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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Harry, don't go picking a row with Malfoy, don't forget, he's a prefect now, he could make life difficult for you..."
"Wow, I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life?" said Harry sarcastically.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
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Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
- Garrison Keillor
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Man, you weigh a freaking ton," he told me. "What've you been eating, rocks?"
"Why, is your head missing some?" I croaked. His mouth almost quirked in a smile, and that's when I knew how upset he'd been
- James Patterson
The Angel Experiment
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We did it, we bashed them wee Potter's the one, and Voldy's gone moldy, so now let's have fun!
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You should try not to talk so much, friend. You'll sound far less stupid that way.

- Breeze
- Brandon Sanderson
Mistborn: The Final Empire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Aren’t they supposed to be hiring someone else to train me full-time anyway?”
“Yes,” he said, getting up and pulling her to her feet along with him,“ and I’m worried that if you get into the habit of making out with your instructors, you’ll wind up making out with him, too.”
“ Don’t be sexist. They could find me a female instructor.”
“In that case you have my permission to make out with her, as long as I can watch.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Eragon looked back at him, confused. "I don't understand."
"Of course you don't," said Brom impatiently. "That's why I'm teaching you and not the other way around.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it."

(Letter to Étienne Noël Damilaville, May 16, 1767)
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Mario, what do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic?"

"I give."

"You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog.
- David Foster Wallace
Infinite Jest
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Curiouser and curiouser.
- Lewis Carroll
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland / Through the Looking-Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hated sports. I hated sports, and I hated people who played them, and I hated people who watched them, and I hated people who didn't hate people who watched or played them.
- John Green
Looking for Alaska
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.
- Flannery O'Connor
The Habit of Being: Letters of Flannery O'Connor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So it's true. You can walk in sunlight. I thought perhaps it might have worn off."
"If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I'll let you know.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
For some stories, it's easy. The moral of 'The Three Bears,' for instance, is "Never break into someone else's house.' The moral of 'Snow White' is 'Never eat apples.' The moral of World War I is 'Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand.
- Lemony Snicket
The Wide Window
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
- W.C. Fields
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How're we getting to King's Cross tomorrow, Dad?" asked Fred as they dug into a sumptuous pudding.
"The Ministry's providing a couple of cars," said Mr. Weasley.
Everyone looked up at him.
"Why?" said Percy curiously.
"It's because of you, Perce," said George seriously. "And there'll be little flags on the hoods, with HB on them-"
"-for Humongous Bighead," said Fred.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Isn't it funny how the memories you cherish before a breakup can become your worst enemies afterwards? The thoughts you loved to think about, the memories you wanted to hold up to the light and view from every angle--it suddenly seems a lot safer to lock them in a box, far from the light of day and throw away the key. It's not an act of bitterness. It's an act if self-preservation. It's not always a bad idea to stay behind the window and look out at life instead, is it?
- Allyson Braithwaite Condie
First Day
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Adam was but human—this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.
- Mark Twain
Pudd'nhead Wilson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I'm walking on thin ice, I might as well dance my way across.
- Mercedes Lackey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren't these the same questions as last year's [physics] final exam?

Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Grown ups are complicated creatures, full of quirks and secrets.
- Roald Dahl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Reyna sent me to get Percy," Frank said. "Did Octavian accept you?"
"Yeah," Percy said. "He slaughtered my panda.
- Rick Riordan
The Son of Neptune
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You wanted to lick my face the first time you saw me? Is that usually what you do when you’re attracted to guys?”

I shake my head. “Not your face, your dimple. And no. You’re the only guy I’ve ever had the urge to lick.”

He smiles at me confidently. “Good. Because you’re the only girl I’ve ever had the urge to love.
- Colleen Hoover
Hopeless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Harry, don't go picking a row with Malfoy, don't forget, he's a prefect now, he could make life difficult for you..."
"Wow, I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life?" said Harry sarcastically.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
- Garrison Keillor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Man, you weigh a freaking ton," he told me. "What've you been eating, rocks?"
"Why, is your head missing some?" I croaked. His mouth almost quirked in a smile, and that's when I knew how upset he'd been
- James Patterson
The Angel Experiment
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We did it, we bashed them wee Potter's the one, and Voldy's gone moldy, so now let's have fun!
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You should try not to talk so much, friend. You'll sound far less stupid that way.

- Breeze
- Brandon Sanderson
Mistborn: The Final Empire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Aren’t they supposed to be hiring someone else to train me full-time anyway?”
“Yes,” he said, getting up and pulling her to her feet along with him,“ and I’m worried that if you get into the habit of making out with your instructors, you’ll wind up making out with him, too.”
“ Don’t be sexist. They could find me a female instructor.”
“In that case you have my permission to make out with her, as long as I can watch.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Eragon looked back at him, confused. "I don't understand."
"Of course you don't," said Brom impatiently. "That's why I'm teaching you and not the other way around.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it."

(Letter to Étienne Noël Damilaville, May 16, 1767)
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Mario, what do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic?"

"I give."

"You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog.
- David Foster Wallace
Infinite Jest
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Curiouser and curiouser.
- Lewis Carroll
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland / Through the Looking-Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hated sports. I hated sports, and I hated people who played them, and I hated people who watched them, and I hated people who didn't hate people who watched or played them.
- John Green
Looking for Alaska
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.
- Flannery O'Connor
The Habit of Being: Letters of Flannery O'Connor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So it's true. You can walk in sunlight. I thought perhaps it might have worn off."
"If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I'll let you know.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
For some stories, it's easy. The moral of 'The Three Bears,' for instance, is "Never break into someone else's house.' The moral of 'Snow White' is 'Never eat apples.' The moral of World War I is 'Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand.
- Lemony Snicket
The Wide Window
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
- W.C. Fields
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How're we getting to King's Cross tomorrow, Dad?" asked Fred as they dug into a sumptuous pudding.
"The Ministry's providing a couple of cars," said Mr. Weasley.
Everyone looked up at him.
"Why?" said Percy curiously.
"It's because of you, Perce," said George seriously. "And there'll be little flags on the hoods, with HB on them-"
"-for Humongous Bighead," said Fred.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Isn't it funny how the memories you cherish before a breakup can become your worst enemies afterwards? The thoughts you loved to think about, the memories you wanted to hold up to the light and view from every angle--it suddenly seems a lot safer to lock them in a box, far from the light of day and throw away the key. It's not an act of bitterness. It's an act if self-preservation. It's not always a bad idea to stay behind the window and look out at life instead, is it?
- Allyson Braithwaite Condie
First Day
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Adam was but human—this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.
- Mark Twain
Pudd'nhead Wilson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I'm walking on thin ice, I might as well dance my way across.
- Mercedes Lackey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren't these the same questions as last year's [physics] final exam?

Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Grown ups are complicated creatures, full of quirks and secrets.
- Roald Dahl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Reyna sent me to get Percy," Frank said. "Did Octavian accept you?"
"Yeah," Percy said. "He slaughtered my panda.
- Rick Riordan
The Son of Neptune
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You wanted to lick my face the first time you saw me? Is that usually what you do when you’re attracted to guys?”

I shake my head. “Not your face, your dimple. And no. You’re the only guy I’ve ever had the urge to lick.”

He smiles at me confidently. “Good. Because you’re the only girl I’ve ever had the urge to love.
- Colleen Hoover
Hopeless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Harry, don't go picking a row with Malfoy, don't forget, he's a prefect now, he could make life difficult for you..."
"Wow, I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life?" said Harry sarcastically.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
- Garrison Keillor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Man, you weigh a freaking ton," he told me. "What've you been eating, rocks?"
"Why, is your head missing some?" I croaked. His mouth almost quirked in a smile, and that's when I knew how upset he'd been
- James Patterson
The Angel Experiment
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We did it, we bashed them wee Potter's the one, and Voldy's gone moldy, so now let's have fun!
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You should try not to talk so much, friend. You'll sound far less stupid that way.

- Breeze
- Brandon Sanderson
Mistborn: The Final Empire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Aren’t they supposed to be hiring someone else to train me full-time anyway?”
“Yes,” he said, getting up and pulling her to her feet along with him,“ and I’m worried that if you get into the habit of making out with your instructors, you’ll wind up making out with him, too.”
“ Don’t be sexist. They could find me a female instructor.”
“In that case you have my permission to make out with her, as long as I can watch.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Eragon looked back at him, confused. "I don't understand."
"Of course you don't," said Brom impatiently. "That's why I'm teaching you and not the other way around.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it."

(Letter to Étienne Noël Damilaville, May 16, 1767)
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Mario, what do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic?"

"I give."

"You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog.
- David Foster Wallace
Infinite Jest
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Curiouser and curiouser.
- Lewis Carroll
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland / Through the Looking-Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hated sports. I hated sports, and I hated people who played them, and I hated people who watched them, and I hated people who didn't hate people who watched or played them.
- John Green
Looking for Alaska
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.
- Flannery O'Connor
The Habit of Being: Letters of Flannery O'Connor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So it's true. You can walk in sunlight. I thought perhaps it might have worn off."
"If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I'll let you know.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
For some stories, it's easy. The moral of 'The Three Bears,' for instance, is "Never break into someone else's house.' The moral of 'Snow White' is 'Never eat apples.' The moral of World War I is 'Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand.
- Lemony Snicket
The Wide Window
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
- W.C. Fields
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How're we getting to King's Cross tomorrow, Dad?" asked Fred as they dug into a sumptuous pudding.
"The Ministry's providing a couple of cars," said Mr. Weasley.
Everyone looked up at him.
"Why?" said Percy curiously.
"It's because of you, Perce," said George seriously. "And there'll be little flags on the hoods, with HB on them-"
"-for Humongous Bighead," said Fred.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Isn't it funny how the memories you cherish before a breakup can become your worst enemies afterwards? The thoughts you loved to think about, the memories you wanted to hold up to the light and view from every angle--it suddenly seems a lot safer to lock them in a box, far from the light of day and throw away the key. It's not an act of bitterness. It's an act if self-preservation. It's not always a bad idea to stay behind the window and look out at life instead, is it?
- Allyson Braithwaite Condie
First Day
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Adam was but human—this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.
- Mark Twain
Pudd'nhead Wilson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I'm walking on thin ice, I might as well dance my way across.
- Mercedes Lackey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren't these the same questions as last year's [physics] final exam?

Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Grown ups are complicated creatures, full of quirks and secrets.
- Roald Dahl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Reyna sent me to get Percy," Frank said. "Did Octavian accept you?"
"Yeah," Percy said. "He slaughtered my panda.
- Rick Riordan
The Son of Neptune
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You wanted to lick my face the first time you saw me? Is that usually what you do when you’re attracted to guys?”

I shake my head. “Not your face, your dimple. And no. You’re the only guy I’ve ever had the urge to lick.”

He smiles at me confidently. “Good. Because you’re the only girl I’ve ever had the urge to love.
- Colleen Hoover
Hopeless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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