TOPICS
SPEAKERS
HOME
BROWSE TOPICS
BROWSE SPEAKERS

FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
...
68
69
70
71
72
 		...
Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
- Josh Billings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Include me out.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
- Mitch Hedberg
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
- Lewis Black
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
- H. L. Mencken
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
- Fran Lebowitz
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
- Henny Youngman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
- Jay Leno
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
- James Thurber
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.
- Logan Pearsall Smith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.
- Jane Austen
Pride and Prejudice
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.
- Suzanne Collins
The Hunger Games
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What the hell is that?" I laughed.
"It's my fox hat."
"Your fox hat?"
"Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat."
"Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked.
"Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.
- John Green
Looking for Alaska
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You guessed? You must have been pretty sure, considering you could have killed me."
"I was ninety percent sure."
"I see," Clary said. There must have been something in her voice, because he turned to look at her. Her hand cracked across his face, a slap that rocked him back on his heels. He put his hands on his cheek, more in surprise than pain.
"What the hell was that for?"
"The other ten percent.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
- Josh Billings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Include me out.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
- Mitch Hedberg
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
- Lewis Black
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
- H. L. Mencken
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
- Fran Lebowitz
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
- Henny Youngman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
- Jay Leno
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
- James Thurber
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.
- Logan Pearsall Smith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.
- Jane Austen
Pride and Prejudice
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.
- Suzanne Collins
The Hunger Games
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What the hell is that?" I laughed.
"It's my fox hat."
"Your fox hat?"
"Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat."
"Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked.
"Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.
- John Green
Looking for Alaska
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You guessed? You must have been pretty sure, considering you could have killed me."
"I was ninety percent sure."
"I see," Clary said. There must have been something in her voice, because he turned to look at her. Her hand cracked across his face, a slap that rocked him back on his heels. He put his hands on his cheek, more in surprise than pain.
"What the hell was that for?"
"The other ten percent.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
- Josh Billings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Include me out.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
- Mitch Hedberg
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
- Lewis Black
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
- H. L. Mencken
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
- Fran Lebowitz
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
- Henny Youngman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
- Jay Leno
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
- James Thurber
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.
- Logan Pearsall Smith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.
- Jane Austen
Pride and Prejudice
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.
- Suzanne Collins
The Hunger Games
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What the hell is that?" I laughed.
"It's my fox hat."
"Your fox hat?"
"Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat."
"Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked.
"Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.
- John Green
Looking for Alaska
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You guessed? You must have been pretty sure, considering you could have killed me."
"I was ninety percent sure."
"I see," Clary said. There must have been something in her voice, because he turned to look at her. Her hand cracked across his face, a slap that rocked him back on his heels. He put his hands on his cheek, more in surprise than pain.
"What the hell was that for?"
"The other ten percent.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...
68
69
70
71
72
 		...