLE BUDDY?!"
"Fitz is going to die of embarrassment, you know that, right?" Biana asked.
- Shannon Messenger
Neverseen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I still don't belong to anyone - I am mine.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal.
- T.S. Eliot
The Sacred Wood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Kira: L, do you know
Gods of death
love apples?

L: Damn you, Kira...
- Tsugumi Ohba
Death Note, Vol. 2: Confluence
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He had a bleeding cut on his leg and he smelled like shit.
Her nose wrinkled. "Step in something?" she asked innocently.
"That I did not mind." He took a menacing step toward her. "What I did mind was being hit by a cab, then landing on the lap of a naked man. With an erection, Anya. He had an erection.
- Gena Showalter
The Darkest Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
WATNEY: Look! A pair of boobs! -> (.Y.).
- Andy Weir
The Martian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There is a proverbial saying chiefly concerned with warning against too closely calculating the numerical value of un-hatched chicks.
- Neil Gaiman
Stardust
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I gave him my best cryptic smile. He did not fall down to his feet, kiss my shoes, and promise me the world. I must be getting rusty.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Bites
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Still it might be nice, once in a while, not to have to choose between evils. Just once, couldn't I choose the lesser good?
- Laurell K. Hamilton
Danse Macabre
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Fall off your own roof.
- Veronica Rossi
Under the Never Sky
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I get it,' said the prisoner. 'Good Cop, Bad Cop, eh?'
If you like.' said Vimes. 'But we're a bit short staffed here, so if I give you a cigarette would you mind kicking yourself in the teeth?
- Terry Pratchett
Night Watch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No single thing abides; and all things are fucked up.
- Philip K. Dick
The Transmigration of Timothy Archer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.
- Daniel Handler
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can knock on a deaf man's door forever.
- Nikos Kazantzakis
Zorba the Greek
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!
- Bill Hicks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Captain! To your left there’s a Lunar guard and on your right is a doctor who’s running tests on Lunars and I’m being held by one of Levana’s wolf hybrids and please be careful!”

Thorne took a step back into the hallway a gun from his waistband. He spent a moment swiveling the barrel of the gun in each direction, but nobody moved to attack him.

With some surprise, Cress realized that the operative’s grip had weakened.

“Er…” Thorne furrowed his brow, aiming the gun somewhere near the window. “Could you describe all those threats again because I feel like I missed something.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, "You named your breasts?"

I turned my back to him with a shrug. "I named my ovaries, too, but they don't get out as much.
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was supposed to be waiting up here when you got back, only your Phoenix lot got in the way...”
“Yes, they do that,” said Dumbledore.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He seemed only ... annoyed. Annoyed, and sweaty, and hot.
"Yeah, well," he said, "the next time you decide to sneak out of our magically warded apartment through a door that shouldn't really exist, leave a note.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's never just a game when you're winning.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A few seconds after he stepped out into the hallway and closed the door behind him, there was a fleshly smack and then Andrew yelling, “Ouch. What in the hell was that for?” “Your timing sucks on an epic level,” Daemon shot back.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Felix believed that the answer to every problem involved penguins; but it wasn't fair to birds, and I was getting tired of teleporting them back home. Somewhere in Antarctica, a whole flock of Magellanic penguins were undergoing psychotherapy.
- Rick Riordan
The Throne of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sensitive," I tried.

Sam translated: "Squishy."

"Creative."

"Dangerously emo."

"Thoughtful."

"Feng shui."

I laughed so hard I snorted. "How do you get feng shui out of 'thoughtful'?"

"You know, because in feng shui, you arrange furniture and plants and stuff in thoughtful ways." Sam shrugged. "To make you calm. Zenlike. Or something. I'm not one hundred percent sure how it all works, besides the thoughtful part.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They pulled apart when Keefe shouted, "YOU GUYS HAVE TO SEE THIS!"
They ran to the main room and found Keefe standing under the skylight, holding up Mr. Snuggles like it was a baby lion about to be made king. The sparkly red dragon twinkled almost as much as Keefe's eyes as he said, "I went in to check on our boy and found him cuddling with THIS!"
"Isn't that the same dragon Fitz brought to your house that one time?" Dex asked Sophie.
"WHAT?" Keefe shouted. "YOU KNEW AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?!"
"Mr. Snuggles wasn't my secret to share," Sophie said.
"IT'S NAME IS MR. SNUGGLES?! That is... I can't even..." Keefe ran back to Fitz's room shouting, "ARE YOU MISSING YOUR SNUGGLE BUDDY?!"
"Fitz is going to die of embarrassment, you know that, right?" Biana asked.
- Shannon Messenger
Neverseen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I still don't belong to anyone - I am mine.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal.
- T.S. Eliot
The Sacred Wood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Kira: L, do you know
Gods of death
love apples?

L: Damn you, Kira...
- Tsugumi Ohba
Death Note, Vol. 2: Confluence
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He had a bleeding cut on his leg and he smelled like shit.
Her nose wrinkled. "Step in something?" she asked innocently.
"That I did not mind." He took a menacing step toward her. "What I did mind was being hit by a cab, then landing on the lap of a naked man. With an erection, Anya. He had an erection.
- Gena Showalter
The Darkest Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
WATNEY: Look! A pair of boobs! -> (.Y.).
- Andy Weir
The Martian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There is a proverbial saying chiefly concerned with warning against too closely calculating the numerical value of un-hatched chicks.
- Neil Gaiman
Stardust
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I gave him my best cryptic smile. He did not fall down to his feet, kiss my shoes, and promise me the world. I must be getting rusty.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Bites
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Still it might be nice, once in a while, not to have to choose between evils. Just once, couldn't I choose the lesser good?
- Laurell K. Hamilton
Danse Macabre
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Fall off your own roof.
- Veronica Rossi
Under the Never Sky
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I get it,' said the prisoner. 'Good Cop, Bad Cop, eh?'
If you like.' said Vimes. 'But we're a bit short staffed here, so if I give you a cigarette would you mind kicking yourself in the teeth?
- Terry Pratchett
Night Watch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No single thing abides; and all things are fucked up.
- Philip K. Dick
The Transmigration of Timothy Archer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.
- Daniel Handler
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can knock on a deaf man's door forever.
- Nikos Kazantzakis
Zorba the Greek
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!
- Bill Hicks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Captain! To your left there’s a Lunar guard and on your right is a doctor who’s running tests on Lunars and I’m being held by one of Levana’s wolf hybrids and please be careful!”

Thorne took a step back into the hallway a gun from his waistband. He spent a moment swiveling the barrel of the gun in each direction, but nobody moved to attack him.

With some surprise, Cress realized that the operative’s grip had weakened.

“Er…” Thorne furrowed his brow, aiming the gun somewhere near the window. “Could you describe all those threats again because I feel like I missed something.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, "You named your breasts?"

I turned my back to him with a shrug. "I named my ovaries, too, but they don't get out as much.
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was supposed to be waiting up here when you got back, only your Phoenix lot got in the way...”
“Yes, they do that,” said Dumbledore.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He seemed only ... annoyed. Annoyed, and sweaty, and hot.
"Yeah, well," he said, "the next time you decide to sneak out of our magically warded apartment through a door that shouldn't really exist, leave a note.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's never just a game when you're winning.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A few seconds after he stepped out into the hallway and closed the door behind him, there was a fleshly smack and then Andrew yelling, “Ouch. What in the hell was that for?” “Your timing sucks on an epic level,” Daemon shot back.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Felix believed that the answer to every problem involved penguins; but it wasn't fair to birds, and I was getting tired of teleporting them back home. Somewhere in Antarctica, a whole flock of Magellanic penguins were undergoing psychotherapy.
- Rick Riordan
The Throne of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sensitive," I tried.

Sam translated: "Squishy."

"Creative."

"Dangerously emo."

"Thoughtful."

"Feng shui."

I laughed so hard I snorted. "How do you get feng shui out of 'thoughtful'?"

"You know, because in feng shui, you arrange furniture and plants and stuff in thoughtful ways." Sam shrugged. "To make you calm. Zenlike. Or something. I'm not one hundred percent sure how it all works, besides the thoughtful part.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...
47
48
49
50
51
 		...