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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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(Media question to Beatles during first U.S. tour 1964)
"How do you find America?"
"Turn left at Greenland.
- Ringo Starr
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I can't go on, I'll go on.
- Samuel Beckett
I Can't Go On, I'll Go On: A Samuel Beckett Reader
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Fine! I'll throw on some clothes. Turn around. I'm in my pj's"
"I'm a guy. That's like asking a kid not to glance at the candy counter.
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Anybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days.
- Flannery O'Connor
Mystery and Manners: Occasional Prose
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Erre es korakas, Blinky!" Dionysus cursed. "I will have your soul!
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
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The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.
- Terry Pratchett
Equal Rites
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Then you remember the dream,” Mencheres stated. “That bodes ill.”
 
The fear of that made my reply snappy. “Hey, Walks Like An Egyptian, how about for once you drop the formal stuff and talk like you live in the twenty-first century?”
 
The shit’s gonna splatter, start buggin’, yo,” Mencheres responded instantly.
 
I stared at him, then burst out laughing, which was highly inappropriate considering the very grave warning he’d just conveyed.
- Jeaniene Frost
Destined for an Early Grave
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Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.
- Criss Jami
Killosophy
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If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.
- David Sedaris
Me Talk Pretty One Day
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If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
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If we're going to the Silent City, you might want to get dressed. I mean, I appreciate the bra-and-panties look, but I don't know if the Silent Brothers will. There are only a few of the left, and I don't want them to die of excitement.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
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That was the funniest thing I'd heard in days.
You're kidding, right? PLEASE tell me you have a stronger motive for me than 'fair is fair.' Life isn't FAIR, Dean....Nothing is fair, EVER. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I need to help you because FAIR IS FAIR? Try, 'I need you to help me so I won't rip out your spine and beat you with it.' I MIGHT respond to that. MAYBE.
- James Patterson
School's Out—Forever
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The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, Potter... or at least, most minds are...
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Many people could say things in a cutting way, Nanny knew. But Granny Weatherwax could listen in a cutting way. She could make something sound stupid just by hearing it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
EARLY BIRD
Oh, if you’re a bird, be an early bird
And catch the worm for your breakfast plate.
If you’re a bird, be an early early bird--
But if you’re a worm, sleep late.
- Shel Silverstein
Where the Sidewalk Ends
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THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
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Would you mind repeating that? I'm afraid I might have lost my wits altogether and just hallucinated what I've longed to hear.
- Jeaniene Frost
Halfway to the Grave
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Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course. Piracy, for example, is a tradition that has been carried on for hundreds of years, but that doesn't mean we should all attack ships and steal their gold.
- Lemony Snicket
Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
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It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it makes a better soup.
- H.L. Mencken
A Book of Burlesques
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I can't give you the white picket fence, and if I did, you'd set it on fire.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Bleeds
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I don't put up with being messed around, and I don't suffer fools gladly. The short version of that is that I'm a bitch. Trust me, I can provide character references.
- Robin McKinley
Sunshine
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
(Media question to Beatles during first U.S. tour 1964)
"How do you find America?"
"Turn left at Greenland.
- Ringo Starr
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I can't go on, I'll go on.
- Samuel Beckett
I Can't Go On, I'll Go On: A Samuel Beckett Reader
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Fine! I'll throw on some clothes. Turn around. I'm in my pj's"
"I'm a guy. That's like asking a kid not to glance at the candy counter.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Anybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days.
- Flannery O'Connor
Mystery and Manners: Occasional Prose
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Erre es korakas, Blinky!" Dionysus cursed. "I will have your soul!
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.
- Terry Pratchett
Equal Rites
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Then you remember the dream,” Mencheres stated. “That bodes ill.”
 
The fear of that made my reply snappy. “Hey, Walks Like An Egyptian, how about for once you drop the formal stuff and talk like you live in the twenty-first century?”
 
The shit’s gonna splatter, start buggin’, yo,” Mencheres responded instantly.
 
I stared at him, then burst out laughing, which was highly inappropriate considering the very grave warning he’d just conveyed.
- Jeaniene Frost
Destined for an Early Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.
- Criss Jami
Killosophy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.
- David Sedaris
Me Talk Pretty One Day
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If we're going to the Silent City, you might want to get dressed. I mean, I appreciate the bra-and-panties look, but I don't know if the Silent Brothers will. There are only a few of the left, and I don't want them to die of excitement.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That was the funniest thing I'd heard in days.
You're kidding, right? PLEASE tell me you have a stronger motive for me than 'fair is fair.' Life isn't FAIR, Dean....Nothing is fair, EVER. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I need to help you because FAIR IS FAIR? Try, 'I need you to help me so I won't rip out your spine and beat you with it.' I MIGHT respond to that. MAYBE.
- James Patterson
School's Out—Forever
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, Potter... or at least, most minds are...
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Many people could say things in a cutting way, Nanny knew. But Granny Weatherwax could listen in a cutting way. She could make something sound stupid just by hearing it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
EARLY BIRD
Oh, if you’re a bird, be an early bird
And catch the worm for your breakfast plate.
If you’re a bird, be an early early bird--
But if you’re a worm, sleep late.
- Shel Silverstein
Where the Sidewalk Ends
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Would you mind repeating that? I'm afraid I might have lost my wits altogether and just hallucinated what I've longed to hear.
- Jeaniene Frost
Halfway to the Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course. Piracy, for example, is a tradition that has been carried on for hundreds of years, but that doesn't mean we should all attack ships and steal their gold.
- Lemony Snicket
Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it makes a better soup.
- H.L. Mencken
A Book of Burlesques
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I can't give you the white picket fence, and if I did, you'd set it on fire.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Bleeds
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't put up with being messed around, and I don't suffer fools gladly. The short version of that is that I'm a bitch. Trust me, I can provide character references.
- Robin McKinley
Sunshine
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
(Media question to Beatles during first U.S. tour 1964)
"How do you find America?"
"Turn left at Greenland.
- Ringo Starr
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I can't go on, I'll go on.
- Samuel Beckett
I Can't Go On, I'll Go On: A Samuel Beckett Reader
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Fine! I'll throw on some clothes. Turn around. I'm in my pj's"
"I'm a guy. That's like asking a kid not to glance at the candy counter.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Anybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days.
- Flannery O'Connor
Mystery and Manners: Occasional Prose
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Erre es korakas, Blinky!" Dionysus cursed. "I will have your soul!
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.
- Terry Pratchett
Equal Rites
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Then you remember the dream,” Mencheres stated. “That bodes ill.”
 
The fear of that made my reply snappy. “Hey, Walks Like An Egyptian, how about for once you drop the formal stuff and talk like you live in the twenty-first century?”
 
The shit’s gonna splatter, start buggin’, yo,” Mencheres responded instantly.
 
I stared at him, then burst out laughing, which was highly inappropriate considering the very grave warning he’d just conveyed.
- Jeaniene Frost
Destined for an Early Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.
- Criss Jami
Killosophy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.
- David Sedaris
Me Talk Pretty One Day
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If we're going to the Silent City, you might want to get dressed. I mean, I appreciate the bra-and-panties look, but I don't know if the Silent Brothers will. There are only a few of the left, and I don't want them to die of excitement.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That was the funniest thing I'd heard in days.
You're kidding, right? PLEASE tell me you have a stronger motive for me than 'fair is fair.' Life isn't FAIR, Dean....Nothing is fair, EVER. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I need to help you because FAIR IS FAIR? Try, 'I need you to help me so I won't rip out your spine and beat you with it.' I MIGHT respond to that. MAYBE.
- James Patterson
School's Out—Forever
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, Potter... or at least, most minds are...
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Many people could say things in a cutting way, Nanny knew. But Granny Weatherwax could listen in a cutting way. She could make something sound stupid just by hearing it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
EARLY BIRD
Oh, if you’re a bird, be an early bird
And catch the worm for your breakfast plate.
If you’re a bird, be an early early bird--
But if you’re a worm, sleep late.
- Shel Silverstein
Where the Sidewalk Ends
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Would you mind repeating that? I'm afraid I might have lost my wits altogether and just hallucinated what I've longed to hear.
- Jeaniene Frost
Halfway to the Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course. Piracy, for example, is a tradition that has been carried on for hundreds of years, but that doesn't mean we should all attack ships and steal their gold.
- Lemony Snicket
Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it makes a better soup.
- H.L. Mencken
A Book of Burlesques
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I can't give you the white picket fence, and if I did, you'd set it on fire.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Bleeds
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't put up with being messed around, and I don't suffer fools gladly. The short version of that is that I'm a bitch. Trust me, I can provide character references.
- Robin McKinley
Sunshine
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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86
87
88
89
 		...