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Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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How do you tell the psychiatrists from the patients in the hospital?
The patients get better and leave.
- Lisa Scottoline
Every Fifteen Minutes
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Yes Yes

when God created love he didn't help most
when God created dogs He didn't help dogs
when God created plants that was average
when God created hate we had a standard utility
when God created me He created me
when God created the monkey He was asleep
when He created the giraffe He was drunk
when He created narcotics He was high
and when He created suicide He was low

when He created you lying in bed
He knew what He was doing
He was drunk and He was high
and He created the mountains and the sea and fire at the same time

He made some mistakes
but when He created you lying in bed
He came all over His Blessed Universe.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I can't believe he didn't have the dignity and presence of mind just to get drunk and pass out in some gutter," said Jace. "I must say, I'm disappointed in the little fellow.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
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Will put his hand on Nico's shoulder. "Nico, we need to have another talk about your people skills."
"Hey, I'm just stating the obvious. If this is Apollo, and he dies, we're all in trouble."
Will turned to me. "I apologize for my boyfriend."
Nico rolled his eyes. "Could you not―"
"Would you prefer special guy?" Will asked. "Or significant other?"
"Significant annoyance, in your case," Nico grumbled
- Rick Riordan
The Hidden Oracle
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Actually, I was the very lowest ranked member of the crew. I would only be “in command” if I were the only remaining person.”
What do you know? I’m in command
- Andy Weir
The Martian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can’t shut your mind.
- Terry Pratchett
Wintersmith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I'll certainly try to forget the fact.
- Oscar Wilde
The Importance of Being Earnest
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Piece of Heaven?"

"No, that other place I'm going to go to for thinking what I'm thinking.
- Richelle Mead
The Indigo Spell
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ask us no questions and we’ll tell you no lies.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
- Mel Brooks
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Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Knees suddenly weak, she reached for his forearms to stabilize herself. “You came for me.”

He beamed, looking for all the world like a selfless, daring hero.

“Don’t sound so surprised.” Dropping the cane, he pulled her into a crushing embrace that tore her away from Wolf and lifted her clean off the floor. “It turns out you are worth a lot of money on the black market.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Five syllables," Apollo said, counting them on his fingers. "That would be real bad.
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
- Matt Groening
The Big Book of Hell
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So--what's it like, being a vampire?"

"Aline!" Isabelle looked appalled. "You can't just go around asking people what's it like to be a vampire!"

"I don't see why," Aline said. "He hasn't been a vampire that long, has he? So he must still remember what it was like being a person." She turned back to Simon. "Does blood taste like blood to you? Or does it taste like something else now, like orange juice or something? Because I would think the taste of blood would-"

"It tastes like chicken," Simon said, just to shut her up.

"Really?" Aline looked astonished.

"He's making fun of you, Aline," said Sebastain
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love you and it's getting worse.
- Joseph Morris
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You leave me tied up like a dog? Then you had better remember that this bitch bites!
- Kresley Cole
Kiss of a Demon King
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they're honest about everything.
- Chuck Klosterman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think computer viruses should count as life ... I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The meeting was like a war council with donuts. Then again, back at Camp Half-Blood they used to have their most serious discussions around the Ping-Pong table in the rec room with crackers and Cheez Whiz, so Percy felt right at home.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How do you tell the psychiatrists from the patients in the hospital?
The patients get better and leave.
- Lisa Scottoline
Every Fifteen Minutes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes Yes

when God created love he didn't help most
when God created dogs He didn't help dogs
when God created plants that was average
when God created hate we had a standard utility
when God created me He created me
when God created the monkey He was asleep
when He created the giraffe He was drunk
when He created narcotics He was high
and when He created suicide He was low

when He created you lying in bed
He knew what He was doing
He was drunk and He was high
and He created the mountains and the sea and fire at the same time

He made some mistakes
but when He created you lying in bed
He came all over His Blessed Universe.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I can't believe he didn't have the dignity and presence of mind just to get drunk and pass out in some gutter," said Jace. "I must say, I'm disappointed in the little fellow.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Will put his hand on Nico's shoulder. "Nico, we need to have another talk about your people skills."
"Hey, I'm just stating the obvious. If this is Apollo, and he dies, we're all in trouble."
Will turned to me. "I apologize for my boyfriend."
Nico rolled his eyes. "Could you not―"
"Would you prefer special guy?" Will asked. "Or significant other?"
"Significant annoyance, in your case," Nico grumbled
- Rick Riordan
The Hidden Oracle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Actually, I was the very lowest ranked member of the crew. I would only be “in command” if I were the only remaining person.”
What do you know? I’m in command
- Andy Weir
The Martian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can’t shut your mind.
- Terry Pratchett
Wintersmith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I'll certainly try to forget the fact.
- Oscar Wilde
The Importance of Being Earnest
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Piece of Heaven?"

"No, that other place I'm going to go to for thinking what I'm thinking.
- Richelle Mead
The Indigo Spell
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ask us no questions and we’ll tell you no lies.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
- Mel Brooks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Knees suddenly weak, she reached for his forearms to stabilize herself. “You came for me.”

He beamed, looking for all the world like a selfless, daring hero.

“Don’t sound so surprised.” Dropping the cane, he pulled her into a crushing embrace that tore her away from Wolf and lifted her clean off the floor. “It turns out you are worth a lot of money on the black market.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Five syllables," Apollo said, counting them on his fingers. "That would be real bad.
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
- Matt Groening
The Big Book of Hell
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So--what's it like, being a vampire?"

"Aline!" Isabelle looked appalled. "You can't just go around asking people what's it like to be a vampire!"

"I don't see why," Aline said. "He hasn't been a vampire that long, has he? So he must still remember what it was like being a person." She turned back to Simon. "Does blood taste like blood to you? Or does it taste like something else now, like orange juice or something? Because I would think the taste of blood would-"

"It tastes like chicken," Simon said, just to shut her up.

"Really?" Aline looked astonished.

"He's making fun of you, Aline," said Sebastain
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love you and it's getting worse.
- Joseph Morris
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You leave me tied up like a dog? Then you had better remember that this bitch bites!
- Kresley Cole
Kiss of a Demon King
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they're honest about everything.
- Chuck Klosterman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think computer viruses should count as life ... I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The meeting was like a war council with donuts. Then again, back at Camp Half-Blood they used to have their most serious discussions around the Ping-Pong table in the rec room with crackers and Cheez Whiz, so Percy felt right at home.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How do you tell the psychiatrists from the patients in the hospital?
The patients get better and leave.
- Lisa Scottoline
Every Fifteen Minutes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes Yes

when God created love he didn't help most
when God created dogs He didn't help dogs
when God created plants that was average
when God created hate we had a standard utility
when God created me He created me
when God created the monkey He was asleep
when He created the giraffe He was drunk
when He created narcotics He was high
and when He created suicide He was low

when He created you lying in bed
He knew what He was doing
He was drunk and He was high
and He created the mountains and the sea and fire at the same time

He made some mistakes
but when He created you lying in bed
He came all over His Blessed Universe.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I can't believe he didn't have the dignity and presence of mind just to get drunk and pass out in some gutter," said Jace. "I must say, I'm disappointed in the little fellow.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Will put his hand on Nico's shoulder. "Nico, we need to have another talk about your people skills."
"Hey, I'm just stating the obvious. If this is Apollo, and he dies, we're all in trouble."
Will turned to me. "I apologize for my boyfriend."
Nico rolled his eyes. "Could you not―"
"Would you prefer special guy?" Will asked. "Or significant other?"
"Significant annoyance, in your case," Nico grumbled
- Rick Riordan
The Hidden Oracle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Actually, I was the very lowest ranked member of the crew. I would only be “in command” if I were the only remaining person.”
What do you know? I’m in command
- Andy Weir
The Martian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can’t shut your mind.
- Terry Pratchett
Wintersmith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I'll certainly try to forget the fact.
- Oscar Wilde
The Importance of Being Earnest
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Piece of Heaven?"

"No, that other place I'm going to go to for thinking what I'm thinking.
- Richelle Mead
The Indigo Spell
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ask us no questions and we’ll tell you no lies.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
- Mel Brooks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Knees suddenly weak, she reached for his forearms to stabilize herself. “You came for me.”

He beamed, looking for all the world like a selfless, daring hero.

“Don’t sound so surprised.” Dropping the cane, he pulled her into a crushing embrace that tore her away from Wolf and lifted her clean off the floor. “It turns out you are worth a lot of money on the black market.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Five syllables," Apollo said, counting them on his fingers. "That would be real bad.
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
- Matt Groening
The Big Book of Hell
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So--what's it like, being a vampire?"

"Aline!" Isabelle looked appalled. "You can't just go around asking people what's it like to be a vampire!"

"I don't see why," Aline said. "He hasn't been a vampire that long, has he? So he must still remember what it was like being a person." She turned back to Simon. "Does blood taste like blood to you? Or does it taste like something else now, like orange juice or something? Because I would think the taste of blood would-"

"It tastes like chicken," Simon said, just to shut her up.

"Really?" Aline looked astonished.

"He's making fun of you, Aline," said Sebastain
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love you and it's getting worse.
- Joseph Morris
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You leave me tied up like a dog? Then you had better remember that this bitch bites!
- Kresley Cole
Kiss of a Demon King
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they're honest about everything.
- Chuck Klosterman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think computer viruses should count as life ... I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The meeting was like a war council with donuts. Then again, back at Camp Half-Blood they used to have their most serious discussions around the Ping-Pong table in the rec room with crackers and Cheez Whiz, so Percy felt right at home.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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