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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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There are always some lunatics about. It would be a dull world without them.
- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
The Red-Headed League
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The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is why he made so many of them.
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the [coat] rack above his head like a javelin.
On the other side of the door was Jace. He blinked. "Is that a coatrack?"
Jordan slammed the coatrack down on the ground and sighed. "If you'd been a vampire, this would have been a lot more useful."
"Yes," said Jace. "Or, you know, just someone with a lot of coats.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
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My own opinion is enough for me, and I claim the right to have it defended against any consensus, any majority, anywhere, any place, any time. And anyone who disagrees with this can pick a number, get in line, and kiss my ass.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I commend my soul to any god that can find it.
- Terry Pratchett
Going Postal
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The thin how-to book belonging to Smittie had a dark and perplexing title—HOW TO COMMIT SUICIDE EFFECTIVELY EVERY TIME.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I feel ill," [Howl] announced. "I'm going to bed, where I may die.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
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Helloooo? I just made some changes in my life, and if I don't get back to you as soon as possible, then guess what? You were one of those changes.
- Rumiko Takahashi
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Fiction was invented the day Jonah arrived home and told his wife that he was three days late because he had been swallowed by a whale..
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It doesn't matter how fat I get, my online avatars are unchanging.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What a waste of trees ... that adoption author is definitely a tree killer. ... I wish trees would sprout legs and come barging through the front doors and seek revenge for their obliterated brethren by ramming themselves down his goddamn throat.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
God knows I had not wanted to fall in love with her. I had not wanted to fall in love with any one. But God knows I had and I lay on the bed in the room of the hospital in Milan and all sorts of things went through my head but I felt wonderful...
- Ernest Hemingway
A Farewell to Arms
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Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."

[Mark Twain, a Biography]
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We're playing Scrabble. It's a nightmare."

"Scrabble?" He sounds surprised. "Scrabble's great."

"Not when you're playing with a family of geniuses, it's not. They all put words like 'iridiums'. And I put 'pig'.
- Sophie Kinsella
I've Got Your Number
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?
- Bill Watterson
The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: a Calvin and Hobbes Treasury
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.
- Ellen DeGeneres
Seriously... I'm Kidding
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding.
- John Updike
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for—in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
- Ellen Goodman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Marsh: Our best efforts were never even a mild annoyance to the Lord Ruler."
Kelsier: Ah, but being an annoyance is something that I am very good at. In fact, I'm far more than just a 'mild' annoyance--people tell me I can be downright frustrating. Might as well use this talent for the cause of good, eh?
- Brandon Sanderson
Mistborn: The Final Empire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Most men don't seem to get that telling a pissed-off woman to calm down is like throwing gunpowder on a fire.”

~ Liberty Jones
- Lisa Kleypas
Sugar Daddy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Speak in French when you can’t think of the English for a thing--
turn your toes out when you walk---
And remember who you are!
- Lewis Carroll
Through The Looking Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wit is educated insolence.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Beds empty! No note! Car gone — could have crashed — out of my mind with worry — did you care? — never, as long as I’ve lived — you wait until your father gets home, we never had trouble like this from Bill or Charlie or Percy —"
"Perfect Percy,” muttered Fred.
“YOU COULD DO WITH TAKING A LEAF OUT OF PERCY’S BOOK!” yelled Mrs. Weasley, prodding a finger in Fred’s chest. “You could have died, you could have been seen, you could have lost your father his job —”
It seemed to go on for hours. Mrs. Weasley had shouted herself hoarse before she turned on Harry, who backed away.
“I’m very pleased to see you, Harry, dear,” she said.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are always some lunatics about. It would be a dull world without them.
- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
The Red-Headed League
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is why he made so many of them.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
the [coat] rack above his head like a javelin.
On the other side of the door was Jace. He blinked. "Is that a coatrack?"
Jordan slammed the coatrack down on the ground and sighed. "If you'd been a vampire, this would have been a lot more useful."
"Yes," said Jace. "Or, you know, just someone with a lot of coats.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My own opinion is enough for me, and I claim the right to have it defended against any consensus, any majority, anywhere, any place, any time. And anyone who disagrees with this can pick a number, get in line, and kiss my ass.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I commend my soul to any god that can find it.
- Terry Pratchett
Going Postal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The thin how-to book belonging to Smittie had a dark and perplexing title—HOW TO COMMIT SUICIDE EFFECTIVELY EVERY TIME.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I feel ill," [Howl] announced. "I'm going to bed, where I may die.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Helloooo? I just made some changes in my life, and if I don't get back to you as soon as possible, then guess what? You were one of those changes.
- Rumiko Takahashi
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Fiction was invented the day Jonah arrived home and told his wife that he was three days late because he had been swallowed by a whale..
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It doesn't matter how fat I get, my online avatars are unchanging.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What a waste of trees ... that adoption author is definitely a tree killer. ... I wish trees would sprout legs and come barging through the front doors and seek revenge for their obliterated brethren by ramming themselves down his goddamn throat.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
God knows I had not wanted to fall in love with her. I had not wanted to fall in love with any one. But God knows I had and I lay on the bed in the room of the hospital in Milan and all sorts of things went through my head but I felt wonderful...
- Ernest Hemingway
A Farewell to Arms
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."

[Mark Twain, a Biography]
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We're playing Scrabble. It's a nightmare."

"Scrabble?" He sounds surprised. "Scrabble's great."

"Not when you're playing with a family of geniuses, it's not. They all put words like 'iridiums'. And I put 'pig'.
- Sophie Kinsella
I've Got Your Number
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?
- Bill Watterson
The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: a Calvin and Hobbes Treasury
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.
- Ellen DeGeneres
Seriously... I'm Kidding
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding.
- John Updike
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for—in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
- Ellen Goodman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Marsh: Our best efforts were never even a mild annoyance to the Lord Ruler."
Kelsier: Ah, but being an annoyance is something that I am very good at. In fact, I'm far more than just a 'mild' annoyance--people tell me I can be downright frustrating. Might as well use this talent for the cause of good, eh?
- Brandon Sanderson
Mistborn: The Final Empire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Most men don't seem to get that telling a pissed-off woman to calm down is like throwing gunpowder on a fire.”

~ Liberty Jones
- Lisa Kleypas
Sugar Daddy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Speak in French when you can’t think of the English for a thing--
turn your toes out when you walk---
And remember who you are!
- Lewis Carroll
Through The Looking Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wit is educated insolence.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Beds empty! No note! Car gone — could have crashed — out of my mind with worry — did you care? — never, as long as I’ve lived — you wait until your father gets home, we never had trouble like this from Bill or Charlie or Percy —"
"Perfect Percy,” muttered Fred.
“YOU COULD DO WITH TAKING A LEAF OUT OF PERCY’S BOOK!” yelled Mrs. Weasley, prodding a finger in Fred’s chest. “You could have died, you could have been seen, you could have lost your father his job —”
It seemed to go on for hours. Mrs. Weasley had shouted herself hoarse before she turned on Harry, who backed away.
“I’m very pleased to see you, Harry, dear,” she said.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are always some lunatics about. It would be a dull world without them.
- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
The Red-Headed League
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is why he made so many of them.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
the [coat] rack above his head like a javelin.
On the other side of the door was Jace. He blinked. "Is that a coatrack?"
Jordan slammed the coatrack down on the ground and sighed. "If you'd been a vampire, this would have been a lot more useful."
"Yes," said Jace. "Or, you know, just someone with a lot of coats.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My own opinion is enough for me, and I claim the right to have it defended against any consensus, any majority, anywhere, any place, any time. And anyone who disagrees with this can pick a number, get in line, and kiss my ass.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I commend my soul to any god that can find it.
- Terry Pratchett
Going Postal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The thin how-to book belonging to Smittie had a dark and perplexing title—HOW TO COMMIT SUICIDE EFFECTIVELY EVERY TIME.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I feel ill," [Howl] announced. "I'm going to bed, where I may die.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Helloooo? I just made some changes in my life, and if I don't get back to you as soon as possible, then guess what? You were one of those changes.
- Rumiko Takahashi
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Fiction was invented the day Jonah arrived home and told his wife that he was three days late because he had been swallowed by a whale..
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It doesn't matter how fat I get, my online avatars are unchanging.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What a waste of trees ... that adoption author is definitely a tree killer. ... I wish trees would sprout legs and come barging through the front doors and seek revenge for their obliterated brethren by ramming themselves down his goddamn throat.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
God knows I had not wanted to fall in love with her. I had not wanted to fall in love with any one. But God knows I had and I lay on the bed in the room of the hospital in Milan and all sorts of things went through my head but I felt wonderful...
- Ernest Hemingway
A Farewell to Arms
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."

[Mark Twain, a Biography]
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We're playing Scrabble. It's a nightmare."

"Scrabble?" He sounds surprised. "Scrabble's great."

"Not when you're playing with a family of geniuses, it's not. They all put words like 'iridiums'. And I put 'pig'.
- Sophie Kinsella
I've Got Your Number
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?
- Bill Watterson
The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: a Calvin and Hobbes Treasury
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.
- Ellen DeGeneres
Seriously... I'm Kidding
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding.
- John Updike
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for—in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
- Ellen Goodman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Marsh: Our best efforts were never even a mild annoyance to the Lord Ruler."
Kelsier: Ah, but being an annoyance is something that I am very good at. In fact, I'm far more than just a 'mild' annoyance--people tell me I can be downright frustrating. Might as well use this talent for the cause of good, eh?
- Brandon Sanderson
Mistborn: The Final Empire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Most men don't seem to get that telling a pissed-off woman to calm down is like throwing gunpowder on a fire.”

~ Liberty Jones
- Lisa Kleypas
Sugar Daddy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Speak in French when you can’t think of the English for a thing--
turn your toes out when you walk---
And remember who you are!
- Lewis Carroll
Through The Looking Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wit is educated insolence.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Beds empty! No note! Car gone — could have crashed — out of my mind with worry — did you care? — never, as long as I’ve lived — you wait until your father gets home, we never had trouble like this from Bill or Charlie or Percy —"
"Perfect Percy,” muttered Fred.
“YOU COULD DO WITH TAKING A LEAF OUT OF PERCY’S BOOK!” yelled Mrs. Weasley, prodding a finger in Fred’s chest. “You could have died, you could have been seen, you could have lost your father his job —”
It seemed to go on for hours. Mrs. Weasley had shouted herself hoarse before she turned on Harry, who backed away.
“I’m very pleased to see you, Harry, dear,” she said.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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