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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
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I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
- Ron White
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It is one of those lessons that every child should learn: Don't play with fire, sharp objects, or ancient artifacts.
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My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
- Chelsea Handler
My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
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I’m very much down to earth, just not this earth.
- Karl Lagerfeld
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She's so small, yet she contains so much evil.
- Christopher Moore
Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings
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When you say gorgeous,” Jen started, “are we talking Brad Pitt boyish good looks, or Johnny Depp make ya want to slap somebody?” “No, we’re talking Brad and Johnny need to bow down and recognize” Jacque answered.
- Quinn Loftis
Prince of Wolves
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I had just heard tales that the Valkyrie were large warriors, akin to Amazons.”

“If you’re the sole survivor of an army attacked by us, are you going to say we had our asses handed to us by petite, nubile females, or by she-monsters who can bench Buicks?
- Kresley Cole
No Rest for the Wicked
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Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!
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One morning you wake up with more life behind you than in front of you, not being able to understand how it’s happened.
- Fredrik Backman
Britt-Marie var här
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Katniss: 'What about you? Ive seen you in the market. You can lift hundred pound bags of flour'. I snap at him
Tell him that. Thats not nothing.
Peeta: Yes and Im sure the arena will be full of bags of flour for me to chuck at people.
- Suzanne Collins
The Hunger Games
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When he finished, he drank from the cup. Everyone else did too, so I followed suit.
And nearly choked to death.
It was like fire in liquid form. It took every ounce of strength I had to swallow it and not spray it on those around me.
"Wh...what is this?" I asked, coughing.
Viktoria grinned. "Vodka."
I peered at the glass. "No, it isn't. I've had vodka before."
"Not Russian vodka."
Apparently not.
- Richelle Mead
Blood Promise
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The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
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Enormous? Did you just call me FAT? I am not fat. - Jace
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We spend money that we do not have, on things we do not need, to impress people who do not care.
- Will Smith
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Frank didn’t drop you on purpose,” she said. “He’s not like that. He’s just a little clumsy sometimes.”

“Oops,” Leo said, in his best Frank Zhang voice. “Dropped Leo into a squad of enemy soldiers. Dang it!
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The more excited I get, the more I vibrate."
"Now there's a thought," Lor says.
"If you mean what I think you mean, you want to shut the fuck up and never think it again," Ryodan says.
- Karen Marie Moning
Iced
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You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.
- Justin Halpern
Sh*t My Dad Says
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So many things to see, people to do.
- Neil Gaiman
Neverwhere
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Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ah, Signor Halt,' he said uncertainly, 'you are making a joke, yes?'
'He is making a joke, no,' Will said. 'But he likes to think he is making a joke, yes.
- John Flanagan
The Emperor of Nihon-Ja
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She shrugs."Men"
"Men."
"If we can send one man to the moon, why can't we send them all there?
- Cynthia Hand
Boundless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm seven hundred years old, Alexander. I know when something isn't going to work. You won't even admit I exist to your parents."
Alec stared at him. "I thought you were three hundred! You're seven huundred years old?"
"Well," Magnus amended, "eight hundred. But I dont look it. Anyway, you're missing the point. The point is-"
But Alec never found out what the point was because at that moment a dozen more Iblis demons flooded into the square. He felt his jaw drop. "Damn it."
Magnus followed his gaze. the demons were already fanning out into a half circle around them, their yellow eyes glowing. "Way to change the subject, Lightwood.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Georgie, stop trying to resurrect the shoes. They were never alive in the first place.
- Ilona Andrews
On the Edge
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
- Ron White
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is one of those lessons that every child should learn: Don't play with fire, sharp objects, or ancient artifacts.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
- Chelsea Handler
My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’m very much down to earth, just not this earth.
- Karl Lagerfeld
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She's so small, yet she contains so much evil.
- Christopher Moore
Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When you say gorgeous,” Jen started, “are we talking Brad Pitt boyish good looks, or Johnny Depp make ya want to slap somebody?” “No, we’re talking Brad and Johnny need to bow down and recognize” Jacque answered.
- Quinn Loftis
Prince of Wolves
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I had just heard tales that the Valkyrie were large warriors, akin to Amazons.”

“If you’re the sole survivor of an army attacked by us, are you going to say we had our asses handed to us by petite, nubile females, or by she-monsters who can bench Buicks?
- Kresley Cole
No Rest for the Wicked
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
One morning you wake up with more life behind you than in front of you, not being able to understand how it’s happened.
- Fredrik Backman
Britt-Marie var här
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Katniss: 'What about you? Ive seen you in the market. You can lift hundred pound bags of flour'. I snap at him
Tell him that. Thats not nothing.
Peeta: Yes and Im sure the arena will be full of bags of flour for me to chuck at people.
- Suzanne Collins
The Hunger Games
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When he finished, he drank from the cup. Everyone else did too, so I followed suit.
And nearly choked to death.
It was like fire in liquid form. It took every ounce of strength I had to swallow it and not spray it on those around me.
"Wh...what is this?" I asked, coughing.
Viktoria grinned. "Vodka."
I peered at the glass. "No, it isn't. I've had vodka before."
"Not Russian vodka."
Apparently not.
- Richelle Mead
Blood Promise
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Enormous? Did you just call me FAT? I am not fat. - Jace
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We spend money that we do not have, on things we do not need, to impress people who do not care.
- Will Smith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Frank didn’t drop you on purpose,” she said. “He’s not like that. He’s just a little clumsy sometimes.”

“Oops,” Leo said, in his best Frank Zhang voice. “Dropped Leo into a squad of enemy soldiers. Dang it!
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The more excited I get, the more I vibrate."
"Now there's a thought," Lor says.
"If you mean what I think you mean, you want to shut the fuck up and never think it again," Ryodan says.
- Karen Marie Moning
Iced
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.
- Justin Halpern
Sh*t My Dad Says
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So many things to see, people to do.
- Neil Gaiman
Neverwhere
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ah, Signor Halt,' he said uncertainly, 'you are making a joke, yes?'
'He is making a joke, no,' Will said. 'But he likes to think he is making a joke, yes.
- John Flanagan
The Emperor of Nihon-Ja
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She shrugs."Men"
"Men."
"If we can send one man to the moon, why can't we send them all there?
- Cynthia Hand
Boundless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm seven hundred years old, Alexander. I know when something isn't going to work. You won't even admit I exist to your parents."
Alec stared at him. "I thought you were three hundred! You're seven huundred years old?"
"Well," Magnus amended, "eight hundred. But I dont look it. Anyway, you're missing the point. The point is-"
But Alec never found out what the point was because at that moment a dozen more Iblis demons flooded into the square. He felt his jaw drop. "Damn it."
Magnus followed his gaze. the demons were already fanning out into a half circle around them, their yellow eyes glowing. "Way to change the subject, Lightwood.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Georgie, stop trying to resurrect the shoes. They were never alive in the first place.
- Ilona Andrews
On the Edge
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
- Ron White
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is one of those lessons that every child should learn: Don't play with fire, sharp objects, or ancient artifacts.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
- Chelsea Handler
My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’m very much down to earth, just not this earth.
- Karl Lagerfeld
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She's so small, yet she contains so much evil.
- Christopher Moore
Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When you say gorgeous,” Jen started, “are we talking Brad Pitt boyish good looks, or Johnny Depp make ya want to slap somebody?” “No, we’re talking Brad and Johnny need to bow down and recognize” Jacque answered.
- Quinn Loftis
Prince of Wolves
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I had just heard tales that the Valkyrie were large warriors, akin to Amazons.”

“If you’re the sole survivor of an army attacked by us, are you going to say we had our asses handed to us by petite, nubile females, or by she-monsters who can bench Buicks?
- Kresley Cole
No Rest for the Wicked
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
One morning you wake up with more life behind you than in front of you, not being able to understand how it’s happened.
- Fredrik Backman
Britt-Marie var här
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Katniss: 'What about you? Ive seen you in the market. You can lift hundred pound bags of flour'. I snap at him
Tell him that. Thats not nothing.
Peeta: Yes and Im sure the arena will be full of bags of flour for me to chuck at people.
- Suzanne Collins
The Hunger Games
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When he finished, he drank from the cup. Everyone else did too, so I followed suit.
And nearly choked to death.
It was like fire in liquid form. It took every ounce of strength I had to swallow it and not spray it on those around me.
"Wh...what is this?" I asked, coughing.
Viktoria grinned. "Vodka."
I peered at the glass. "No, it isn't. I've had vodka before."
"Not Russian vodka."
Apparently not.
- Richelle Mead
Blood Promise
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Enormous? Did you just call me FAT? I am not fat. - Jace
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We spend money that we do not have, on things we do not need, to impress people who do not care.
- Will Smith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Frank didn’t drop you on purpose,” she said. “He’s not like that. He’s just a little clumsy sometimes.”

“Oops,” Leo said, in his best Frank Zhang voice. “Dropped Leo into a squad of enemy soldiers. Dang it!
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The more excited I get, the more I vibrate."
"Now there's a thought," Lor says.
"If you mean what I think you mean, you want to shut the fuck up and never think it again," Ryodan says.
- Karen Marie Moning
Iced
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.
- Justin Halpern
Sh*t My Dad Says
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So many things to see, people to do.
- Neil Gaiman
Neverwhere
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ah, Signor Halt,' he said uncertainly, 'you are making a joke, yes?'
'He is making a joke, no,' Will said. 'But he likes to think he is making a joke, yes.
- John Flanagan
The Emperor of Nihon-Ja
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She shrugs."Men"
"Men."
"If we can send one man to the moon, why can't we send them all there?
- Cynthia Hand
Boundless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm seven hundred years old, Alexander. I know when something isn't going to work. You won't even admit I exist to your parents."
Alec stared at him. "I thought you were three hundred! You're seven huundred years old?"
"Well," Magnus amended, "eight hundred. But I dont look it. Anyway, you're missing the point. The point is-"
But Alec never found out what the point was because at that moment a dozen more Iblis demons flooded into the square. He felt his jaw drop. "Damn it."
Magnus followed his gaze. the demons were already fanning out into a half circle around them, their yellow eyes glowing. "Way to change the subject, Lightwood.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Georgie, stop trying to resurrect the shoes. They were never alive in the first place.
- Ilona Andrews
On the Edge
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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90
91
92
93
 		...