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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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You looove me. (holds out arms) You love me this much.
- James Patterson
Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports
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I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.
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Love is where you find it. I think it is foolish to go around looking for it, and I think it can be poisonous. I wish that people who are conventionally supposed to love each other would say to each other, when they fight, 'Please — a little less love, and a little more common decency'.
- Kurt Vonnegut
Slapstick, or Lonesome No More!
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Terrific. A bisexual dominant vampire with kidnapping expertise.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Unbound
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Name the different kinds of people,’ said Miss Lupescu. ‘Now.’

Bod thought for a moment. ‘The living,’ he said. ‘Er. The dead.’ He stopped. Then, ‘... Cats?’ he offered, uncertainly.
- Neil Gaiman
The Graveyard Book
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Have you ever had a girlfriend, Kenji?"
"What?" He looks mortally offended. "Do I look like the kind of guy who's never had a girlfriend? Have you even met me?
- Tahereh Mafi
Unravel Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.
- Charles Addams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Haven't you ever heard that modesty is an attractive trait?"
"Only from ugly people," Jace confided. "The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me." He winked at the girls, who giggled and hid behind their hair.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We’re supposed to be exercising.
- Meg Cabot
Big Boned
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men.
- Terry Pratchett
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face.
- Augusten Burroughs
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Leo lowered his screwdriver. He looked at the ceiling and shook his head like, What am I gonna do with this guy?
"I try very hard to be annoying," Leo said. "Don't insult my ability to annoy. And how am I supposed to resent you if you go apologizing? I'm a lowly mechanic. You're like the prince of the sky, son of the Lord of the Universe. I'm supposed to resent you."
"Lord of the Universe?" (Jason)
"Sure, you're all-bam! Lightning man. And 'Watch me fly. I am the eagle that soars-" (Leo)
"Shut up, Valdez." (Jason)
Leo managed a little smile. "Yeah, see. I do annoy you."
"I apologize for apologizing." (Jason)
"Thank you." He went back to work, but the tension had eased between them. Leo still looked sad and exhausted-just not quite so angry.
- Rick Riordan
The Lost Hero
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.
- Samuel Johnson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Fresh is better. But you've never drunk fresh blood. Have you?"
Simon raised his eyebrow in response.
"Well, aside from mine of course," Jace said. "And I'm pretty sure my blood is fan-tastic.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Money may not buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.
- Françoise Sagan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In theory it was, around now, Literature. Susan hated Literature. She'd much prefer to read a good book.
- Terry Pratchett
Soul Music
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
One of the world's most tiresome questions is what object one would bring to a desert island,because people always answer "a deck of cards" or "Anna Karenina" when the obvious answer is "a well equipped boat and a crew to sail me off the island and back home where I can play all the card games and read all the Russian novels I want.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Foaly: Anyone see you come in here?
Holly: The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB.
Foaly: The EIB?
Holly: (smirking) Everyone in the building.
- Eoin Colfer
Artemis Fowl Band 1-3
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I knew I could do it all this time,” said Harry, “Because I'd already done it... does that make sense?
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Accidental sex. He made it sound like I fell down, and there just happened to be an erection in the way.
- Laurell K. Hamilton
Incubus Dreams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There was quite a lot of competitiveness about it, with everybody wanting to beat not only cancer itself, but also the other people in the room. Like, I realize that this is irrational, but when they tell you that you have, say, a 20 percent chance of living five years, the math kicks in and you figure that’s one in five . . . so you look around and think, as any healthy person would: I gotta outlast four of these bastards.
- John Green
The Fault in Our Stars
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,
His hair is as dark as a blackboard.
I wish he was mine, he's really divine,
The hero who conquered the Dark Lord.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He who hesitates is a damned fool.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You looove me. (holds out arms) You love me this much.
- James Patterson
Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Love is where you find it. I think it is foolish to go around looking for it, and I think it can be poisonous. I wish that people who are conventionally supposed to love each other would say to each other, when they fight, 'Please — a little less love, and a little more common decency'.
- Kurt Vonnegut
Slapstick, or Lonesome No More!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Terrific. A bisexual dominant vampire with kidnapping expertise.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Unbound
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Name the different kinds of people,’ said Miss Lupescu. ‘Now.’

Bod thought for a moment. ‘The living,’ he said. ‘Er. The dead.’ He stopped. Then, ‘... Cats?’ he offered, uncertainly.
- Neil Gaiman
The Graveyard Book
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Have you ever had a girlfriend, Kenji?"
"What?" He looks mortally offended. "Do I look like the kind of guy who's never had a girlfriend? Have you even met me?
- Tahereh Mafi
Unravel Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.
- Charles Addams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Haven't you ever heard that modesty is an attractive trait?"
"Only from ugly people," Jace confided. "The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me." He winked at the girls, who giggled and hid behind their hair.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We’re supposed to be exercising.
- Meg Cabot
Big Boned
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men.
- Terry Pratchett
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face.
- Augusten Burroughs
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Leo lowered his screwdriver. He looked at the ceiling and shook his head like, What am I gonna do with this guy?
"I try very hard to be annoying," Leo said. "Don't insult my ability to annoy. And how am I supposed to resent you if you go apologizing? I'm a lowly mechanic. You're like the prince of the sky, son of the Lord of the Universe. I'm supposed to resent you."
"Lord of the Universe?" (Jason)
"Sure, you're all-bam! Lightning man. And 'Watch me fly. I am the eagle that soars-" (Leo)
"Shut up, Valdez." (Jason)
Leo managed a little smile. "Yeah, see. I do annoy you."
"I apologize for apologizing." (Jason)
"Thank you." He went back to work, but the tension had eased between them. Leo still looked sad and exhausted-just not quite so angry.
- Rick Riordan
The Lost Hero
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.
- Samuel Johnson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Fresh is better. But you've never drunk fresh blood. Have you?"
Simon raised his eyebrow in response.
"Well, aside from mine of course," Jace said. "And I'm pretty sure my blood is fan-tastic.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Money may not buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.
- Françoise Sagan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In theory it was, around now, Literature. Susan hated Literature. She'd much prefer to read a good book.
- Terry Pratchett
Soul Music
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
One of the world's most tiresome questions is what object one would bring to a desert island,because people always answer "a deck of cards" or "Anna Karenina" when the obvious answer is "a well equipped boat and a crew to sail me off the island and back home where I can play all the card games and read all the Russian novels I want.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Foaly: Anyone see you come in here?
Holly: The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB.
Foaly: The EIB?
Holly: (smirking) Everyone in the building.
- Eoin Colfer
Artemis Fowl Band 1-3
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I knew I could do it all this time,” said Harry, “Because I'd already done it... does that make sense?
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Accidental sex. He made it sound like I fell down, and there just happened to be an erection in the way.
- Laurell K. Hamilton
Incubus Dreams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There was quite a lot of competitiveness about it, with everybody wanting to beat not only cancer itself, but also the other people in the room. Like, I realize that this is irrational, but when they tell you that you have, say, a 20 percent chance of living five years, the math kicks in and you figure that’s one in five . . . so you look around and think, as any healthy person would: I gotta outlast four of these bastards.
- John Green
The Fault in Our Stars
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,
His hair is as dark as a blackboard.
I wish he was mine, he's really divine,
The hero who conquered the Dark Lord.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He who hesitates is a damned fool.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You looove me. (holds out arms) You love me this much.
- James Patterson
Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Love is where you find it. I think it is foolish to go around looking for it, and I think it can be poisonous. I wish that people who are conventionally supposed to love each other would say to each other, when they fight, 'Please — a little less love, and a little more common decency'.
- Kurt Vonnegut
Slapstick, or Lonesome No More!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Terrific. A bisexual dominant vampire with kidnapping expertise.
- J.R. Ward
Lover Unbound
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Name the different kinds of people,’ said Miss Lupescu. ‘Now.’

Bod thought for a moment. ‘The living,’ he said. ‘Er. The dead.’ He stopped. Then, ‘... Cats?’ he offered, uncertainly.
- Neil Gaiman
The Graveyard Book
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Have you ever had a girlfriend, Kenji?"
"What?" He looks mortally offended. "Do I look like the kind of guy who's never had a girlfriend? Have you even met me?
- Tahereh Mafi
Unravel Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.
- Charles Addams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Haven't you ever heard that modesty is an attractive trait?"
"Only from ugly people," Jace confided. "The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me." He winked at the girls, who giggled and hid behind their hair.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We’re supposed to be exercising.
- Meg Cabot
Big Boned
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men.
- Terry Pratchett
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face.
- Augusten Burroughs
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Leo lowered his screwdriver. He looked at the ceiling and shook his head like, What am I gonna do with this guy?
"I try very hard to be annoying," Leo said. "Don't insult my ability to annoy. And how am I supposed to resent you if you go apologizing? I'm a lowly mechanic. You're like the prince of the sky, son of the Lord of the Universe. I'm supposed to resent you."
"Lord of the Universe?" (Jason)
"Sure, you're all-bam! Lightning man. And 'Watch me fly. I am the eagle that soars-" (Leo)
"Shut up, Valdez." (Jason)
Leo managed a little smile. "Yeah, see. I do annoy you."
"I apologize for apologizing." (Jason)
"Thank you." He went back to work, but the tension had eased between them. Leo still looked sad and exhausted-just not quite so angry.
- Rick Riordan
The Lost Hero
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.
- Samuel Johnson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Fresh is better. But you've never drunk fresh blood. Have you?"
Simon raised his eyebrow in response.
"Well, aside from mine of course," Jace said. "And I'm pretty sure my blood is fan-tastic.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Money may not buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.
- Françoise Sagan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In theory it was, around now, Literature. Susan hated Literature. She'd much prefer to read a good book.
- Terry Pratchett
Soul Music
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
One of the world's most tiresome questions is what object one would bring to a desert island,because people always answer "a deck of cards" or "Anna Karenina" when the obvious answer is "a well equipped boat and a crew to sail me off the island and back home where I can play all the card games and read all the Russian novels I want.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Foaly: Anyone see you come in here?
Holly: The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB.
Foaly: The EIB?
Holly: (smirking) Everyone in the building.
- Eoin Colfer
Artemis Fowl Band 1-3
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I knew I could do it all this time,” said Harry, “Because I'd already done it... does that make sense?
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Accidental sex. He made it sound like I fell down, and there just happened to be an erection in the way.
- Laurell K. Hamilton
Incubus Dreams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There was quite a lot of competitiveness about it, with everybody wanting to beat not only cancer itself, but also the other people in the room. Like, I realize that this is irrational, but when they tell you that you have, say, a 20 percent chance of living five years, the math kicks in and you figure that’s one in five . . . so you look around and think, as any healthy person would: I gotta outlast four of these bastards.
- John Green
The Fault in Our Stars
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,
His hair is as dark as a blackboard.
I wish he was mine, he's really divine,
The hero who conquered the Dark Lord.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He who hesitates is a damned fool.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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