FUNNY QUOTES
Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously. ◀ Back
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
- Samuel Butler
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
- Billy Connolly
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
- Henny Youngman
I like children - fried.
- W. C. Fields
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
- Alanis Morissette
There's one thing about baldness, it's neat.
- Don Herold
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.
- Cathy Guisewite
Every dogma has its day.
- Anthony Burgess
I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
- Paul Lynde
Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know.
- Andre Maurois
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
- W. C. Fields
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
- Hillary Clinton
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
- Jay London
If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?
- Laurence J. Peter
I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them.
- Anna Held
She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years.
- J. B. Priestley
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
A rich man's joke is always funny.
- Thomas Edward Brown
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Reality continues to ruin my life.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
- Benjamin Franklin Wade
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
- Samuel Butler
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
- Billy Connolly
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
- Henny Youngman
I like children - fried.
- W. C. Fields
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
- Alanis Morissette
There's one thing about baldness, it's neat.
- Don Herold
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.
- Cathy Guisewite
Every dogma has its day.
- Anthony Burgess
I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
- Paul Lynde
Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know.
- Andre Maurois
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
- W. C. Fields
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
- Hillary Clinton
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
- Jay London
If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?
- Laurence J. Peter
I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them.
- Anna Held
She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years.
- J. B. Priestley
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
A rich man's joke is always funny.
- Thomas Edward Brown
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Reality continues to ruin my life.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
- Benjamin Franklin Wade
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
- Samuel Butler
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
- Billy Connolly
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
- Henny Youngman
I like children - fried.
- W. C. Fields
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
- Alanis Morissette
There's one thing about baldness, it's neat.
- Don Herold
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.
- Cathy Guisewite
Every dogma has its day.
- Anthony Burgess
I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
- Paul Lynde
Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know.
- Andre Maurois
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
- W. C. Fields
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
- Hillary Clinton
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
- Jay London
If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?
- Laurence J. Peter
I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them.
- Anna Held
She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years.
- J. B. Priestley
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
A rich man's joke is always funny.
- Thomas Edward Brown
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Reality continues to ruin my life.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
- Benjamin Franklin Wade
