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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Please, Percy...change your clothes. You smell like you've been run over by an electric horse.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
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You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
- Ogden Nash
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Scientists talk about dark matter, the invisible, mysterious substance that occupies the space between stars. Dark matter makes up 99.99 percent of the universe, and they don't know what it is. Well I do. It's apathy. That's the truth of it; pile together everything we know and care about in the universe and it will still be nothing more than a tiny speck in the middle of a vast black ocean of Who Gives a Fuck.
- David Wong
John Dies at the End
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I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic.
- Sarah Rees Brennan
The Demon's Covenant
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Everything stinks till it’s finished.
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This is your copy of Advanced Potion-Making, is it, Potter?”
“Yes,” said Harry, still breathing hard.
“You’re quite sure of that, are you, Potter?”
“Yes,” said Harry, with a touch more defiance.
“This is the copy of Advanced Potion-Making that you purchased from Flourish and Blotts?”
“Yes,” said Harry firmly.
“Then why,” asked Snape, “does it have the name ‘Roonil Wazlib’ written inside the front cover?”
Harry’s heart missed a beat. “That’s my nickname,” he said.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
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Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you.
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When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you've created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out and, in the end, the whole sum of parts adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love. How can you not be left with the personal confidence of a passed over British Rail sandwich?
- Helen Fielding
Bridget Jones’s Diary
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Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa," intoned Opal, finishing her chant. "Peace be inside me, tolerance all around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so that I may feed him his organs.
- Eoin Colfer
The Time Paradox
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Because sometimes you just have to dance like a madman in the Self-Help section of your local bookstore.
- David Levithan
Boy Meets Boy
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Every ounce of my cynicism is supported by historical precedent.
- Glen Cook
Shadow Games
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I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep.
- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
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Don't bite his face, Eleanor told herself. It's disturbing and needy and never happens in situation comedies or movies that end with big kisses.
- Rainbow Rowell
Eleanor & Park
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The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter.
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I will call him Small Bob," said Bob. "He is a good monster."

End of discussion.The Titan hefted his spear and they continued marching into the gloom.
- Rick Riordan
The House of Hades
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Right," Sadie said. "And Set will just stand there calmly while I read him to death.
- Rick Riordan
The Red Pyramid
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Rule number one of anime," Simon said. He sat propped up against a pile of pillows at the foot of his bed, a bag of potato chips in one hand and the TV remote in the other. He was wearing a black T-shirt that said I BLOGGED YOUR MOM and a pair of jeans that were ripped in one knee. "Never screw with a blind monk.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
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Lynn, she saved half our faction from this stuff," says Marlene, tapping the bandage on her arm from where the Dauntless traitors shot her. "Well, half of half of our faction."
"In some circles they call that a quarter, Mar," Lynn says.
- Veronica Roth
Insurgent
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I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- A. Whitney Brown
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And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement, and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy anymore. But he got away with it and lived happily ever after, without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done...which proves that you can be excused for just about anything if you are a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions.
- Terry Pratchett
Hogfather
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Any customer can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black.
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He looks like a runway model. How in the world am I going to be able to reject that? The world is so unfair. Seriously, it's like turning Brad Pitt down for a date. The girl who could actually do it should win an award for idiot of the century.
- Colleen Houck
Tiger's Curse
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Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal.

- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Please, Percy...change your clothes. You smell like you've been run over by an electric horse.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
- Ogden Nash
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Scientists talk about dark matter, the invisible, mysterious substance that occupies the space between stars. Dark matter makes up 99.99 percent of the universe, and they don't know what it is. Well I do. It's apathy. That's the truth of it; pile together everything we know and care about in the universe and it will still be nothing more than a tiny speck in the middle of a vast black ocean of Who Gives a Fuck.
- David Wong
John Dies at the End
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic.
- Sarah Rees Brennan
The Demon's Covenant
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everything stinks till it’s finished.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is your copy of Advanced Potion-Making, is it, Potter?”
“Yes,” said Harry, still breathing hard.
“You’re quite sure of that, are you, Potter?”
“Yes,” said Harry, with a touch more defiance.
“This is the copy of Advanced Potion-Making that you purchased from Flourish and Blotts?”
“Yes,” said Harry firmly.
“Then why,” asked Snape, “does it have the name ‘Roonil Wazlib’ written inside the front cover?”
Harry’s heart missed a beat. “That’s my nickname,” he said.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you've created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out and, in the end, the whole sum of parts adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love. How can you not be left with the personal confidence of a passed over British Rail sandwich?
- Helen Fielding
Bridget Jones’s Diary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa," intoned Opal, finishing her chant. "Peace be inside me, tolerance all around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so that I may feed him his organs.
- Eoin Colfer
The Time Paradox
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Because sometimes you just have to dance like a madman in the Self-Help section of your local bookstore.
- David Levithan
Boy Meets Boy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Every ounce of my cynicism is supported by historical precedent.
- Glen Cook
Shadow Games
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep.
- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't bite his face, Eleanor told herself. It's disturbing and needy and never happens in situation comedies or movies that end with big kisses.
- Rainbow Rowell
Eleanor & Park
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I will call him Small Bob," said Bob. "He is a good monster."

End of discussion.The Titan hefted his spear and they continued marching into the gloom.
- Rick Riordan
The House of Hades
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Right," Sadie said. "And Set will just stand there calmly while I read him to death.
- Rick Riordan
The Red Pyramid
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Rule number one of anime," Simon said. He sat propped up against a pile of pillows at the foot of his bed, a bag of potato chips in one hand and the TV remote in the other. He was wearing a black T-shirt that said I BLOGGED YOUR MOM and a pair of jeans that were ripped in one knee. "Never screw with a blind monk.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Lynn, she saved half our faction from this stuff," says Marlene, tapping the bandage on her arm from where the Dauntless traitors shot her. "Well, half of half of our faction."
"In some circles they call that a quarter, Mar," Lynn says.
- Veronica Roth
Insurgent
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- A. Whitney Brown
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement, and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy anymore. But he got away with it and lived happily ever after, without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done...which proves that you can be excused for just about anything if you are a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions.
- Terry Pratchett
Hogfather
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Any customer can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He looks like a runway model. How in the world am I going to be able to reject that? The world is so unfair. Seriously, it's like turning Brad Pitt down for a date. The girl who could actually do it should win an award for idiot of the century.
- Colleen Houck
Tiger's Curse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal.

- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Please, Percy...change your clothes. You smell like you've been run over by an electric horse.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
- Ogden Nash
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Scientists talk about dark matter, the invisible, mysterious substance that occupies the space between stars. Dark matter makes up 99.99 percent of the universe, and they don't know what it is. Well I do. It's apathy. That's the truth of it; pile together everything we know and care about in the universe and it will still be nothing more than a tiny speck in the middle of a vast black ocean of Who Gives a Fuck.
- David Wong
John Dies at the End
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic.
- Sarah Rees Brennan
The Demon's Covenant
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everything stinks till it’s finished.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is your copy of Advanced Potion-Making, is it, Potter?”
“Yes,” said Harry, still breathing hard.
“You’re quite sure of that, are you, Potter?”
“Yes,” said Harry, with a touch more defiance.
“This is the copy of Advanced Potion-Making that you purchased from Flourish and Blotts?”
“Yes,” said Harry firmly.
“Then why,” asked Snape, “does it have the name ‘Roonil Wazlib’ written inside the front cover?”
Harry’s heart missed a beat. “That’s my nickname,” he said.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you've created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out and, in the end, the whole sum of parts adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love. How can you not be left with the personal confidence of a passed over British Rail sandwich?
- Helen Fielding
Bridget Jones’s Diary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa," intoned Opal, finishing her chant. "Peace be inside me, tolerance all around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so that I may feed him his organs.
- Eoin Colfer
The Time Paradox
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Because sometimes you just have to dance like a madman in the Self-Help section of your local bookstore.
- David Levithan
Boy Meets Boy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Every ounce of my cynicism is supported by historical precedent.
- Glen Cook
Shadow Games
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep.
- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't bite his face, Eleanor told herself. It's disturbing and needy and never happens in situation comedies or movies that end with big kisses.
- Rainbow Rowell
Eleanor & Park
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I will call him Small Bob," said Bob. "He is a good monster."

End of discussion.The Titan hefted his spear and they continued marching into the gloom.
- Rick Riordan
The House of Hades
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Right," Sadie said. "And Set will just stand there calmly while I read him to death.
- Rick Riordan
The Red Pyramid
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Rule number one of anime," Simon said. He sat propped up against a pile of pillows at the foot of his bed, a bag of potato chips in one hand and the TV remote in the other. He was wearing a black T-shirt that said I BLOGGED YOUR MOM and a pair of jeans that were ripped in one knee. "Never screw with a blind monk.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Lynn, she saved half our faction from this stuff," says Marlene, tapping the bandage on her arm from where the Dauntless traitors shot her. "Well, half of half of our faction."
"In some circles they call that a quarter, Mar," Lynn says.
- Veronica Roth
Insurgent
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- A. Whitney Brown
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement, and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy anymore. But he got away with it and lived happily ever after, without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done...which proves that you can be excused for just about anything if you are a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions.
- Terry Pratchett
Hogfather
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Any customer can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He looks like a runway model. How in the world am I going to be able to reject that? The world is so unfair. Seriously, it's like turning Brad Pitt down for a date. The girl who could actually do it should win an award for idiot of the century.
- Colleen Houck
Tiger's Curse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal.

- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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