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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again.
"So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking...
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
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It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.
- Terry Pratchett
The Last Continent
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Every instinct that is found in any man is in all men. The strength of the emotion may not be so overpowering, the barriers against possession not so insurmountable, the urge to accomplish the desire less keen. With some, inhibitions and urges may be neutralized by other tendencies. But with every being the primal emotions are there. All men have an emotion to kill; when they strongly dislike some one they involuntarily wish he was dead. I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.
- Clarence Darrow
The Story of My Life
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Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. '200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore' is not nearly as interesting a headline as 'Charlie kills 200.' Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it.

Me, I'm still waitin' for Hurricane Ed. Old Ed wouldn't hurt ya, would he? Sounds kinda friendly. 'Hell no, we ain't evacuatin'. Ed's comin'!
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
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And in what fairy tale would John ever be any sane person's idea of Prince Charming anyway? He was the opposite of charming. More like Prince Terrifying.
- Meg Cabot
Abandon
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One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening.
- Franklin P. Jones
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If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
- Laurence J. Peter
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I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
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I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
- Ron White
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There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
- Henry Kissinger
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I have an unfortunate personality.
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What's another word for Thesaurus?
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Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
- Oscar Levant
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As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
- Buddy Hackett
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I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?
- Leo Durocher
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I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
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If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
- Henny Youngman
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I own and operate a ferocious ego.
- Bill Moyers
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I'm for whatever gets you through the night.
- Frank Sinatra
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I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met.
- Herb Caen
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A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'
- Claude Pepper
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My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
- Angie Dickinson
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I am certain there is too much certainty in the world.
- Michael Crichton
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A word to the wise is infuriating.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again.
"So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking...
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.
- Terry Pratchett
The Last Continent
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Every instinct that is found in any man is in all men. The strength of the emotion may not be so overpowering, the barriers against possession not so insurmountable, the urge to accomplish the desire less keen. With some, inhibitions and urges may be neutralized by other tendencies. But with every being the primal emotions are there. All men have an emotion to kill; when they strongly dislike some one they involuntarily wish he was dead. I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.
- Clarence Darrow
The Story of My Life
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. '200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore' is not nearly as interesting a headline as 'Charlie kills 200.' Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it.

Me, I'm still waitin' for Hurricane Ed. Old Ed wouldn't hurt ya, would he? Sounds kinda friendly. 'Hell no, we ain't evacuatin'. Ed's comin'!
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And in what fairy tale would John ever be any sane person's idea of Prince Charming anyway? He was the opposite of charming. More like Prince Terrifying.
- Meg Cabot
Abandon
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening.
- Franklin P. Jones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
- Laurence J. Peter
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
- Ron White
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
- Henry Kissinger
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have an unfortunate personality.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
- Oscar Levant
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
- Buddy Hackett
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?
- Leo Durocher
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
- Henny Youngman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I own and operate a ferocious ego.
- Bill Moyers
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm for whatever gets you through the night.
- Frank Sinatra
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met.
- Herb Caen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'
- Claude Pepper
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
- Angie Dickinson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am certain there is too much certainty in the world.
- Michael Crichton
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A word to the wise is infuriating.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again.
"So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking...
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.
- Terry Pratchett
The Last Continent
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Every instinct that is found in any man is in all men. The strength of the emotion may not be so overpowering, the barriers against possession not so insurmountable, the urge to accomplish the desire less keen. With some, inhibitions and urges may be neutralized by other tendencies. But with every being the primal emotions are there. All men have an emotion to kill; when they strongly dislike some one they involuntarily wish he was dead. I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.
- Clarence Darrow
The Story of My Life
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. '200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore' is not nearly as interesting a headline as 'Charlie kills 200.' Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it.

Me, I'm still waitin' for Hurricane Ed. Old Ed wouldn't hurt ya, would he? Sounds kinda friendly. 'Hell no, we ain't evacuatin'. Ed's comin'!
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And in what fairy tale would John ever be any sane person's idea of Prince Charming anyway? He was the opposite of charming. More like Prince Terrifying.
- Meg Cabot
Abandon
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening.
- Franklin P. Jones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
- Laurence J. Peter
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
- Ron White
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
- Henry Kissinger
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have an unfortunate personality.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
- Oscar Levant
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
- Buddy Hackett
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?
- Leo Durocher
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
- Henny Youngman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I own and operate a ferocious ego.
- Bill Moyers
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm for whatever gets you through the night.
- Frank Sinatra
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met.
- Herb Caen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'
- Claude Pepper
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
- Angie Dickinson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am certain there is too much certainty in the world.
- Michael Crichton
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A word to the wise is infuriating.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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