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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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We are all born mad. Some remain so.
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Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
- Don Marquis
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Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
- Joey Adams
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I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
- Demetri Martin
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Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
- Wilson Mizner
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A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
- Oliver Herford
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I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
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He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.
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I like marriage. The idea.
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Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
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If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry.
- O. Henry
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If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Joan Rivers
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Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks.
- Caroline Rhea
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The next time you have a thought... let it go.
- Ron White
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What after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
- Christopher Fry
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If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
- Demetri Martin
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There is nothing in the world that I loathe more than group activity, that communal bath where the hairy and slippery mix in a multiplication of mediocrity.
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Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
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Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
- Henry Kissinger
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If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
- Mel Brooks
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The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
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Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek?
- Tracey Ullman
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Every man has a sane spot somewhere.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We are all born mad. Some remain so.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
- Don Marquis
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
- Joey Adams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
- Demetri Martin
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
- Wilson Mizner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
- Oliver Herford
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I like marriage. The idea.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry.
- O. Henry
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Joan Rivers
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks.
- Caroline Rhea
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The next time you have a thought... let it go.
- Ron White
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
- Christopher Fry
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
- Demetri Martin
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There is nothing in the world that I loathe more than group activity, that communal bath where the hairy and slippery mix in a multiplication of mediocrity.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
- Henry Kissinger
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
- Mel Brooks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek?
- Tracey Ullman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Every man has a sane spot somewhere.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We are all born mad. Some remain so.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
- Don Marquis
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
- Joey Adams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
- Demetri Martin
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
- Wilson Mizner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
- Oliver Herford
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I like marriage. The idea.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry.
- O. Henry
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Joan Rivers
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks.
- Caroline Rhea
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The next time you have a thought... let it go.
- Ron White
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
- Christopher Fry
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
- Demetri Martin
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There is nothing in the world that I loathe more than group activity, that communal bath where the hairy and slippery mix in a multiplication of mediocrity.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
- Henry Kissinger
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
- Mel Brooks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek?
- Tracey Ullman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Every man has a sane spot somewhere.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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