TOPICS
SPEAKERS
HOME
BROWSE TOPICS
BROWSE SPEAKERS

FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
...
49
50
51
52
53
 		...
I penetrated the outer cell membrane with a nanosyringe."
"You poked it with a stick?"
"No!" I said. "Well. Yes. But it was a scientific poke with a very scientific stick.
- Andy Weir
Project Hail Mary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes, men are pigs. Except your brother, of course. He's actually a decent human being. Almost a woman.

-Jillian's mother
- Gena Showalter
Catch a Mate
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My formula for life is very simple: in the morning, wake up; at night, go to sleep. In between I try and occupy myself as best I can.
- Cary Grant
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
On some days you get what you want, and on others, you get what you need.
- Hunter S. Thompson
Kingdom of Fear: Loathsome Secrets of a Star-Crossed Child in the Final Days of the American Century
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Believe me, It would be better if we didn't meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you're still a child.
- Anthony Horowitz
Stormbreaker
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Um, because you're loopier than Flacky McPsycho, Mayor of Crazytown?"

"My databases show no record of this Crazytown of which you speak. A brain the size of an entire city burns inside me. My intelligence quotient is beyond the human scale. I would prefer if you did not refer to me in such a fashion."

"Oh, poor baby. Did I hurt the mass-murdering psychopathic artificial intelligence's feelings?
- Amie Kaufman
Illuminae
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I tried to contain myself... but I escaped!
- Gary Paulsen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You did not just say that. I have a feeling we're on the verge of hugging and coming up with cute nicknames for each other.
- Richelle Mead
Shadow Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.
- Christopher Moore
Practical Demonkeeping
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Cause I'm Irish, and everyone remembers me.
- Niall Horan
One Direction: Forever Young: Our Official X Factor Story
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Civilization is vastly overrated.
- Patricia Briggs
On the Prowl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Me," Artemis blurted. "I'm the nut."
Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before bringing the five-ton chunk of spacecraft swinging down toward the morsel of meat in its blue shell.
"I'm the nut!" Artemis shouted again, a little hysterically, it must be said.
- Eoin Colfer
The Atlantis Complex
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It was impossible to get the Dimitri and Tasha thing out of my head, but at least packing and getting ready made sure I didn't devote 100 percent of my brain power to him. More like 95 percent.
- Richelle Mead
Frostbite
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I never understood how men could remember all those details about sports but, yet, were incapable of remembering where they set their car keys or wallet.
- Tina Reber
Love Unscripted
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Harry Dresden. Saving the world, one act of random destruction at a time.
- Jim Butcher
Mean Streets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razorstrap. A thing book is useful to stick under a table with a broken caster to steady it. A large, flat atlas can be used to cover a window with a broken pane. And a thick, old-fashioned heavy book with a clasp is the finest thing in the world to throw at a noisy cat.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is the iron." Grimalkin picked his way over a puddle, then leaped atop a fallen tree, shaking out his paws."This close to the false king's realm, his influence is stronger that ever. It will be worse once you are actually within its borders."
Puck snorted."Doesn't seem like it's affecting you much, Cat."
That is because I am smarter than you and prepare for these things."
"Really? How would you prepare for me tossing you into a lake?
- Julie Kagawa
The Iron Queen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You think I'd cheat on you?" I demanded with all the innocent outrage I could muster.

"With another guy, no. With a cheeseburger . . . in a heartbeat.
- Lisa Kleypas
Smooth Talking Stranger
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A telkhine was hunched over a console, but he was so involved with his work, he didn't notice us. He was about five feet tall, with slick black seal fur and stubby little feet. He had the head of a Doberman, but his clawed hands were almost human. He growled and muttered as he tapped on his keyboard. Maybe he was messaging his friends on uglyface.com.
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Holly's theory about the army," Sharon explained.
And what is it?" Denise asked, intrigued.
Oh, that fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
- Cecelia Ahern
PS, I Love You
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Kalle Fucking Blomkvist
- Stieg Larsson
The Girl Who Played with Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I penetrated the outer cell membrane with a nanosyringe."
"You poked it with a stick?"
"No!" I said. "Well. Yes. But it was a scientific poke with a very scientific stick.
- Andy Weir
Project Hail Mary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes, men are pigs. Except your brother, of course. He's actually a decent human being. Almost a woman.

-Jillian's mother
- Gena Showalter
Catch a Mate
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My formula for life is very simple: in the morning, wake up; at night, go to sleep. In between I try and occupy myself as best I can.
- Cary Grant
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
On some days you get what you want, and on others, you get what you need.
- Hunter S. Thompson
Kingdom of Fear: Loathsome Secrets of a Star-Crossed Child in the Final Days of the American Century
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Believe me, It would be better if we didn't meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you're still a child.
- Anthony Horowitz
Stormbreaker
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Um, because you're loopier than Flacky McPsycho, Mayor of Crazytown?"

"My databases show no record of this Crazytown of which you speak. A brain the size of an entire city burns inside me. My intelligence quotient is beyond the human scale. I would prefer if you did not refer to me in such a fashion."

"Oh, poor baby. Did I hurt the mass-murdering psychopathic artificial intelligence's feelings?
- Amie Kaufman
Illuminae
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I tried to contain myself... but I escaped!
- Gary Paulsen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You did not just say that. I have a feeling we're on the verge of hugging and coming up with cute nicknames for each other.
- Richelle Mead
Shadow Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.
- Christopher Moore
Practical Demonkeeping
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Cause I'm Irish, and everyone remembers me.
- Niall Horan
One Direction: Forever Young: Our Official X Factor Story
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Civilization is vastly overrated.
- Patricia Briggs
On the Prowl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Me," Artemis blurted. "I'm the nut."
Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before bringing the five-ton chunk of spacecraft swinging down toward the morsel of meat in its blue shell.
"I'm the nut!" Artemis shouted again, a little hysterically, it must be said.
- Eoin Colfer
The Atlantis Complex
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It was impossible to get the Dimitri and Tasha thing out of my head, but at least packing and getting ready made sure I didn't devote 100 percent of my brain power to him. More like 95 percent.
- Richelle Mead
Frostbite
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I never understood how men could remember all those details about sports but, yet, were incapable of remembering where they set their car keys or wallet.
- Tina Reber
Love Unscripted
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Harry Dresden. Saving the world, one act of random destruction at a time.
- Jim Butcher
Mean Streets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razorstrap. A thing book is useful to stick under a table with a broken caster to steady it. A large, flat atlas can be used to cover a window with a broken pane. And a thick, old-fashioned heavy book with a clasp is the finest thing in the world to throw at a noisy cat.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is the iron." Grimalkin picked his way over a puddle, then leaped atop a fallen tree, shaking out his paws."This close to the false king's realm, his influence is stronger that ever. It will be worse once you are actually within its borders."
Puck snorted."Doesn't seem like it's affecting you much, Cat."
That is because I am smarter than you and prepare for these things."
"Really? How would you prepare for me tossing you into a lake?
- Julie Kagawa
The Iron Queen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You think I'd cheat on you?" I demanded with all the innocent outrage I could muster.

"With another guy, no. With a cheeseburger . . . in a heartbeat.
- Lisa Kleypas
Smooth Talking Stranger
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A telkhine was hunched over a console, but he was so involved with his work, he didn't notice us. He was about five feet tall, with slick black seal fur and stubby little feet. He had the head of a Doberman, but his clawed hands were almost human. He growled and muttered as he tapped on his keyboard. Maybe he was messaging his friends on uglyface.com.
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Holly's theory about the army," Sharon explained.
And what is it?" Denise asked, intrigued.
Oh, that fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
- Cecelia Ahern
PS, I Love You
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Kalle Fucking Blomkvist
- Stieg Larsson
The Girl Who Played with Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I penetrated the outer cell membrane with a nanosyringe."
"You poked it with a stick?"
"No!" I said. "Well. Yes. But it was a scientific poke with a very scientific stick.
- Andy Weir
Project Hail Mary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes, men are pigs. Except your brother, of course. He's actually a decent human being. Almost a woman.

-Jillian's mother
- Gena Showalter
Catch a Mate
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My formula for life is very simple: in the morning, wake up; at night, go to sleep. In between I try and occupy myself as best I can.
- Cary Grant
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
On some days you get what you want, and on others, you get what you need.
- Hunter S. Thompson
Kingdom of Fear: Loathsome Secrets of a Star-Crossed Child in the Final Days of the American Century
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Believe me, It would be better if we didn't meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you're still a child.
- Anthony Horowitz
Stormbreaker
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Um, because you're loopier than Flacky McPsycho, Mayor of Crazytown?"

"My databases show no record of this Crazytown of which you speak. A brain the size of an entire city burns inside me. My intelligence quotient is beyond the human scale. I would prefer if you did not refer to me in such a fashion."

"Oh, poor baby. Did I hurt the mass-murdering psychopathic artificial intelligence's feelings?
- Amie Kaufman
Illuminae
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I tried to contain myself... but I escaped!
- Gary Paulsen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You did not just say that. I have a feeling we're on the verge of hugging and coming up with cute nicknames for each other.
- Richelle Mead
Shadow Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.
- Christopher Moore
Practical Demonkeeping
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Cause I'm Irish, and everyone remembers me.
- Niall Horan
One Direction: Forever Young: Our Official X Factor Story
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Civilization is vastly overrated.
- Patricia Briggs
On the Prowl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Me," Artemis blurted. "I'm the nut."
Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before bringing the five-ton chunk of spacecraft swinging down toward the morsel of meat in its blue shell.
"I'm the nut!" Artemis shouted again, a little hysterically, it must be said.
- Eoin Colfer
The Atlantis Complex
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It was impossible to get the Dimitri and Tasha thing out of my head, but at least packing and getting ready made sure I didn't devote 100 percent of my brain power to him. More like 95 percent.
- Richelle Mead
Frostbite
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I never understood how men could remember all those details about sports but, yet, were incapable of remembering where they set their car keys or wallet.
- Tina Reber
Love Unscripted
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Harry Dresden. Saving the world, one act of random destruction at a time.
- Jim Butcher
Mean Streets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razorstrap. A thing book is useful to stick under a table with a broken caster to steady it. A large, flat atlas can be used to cover a window with a broken pane. And a thick, old-fashioned heavy book with a clasp is the finest thing in the world to throw at a noisy cat.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is the iron." Grimalkin picked his way over a puddle, then leaped atop a fallen tree, shaking out his paws."This close to the false king's realm, his influence is stronger that ever. It will be worse once you are actually within its borders."
Puck snorted."Doesn't seem like it's affecting you much, Cat."
That is because I am smarter than you and prepare for these things."
"Really? How would you prepare for me tossing you into a lake?
- Julie Kagawa
The Iron Queen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You think I'd cheat on you?" I demanded with all the innocent outrage I could muster.

"With another guy, no. With a cheeseburger . . . in a heartbeat.
- Lisa Kleypas
Smooth Talking Stranger
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A telkhine was hunched over a console, but he was so involved with his work, he didn't notice us. He was about five feet tall, with slick black seal fur and stubby little feet. He had the head of a Doberman, but his clawed hands were almost human. He growled and muttered as he tapped on his keyboard. Maybe he was messaging his friends on uglyface.com.
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Holly's theory about the army," Sharon explained.
And what is it?" Denise asked, intrigued.
Oh, that fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
- Cecelia Ahern
PS, I Love You
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Kalle Fucking Blomkvist
- Stieg Larsson
The Girl Who Played with Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...
49
50
51
52
53
 		...