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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Heifer.”
“Rich man’s whore!”
“At least mine can cook the food he eats. And replaces it, too.”
“Now see, Dee-Ann Smith. That was just mean!
- Shelly Laurenston
Big Bad Beast
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Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
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Emilio appeared with wine before Cal could say anything, and Min beamed at him, grateful for the rescue. "Emilio, my darling. I forgot to mention cake boxes. Two hundred cake boxes."
"Already on it," Emilio said. "Nonna said you'd need them. She said to get four-inch-square boxes for three-inch-square cakes."
"I'm getting the boxes," Min said, nodding. "Sure. Great. Fine. Your grandmother is an angel and you are my hero. And of course, a genius with food."
"And you are my favorite customer." Emilio kissed her cheek and disappeared back into the kitchen.
"I love him," she told Cal.
"I noticed," Cal said. "Been seeing him behind my back, have you?"
"Yes," Min said. "We've been having conversations about cake."
"Whoa," Cal said. "For you, that's talking dirty.
- Jennifer Crusie
Bet Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The cow-shaped cookies have a beef flavoring, the turkey-shaped cookies have a poultry flavoring, and..."

Jane held up one of the cookies. "Human-flavored?"

Meg stifled a sigh. That would be the first thing on her feedback list: don't make people-shaped cookies. The Wolves were way too interested and all of them leaped to a logical, if disturbing, expectation about the taste.
- Anne Bishop
Murder of Crows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Drunken men give some of the best pep talks.
- Criss Jami
Killosophy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Here's something for you to remember; you might have been born into money, but you came out of a vagina the same as everyone else. Popping out of one that's rich doesn't make you anything but lucky, or susceptible to being stuck your own arse. Whichever.
- Suzanne Wright
From Rags
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're one of those guys who can make a party just by leaving it. It's a great gift.
- P.G. Wodehouse
The Girl in Blue
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
- James Thurber
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sorry. i just can't seem to help myself. My brain is freaking out. Two predawn mornings in a row. It doesn't know what to think, how to act. I'll have a talk with it later. Perhaps get it some counseling.
- Darynda Jones
Second Grave on the Left
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You understand Teacher, don't you, that when you have a mother who's an angel and a father who is a cannibal king, and when you have sailed on the ocean all your whole life, then you don't know just how to behave in school with all the apples and ibexes.
- Astrid Lindgren
Pippi Longstocking
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What?" Jace was still staring at her as if she'd told him she'd found one of the Silent Brothers doing nude cartwheels in the hallway.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Join us next time for Days of the Undead when Rachel learns her long lost brother is really a crown prince from outer space.
- Kim Harrison
Every Which Way But Dead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ignorance is bold, and knowledge is reserved
- Thucydides
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Who knows what goes on in the mind of a cat?
- Julie Kagawa
The Iron King
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She. Spoke. To. Him. First. It was like winning the lottery, getting laid, and climbing the highest cliff all rolled into one. But he needed to play it cool, becase he was trending into lame-o land at a quick pace.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A boy who once wiped his ass with poison ivy probably doesn't belong in a smart people's club.
- Stephen King
On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Illium seems far too pretty to be dangerous.” Dmitri’s male beauty, by contrast, was a darker, edgier thing.
“No one ever expects him to take out a blade and slice off their balls,” he said with lethal amusement in his tone as he drove them toward the George
Washington Bridge. “He does it with such grace, too.
- Nalini Singh
Archangel's Blade
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Pumpkin, stop rubbing your ass against me. We gotta go! I don’t have time to do you now. Prioritize, woman.
- Kylie Scott
Play
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You should have told her differently,' said Hermione, still with that maddeningly patient air. 'You should have said it was really annoying, but I'd made you promise to come along to the Three Broomsticks, and you really didn't want to go, you'd much rather spend the whole day with her, but unfortunately you thought you really ought to meet me and would she please, please come along with you, and hopefully you'd be able to get away more quickly? And it might have been a good idea to mention how ugly you think I am too,' Hermione added as an afterthought.
'But I don't think you're ugly,' said Harry, bemused.
Hermione laughed.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Napoleon, when hearing about Laplace's latest book, said, 'M. Laplace, they tell me you have written this large book on the system of the universe, and have never even mentioned its creator.'

Laplace responds, 'Je n'avais pas besoin de cette hypothèse-là. (I had no need of that hypothesis.)
- Pierre-Simon Laplace
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The problem with having evil minions is that minions are stupid.
- Larissa Ione
Desire Unchained
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I totally carpe-d the snot out of this diem!
- Jerry Scott
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you stopped tellin' people it's all sorted out after they're dead, they might try sorting it all out while they're alive.
- Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Jocks usually aren't smart. Their muscles feast on their brains.
- Katie McGarry
Dare You To
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Heifer.”
“Rich man’s whore!”
“At least mine can cook the food he eats. And replaces it, too.”
“Now see, Dee-Ann Smith. That was just mean!
- Shelly Laurenston
Big Bad Beast
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Emilio appeared with wine before Cal could say anything, and Min beamed at him, grateful for the rescue. "Emilio, my darling. I forgot to mention cake boxes. Two hundred cake boxes."
"Already on it," Emilio said. "Nonna said you'd need them. She said to get four-inch-square boxes for three-inch-square cakes."
"I'm getting the boxes," Min said, nodding. "Sure. Great. Fine. Your grandmother is an angel and you are my hero. And of course, a genius with food."
"And you are my favorite customer." Emilio kissed her cheek and disappeared back into the kitchen.
"I love him," she told Cal.
"I noticed," Cal said. "Been seeing him behind my back, have you?"
"Yes," Min said. "We've been having conversations about cake."
"Whoa," Cal said. "For you, that's talking dirty.
- Jennifer Crusie
Bet Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The cow-shaped cookies have a beef flavoring, the turkey-shaped cookies have a poultry flavoring, and..."

Jane held up one of the cookies. "Human-flavored?"

Meg stifled a sigh. That would be the first thing on her feedback list: don't make people-shaped cookies. The Wolves were way too interested and all of them leaped to a logical, if disturbing, expectation about the taste.
- Anne Bishop
Murder of Crows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Drunken men give some of the best pep talks.
- Criss Jami
Killosophy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Here's something for you to remember; you might have been born into money, but you came out of a vagina the same as everyone else. Popping out of one that's rich doesn't make you anything but lucky, or susceptible to being stuck your own arse. Whichever.
- Suzanne Wright
From Rags
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're one of those guys who can make a party just by leaving it. It's a great gift.
- P.G. Wodehouse
The Girl in Blue
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
- James Thurber
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sorry. i just can't seem to help myself. My brain is freaking out. Two predawn mornings in a row. It doesn't know what to think, how to act. I'll have a talk with it later. Perhaps get it some counseling.
- Darynda Jones
Second Grave on the Left
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You understand Teacher, don't you, that when you have a mother who's an angel and a father who is a cannibal king, and when you have sailed on the ocean all your whole life, then you don't know just how to behave in school with all the apples and ibexes.
- Astrid Lindgren
Pippi Longstocking
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What?" Jace was still staring at her as if she'd told him she'd found one of the Silent Brothers doing nude cartwheels in the hallway.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Join us next time for Days of the Undead when Rachel learns her long lost brother is really a crown prince from outer space.
- Kim Harrison
Every Which Way But Dead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ignorance is bold, and knowledge is reserved
- Thucydides
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Who knows what goes on in the mind of a cat?
- Julie Kagawa
The Iron King
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She. Spoke. To. Him. First. It was like winning the lottery, getting laid, and climbing the highest cliff all rolled into one. But he needed to play it cool, becase he was trending into lame-o land at a quick pace.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A boy who once wiped his ass with poison ivy probably doesn't belong in a smart people's club.
- Stephen King
On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Illium seems far too pretty to be dangerous.” Dmitri’s male beauty, by contrast, was a darker, edgier thing.
“No one ever expects him to take out a blade and slice off their balls,” he said with lethal amusement in his tone as he drove them toward the George
Washington Bridge. “He does it with such grace, too.
- Nalini Singh
Archangel's Blade
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Pumpkin, stop rubbing your ass against me. We gotta go! I don’t have time to do you now. Prioritize, woman.
- Kylie Scott
Play
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You should have told her differently,' said Hermione, still with that maddeningly patient air. 'You should have said it was really annoying, but I'd made you promise to come along to the Three Broomsticks, and you really didn't want to go, you'd much rather spend the whole day with her, but unfortunately you thought you really ought to meet me and would she please, please come along with you, and hopefully you'd be able to get away more quickly? And it might have been a good idea to mention how ugly you think I am too,' Hermione added as an afterthought.
'But I don't think you're ugly,' said Harry, bemused.
Hermione laughed.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Napoleon, when hearing about Laplace's latest book, said, 'M. Laplace, they tell me you have written this large book on the system of the universe, and have never even mentioned its creator.'

Laplace responds, 'Je n'avais pas besoin de cette hypothèse-là. (I had no need of that hypothesis.)
- Pierre-Simon Laplace
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The problem with having evil minions is that minions are stupid.
- Larissa Ione
Desire Unchained
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I totally carpe-d the snot out of this diem!
- Jerry Scott
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you stopped tellin' people it's all sorted out after they're dead, they might try sorting it all out while they're alive.
- Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Jocks usually aren't smart. Their muscles feast on their brains.
- Katie McGarry
Dare You To
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Heifer.”
“Rich man’s whore!”
“At least mine can cook the food he eats. And replaces it, too.”
“Now see, Dee-Ann Smith. That was just mean!
- Shelly Laurenston
Big Bad Beast
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Emilio appeared with wine before Cal could say anything, and Min beamed at him, grateful for the rescue. "Emilio, my darling. I forgot to mention cake boxes. Two hundred cake boxes."
"Already on it," Emilio said. "Nonna said you'd need them. She said to get four-inch-square boxes for three-inch-square cakes."
"I'm getting the boxes," Min said, nodding. "Sure. Great. Fine. Your grandmother is an angel and you are my hero. And of course, a genius with food."
"And you are my favorite customer." Emilio kissed her cheek and disappeared back into the kitchen.
"I love him," she told Cal.
"I noticed," Cal said. "Been seeing him behind my back, have you?"
"Yes," Min said. "We've been having conversations about cake."
"Whoa," Cal said. "For you, that's talking dirty.
- Jennifer Crusie
Bet Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The cow-shaped cookies have a beef flavoring, the turkey-shaped cookies have a poultry flavoring, and..."

Jane held up one of the cookies. "Human-flavored?"

Meg stifled a sigh. That would be the first thing on her feedback list: don't make people-shaped cookies. The Wolves were way too interested and all of them leaped to a logical, if disturbing, expectation about the taste.
- Anne Bishop
Murder of Crows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Drunken men give some of the best pep talks.
- Criss Jami
Killosophy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Here's something for you to remember; you might have been born into money, but you came out of a vagina the same as everyone else. Popping out of one that's rich doesn't make you anything but lucky, or susceptible to being stuck your own arse. Whichever.
- Suzanne Wright
From Rags
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're one of those guys who can make a party just by leaving it. It's a great gift.
- P.G. Wodehouse
The Girl in Blue
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
- James Thurber
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sorry. i just can't seem to help myself. My brain is freaking out. Two predawn mornings in a row. It doesn't know what to think, how to act. I'll have a talk with it later. Perhaps get it some counseling.
- Darynda Jones
Second Grave on the Left
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You understand Teacher, don't you, that when you have a mother who's an angel and a father who is a cannibal king, and when you have sailed on the ocean all your whole life, then you don't know just how to behave in school with all the apples and ibexes.
- Astrid Lindgren
Pippi Longstocking
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What?" Jace was still staring at her as if she'd told him she'd found one of the Silent Brothers doing nude cartwheels in the hallway.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Join us next time for Days of the Undead when Rachel learns her long lost brother is really a crown prince from outer space.
- Kim Harrison
Every Which Way But Dead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ignorance is bold, and knowledge is reserved
- Thucydides
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Who knows what goes on in the mind of a cat?
- Julie Kagawa
The Iron King
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She. Spoke. To. Him. First. It was like winning the lottery, getting laid, and climbing the highest cliff all rolled into one. But he needed to play it cool, becase he was trending into lame-o land at a quick pace.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A boy who once wiped his ass with poison ivy probably doesn't belong in a smart people's club.
- Stephen King
On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Illium seems far too pretty to be dangerous.” Dmitri’s male beauty, by contrast, was a darker, edgier thing.
“No one ever expects him to take out a blade and slice off their balls,” he said with lethal amusement in his tone as he drove them toward the George
Washington Bridge. “He does it with such grace, too.
- Nalini Singh
Archangel's Blade
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Pumpkin, stop rubbing your ass against me. We gotta go! I don’t have time to do you now. Prioritize, woman.
- Kylie Scott
Play
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You should have told her differently,' said Hermione, still with that maddeningly patient air. 'You should have said it was really annoying, but I'd made you promise to come along to the Three Broomsticks, and you really didn't want to go, you'd much rather spend the whole day with her, but unfortunately you thought you really ought to meet me and would she please, please come along with you, and hopefully you'd be able to get away more quickly? And it might have been a good idea to mention how ugly you think I am too,' Hermione added as an afterthought.
'But I don't think you're ugly,' said Harry, bemused.
Hermione laughed.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Napoleon, when hearing about Laplace's latest book, said, 'M. Laplace, they tell me you have written this large book on the system of the universe, and have never even mentioned its creator.'

Laplace responds, 'Je n'avais pas besoin de cette hypothèse-là. (I had no need of that hypothesis.)
- Pierre-Simon Laplace
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The problem with having evil minions is that minions are stupid.
- Larissa Ione
Desire Unchained
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I totally carpe-d the snot out of this diem!
- Jerry Scott
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you stopped tellin' people it's all sorted out after they're dead, they might try sorting it all out while they're alive.
- Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Jocks usually aren't smart. Their muscles feast on their brains.
- Katie McGarry
Dare You To
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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67
68
69
70
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