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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.
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See? Injustice. Here we are, risking our lives to rescue Kai and this whole planet, and Adri and Pearl get to go to the royal wedding. I’m disgusted. I hope they spill soy sauce on their fancy dresses.”

Jacin’s concern turned fast to annoyance. “Your ship has some messed-up priorities, you know that?”

“Iko. My name is Iko. If you don’t stop calling me the ‘ship,’ I am going to make sure you never have hot water during your showers again, do you understand me?”

“Yeah, hold that thought while I go disable the speaker system.”

“What? You can’t mute me. Cinder!
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Even on the most solemn occasions I got away without wearing socks and hid that lack of civilization in high boots
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Sigh"
"Did you just say sigh? out loud? instead of actually sighing?
"Eye roll
- Colleen Hoover
November 9
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Remember! No questions. Follow my commands. There are reasons that will escape your human mind’s capacity. Just have faith. Don’t ask questions, don’t think for yourself, just have faith and do everything we tell you to do.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
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Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
- Douglas MacArthur
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How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all.
- Gail Carriger
Soulless
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Don't ever call me mad, Mycroft. I'm not mad. I'm just ... well, differently moraled, that's all.
- Jasper Fforde
The Eyre Affair
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What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.
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Sometimes when it looks like I'm deep in thought I'm just trying not to have a conversation with people.
- Pete Wentz
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My heart started racing, not the bad kind of heart racing, like I'm going to die. But the good kind of heart racing, like, Hello, can I help you with something? If not, please step aside because I'm about to kick the shit out of life.
- Maria Semple
Where'd You Go, Bernadette
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Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
- Francis Bacon
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If it weren't for greed, intolerance, hate, passion and murder, you would have no works of art, no great buildings, no medical science, no Mozart, no Van Gogh, no Muppets and no Louis Armstrong.
- Jasper Fforde
The Big Over Easy
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Harry and Hermione are very platonic friends. But I won't answer for anyone else, nudge-nudge wink-wink!
- J. K. Rowling
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Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have researched the records for years, and employed agents to help me—has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby.
- H.L. Mencken
Notes on Democracy
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Nice dress. Take it off.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
[In the Universe it may be that] Primitive life is very common and intelligent life is fairly rare. Some would say it has yet to occur on Earth.
- Stephen W. Hawking
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far.
- Jodi Picoult
Sing You Home
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The train is roaring toward you and the villain is twirling his moustache and you're fussing that he's tied you to the tracks with the wrong kind of rope.
- Robin McKinley
Sunshine
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I am no king, and I am no lord,
And I am no soldier at-arms," said he.
"I'm none but a harper, and a very poor harper,
That am come hither to wed with ye."

"If you were a lord, you should be my lord,
And the same if you were a thief," said she.
"And if you are a harper, you shall be my harper,
For it makes no matter to me, to me,
For it makes no matter to me."

"But what if it prove that I am no harper?
That I lied for your love most monstrously?"

"Why, then I'll teach you to play and sing,
For I dearly love a good harp," said she.
- Peter S. Beagle
The Last Unicorn
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't you think 'Mark is kind of a weird name for a Shadowhunter?" Julian was saying as Emma approached. "I mean, if you really think about it. It's confusing. 'Put a Mark on me, Mark.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Heavenly Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god.

- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Baby, I could watch you watching paint dry, and I still wouldn’t be bored.” Garrett Graham, my own personal sweet-talker.
- Elle Kennedy
The Deal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There's no trouble in this world so serious that it can't be cured with a hot bath, a glass of whiskey, and the Book of Common Prayer.
- Elizabeth Gilbert
Eat, Pray, Love
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
See? Injustice. Here we are, risking our lives to rescue Kai and this whole planet, and Adri and Pearl get to go to the royal wedding. I’m disgusted. I hope they spill soy sauce on their fancy dresses.”

Jacin’s concern turned fast to annoyance. “Your ship has some messed-up priorities, you know that?”

“Iko. My name is Iko. If you don’t stop calling me the ‘ship,’ I am going to make sure you never have hot water during your showers again, do you understand me?”

“Yeah, hold that thought while I go disable the speaker system.”

“What? You can’t mute me. Cinder!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Even on the most solemn occasions I got away without wearing socks and hid that lack of civilization in high boots
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sigh"
"Did you just say sigh? out loud? instead of actually sighing?
"Eye roll
- Colleen Hoover
November 9
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Remember! No questions. Follow my commands. There are reasons that will escape your human mind’s capacity. Just have faith. Don’t ask questions, don’t think for yourself, just have faith and do everything we tell you to do.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
- Douglas MacArthur
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all.
- Gail Carriger
Soulless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't ever call me mad, Mycroft. I'm not mad. I'm just ... well, differently moraled, that's all.
- Jasper Fforde
The Eyre Affair
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sometimes when it looks like I'm deep in thought I'm just trying not to have a conversation with people.
- Pete Wentz
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My heart started racing, not the bad kind of heart racing, like I'm going to die. But the good kind of heart racing, like, Hello, can I help you with something? If not, please step aside because I'm about to kick the shit out of life.
- Maria Semple
Where'd You Go, Bernadette
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
- Francis Bacon
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If it weren't for greed, intolerance, hate, passion and murder, you would have no works of art, no great buildings, no medical science, no Mozart, no Van Gogh, no Muppets and no Louis Armstrong.
- Jasper Fforde
The Big Over Easy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Harry and Hermione are very platonic friends. But I won't answer for anyone else, nudge-nudge wink-wink!
- J. K. Rowling
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have researched the records for years, and employed agents to help me—has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby.
- H.L. Mencken
Notes on Democracy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Nice dress. Take it off.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
[In the Universe it may be that] Primitive life is very common and intelligent life is fairly rare. Some would say it has yet to occur on Earth.
- Stephen W. Hawking
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far.
- Jodi Picoult
Sing You Home
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The train is roaring toward you and the villain is twirling his moustache and you're fussing that he's tied you to the tracks with the wrong kind of rope.
- Robin McKinley
Sunshine
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am no king, and I am no lord,
And I am no soldier at-arms," said he.
"I'm none but a harper, and a very poor harper,
That am come hither to wed with ye."

"If you were a lord, you should be my lord,
And the same if you were a thief," said she.
"And if you are a harper, you shall be my harper,
For it makes no matter to me, to me,
For it makes no matter to me."

"But what if it prove that I am no harper?
That I lied for your love most monstrously?"

"Why, then I'll teach you to play and sing,
For I dearly love a good harp," said she.
- Peter S. Beagle
The Last Unicorn
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't you think 'Mark is kind of a weird name for a Shadowhunter?" Julian was saying as Emma approached. "I mean, if you really think about it. It's confusing. 'Put a Mark on me, Mark.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Heavenly Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god.

- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Baby, I could watch you watching paint dry, and I still wouldn’t be bored.” Garrett Graham, my own personal sweet-talker.
- Elle Kennedy
The Deal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There's no trouble in this world so serious that it can't be cured with a hot bath, a glass of whiskey, and the Book of Common Prayer.
- Elizabeth Gilbert
Eat, Pray, Love
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
See? Injustice. Here we are, risking our lives to rescue Kai and this whole planet, and Adri and Pearl get to go to the royal wedding. I’m disgusted. I hope they spill soy sauce on their fancy dresses.”

Jacin’s concern turned fast to annoyance. “Your ship has some messed-up priorities, you know that?”

“Iko. My name is Iko. If you don’t stop calling me the ‘ship,’ I am going to make sure you never have hot water during your showers again, do you understand me?”

“Yeah, hold that thought while I go disable the speaker system.”

“What? You can’t mute me. Cinder!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Even on the most solemn occasions I got away without wearing socks and hid that lack of civilization in high boots
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sigh"
"Did you just say sigh? out loud? instead of actually sighing?
"Eye roll
- Colleen Hoover
November 9
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Remember! No questions. Follow my commands. There are reasons that will escape your human mind’s capacity. Just have faith. Don’t ask questions, don’t think for yourself, just have faith and do everything we tell you to do.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
- Douglas MacArthur
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all.
- Gail Carriger
Soulless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't ever call me mad, Mycroft. I'm not mad. I'm just ... well, differently moraled, that's all.
- Jasper Fforde
The Eyre Affair
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sometimes when it looks like I'm deep in thought I'm just trying not to have a conversation with people.
- Pete Wentz
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My heart started racing, not the bad kind of heart racing, like I'm going to die. But the good kind of heart racing, like, Hello, can I help you with something? If not, please step aside because I'm about to kick the shit out of life.
- Maria Semple
Where'd You Go, Bernadette
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
- Francis Bacon
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If it weren't for greed, intolerance, hate, passion and murder, you would have no works of art, no great buildings, no medical science, no Mozart, no Van Gogh, no Muppets and no Louis Armstrong.
- Jasper Fforde
The Big Over Easy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Harry and Hermione are very platonic friends. But I won't answer for anyone else, nudge-nudge wink-wink!
- J. K. Rowling
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have researched the records for years, and employed agents to help me—has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby.
- H.L. Mencken
Notes on Democracy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Nice dress. Take it off.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
[In the Universe it may be that] Primitive life is very common and intelligent life is fairly rare. Some would say it has yet to occur on Earth.
- Stephen W. Hawking
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far.
- Jodi Picoult
Sing You Home
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The train is roaring toward you and the villain is twirling his moustache and you're fussing that he's tied you to the tracks with the wrong kind of rope.
- Robin McKinley
Sunshine
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am no king, and I am no lord,
And I am no soldier at-arms," said he.
"I'm none but a harper, and a very poor harper,
That am come hither to wed with ye."

"If you were a lord, you should be my lord,
And the same if you were a thief," said she.
"And if you are a harper, you shall be my harper,
For it makes no matter to me, to me,
For it makes no matter to me."

"But what if it prove that I am no harper?
That I lied for your love most monstrously?"

"Why, then I'll teach you to play and sing,
For I dearly love a good harp," said she.
- Peter S. Beagle
The Last Unicorn
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't you think 'Mark is kind of a weird name for a Shadowhunter?" Julian was saying as Emma approached. "I mean, if you really think about it. It's confusing. 'Put a Mark on me, Mark.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Heavenly Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god.

- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Baby, I could watch you watching paint dry, and I still wouldn’t be bored.” Garrett Graham, my own personal sweet-talker.
- Elle Kennedy
The Deal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There's no trouble in this world so serious that it can't be cured with a hot bath, a glass of whiskey, and the Book of Common Prayer.
- Elizabeth Gilbert
Eat, Pray, Love
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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