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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.
- Logan Pearsall Smith
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When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
- Richard Lewis
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Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.
- Bill Hicks
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You see much more of your children once they leave home.
- Lucille Ball
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Turn up the lights. I don't want to go home in the dark.
- O. Henry
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To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is.
- Dick Cavett
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I think serial monogamy says it all.
- Tracey Ullman
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I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.
- Mickey Rooney
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Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
- Chevy Chase
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I can speak Esperanto like a native.
- Spike Milligan
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Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
- Bette Davis
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A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
- Bob Hope
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
- Emo Philips
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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
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Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?"
"Yes," said Harry stiffly.
"Yes, sir."
"There's no need to call me "sir" Professor."
The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
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Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources
- C.E.M. Joad
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Never memorize something that you can look up.
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I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer
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Let us find the dam snack bar," Zoe said. "We should eat while we can."
Grover cracked a smile. "The dam snack bar?"
Zoe blinked. "Yes. What is funny?"
"Nothing," Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. "I could use some dam french fries."
Even Thalia smiled at that. "And I need to use the dam restroom."
...
I started cracking up, and Thalia and Grover joined in, while Zoe just looked at me. "I do not understand."
"I want to use the dam water fountain," Grover said.
"And..." Thalia tried to catch her breath. "I want to buy a dam t-shirt.
- Rick Riordan
The Titan’s Curse
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I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
- Jerome K. Jerome
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Malachi scowled. "I don't remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane."
"They didn't," Magnus said. "Your wards are down."
"Really?" the Consul's voice dripped sarcasm. "I hadn't noticed."
Magnus looked concerned. "That's terrible. Someone should have told you." He glanced at Luke. "Tell him the wards are down.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
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I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,
Go throw your TV set away,
And in its place you can install
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.
Then fill the shelves with lots of books.
- Roald Dahl
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.
- Logan Pearsall Smith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
- Richard Lewis
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.
- Bill Hicks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You see much more of your children once they leave home.
- Lucille Ball
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Turn up the lights. I don't want to go home in the dark.
- O. Henry
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is.
- Dick Cavett
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think serial monogamy says it all.
- Tracey Ullman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.
- Mickey Rooney
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
- Chevy Chase
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I can speak Esperanto like a native.
- Spike Milligan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
- Bette Davis
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
- Bob Hope
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
- Emo Philips
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?"
"Yes," said Harry stiffly.
"Yes, sir."
"There's no need to call me "sir" Professor."
The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources
- C.E.M. Joad
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Never memorize something that you can look up.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Let us find the dam snack bar," Zoe said. "We should eat while we can."
Grover cracked a smile. "The dam snack bar?"
Zoe blinked. "Yes. What is funny?"
"Nothing," Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. "I could use some dam french fries."
Even Thalia smiled at that. "And I need to use the dam restroom."
...
I started cracking up, and Thalia and Grover joined in, while Zoe just looked at me. "I do not understand."
"I want to use the dam water fountain," Grover said.
"And..." Thalia tried to catch her breath. "I want to buy a dam t-shirt.
- Rick Riordan
The Titan’s Curse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
- Jerome K. Jerome
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Malachi scowled. "I don't remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane."
"They didn't," Magnus said. "Your wards are down."
"Really?" the Consul's voice dripped sarcasm. "I hadn't noticed."
Magnus looked concerned. "That's terrible. Someone should have told you." He glanced at Luke. "Tell him the wards are down.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,
Go throw your TV set away,
And in its place you can install
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.
Then fill the shelves with lots of books.
- Roald Dahl
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.
- Logan Pearsall Smith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
- Richard Lewis
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.
- Bill Hicks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You see much more of your children once they leave home.
- Lucille Ball
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Turn up the lights. I don't want to go home in the dark.
- O. Henry
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is.
- Dick Cavett
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think serial monogamy says it all.
- Tracey Ullman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.
- Mickey Rooney
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
- Chevy Chase
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I can speak Esperanto like a native.
- Spike Milligan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
- Bette Davis
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
- Bob Hope
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
- Emo Philips
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?"
"Yes," said Harry stiffly.
"Yes, sir."
"There's no need to call me "sir" Professor."
The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources
- C.E.M. Joad
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Never memorize something that you can look up.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Let us find the dam snack bar," Zoe said. "We should eat while we can."
Grover cracked a smile. "The dam snack bar?"
Zoe blinked. "Yes. What is funny?"
"Nothing," Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. "I could use some dam french fries."
Even Thalia smiled at that. "And I need to use the dam restroom."
...
I started cracking up, and Thalia and Grover joined in, while Zoe just looked at me. "I do not understand."
"I want to use the dam water fountain," Grover said.
"And..." Thalia tried to catch her breath. "I want to buy a dam t-shirt.
- Rick Riordan
The Titan’s Curse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
- Jerome K. Jerome
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Malachi scowled. "I don't remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane."
"They didn't," Magnus said. "Your wards are down."
"Really?" the Consul's voice dripped sarcasm. "I hadn't noticed."
Magnus looked concerned. "That's terrible. Someone should have told you." He glanced at Luke. "Tell him the wards are down.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,
Go throw your TV set away,
And in its place you can install
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.
Then fill the shelves with lots of books.
- Roald Dahl
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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82
83
84
85
86
 		...