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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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"A friend is someone who knows where all your bodies are buried. Because they're the ones who helped you put them there."
And sometimes, if you're really lucky, they help you dig them back up.
- Jenny Lawson
Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir
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Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants.
- Karl Lagerfeld
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English―it is the modern way and the best way. Stick to it; don't let fluff and flowers and verbosity creep in. When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them―then the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they are wide apart. An adjective habit, or a wordy, diffuse, flowery habit, once fastened upon a person, is as hard to get rid of as any other vice.
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I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.
- Sherrilyn Kenyon
Invincible
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So." [Isobel] cleared her throat. "What are we doing?"

"We," [Varen] said at last, "are doing a project on Poe."

"Didn't he marry his cousin or something?"

"The man is a literary god and that's all you have to say?
- Kelly Creagh
Nevermore
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What’s not so great is that all this technology is destroying our social skills. Not only have we given up on writing letters to each other, we barely even talk to each other. People have become so accustomed to texting that they’re actually startled when the phone rings. It’s like we suddenly all have Batphones. If it rings, there must be danger.

Now we answer, “What happened? Is someone tied up in the old sawmill?”

“No, it’s Becky. I just called to say hi.”

“Well you scared me half to death. You can’t just pick up the phone and try to talk to me like that. Don’t the tips of your fingers work?
- Ellen DeGeneres
Seriously... I'm Kidding
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why do people always expect authors to answer questions? I am an author because I want to ask questions. If I had answers, I'd be a politician.
- Eugene Ionesco
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You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.
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We'd spent maybe ten minutes together, during which time I'd accidentally swung a sword at her, she'd saved my life, and I'd run away chased by a band of supernatural killing machines. You know, your typical chance meeting.
- Rick Riordan
The Battle of the Labyrinth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm a werewolf trapped in a human body."
"Well, yeah, that's kind of the definition."
"No, really. I'm trapped."
"Oh? When was the last time you shape-shifted?"
"That's just it - I've never shape-shifted."
"So you're not really a werewolf."
"Not yet. But I was meant to be one, I just know it. How do I get a werewolf to attack me?"
Stand in the middle of a forest under a full moon with a raw steak tied to your face, holding a sign that says, 'Eat me; I'm stupid'?
- Carrie Vaughn
Kitty and the Midnight Hour
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An artist is somebody who produces things that people don't need to have.
- Andy Warhol
Andy Warhol
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I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
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The road to enlightenment is long and difficult, and you should try not to forget snacks and magazines.
- Anne Lamott
Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He’s a love-’em-and-leave-’em kind of guy. And though he’s not a Lord, he does have a curse hanging over his head. I have the book to prove it.”
William growled low in his throat. “Anya! Must you share my secrets with everyone?” He flattened his palms on the arms of his chair. “Fine. If you can spill, I can, too. Anya’s the reason the Titanic sank. She was playing chicken with the icebergs.”
Scowling, Anya anchored her hands on her hips. “William had a bronze made of his penis and placed it on his mantel.
- Gena Showalter
The Darkest Whisper
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Dont ruin my balls!" She laughs as the words leave her mouth.
Better yours than mine, chica." I toss the dough balls at her, one by one, until I've got none left.
- Simone Elkeles
Rules of Attraction
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Someday is not a day of the week.
- Janet Dailey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've been clinically diagnosed with sociopathy,' I said. 'Do you know what that means?'
'It means you're a freak,' he said.
'It means that you're about as important to me as a cardboard box,' I said. 'You're just a thing - a piece of garbage that no one's thrown away yet. Is that what you want me to say?'
'Shut up,' said Rob. He was still acting tough, but I could see his bluster was starting to fail. He didn't know what to say.
'The thing about boxes,' I said, 'is that you can open them up. Even though they're completely boring on the outside, there might be something interesting inside. So while you're saying all of these stupid, boring things I'm imagining what it would be like to cut you open and see what you've got in there.
- Dan Wells
I Am Not a Serial Killer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
- George W. Bush
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Paris answered for him. "Last time he spread the flashing love, Reyes threw up all over his shirt. I never laughed so hard in my life. Lucien, though, has no sense of humor and vowed never to take us again."
"I'm surprised you didn't mention the part where you fainted," Lucien said wryly.
Strider chortled. "Oh, man. You fainted? What a baby!"
"Hey," Paris said, frowning at Lucien. "I told you I hit my head midflash."

Lucien
- Gena Showalter
The Darkest Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am prone to envy. It is one of my three default emotions, the others being greed and rage. I have also experienced compassion and generosity, but only fleetingly and usually while drunk, so I have little memory.
- Augusten Burroughs
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People usually asked her if she had a belly button. Of course she had a belly button. She couldn't explain how. She didn't really want to know.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What's that supposed to mean? A wolf's head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight? Bring your own wolf?
- Eoin Colfer
The Lost Colony
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I'll let you know," Simon was getting fed up. "Look, did you actually ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I'm something in a petrie dish? Next time I'll send you a photo."

"And I'll frame it and put it on my nightstand," Jace said, but he didn't sound as if his heart was in the sarcasm. "Look, I asked you here for a reason, not to stare at you. Much as I hate to admit it, vampire, we have something in common."

"Totally awesome hair?" Simon suggested
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"A friend is someone who knows where all your bodies are buried. Because they're the ones who helped you put them there."
And sometimes, if you're really lucky, they help you dig them back up.
- Jenny Lawson
Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants.
- Karl Lagerfeld
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English―it is the modern way and the best way. Stick to it; don't let fluff and flowers and verbosity creep in. When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them―then the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they are wide apart. An adjective habit, or a wordy, diffuse, flowery habit, once fastened upon a person, is as hard to get rid of as any other vice.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.
- Sherrilyn Kenyon
Invincible
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So." [Isobel] cleared her throat. "What are we doing?"

"We," [Varen] said at last, "are doing a project on Poe."

"Didn't he marry his cousin or something?"

"The man is a literary god and that's all you have to say?
- Kelly Creagh
Nevermore
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What’s not so great is that all this technology is destroying our social skills. Not only have we given up on writing letters to each other, we barely even talk to each other. People have become so accustomed to texting that they’re actually startled when the phone rings. It’s like we suddenly all have Batphones. If it rings, there must be danger.

Now we answer, “What happened? Is someone tied up in the old sawmill?”

“No, it’s Becky. I just called to say hi.”

“Well you scared me half to death. You can’t just pick up the phone and try to talk to me like that. Don’t the tips of your fingers work?
- Ellen DeGeneres
Seriously... I'm Kidding
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why do people always expect authors to answer questions? I am an author because I want to ask questions. If I had answers, I'd be a politician.
- Eugene Ionesco
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We'd spent maybe ten minutes together, during which time I'd accidentally swung a sword at her, she'd saved my life, and I'd run away chased by a band of supernatural killing machines. You know, your typical chance meeting.
- Rick Riordan
The Battle of the Labyrinth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm a werewolf trapped in a human body."
"Well, yeah, that's kind of the definition."
"No, really. I'm trapped."
"Oh? When was the last time you shape-shifted?"
"That's just it - I've never shape-shifted."
"So you're not really a werewolf."
"Not yet. But I was meant to be one, I just know it. How do I get a werewolf to attack me?"
Stand in the middle of a forest under a full moon with a raw steak tied to your face, holding a sign that says, 'Eat me; I'm stupid'?
- Carrie Vaughn
Kitty and the Midnight Hour
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An artist is somebody who produces things that people don't need to have.
- Andy Warhol
Andy Warhol
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The road to enlightenment is long and difficult, and you should try not to forget snacks and magazines.
- Anne Lamott
Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He’s a love-’em-and-leave-’em kind of guy. And though he’s not a Lord, he does have a curse hanging over his head. I have the book to prove it.”
William growled low in his throat. “Anya! Must you share my secrets with everyone?” He flattened his palms on the arms of his chair. “Fine. If you can spill, I can, too. Anya’s the reason the Titanic sank. She was playing chicken with the icebergs.”
Scowling, Anya anchored her hands on her hips. “William had a bronze made of his penis and placed it on his mantel.
- Gena Showalter
The Darkest Whisper
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Dont ruin my balls!" She laughs as the words leave her mouth.
Better yours than mine, chica." I toss the dough balls at her, one by one, until I've got none left.
- Simone Elkeles
Rules of Attraction
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Someday is not a day of the week.
- Janet Dailey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've been clinically diagnosed with sociopathy,' I said. 'Do you know what that means?'
'It means you're a freak,' he said.
'It means that you're about as important to me as a cardboard box,' I said. 'You're just a thing - a piece of garbage that no one's thrown away yet. Is that what you want me to say?'
'Shut up,' said Rob. He was still acting tough, but I could see his bluster was starting to fail. He didn't know what to say.
'The thing about boxes,' I said, 'is that you can open them up. Even though they're completely boring on the outside, there might be something interesting inside. So while you're saying all of these stupid, boring things I'm imagining what it would be like to cut you open and see what you've got in there.
- Dan Wells
I Am Not a Serial Killer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
- George W. Bush
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Paris answered for him. "Last time he spread the flashing love, Reyes threw up all over his shirt. I never laughed so hard in my life. Lucien, though, has no sense of humor and vowed never to take us again."
"I'm surprised you didn't mention the part where you fainted," Lucien said wryly.
Strider chortled. "Oh, man. You fainted? What a baby!"
"Hey," Paris said, frowning at Lucien. "I told you I hit my head midflash."

Lucien
- Gena Showalter
The Darkest Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am prone to envy. It is one of my three default emotions, the others being greed and rage. I have also experienced compassion and generosity, but only fleetingly and usually while drunk, so I have little memory.
- Augusten Burroughs
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People usually asked her if she had a belly button. Of course she had a belly button. She couldn't explain how. She didn't really want to know.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What's that supposed to mean? A wolf's head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight? Bring your own wolf?
- Eoin Colfer
The Lost Colony
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I'll let you know," Simon was getting fed up. "Look, did you actually ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I'm something in a petrie dish? Next time I'll send you a photo."

"And I'll frame it and put it on my nightstand," Jace said, but he didn't sound as if his heart was in the sarcasm. "Look, I asked you here for a reason, not to stare at you. Much as I hate to admit it, vampire, we have something in common."

"Totally awesome hair?" Simon suggested
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"A friend is someone who knows where all your bodies are buried. Because they're the ones who helped you put them there."
And sometimes, if you're really lucky, they help you dig them back up.
- Jenny Lawson
Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants.
- Karl Lagerfeld
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English―it is the modern way and the best way. Stick to it; don't let fluff and flowers and verbosity creep in. When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them―then the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they are wide apart. An adjective habit, or a wordy, diffuse, flowery habit, once fastened upon a person, is as hard to get rid of as any other vice.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.
- Sherrilyn Kenyon
Invincible
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So." [Isobel] cleared her throat. "What are we doing?"

"We," [Varen] said at last, "are doing a project on Poe."

"Didn't he marry his cousin or something?"

"The man is a literary god and that's all you have to say?
- Kelly Creagh
Nevermore
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What’s not so great is that all this technology is destroying our social skills. Not only have we given up on writing letters to each other, we barely even talk to each other. People have become so accustomed to texting that they’re actually startled when the phone rings. It’s like we suddenly all have Batphones. If it rings, there must be danger.

Now we answer, “What happened? Is someone tied up in the old sawmill?”

“No, it’s Becky. I just called to say hi.”

“Well you scared me half to death. You can’t just pick up the phone and try to talk to me like that. Don’t the tips of your fingers work?
- Ellen DeGeneres
Seriously... I'm Kidding
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why do people always expect authors to answer questions? I am an author because I want to ask questions. If I had answers, I'd be a politician.
- Eugene Ionesco
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We'd spent maybe ten minutes together, during which time I'd accidentally swung a sword at her, she'd saved my life, and I'd run away chased by a band of supernatural killing machines. You know, your typical chance meeting.
- Rick Riordan
The Battle of the Labyrinth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm a werewolf trapped in a human body."
"Well, yeah, that's kind of the definition."
"No, really. I'm trapped."
"Oh? When was the last time you shape-shifted?"
"That's just it - I've never shape-shifted."
"So you're not really a werewolf."
"Not yet. But I was meant to be one, I just know it. How do I get a werewolf to attack me?"
Stand in the middle of a forest under a full moon with a raw steak tied to your face, holding a sign that says, 'Eat me; I'm stupid'?
- Carrie Vaughn
Kitty and the Midnight Hour
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An artist is somebody who produces things that people don't need to have.
- Andy Warhol
Andy Warhol
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The road to enlightenment is long and difficult, and you should try not to forget snacks and magazines.
- Anne Lamott
Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He’s a love-’em-and-leave-’em kind of guy. And though he’s not a Lord, he does have a curse hanging over his head. I have the book to prove it.”
William growled low in his throat. “Anya! Must you share my secrets with everyone?” He flattened his palms on the arms of his chair. “Fine. If you can spill, I can, too. Anya’s the reason the Titanic sank. She was playing chicken with the icebergs.”
Scowling, Anya anchored her hands on her hips. “William had a bronze made of his penis and placed it on his mantel.
- Gena Showalter
The Darkest Whisper
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Dont ruin my balls!" She laughs as the words leave her mouth.
Better yours than mine, chica." I toss the dough balls at her, one by one, until I've got none left.
- Simone Elkeles
Rules of Attraction
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Someday is not a day of the week.
- Janet Dailey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've been clinically diagnosed with sociopathy,' I said. 'Do you know what that means?'
'It means you're a freak,' he said.
'It means that you're about as important to me as a cardboard box,' I said. 'You're just a thing - a piece of garbage that no one's thrown away yet. Is that what you want me to say?'
'Shut up,' said Rob. He was still acting tough, but I could see his bluster was starting to fail. He didn't know what to say.
'The thing about boxes,' I said, 'is that you can open them up. Even though they're completely boring on the outside, there might be something interesting inside. So while you're saying all of these stupid, boring things I'm imagining what it would be like to cut you open and see what you've got in there.
- Dan Wells
I Am Not a Serial Killer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
- George W. Bush
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Paris answered for him. "Last time he spread the flashing love, Reyes threw up all over his shirt. I never laughed so hard in my life. Lucien, though, has no sense of humor and vowed never to take us again."
"I'm surprised you didn't mention the part where you fainted," Lucien said wryly.
Strider chortled. "Oh, man. You fainted? What a baby!"
"Hey," Paris said, frowning at Lucien. "I told you I hit my head midflash."

Lucien
- Gena Showalter
The Darkest Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am prone to envy. It is one of my three default emotions, the others being greed and rage. I have also experienced compassion and generosity, but only fleetingly and usually while drunk, so I have little memory.
- Augusten Burroughs
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People usually asked her if she had a belly button. Of course she had a belly button. She couldn't explain how. She didn't really want to know.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What's that supposed to mean? A wolf's head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight? Bring your own wolf?
- Eoin Colfer
The Lost Colony
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I'll let you know," Simon was getting fed up. "Look, did you actually ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I'm something in a petrie dish? Next time I'll send you a photo."

"And I'll frame it and put it on my nightstand," Jace said, but he didn't sound as if his heart was in the sarcasm. "Look, I asked you here for a reason, not to stare at you. Much as I hate to admit it, vampire, we have something in common."

"Totally awesome hair?" Simon suggested
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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49
50
51
52
 		...