TOPICS
SPEAKERS
HOME
BROWSE TOPICS
BROWSE SPEAKERS

FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
...
84
85
86
87
88
 		...
Ask me if I sparkle and I’ll kill you where you stand.” (Bones)
- Jeaniene Frost
This Side of the Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You are speaking of my future lover. Be more respectful.
- Charlaine Harris
Club Dead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor, and he smells like windex."
"At least you know he's still available.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Jace's eyes sparkled, but he said calmly, "Not at all. the Silent Brothers can help her retrieve her memories."
"You hate the Silent Brothers," protested Isabelle.
"I don't hate them," said Jace candidly."I'm afraid of them. It's not the same thing."
"I thought you said they were libarians," said Clary.
"They are librarians."
Simon whistled. "Those must be some killer late fees.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Very Good, Jeeves!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They turned to Angel. "We will call you Little One," the leader said, obviously deciding to dispense with the whole confusing name thing.
"Okay," said Angel agreeably. "I'll call you Guy in a White Lab Coat." He frowned.
"That can be his Indian name," I suggested.
- James Patterson
Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is Annabeth,” Jason said. “Uh, normally she doesn't judo-flip people.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you're horrible to me, I'm going to write a song about it, and you won't like it. That's how I operate.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't know if anyone's ever told you this", he begins. He doesn't blush, and his eyes don't dart away. Instead I find myself staring into a pair of oceans - one perfect, the other blemished by that tiny ripple. "You're very attractive."

I've been complimented on my appearance before. But never in his tone of voice. Of all the things he's said, I don't know why this catches me off guard. But it startles me so much that without thinking I blurt out, "I could say the same about you." I pause. "In case you didn't know."

A slow grin spreads across his face. "Oh, trust me. I know.
- Marie Lu
Legend
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everyone is a little crazy. The only difference between us and them is that they hide it better.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Evolution of Mara Dyer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
- Paul McCartney
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?
- Jess C. Scott
Wicked Lovely
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No. Now, shut up and eat your pears.
- Suzanne Collins
The Hunger Games
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So why in the name of Merlin’s saggy left —”
“Don’t talk to your mother like that.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it shorter."

(Letter 16, 1657)
- Blaise Pascal
The Provincial Letters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It unscrews the other way.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Procrastinate now, don't put it off.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.
- Rick Riordan
The Lost Hero
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, 'As pretty as an airport.
- Douglas Adams
The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A good night sleep, or a ten minute bawl, or a pint of chocolate ice cream, or all three together, is good medicine.
- Ray Bradbury
Dandelion Wine
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Nobody's ever asked me to a party before, as a friend. Is that why you dyed your eyebrow, for the party? Should I do mine too?
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What is it with you today?” says Christina on the way to breakfast. Her eyes are still
swollen from sleep and her tangled hair forms a fuzzy halo around her face.
“Oh, you know,” I say. “Sun shining. Birds chirping.”
She raises an eyebrow at me, as if reminding me that we are in an underground
tunnel.
- Veronica Roth
Divergent
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ask me if I sparkle and I’ll kill you where you stand.” (Bones)
- Jeaniene Frost
This Side of the Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You are speaking of my future lover. Be more respectful.
- Charlaine Harris
Club Dead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor, and he smells like windex."
"At least you know he's still available.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Jace's eyes sparkled, but he said calmly, "Not at all. the Silent Brothers can help her retrieve her memories."
"You hate the Silent Brothers," protested Isabelle.
"I don't hate them," said Jace candidly."I'm afraid of them. It's not the same thing."
"I thought you said they were libarians," said Clary.
"They are librarians."
Simon whistled. "Those must be some killer late fees.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Very Good, Jeeves!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They turned to Angel. "We will call you Little One," the leader said, obviously deciding to dispense with the whole confusing name thing.
"Okay," said Angel agreeably. "I'll call you Guy in a White Lab Coat." He frowned.
"That can be his Indian name," I suggested.
- James Patterson
Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is Annabeth,” Jason said. “Uh, normally she doesn't judo-flip people.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you're horrible to me, I'm going to write a song about it, and you won't like it. That's how I operate.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't know if anyone's ever told you this", he begins. He doesn't blush, and his eyes don't dart away. Instead I find myself staring into a pair of oceans - one perfect, the other blemished by that tiny ripple. "You're very attractive."

I've been complimented on my appearance before. But never in his tone of voice. Of all the things he's said, I don't know why this catches me off guard. But it startles me so much that without thinking I blurt out, "I could say the same about you." I pause. "In case you didn't know."

A slow grin spreads across his face. "Oh, trust me. I know.
- Marie Lu
Legend
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everyone is a little crazy. The only difference between us and them is that they hide it better.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Evolution of Mara Dyer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
- Paul McCartney
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?
- Jess C. Scott
Wicked Lovely
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No. Now, shut up and eat your pears.
- Suzanne Collins
The Hunger Games
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So why in the name of Merlin’s saggy left —”
“Don’t talk to your mother like that.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it shorter."

(Letter 16, 1657)
- Blaise Pascal
The Provincial Letters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It unscrews the other way.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Procrastinate now, don't put it off.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.
- Rick Riordan
The Lost Hero
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, 'As pretty as an airport.
- Douglas Adams
The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A good night sleep, or a ten minute bawl, or a pint of chocolate ice cream, or all three together, is good medicine.
- Ray Bradbury
Dandelion Wine
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Nobody's ever asked me to a party before, as a friend. Is that why you dyed your eyebrow, for the party? Should I do mine too?
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What is it with you today?” says Christina on the way to breakfast. Her eyes are still
swollen from sleep and her tangled hair forms a fuzzy halo around her face.
“Oh, you know,” I say. “Sun shining. Birds chirping.”
She raises an eyebrow at me, as if reminding me that we are in an underground
tunnel.
- Veronica Roth
Divergent
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ask me if I sparkle and I’ll kill you where you stand.” (Bones)
- Jeaniene Frost
This Side of the Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You are speaking of my future lover. Be more respectful.
- Charlaine Harris
Club Dead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor, and he smells like windex."
"At least you know he's still available.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Jace's eyes sparkled, but he said calmly, "Not at all. the Silent Brothers can help her retrieve her memories."
"You hate the Silent Brothers," protested Isabelle.
"I don't hate them," said Jace candidly."I'm afraid of them. It's not the same thing."
"I thought you said they were libarians," said Clary.
"They are librarians."
Simon whistled. "Those must be some killer late fees.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Very Good, Jeeves!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They turned to Angel. "We will call you Little One," the leader said, obviously deciding to dispense with the whole confusing name thing.
"Okay," said Angel agreeably. "I'll call you Guy in a White Lab Coat." He frowned.
"That can be his Indian name," I suggested.
- James Patterson
Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This is Annabeth,” Jason said. “Uh, normally she doesn't judo-flip people.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you're horrible to me, I'm going to write a song about it, and you won't like it. That's how I operate.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't know if anyone's ever told you this", he begins. He doesn't blush, and his eyes don't dart away. Instead I find myself staring into a pair of oceans - one perfect, the other blemished by that tiny ripple. "You're very attractive."

I've been complimented on my appearance before. But never in his tone of voice. Of all the things he's said, I don't know why this catches me off guard. But it startles me so much that without thinking I blurt out, "I could say the same about you." I pause. "In case you didn't know."

A slow grin spreads across his face. "Oh, trust me. I know.
- Marie Lu
Legend
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everyone is a little crazy. The only difference between us and them is that they hide it better.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Evolution of Mara Dyer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
- Paul McCartney
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?
- Jess C. Scott
Wicked Lovely
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No. Now, shut up and eat your pears.
- Suzanne Collins
The Hunger Games
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So why in the name of Merlin’s saggy left —”
“Don’t talk to your mother like that.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it shorter."

(Letter 16, 1657)
- Blaise Pascal
The Provincial Letters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It unscrews the other way.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Procrastinate now, don't put it off.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.
- Rick Riordan
The Lost Hero
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, 'As pretty as an airport.
- Douglas Adams
The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A good night sleep, or a ten minute bawl, or a pint of chocolate ice cream, or all three together, is good medicine.
- Ray Bradbury
Dandelion Wine
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Nobody's ever asked me to a party before, as a friend. Is that why you dyed your eyebrow, for the party? Should I do mine too?
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What is it with you today?” says Christina on the way to breakfast. Her eyes are still
swollen from sleep and her tangled hair forms a fuzzy halo around her face.
“Oh, you know,” I say. “Sun shining. Birds chirping.”
She raises an eyebrow at me, as if reminding me that we are in an underground
tunnel.
- Veronica Roth
Divergent
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...
84
85
86
87
88
 		...