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Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.
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Young people, nowadays, imagine that money is everything.

Yes, murmured Lord Henry, settling his button-hole in his coat; and when they grow older they know it.
- Oscar Wilde
The Picture of Dorian Gray and Other Writings
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You teach combat, I guess.”

Aphros threw up his hands in exasperation. “Why does everyone assume that?”

Leo glanced at the massive sword on the fish-guy’s back. “Uh, I don’t know.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
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Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. I love loopholes.
- Bill Watterson
There's Treasure Everywhere
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You are evidence of your mother's strength, especially if you are a rebellious knucklehead and regardless she has always maintained her sanity.
- Criss Jami
Killosophy
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If anger were mileage, I'd be a very frequent flyer, right up there in First Class.
- Gina Barreca
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Why?' is always the most difficult question to answer. You know where you are when someone asks you 'What's the time?' or 'When was the battle of 1066?' or 'How do these seatbelts work that go tight when you slam the brakes on, Daddy?' The answers are easy and are, respectively, 'Seven-thirty in the evening,' 'Ten-fifteen in the morning,' and 'Don't ask stupid questions.
- Douglas Adams
The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time
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I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
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When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five, I was just alive.
But now I am Six, I'm as clever as clever,
So I think I'll be six now for ever and ever.
- A.A. Milne
Now We Are Six
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Victor patted my hand. 'I like you, Sky. You're a fighter.'
'I am, aren't I? Hear that, Zed? No more bambi comparisons. I'm a Rottweiler -with a temper.'
'A very small Rottweiler,' said Zed, still not convinced.
- Joss Stirling
Finding Sky
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.
- Cynthia Hand
Unearthly
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The heart has a heart of its own.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Please welcome Professor Varen Nethers, famous depressed dead poets historian and author of the bestselling books Unlocking your Poe-tential: A Writer's Guide, and Mo Poe Fo Yo: When You Just Can't Get Enough.
- Kelly Creagh
Nevermore
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Of all the crap, crap, crappy nights I've ever had in the whole of my crap life. On a scale of one to 10, we're talking...a minus 6. And it's not like I even have very high standards.
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Of course ." A wicked gleam entered his eyes. "But I only turn girls into salamanders on Tuesdays. Luckily for you, it´s a Wednesday, which is the day I drink a goblet of orphan´s blood for supper.
- Margaret Rogerson
Sorcery of Thorns
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
- Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang
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Log Entry: SOL 118

My conversation with NASA about the Water Reclaimer was boring and riddled with technical details. So I'll paraphrase for you:

Me: "This is obviously a clog. How about I take it apart and check the internal tubing?"

NASA: (After about 5 hours of deliberation) "No. You'll fuck it up and die."

So I took it apart.
- Andy Weir
The Martian
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You can read minds, and you didn't tell me?” Link stared at me like he just found out I was the Silver Surfer. He rubbed his head nervously. “Hey, man, all that stuff about Lena? I was yankin’ your chain.” He looked away. “Are you doin’ it now? You're doin’ it, aren't you? Dude, get out of my head.” He backed away from me and into the bookshelf.

“I can't read your mind, you idiot.
- Kami Garcia
Beautiful Darkness
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I remembered a piece of sisterly advice, which Feely once gave Daffy and me:
"If ever you're accosted by a man," she'd said, "kick him in the Casanovas and run like blue blazes!"
Although it had sounded at the time like a useful bit of intelligence, the only problem was that I didn't know where the Casanovas were located.
I'd have to think of something else.
- Alan Bradley
The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Then why are you here?” Emma demanded. “Oh, is this one of those missed-connections things? We met the other night, you felt a spark? Sorry, but I don’t date trees.”

“I am not a tree.” Iarlath looked angry, his bark peeling slightly.
- Cassandra Clare
Lady Midnight
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I happen to be immature, undisciplined, and self-centered, pretty much a little boy in a man's body, although I'd appreciate it if you didn't quote me on that.

-Bobby Tom
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Amy, Dan, and Nellie were sitting at a table in a conference room, examining reproductions of Franklin documents-some so rare, the librarians told her, the only copies existed in Paris.
"Yeah, here's a rare grocery list," Dan muttered. "Wow.
- Rick Riordan
The Maze of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do you realize how hard it is to keep your mind clear when somebody’s telling you to keep your mind clear?
- Tom Upton
Just Plain Weird
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In the words of the philosopher Sceptum, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this?
- Terry Pratchett
Night Watch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Young people, nowadays, imagine that money is everything.

Yes, murmured Lord Henry, settling his button-hole in his coat; and when they grow older they know it.
- Oscar Wilde
The Picture of Dorian Gray and Other Writings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You teach combat, I guess.”

Aphros threw up his hands in exasperation. “Why does everyone assume that?”

Leo glanced at the massive sword on the fish-guy’s back. “Uh, I don’t know.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. I love loopholes.
- Bill Watterson
There's Treasure Everywhere
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You are evidence of your mother's strength, especially if you are a rebellious knucklehead and regardless she has always maintained her sanity.
- Criss Jami
Killosophy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If anger were mileage, I'd be a very frequent flyer, right up there in First Class.
- Gina Barreca
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why?' is always the most difficult question to answer. You know where you are when someone asks you 'What's the time?' or 'When was the battle of 1066?' or 'How do these seatbelts work that go tight when you slam the brakes on, Daddy?' The answers are easy and are, respectively, 'Seven-thirty in the evening,' 'Ten-fifteen in the morning,' and 'Don't ask stupid questions.
- Douglas Adams
The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five, I was just alive.
But now I am Six, I'm as clever as clever,
So I think I'll be six now for ever and ever.
- A.A. Milne
Now We Are Six
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Victor patted my hand. 'I like you, Sky. You're a fighter.'
'I am, aren't I? Hear that, Zed? No more bambi comparisons. I'm a Rottweiler -with a temper.'
'A very small Rottweiler,' said Zed, still not convinced.
- Joss Stirling
Finding Sky
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.
- Cynthia Hand
Unearthly
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The heart has a heart of its own.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Please welcome Professor Varen Nethers, famous depressed dead poets historian and author of the bestselling books Unlocking your Poe-tential: A Writer's Guide, and Mo Poe Fo Yo: When You Just Can't Get Enough.
- Kelly Creagh
Nevermore
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Of all the crap, crap, crappy nights I've ever had in the whole of my crap life. On a scale of one to 10, we're talking...a minus 6. And it's not like I even have very high standards.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Of course ." A wicked gleam entered his eyes. "But I only turn girls into salamanders on Tuesdays. Luckily for you, it´s a Wednesday, which is the day I drink a goblet of orphan´s blood for supper.
- Margaret Rogerson
Sorcery of Thorns
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
- Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Log Entry: SOL 118

My conversation with NASA about the Water Reclaimer was boring and riddled with technical details. So I'll paraphrase for you:

Me: "This is obviously a clog. How about I take it apart and check the internal tubing?"

NASA: (After about 5 hours of deliberation) "No. You'll fuck it up and die."

So I took it apart.
- Andy Weir
The Martian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can read minds, and you didn't tell me?” Link stared at me like he just found out I was the Silver Surfer. He rubbed his head nervously. “Hey, man, all that stuff about Lena? I was yankin’ your chain.” He looked away. “Are you doin’ it now? You're doin’ it, aren't you? Dude, get out of my head.” He backed away from me and into the bookshelf.

“I can't read your mind, you idiot.
- Kami Garcia
Beautiful Darkness
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I remembered a piece of sisterly advice, which Feely once gave Daffy and me:
"If ever you're accosted by a man," she'd said, "kick him in the Casanovas and run like blue blazes!"
Although it had sounded at the time like a useful bit of intelligence, the only problem was that I didn't know where the Casanovas were located.
I'd have to think of something else.
- Alan Bradley
The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Then why are you here?” Emma demanded. “Oh, is this one of those missed-connections things? We met the other night, you felt a spark? Sorry, but I don’t date trees.”

“I am not a tree.” Iarlath looked angry, his bark peeling slightly.
- Cassandra Clare
Lady Midnight
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I happen to be immature, undisciplined, and self-centered, pretty much a little boy in a man's body, although I'd appreciate it if you didn't quote me on that.

-Bobby Tom
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Amy, Dan, and Nellie were sitting at a table in a conference room, examining reproductions of Franklin documents-some so rare, the librarians told her, the only copies existed in Paris.
"Yeah, here's a rare grocery list," Dan muttered. "Wow.
- Rick Riordan
The Maze of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do you realize how hard it is to keep your mind clear when somebody’s telling you to keep your mind clear?
- Tom Upton
Just Plain Weird
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In the words of the philosopher Sceptum, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this?
- Terry Pratchett
Night Watch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Young people, nowadays, imagine that money is everything.

Yes, murmured Lord Henry, settling his button-hole in his coat; and when they grow older they know it.
- Oscar Wilde
The Picture of Dorian Gray and Other Writings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You teach combat, I guess.”

Aphros threw up his hands in exasperation. “Why does everyone assume that?”

Leo glanced at the massive sword on the fish-guy’s back. “Uh, I don’t know.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. I love loopholes.
- Bill Watterson
There's Treasure Everywhere
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You are evidence of your mother's strength, especially if you are a rebellious knucklehead and regardless she has always maintained her sanity.
- Criss Jami
Killosophy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If anger were mileage, I'd be a very frequent flyer, right up there in First Class.
- Gina Barreca
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why?' is always the most difficult question to answer. You know where you are when someone asks you 'What's the time?' or 'When was the battle of 1066?' or 'How do these seatbelts work that go tight when you slam the brakes on, Daddy?' The answers are easy and are, respectively, 'Seven-thirty in the evening,' 'Ten-fifteen in the morning,' and 'Don't ask stupid questions.
- Douglas Adams
The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five, I was just alive.
But now I am Six, I'm as clever as clever,
So I think I'll be six now for ever and ever.
- A.A. Milne
Now We Are Six
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Victor patted my hand. 'I like you, Sky. You're a fighter.'
'I am, aren't I? Hear that, Zed? No more bambi comparisons. I'm a Rottweiler -with a temper.'
'A very small Rottweiler,' said Zed, still not convinced.
- Joss Stirling
Finding Sky
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.
- Cynthia Hand
Unearthly
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The heart has a heart of its own.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Please welcome Professor Varen Nethers, famous depressed dead poets historian and author of the bestselling books Unlocking your Poe-tential: A Writer's Guide, and Mo Poe Fo Yo: When You Just Can't Get Enough.
- Kelly Creagh
Nevermore
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Of all the crap, crap, crappy nights I've ever had in the whole of my crap life. On a scale of one to 10, we're talking...a minus 6. And it's not like I even have very high standards.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Of course ." A wicked gleam entered his eyes. "But I only turn girls into salamanders on Tuesdays. Luckily for you, it´s a Wednesday, which is the day I drink a goblet of orphan´s blood for supper.
- Margaret Rogerson
Sorcery of Thorns
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
- Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Log Entry: SOL 118

My conversation with NASA about the Water Reclaimer was boring and riddled with technical details. So I'll paraphrase for you:

Me: "This is obviously a clog. How about I take it apart and check the internal tubing?"

NASA: (After about 5 hours of deliberation) "No. You'll fuck it up and die."

So I took it apart.
- Andy Weir
The Martian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can read minds, and you didn't tell me?” Link stared at me like he just found out I was the Silver Surfer. He rubbed his head nervously. “Hey, man, all that stuff about Lena? I was yankin’ your chain.” He looked away. “Are you doin’ it now? You're doin’ it, aren't you? Dude, get out of my head.” He backed away from me and into the bookshelf.

“I can't read your mind, you idiot.
- Kami Garcia
Beautiful Darkness
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I remembered a piece of sisterly advice, which Feely once gave Daffy and me:
"If ever you're accosted by a man," she'd said, "kick him in the Casanovas and run like blue blazes!"
Although it had sounded at the time like a useful bit of intelligence, the only problem was that I didn't know where the Casanovas were located.
I'd have to think of something else.
- Alan Bradley
The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Then why are you here?” Emma demanded. “Oh, is this one of those missed-connections things? We met the other night, you felt a spark? Sorry, but I don’t date trees.”

“I am not a tree.” Iarlath looked angry, his bark peeling slightly.
- Cassandra Clare
Lady Midnight
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I happen to be immature, undisciplined, and self-centered, pretty much a little boy in a man's body, although I'd appreciate it if you didn't quote me on that.

-Bobby Tom
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Amy, Dan, and Nellie were sitting at a table in a conference room, examining reproductions of Franklin documents-some so rare, the librarians told her, the only copies existed in Paris.
"Yeah, here's a rare grocery list," Dan muttered. "Wow.
- Rick Riordan
The Maze of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do you realize how hard it is to keep your mind clear when somebody’s telling you to keep your mind clear?
- Tom Upton
Just Plain Weird
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In the words of the philosopher Sceptum, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this?
- Terry Pratchett
Night Watch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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51
52
53
54
55
 		...