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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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Oh, goodie," Puck said as I stepped forward. "I'm going to have a rash in the most uncomfortable places.
- Julie Kagawa
The Iron Queen
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We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again and that is well but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
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Grandfather informs me that is not possible.
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Oh, I can't help quoting you, because everything that you said rings true.
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It’s like this…a starving man would gladly eat a radish, right? In fact, a radish would be a feast if that’s all he had. But if he had a buffet in front of him, the radish would never be chosen.
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He specialized in the murder of dreams, Hazel Grace...
- John Green
The Fault in Our Stars
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Whenever I get that sad, depressed feeling, I go out and kill a policeman.
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Oh, Hazel is awesome," Don Said. "She's so nice! All the other campers are like 'Go away Don.' But she's like 'Please go away, Don.' I love her!
- Rick Riordan
The Son of Neptune
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Can you squeeze me
into an empty page of your diary
and psychologically save me?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is like a cookie, it tastes like a cookie having sex with a doughnut.
- Daniel Handler
Why We Broke Up
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Well, I believe she went in to rescue some Raggers from the pits,” Cuffs said. “She wasn’t all that specific.”
“She went in to rescue — why would she do that?” Amon gripped the ironwork, studying the streetlord’s face. Was he lying? And if so, what was the purpose?
“Guess she’s kind of taken with us,” Cuffs said. “You know, the glamor of the gang life and all. Getting beat up every other day, arrested for crimes you didn’t commit, long nights in gaol, sleeping in the cold and wet. It’s...seductive.” He raised an eyebrow.
- Cinda Williams Chima
The Demon King
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Cheaters never prosper. (Because they suck.)
- Greg Behrendt
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You cannot be truly humble, unless you truly believe that life can and will go on without you.
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If you don't make a few ememies now and then, you're a coward-or worse. Besides, it as worth it to see his reaction. Oh, he was angry!
- Angela to Eragon
- Christopher Paolini
Inheritance
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How do you fight someone smarter than yourself?' Rand Whispered. 'The answer is simple. You make her think that you are sitting down across the table from her, ready to play her game. Then you punch her in the face as hard as you can.
- Brandon Sanderson
The Gathering Storm
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A whizzpopper!" cried the BFG, beaming at her. "Us giants is making whizzpoppers all the time! Whizzpopping is a sign of happiness. It is music in our ears! You surely is not telling me that a little whizzpopping if forbidden among human beans?
- Roald Dahl
The BFG
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Well, thanks for not shooting anyone, I guess", said Marcus. "My contribution was to somehow refrain from peeing myself. You can thank me later.
- Dan Wells
Partials
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Aim high. You may still miss the target, but at least you won't shoot your foot off.
- Lois McMaster Bujold
Miles in Love
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Heartache often drives us to consume things we wouldn't otherwise, such as an entire pint of Caramel Pecan Perfection high-fat ice cream, covered in ganache, the crack cocaine of frozed dairy. Twelve hundred calories per pint, six hundred and eighty of which are fat calories, but is only dulls the pain for the moment, there's that carb fog while you're standing at the sink shoving it in your face, and then it's over and you feel...used. Like a cheap pickup the Dove people seduced and abandoned in your kitchen, leaving you with sticky hands and an empty cup and a still-broken heart, except now you're mad at Dove, too.
- Jennifer Crusie
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You don't happen to have a thousand dollars I can borrow?"

"I don't have five you can borrow. My piggy bank is officialy anorexic.
- Becca Fitzpatrick
Hush, Hush
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Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?
- Jean Kerr
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That's chess!" snapped Ron. "You've got to make some sacrifices!
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
my good qualities are under your protection, and you are to exaggerate them as much as possible; and, in return, it belongs to me to find occasion for teasing and quarreling with you as often as may be...
- Jane Austen
Pride and Prejudice
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh, goodie," Puck said as I stepped forward. "I'm going to have a rash in the most uncomfortable places.
- Julie Kagawa
The Iron Queen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again and that is well but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Grandfather informs me that is not possible.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh, I can't help quoting you, because everything that you said rings true.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It’s like this…a starving man would gladly eat a radish, right? In fact, a radish would be a feast if that’s all he had. But if he had a buffet in front of him, the radish would never be chosen.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He specialized in the murder of dreams, Hazel Grace...
- John Green
The Fault in Our Stars
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Whenever I get that sad, depressed feeling, I go out and kill a policeman.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh, Hazel is awesome," Don Said. "She's so nice! All the other campers are like 'Go away Don.' But she's like 'Please go away, Don.' I love her!
- Rick Riordan
The Son of Neptune
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Can you squeeze me
into an empty page of your diary
and psychologically save me?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is like a cookie, it tastes like a cookie having sex with a doughnut.
- Daniel Handler
Why We Broke Up
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well, I believe she went in to rescue some Raggers from the pits,” Cuffs said. “She wasn’t all that specific.”
“She went in to rescue — why would she do that?” Amon gripped the ironwork, studying the streetlord’s face. Was he lying? And if so, what was the purpose?
“Guess she’s kind of taken with us,” Cuffs said. “You know, the glamor of the gang life and all. Getting beat up every other day, arrested for crimes you didn’t commit, long nights in gaol, sleeping in the cold and wet. It’s...seductive.” He raised an eyebrow.
- Cinda Williams Chima
The Demon King
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Cheaters never prosper. (Because they suck.)
- Greg Behrendt
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You cannot be truly humble, unless you truly believe that life can and will go on without you.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you don't make a few ememies now and then, you're a coward-or worse. Besides, it as worth it to see his reaction. Oh, he was angry!
- Angela to Eragon
- Christopher Paolini
Inheritance
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How do you fight someone smarter than yourself?' Rand Whispered. 'The answer is simple. You make her think that you are sitting down across the table from her, ready to play her game. Then you punch her in the face as hard as you can.
- Brandon Sanderson
The Gathering Storm
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A whizzpopper!" cried the BFG, beaming at her. "Us giants is making whizzpoppers all the time! Whizzpopping is a sign of happiness. It is music in our ears! You surely is not telling me that a little whizzpopping if forbidden among human beans?
- Roald Dahl
The BFG
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well, thanks for not shooting anyone, I guess", said Marcus. "My contribution was to somehow refrain from peeing myself. You can thank me later.
- Dan Wells
Partials
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Aim high. You may still miss the target, but at least you won't shoot your foot off.
- Lois McMaster Bujold
Miles in Love
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Heartache often drives us to consume things we wouldn't otherwise, such as an entire pint of Caramel Pecan Perfection high-fat ice cream, covered in ganache, the crack cocaine of frozed dairy. Twelve hundred calories per pint, six hundred and eighty of which are fat calories, but is only dulls the pain for the moment, there's that carb fog while you're standing at the sink shoving it in your face, and then it's over and you feel...used. Like a cheap pickup the Dove people seduced and abandoned in your kitchen, leaving you with sticky hands and an empty cup and a still-broken heart, except now you're mad at Dove, too.
- Jennifer Crusie
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You don't happen to have a thousand dollars I can borrow?"

"I don't have five you can borrow. My piggy bank is officialy anorexic.
- Becca Fitzpatrick
Hush, Hush
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?
- Jean Kerr
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That's chess!" snapped Ron. "You've got to make some sacrifices!
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
my good qualities are under your protection, and you are to exaggerate them as much as possible; and, in return, it belongs to me to find occasion for teasing and quarreling with you as often as may be...
- Jane Austen
Pride and Prejudice
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh, goodie," Puck said as I stepped forward. "I'm going to have a rash in the most uncomfortable places.
- Julie Kagawa
The Iron Queen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again and that is well but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Grandfather informs me that is not possible.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh, I can't help quoting you, because everything that you said rings true.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It’s like this…a starving man would gladly eat a radish, right? In fact, a radish would be a feast if that’s all he had. But if he had a buffet in front of him, the radish would never be chosen.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He specialized in the murder of dreams, Hazel Grace...
- John Green
The Fault in Our Stars
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Whenever I get that sad, depressed feeling, I go out and kill a policeman.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oh, Hazel is awesome," Don Said. "She's so nice! All the other campers are like 'Go away Don.' But she's like 'Please go away, Don.' I love her!
- Rick Riordan
The Son of Neptune
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Can you squeeze me
into an empty page of your diary
and psychologically save me?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is like a cookie, it tastes like a cookie having sex with a doughnut.
- Daniel Handler
Why We Broke Up
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well, I believe she went in to rescue some Raggers from the pits,” Cuffs said. “She wasn’t all that specific.”
“She went in to rescue — why would she do that?” Amon gripped the ironwork, studying the streetlord’s face. Was he lying? And if so, what was the purpose?
“Guess she’s kind of taken with us,” Cuffs said. “You know, the glamor of the gang life and all. Getting beat up every other day, arrested for crimes you didn’t commit, long nights in gaol, sleeping in the cold and wet. It’s...seductive.” He raised an eyebrow.
- Cinda Williams Chima
The Demon King
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Cheaters never prosper. (Because they suck.)
- Greg Behrendt
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You cannot be truly humble, unless you truly believe that life can and will go on without you.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you don't make a few ememies now and then, you're a coward-or worse. Besides, it as worth it to see his reaction. Oh, he was angry!
- Angela to Eragon
- Christopher Paolini
Inheritance
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How do you fight someone smarter than yourself?' Rand Whispered. 'The answer is simple. You make her think that you are sitting down across the table from her, ready to play her game. Then you punch her in the face as hard as you can.
- Brandon Sanderson
The Gathering Storm
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A whizzpopper!" cried the BFG, beaming at her. "Us giants is making whizzpoppers all the time! Whizzpopping is a sign of happiness. It is music in our ears! You surely is not telling me that a little whizzpopping if forbidden among human beans?
- Roald Dahl
The BFG
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well, thanks for not shooting anyone, I guess", said Marcus. "My contribution was to somehow refrain from peeing myself. You can thank me later.
- Dan Wells
Partials
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Aim high. You may still miss the target, but at least you won't shoot your foot off.
- Lois McMaster Bujold
Miles in Love
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Heartache often drives us to consume things we wouldn't otherwise, such as an entire pint of Caramel Pecan Perfection high-fat ice cream, covered in ganache, the crack cocaine of frozed dairy. Twelve hundred calories per pint, six hundred and eighty of which are fat calories, but is only dulls the pain for the moment, there's that carb fog while you're standing at the sink shoving it in your face, and then it's over and you feel...used. Like a cheap pickup the Dove people seduced and abandoned in your kitchen, leaving you with sticky hands and an empty cup and a still-broken heart, except now you're mad at Dove, too.
- Jennifer Crusie
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You don't happen to have a thousand dollars I can borrow?"

"I don't have five you can borrow. My piggy bank is officialy anorexic.
- Becca Fitzpatrick
Hush, Hush
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?
- Jean Kerr
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That's chess!" snapped Ron. "You've got to make some sacrifices!
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
my good qualities are under your protection, and you are to exaggerate them as much as possible; and, in return, it belongs to me to find occasion for teasing and quarreling with you as often as may be...
- Jane Austen
Pride and Prejudice
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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65
66
67
68
69
 		...