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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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The champagne was dead. So it goes.
- Kurt Vonnegut
Slaughterhouse-Five
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Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a 'possum stuck in your collar?
- Bill Watterson
Calvin and Hobbes
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Ranger is an unusual name," she managed. "Is it a nickname?"
It's a street name," Ranger said. "I was a Ranger in the army."
I heard about them Rangers on TV," Grandma said. "I heard they get dogs pregnant."
My father's mouth dropped open and a piece of ham fell out.
My mother froze, her fork poised in midair.
That's sort of a joke," I told Grandma. "Rangers don't get dogs pregnant in real life."
I looked at Ranger for corroboration and got another smile.
- Janet Evanovich
Three to Get Deadly
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If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
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I never know," Harry called to Hagrid over the noise of the cart, "What's the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite?"
"Stalagmite's got an 'm' in it," said Hagrid.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
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Shane, in case we don’t … don’t come out of this, I wanted to say…”
He glanced over at her, and she felt her whole body warm from it. She remembered that look. It made her feel naked inside and out, but not in a creepy kind of way. In a way that felt…. Free. “If what you say is true, and I guess it has to be, I think I know why we’re … together,” he said. “I think I’d fall for you no matter what, Claire. You’re kind of awesome.
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
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Why can't these American women stay in their own country? They are always telling us that it is the paradise for women.'

'It is. That is the reason why, like Eve, they are so excessively anxious to get out of it.
- Oscar Wilde
The Picture of Dorian Gray
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Was that you, Pooky Bear?
- Susan Ee
World After
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
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The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way.
- James Finn Garner
Politically Correct Bedtime Stories
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If you're worried about safety, you might like to follow my example and put on that seat belt."
"The what?"
Xavier shook his head in disbelief.
"You worry me," he muttered.
- Alexandra Adornetto
Halo
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Cats were often familiars to workers of magic because to anyone used to wrestling with self-willed, wayward, devious magic—which was what all magic was—it was rather soothing to have all the same qualities wrapped up in a small, furry, generally attractive bundle that looked more or less the same from day to day and might, if it were in a good mood, sit on your knee and purr. Magic never sat on anybody’s knee and purred.
- Robin McKinley
Spindle's End
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Never attribute to malevolence what is merely due to incompetence
- Arthur C. Clarke
3001: The Final Odyssey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And you call yourself a Christian,' were Hilly's words to me and I thought, God. When did I ever do that?
- Kathryn Stockett
The Help
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I've won Satan's lottery.
- Christopher Moore
Bloodsucking Fiends
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Not daring to flee since my general location has just been broadcast to any killer who cares. I mean, I know it's cold out here and not everybody has a sleeping bag.
- Suzanne Collins
The Hunger Games
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You just put that sword away, sir, please," said the voice of Lance-Constable Vimes.
"You will not shoot me, you young idiot. That would be murder," said the captain calmly.
"Not where I'm aiming, sir.
- Terry Pratchett
Night Watch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People do not deserve good writing, they are so pleased with bad.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Death: "THERE ARE BETTER THINGS IN THE WORLD THAN ALCOHOL, ALBERT."
Albert: "Oh, yes, sir. But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're Hell's Angels, then? What chapter are you from?'

'REVELATIONS. CHAPTER SIX.
- Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Music is crucial. Beyond no way can I overstress this fact. Let's say you're southbound on the interstate, cruising alone in the middle lane, listening to AM radio. Up alongside comes a tractor trailer of logs or concrete pipe, a tie-down strap breaks, and the load dumps on top of your little sheetmetal ride. Crushed under a world of concrete, you're sandwiched like so much meat salad between layers of steel and glass. In that last, fast flutter of your eyelids, you looking down that long tunnel toward the bright God Light and your dead grandma walking up to hug you--do you want to be hearing another radio commercial for a mega, clearance, closeout, blow-out liquidation car-stereo sale?
- Chuck Palahniuk
Rant: An Oral Biography of Buster Casey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.
- Harold Wilson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The champagne was dead. So it goes.
- Kurt Vonnegut
Slaughterhouse-Five
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a 'possum stuck in your collar?
- Bill Watterson
Calvin and Hobbes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ranger is an unusual name," she managed. "Is it a nickname?"
It's a street name," Ranger said. "I was a Ranger in the army."
I heard about them Rangers on TV," Grandma said. "I heard they get dogs pregnant."
My father's mouth dropped open and a piece of ham fell out.
My mother froze, her fork poised in midair.
That's sort of a joke," I told Grandma. "Rangers don't get dogs pregnant in real life."
I looked at Ranger for corroboration and got another smile.
- Janet Evanovich
Three to Get Deadly
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I never know," Harry called to Hagrid over the noise of the cart, "What's the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite?"
"Stalagmite's got an 'm' in it," said Hagrid.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Shane, in case we don’t … don’t come out of this, I wanted to say…”
He glanced over at her, and she felt her whole body warm from it. She remembered that look. It made her feel naked inside and out, but not in a creepy kind of way. In a way that felt…. Free. “If what you say is true, and I guess it has to be, I think I know why we’re … together,” he said. “I think I’d fall for you no matter what, Claire. You’re kind of awesome.
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why can't these American women stay in their own country? They are always telling us that it is the paradise for women.'

'It is. That is the reason why, like Eve, they are so excessively anxious to get out of it.
- Oscar Wilde
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Was that you, Pooky Bear?
- Susan Ee
World After
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way.
- James Finn Garner
Politically Correct Bedtime Stories
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you're worried about safety, you might like to follow my example and put on that seat belt."
"The what?"
Xavier shook his head in disbelief.
"You worry me," he muttered.
- Alexandra Adornetto
Halo
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Cats were often familiars to workers of magic because to anyone used to wrestling with self-willed, wayward, devious magic—which was what all magic was—it was rather soothing to have all the same qualities wrapped up in a small, furry, generally attractive bundle that looked more or less the same from day to day and might, if it were in a good mood, sit on your knee and purr. Magic never sat on anybody’s knee and purred.
- Robin McKinley
Spindle's End
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Never attribute to malevolence what is merely due to incompetence
- Arthur C. Clarke
3001: The Final Odyssey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And you call yourself a Christian,' were Hilly's words to me and I thought, God. When did I ever do that?
- Kathryn Stockett
The Help
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've won Satan's lottery.
- Christopher Moore
Bloodsucking Fiends
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Not daring to flee since my general location has just been broadcast to any killer who cares. I mean, I know it's cold out here and not everybody has a sleeping bag.
- Suzanne Collins
The Hunger Games
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You just put that sword away, sir, please," said the voice of Lance-Constable Vimes.
"You will not shoot me, you young idiot. That would be murder," said the captain calmly.
"Not where I'm aiming, sir.
- Terry Pratchett
Night Watch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People do not deserve good writing, they are so pleased with bad.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Death: "THERE ARE BETTER THINGS IN THE WORLD THAN ALCOHOL, ALBERT."
Albert: "Oh, yes, sir. But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're Hell's Angels, then? What chapter are you from?'

'REVELATIONS. CHAPTER SIX.
- Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Music is crucial. Beyond no way can I overstress this fact. Let's say you're southbound on the interstate, cruising alone in the middle lane, listening to AM radio. Up alongside comes a tractor trailer of logs or concrete pipe, a tie-down strap breaks, and the load dumps on top of your little sheetmetal ride. Crushed under a world of concrete, you're sandwiched like so much meat salad between layers of steel and glass. In that last, fast flutter of your eyelids, you looking down that long tunnel toward the bright God Light and your dead grandma walking up to hug you--do you want to be hearing another radio commercial for a mega, clearance, closeout, blow-out liquidation car-stereo sale?
- Chuck Palahniuk
Rant: An Oral Biography of Buster Casey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.
- Harold Wilson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The champagne was dead. So it goes.
- Kurt Vonnegut
Slaughterhouse-Five
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a 'possum stuck in your collar?
- Bill Watterson
Calvin and Hobbes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ranger is an unusual name," she managed. "Is it a nickname?"
It's a street name," Ranger said. "I was a Ranger in the army."
I heard about them Rangers on TV," Grandma said. "I heard they get dogs pregnant."
My father's mouth dropped open and a piece of ham fell out.
My mother froze, her fork poised in midair.
That's sort of a joke," I told Grandma. "Rangers don't get dogs pregnant in real life."
I looked at Ranger for corroboration and got another smile.
- Janet Evanovich
Three to Get Deadly
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I never know," Harry called to Hagrid over the noise of the cart, "What's the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite?"
"Stalagmite's got an 'm' in it," said Hagrid.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Shane, in case we don’t … don’t come out of this, I wanted to say…”
He glanced over at her, and she felt her whole body warm from it. She remembered that look. It made her feel naked inside and out, but not in a creepy kind of way. In a way that felt…. Free. “If what you say is true, and I guess it has to be, I think I know why we’re … together,” he said. “I think I’d fall for you no matter what, Claire. You’re kind of awesome.
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why can't these American women stay in their own country? They are always telling us that it is the paradise for women.'

'It is. That is the reason why, like Eve, they are so excessively anxious to get out of it.
- Oscar Wilde
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Was that you, Pooky Bear?
- Susan Ee
World After
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way.
- James Finn Garner
Politically Correct Bedtime Stories
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you're worried about safety, you might like to follow my example and put on that seat belt."
"The what?"
Xavier shook his head in disbelief.
"You worry me," he muttered.
- Alexandra Adornetto
Halo
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Cats were often familiars to workers of magic because to anyone used to wrestling with self-willed, wayward, devious magic—which was what all magic was—it was rather soothing to have all the same qualities wrapped up in a small, furry, generally attractive bundle that looked more or less the same from day to day and might, if it were in a good mood, sit on your knee and purr. Magic never sat on anybody’s knee and purred.
- Robin McKinley
Spindle's End
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Never attribute to malevolence what is merely due to incompetence
- Arthur C. Clarke
3001: The Final Odyssey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And you call yourself a Christian,' were Hilly's words to me and I thought, God. When did I ever do that?
- Kathryn Stockett
The Help
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've won Satan's lottery.
- Christopher Moore
Bloodsucking Fiends
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Not daring to flee since my general location has just been broadcast to any killer who cares. I mean, I know it's cold out here and not everybody has a sleeping bag.
- Suzanne Collins
The Hunger Games
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You just put that sword away, sir, please," said the voice of Lance-Constable Vimes.
"You will not shoot me, you young idiot. That would be murder," said the captain calmly.
"Not where I'm aiming, sir.
- Terry Pratchett
Night Watch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People do not deserve good writing, they are so pleased with bad.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Death: "THERE ARE BETTER THINGS IN THE WORLD THAN ALCOHOL, ALBERT."
Albert: "Oh, yes, sir. But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're Hell's Angels, then? What chapter are you from?'

'REVELATIONS. CHAPTER SIX.
- Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Music is crucial. Beyond no way can I overstress this fact. Let's say you're southbound on the interstate, cruising alone in the middle lane, listening to AM radio. Up alongside comes a tractor trailer of logs or concrete pipe, a tie-down strap breaks, and the load dumps on top of your little sheetmetal ride. Crushed under a world of concrete, you're sandwiched like so much meat salad between layers of steel and glass. In that last, fast flutter of your eyelids, you looking down that long tunnel toward the bright God Light and your dead grandma walking up to hug you--do you want to be hearing another radio commercial for a mega, clearance, closeout, blow-out liquidation car-stereo sale?
- Chuck Palahniuk
Rant: An Oral Biography of Buster Casey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.
- Harold Wilson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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